So, my friend is dating a lunatic

[medjay]

Maybe some of you wise folks here can offer me some more words of wisdom on how to get my friend away from this maniac.

The story's way too long to go into every detail but these are the particulars:

She met this guy and started seeing him. She's in her mid twenties and he's in his mid forties. After finding out he was a controling asshole with no skills in the sack, she took a walk. He decided not to let her go. He calls twenty times a day. He shows up unannounced at odd hours. He's threatened to kill himself if she doesn't take him back. His parents call her every day begging her to marry him.

I guess all this is typical. The problem is he's rich and she won't stop taking his money. He pays her rent. He bought her a new car. Etc., etc. She knows damn well that she should cut this guy loose but she doesn't want to end the gravy train.

Recently she found out he's been cheating on her. Also, he has some elaborate type of spy program that allows him to monitor her e-mail and daily computer useage. The way she found out about this is the woman he's cheating on with (and also living with!) found it on the computer and called her. (He lives out of town by the way; this is a long distance relationship.)

When they are "together" he gets violently mad when she even talks to her friends. He refers to her as a "whore" and a "cunt" because she happens to have male friends (like your's truly ). I could go on and on but I don't want to get to long winded.

So, I've read her the riot act several times about getting away from this guy but it doesn't sink in. I've tried reason, I've tried logic, I've called her everything short of a typical, moronic, future Springer guest. At this point I don't really care what she does, I just would feel pretty bad if she ended up dead at this guy's hand. Any advice?

 

[Monazwx]

Sadly, not much you can do.
Hope this guy runs out of money.
Or that your friend wises up.

Let her know that you will always support her (non-financially of course) and keep being honest.

 

[Minkey Boodle]

Tell her to grow some cajones and get to steppin'

 

[cybergirly]

I have to agree with Mona.
Your friend has to be the one to decide she's had enough. No one else is going to be able to convince her. You can tell her how stupid you think she's being, and that you wish she would wise up. But in the end, it's still her decision. All you can do is be there for her, when it does finally fall apart around her.

 

[427cobra]

Maybe some of you wise folks here can offer me some more words of wisdom on how to get my friend away from this maniac.

The story's way too long to go into every detail but these are the particulars:

She met this guy and started seeing him. She's in her mid twenties and he's in his mid forties. After finding out he was a controling asshole with no skills in the sack, she took a walk. He decided not to let her go. He calls twenty times a day. He shows up unannounced at odd hours. He's threatened to kill himself if she doesn't take him back. His parents call her every day begging her to marry him.

I guess all this is typical. The problem is he's rich and she won't stop taking his money. He pays her rent. He bought her a new car. Etc., etc. She knows damn well that she should cut this guy loose but she doesn't want to end the gravy train.

Recently she found out he's been cheating on her. Also, he has some elaborate type of spy program that allows him to monitor her e-mail and daily computer useage. The way she found out about this is the woman he's cheating on with (and also living with!) found it on the computer and called her. (He lives out of town by the way; this is a long distance relationship.)

When they are "together" he gets violently mad when she even talks to her friends. He refers to her as a "whore" and a "cunt" because she happens to have male friends (like your's truly ). I could go on and on but I don't want to get to long winded.

So, I've read her the riot act several times about getting away from this guy but it doesn't sink in. I've tried reason, I've tried logic, I've called her everything short of a typical, moronic, future Springer guest. At this point I don't really care what she does, I just would feel pretty bad if she ended up dead at this guy's hand. Any advice?

If I were you I'd let the fucker know in know uncertain terms what I think of him and what I'd do to him if he lays a hand or says an unkind work to your friend. Then I'd encourage him to break up with her. In my experience, she won't leave him unless he drops her. The best thing to do is do an end run around your friend for her own good. It's sneaky and dishonest, but it's better in the long run. Hope this helps some

 

[deyv]

I was truly sympathetic to her plight up until the part about still taking the money.

Hope she makes enough to pay for the hospital bills.

 

[deyv]

Got to thinking about my last post there... it probably seemed a bit insensitive.

I've known too many women who stay in abusive relationships for reasons known only to them... and I agree with Cybergirly and Mona said.... the only person that can get her out of an abusive relationship is her.

Just be available to help her when she's ready

 

[427cobra]

See, I think her Boyfriend needs a little persuasion. If she is in any physical danger than time is at a premium. You can talk later, but have to take action to prevent any further harm from coming to pass. I've done it myself, it's a long story though.

 

[medjay]

Re: Re: So, my friend is dating a lunatic

If I were you I'd let the fucker know in know uncertain terms what I think of him and what I'd do to him if he lays a hand or says an unkind work to your friend. Then I'd encourage him to break up with her. In my experience, she won't leave him unless he drops her. The best thing to do is do an end run around your friend for her own good. It's sneaky and dishonest, but it's better in the long run. Hope this helps some

That reminds me of another incident! I have to preface this by stating that she is mixed, black and Puerto Rican. He's white and just happens to be something of a racist (you all can mull that over at your leisure). He was in town staying at a hotel (at this point she wasn't allowing him to stay at her place). Several of us were making plans to attend a hip hop concert. He insisted on coming along until she talked him out of it. Instead, he gave her the keys to his rental car so she wouldn't have to ride with any of "us".

As the night progressed he called her no less than 20 times from the hotel, eventually shouting and cursing and demanding that she return immediately. It got bad enough that the was actually afraid to meet him alone and hand over the car keys. She asked us to come with her just in case he decieded to get physical. We waited just outside the lobby, ready to storm in and do some damage should we get the signal. Unfortunately he broke down and started crying and she aborted the mission. He has no idea how close he came to taking a trip to the ER.

I think if he lived in the city it would have happened already.

 

[Monazwx]

I don't get it; she knows that this guy is a complete whackjob and yet, she stays.

Her greed is gonna get her killed if she's not careful.

 

[medjay]

The funny thing is she's not a stupid person. She's very attrative and doesn't seem to suffer from low self esteem. Yet she still chooses to defend this guy with statements like "He's really sweet when he wants to be".

Some of this may stem from the fact that she was in the hospital for a while and he stayed by her bedside the whole time. "No one else was there for me." I pointed out that she didn't call any of us to let us know that she was even in the hospital. She had no reply to that.

The whole thing would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.

 

[Monazwx]

If I may ask, why was she in hospital in the first place?
If he was there, and she didn't call, he may have been the cause.

 

[medjay]

If I may ask, why was she in hospital in the first place?
If he was there, and she didn't call, he may have been the cause.

No, she has kidney problems.

 

[cybergirly]

She's making excuses for him. She's either afriad of him, or doesn't believe "it could ever happen to her", or she may mearly be in it for the money. Either way, it's going to take her wanting to get out before she does.

Cobras idea of going around her and "making" him leave her alone, sounds very dangerous to me. Not only for you, but for her as well. Pissing him off, and having him take it out on her is the last thing she needs.

 

[Monazwx]

What about her finances?
Her kidney problems may have her worried.

More importantly though, does she think this guy will marry her if he's with someone else?
Or is she going along for the ride until her drops her?

 

[Ham Murabi]

The part about taking the money gave it away. She's obviously being harassed by Tom Daschle.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Holy shit and shove me in it! Another spy program on someone's computer? This is scary.

 

[Mischka]

Recently she found out he's been cheating on her....the woman he's cheating on with (and also living with!) found it on the computer and called her. (He lives out of town by the way; this is a long distance relationship.)

Any advice?

Um, he's not cheating on your friend. He's cheating on his live-in girlfriend.

Your friend has serious relationship issues. She found a man that's emotionally and physically unavailable. She needs counseling, to find out why she's attracted to such men. She also needs to not only stop seeing this man, but she should stop seeing all men for a while.

 

[medjay]

She's making excuses for him. She's either afriad of him, or doesn't believe "it could ever happen to her", or she may mearly be in it for the money. Either way, it's going to take her wanting to get out before she does.

Cobras idea of going around her and "making" him leave her alone, sounds very dangerous to me. Not only for you, but for her as well. Pissing him off, and having him take it out on her is the last thing she needs.

You're right. I would just rather her be concious and functional when I tell her, "I told you so!"

 

[medjay]

What about her finances?
Her kidney problems may have her worried.

More importantly though, does she think this guy will marry her if he's with someone else?
Or is she going along for the ride until her drops her?

I told her there are plenty of sane (and marginally attractive) guys out there more than willing to be a sugar daddy. She seems to like this one though.

 

[Monazwx]

Make sure she is too.
Concious and functional that is.

Cause right now, she seems very unstable.

 

[medjay]

Re: Re: So, my friend is dating a lunatic

Um, he's not cheating on your friend. He's cheating on his live-in girlfriend.

Your friend has serious relationship issues. She found a man that's emotionally and physically unavailable. She needs counseling, to find out why she's attracted to such men. She also needs to not only stop seeing this man, but she should stop seeing all men for a while.

That reminds me of another piece of information! (It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?)

The live-in girlfriend has also joined his team in his efforts to win my friend back! She probably just wants to get him out of her hair as quickly and painlessly as possible since she obviously sees what a nut he is.

She does have her patterns. Almost all the guys she dates are from out of town. She's addicted to internet chatting (I can only hope she doesn't post here ). She seems to have an amazing knack for attracting white guys who appear to be rejects from the KKK. If she weren't so cool otherwise, I would have laughed her out of my life a long time ago!

 

[Minkey Boodle]

If he has these racist tendencies, what is he doing with her?

Maybe you need to help her find someone who won't treat her like that so she can see that she doesn't have to be treated that way.

 

[medjay]

If he has these racist tendencies, what is he doing with her?

Maybe you need to help her find someone who won't treat her like that so she can see that she doesn't have to be treated that way.

That's one I'm still trying to figure out. The last handful of guys she's dated have been absolute white bread, khaki's and all.

And it's always the same. First, they and their friends always seem to be quite amused that she is college educated and very well spoken. Then they start insisting that she straighten her hair. Then they start buying her the types of clothes they think are appropriate. Then they start questioning her tastes in music and friends. Then she gets pissed off for being so disrespected, gives the guy the boot, then does it all over again.

Go figure???

 

[Minkey Boodle]

Is she seeking some sort of acceptance or something?

You say she doesn't appear to have confidence problems, but from what little you've said here, she seems to have quite the problem there.