So, it's getting annoying

[CandiCame]

That my boyfriend constantly calls me his "girlfriend". I don't know why. I love women- I understand that I'm kind of effeminate- but he does this all the time and I think it's because he's religious, and somehow, it makes it less of a sin if I'm seen as a girl- that's the part that bothering me....

I guess my real question has more to do with his religion.

He's a Jehova's witness who is currently going through a church-trial-thing because he's ex cheated on him, and they were in a monogamous relationship, and that's apparently... I dunno, I never really understood what the hell he was talking about, but for some reason, he's in trouble for her cheating on him. And it's made him paranoid about anything that might get him in trouble with the church.

So, he told me to keep our relationship a secret- and I was so happy that he took any kind of interest in me that I readily agreed- we're both not exactly "out" yet, so it made a lot of sense. But when we went out for my birthday, he kissed me in front of our entire group of friends, and he's been calling me his "girlfriend" ever since. So... should I just let this go? I don't want to say something and piss him off because the whole church thing has got him really upset anyway- but I really don't know how he's gonna justify our relationship with his spiritual belief- and I don't wanna compete with his gods because one of the things I really like about him is that he's got a moral compass... because I totally don't. I just... really don't know what to do.

I think I'm in love- the last time I was in love, she broke up with me because we were living to far apart and she said it was straining us, and we were growing apart. Bill and I are already apart- we're really different people... You guys gave me a lot of good advice with my last problems, so I thought it might be a good place to ask. I'd really appreciate any advice.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Start trying, real hard, to not be in love with him. Love him maybe, but not in love. I'm sure you know the difference!

You will lead a hell of a shitty life as the male partner of a closeted JW.

Religion is NOT a moral compass. You can tell because Bill calls you "girlfriend," which is a lie.

And the fact that you are afraid to ask him to honor you as a man -- that says a little bit, don't you think?

 

[Experiencedguy]

Look, if this is already bothering you, you need to get it resolved, now, one way or another. If you want an affair feeling like shit, be it overnight or longterm, be silent and put up with it. Otherwise, vent your feelings now and get it over with, the sooner the better. This is not a case of whether or not you are gay, or out of the closet, but rather of mutual respect. If you are his girlfriend, that should be in private, not in public. As far as kissing you in public, I think that is fine (as long as you are comfortable) -- maybe that was just his first step in coming out?? Either way, let us know what happens.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Candi is actually a man, in a male body.

 

[all_the_goodies]

Just tell him. But find a nice way or easy way to say it. And one question... are you sure he is doing it purposefully. Cause he could just be use to calling his significant other girlfriend. But be honest with him and explain it to him like you did to us, you know the church thing has upset him and you don't wanna hurt or stress him more and then gently explain what he is saying and why it upsets you.

 

[CandiCame]

Uhm. So. Not to be rude and sound stupid, but what are you exactly? You didn't really specify so I'm not sure.

Plus your username is Candi. Not usually a guy's name.

Note: I kind of skimmed through the first post so sorry if I missed something.

1. Are you a homosexual guy?
2. Are you a homosexual transsexual guy?
3. Or are you a heterosexual transsexual girl?

If 1.
Then do you mean your boyfriend tells other people he has a girlfriend? Because he's in the closet or something but still wants people to know he's in a relationship?
Understandable I guess. I'd dump someone so fast if they ever referred to me as the opposite sex no matter who it's with.
xDDD
2. So you're transitioning to male? Sounds like he hasn't fully accepted it or is embarrassed to admit it to others? Or something.
3. Then I would see referring to you as a female as a good thing because it'd mean he's accepting you. But I'm judging this isn't the correct one.

See, at first I couldn't answer this either, but I think Stella's right- I AM a guy- I do ok as a guy; I think I think like a guy (even though a lot of people think that I think like a girl) and I've decided that I'm just a pansexual man.

So I tried to sit down and talk to him seriously about this, and... we got into a fight. Like, a huge fight. A screaming until 6:18 in the morning fucking fight- a my roommate went to stay next door with friends so we could fight through the house fight. This is pretty much how it went down.

I told him it was bothering me. He said that it was stupid- motherfucker called me stupid. So I was like, "What the fuck? It's stupid for me to be a man? What the fuck, William!?" Getting the whole name out there. I HATE being called stupid.

He went on to say that the first night we slept together, he told me that the reason he thought that was ok is because I was really, really feminine. Which is true. So I was like, I can be feminine and still be a fucking guy. He was like, "Why are you fucking angry about this?"

He kept saying that, over and over- every time I said something he was like, "Why are you so angry about this?"

Finally I was like, "You know what- fuck it, I'm not angry; we've only been doing... this... for like a week- it's not really worth getting upset about."

He was like, "Dating?"

So I responded, pretty pissedoffedly, "Oh, so we're dating now?"

And he was like, "We've been dating since your party, you stupid bitch. I really don't need this shit right now- if you didn't want to do this, then fine-"

And it went on like that from the time I got home until a little bit ago, when he left. I didn't mean for it to turn into a fight, and now it's early morning; he went home, and Jamie's gone, so I'm all alone, and all that's in the house to eat is a pack of spaghetti (no sauce) some strawberry pancake syrup, milk, and cheap rum. I'm gonna make a drink out of milk, rum, and the syrup, call it a Hylian and see if I can get shitfaced off it.

He pretty much flat out told me that he wasn't going to call me his "boyfriend" and if I was going to insist on being a guy, then he couldn't do this because he's not gay. He kept screaming that to, over and over, "I'm not gay!!" So... now I'm thinking I might just get drunk and wait for something to come to me.

The thing is... I really fell hard for him fast. He's so hot- and until tonight he was literally the nicest person I've ever met- not really bright (and I'm already not the sharpest tool in the shed) but incredibly sweet, and strait-edge; he kept me/keeps me from doing really stupid shit- looks out for me; gives me a sense of morality like no one I've known before. I need that... I miss him so bad and it's weird... I honestly don't usually miss people after fights; I stay pissed off. I've only ever been in love once before, really, and it felt just like this.

I think he thinks I'm crazy...

 

[Spacefender]

He pretty much flat out told me that he wasn't going to call me his "boyfriend" and if I was going to insist on being a guy, then he couldn't do this because he's not gay. He kept screaming that to, over and over, "I'm not gay!!" So... now I'm thinking I might just get drunk and wait for something to come to me.

The thing is... I really fell hard for him fast. He's so hot- and until tonight he was literally the nicest person I've ever met- not really bright (and I'm already not the sharpest tool in the shed) but incredibly sweet, and strait-edge; he kept me/keeps me from doing really stupid shit- looks out for me; gives me a sense of morality like no one I've known before. I need that... I miss him so bad and it's weird... I honestly don't usually miss people after fights; I stay pissed off. I've only ever been in love once before, really, and it felt just like this.

I think he thinks I'm crazy...

Dude is in denial. I remember when I first realized I was into guys. For me that was 13 yrs old. The very first thing I told myself was, "I'm not gay! I can't be gay!" Eventually I got over it and accepted that I was attracted to guys. Then it took another 10 yrs or so to figure I was actually bi.

Well, your guy is pretty damn repressed and so far in denial he's fucking halfway to Egypt. Eventually he's going to come to grips with the truth about himself. Of course, that could be a hell of a long time. Whether you should try to work things out with him or not depends on just how much patience you have.

 

[CandiCame]

Dude is in denial. I remember when I first realized I was into guys. For me that was 13 yrs old. The very first thing I told myself was, "I'm not gay! I can't be gay!" Eventually I got over it and accepted that I was attracted to guys. Then it took another 10 yrs or so to figure I was actually bi.

Well, your guy is pretty damn repressed and so far in denial he's fucking halfway to Egypt. Eventually he's going to come to grips with the truth about himself. Of course, that could be a hell of a long time. Whether you should try to work things out with him or not depends on just how much patience you have.

I'm gonna preface this by saying that, yes, you can get shitfaced on it, and I'm probably not going to be up much longer...

I don't know that he is- usually if someone's in denial or lying to me, I can tell. He was really sincere- see I've been thinking that he's just in denial because of his whole, religious thing, but he's... I don't know... it really doesn't seem like that- he, I think from what we talked about last night/this morning, is convinced that I'm a transsexual woman- because he says that I don't think/act/talk like a guy. Doesn't really help my case that I've been questioning that myself.

I don't even think that he's mad- at lest not until I kept pushing it, because he kept acting like I just didn't understand what I was an he did- the fucking balls on that dick- and then he got mad because I got mad about it, and kept asking why I was angry that he was treating me like that. I told him it bothered me, and he said that when I "found myself" it wouldn't bother me anymore. And I got pissed off that he was acting like he knew all this shit- because I don't think he's right. I don't think that I'm as gender confused as I was even a couple of weeks ago... I think I'm just a guy who has traits that other people consider feminine- but I don't care as much about gender as they do-

But if I don't care, then why did I get mad about it? Why did I start this fucking fight? And I can't call him or anything, because I'm- not sober- and he'll get pissed about it... He's been trying to help me get straitened out and stop doing so much drinking, and drugs and shit- so I can get through school without becoming a complete burnout- and so I'll have some memories that aren't just a nautious blur- I asked him to and he's been really, really supportive- and then I screamed at him because he wanted to call me a girl? WTF?

I have no fucking idea what I'm doing with my life. Why the fuck am I in art school? I'm not going to make it in game design- there are MILLIONS of great designers out there, and my ass thinks he's gonna be the next Miamoto or Henning- but I go to class stoned out of my mind and even if I were amazing the chances that I'd actually make it are fucking tiny- I need to do... something. I need to get straitened out. Billy was gonna help me get straitened out.

Plus, he's got the same name as that vampire from TrueBlood; not really relevant, but I thought it was cool. His last name's not the same, and I know there are a lot of Bills, but still... I am fucking depressed- I'm sorry I've been rambling... I feel bad about posting all this... everyone else is so upbeat all, "cool porn" or "I sucked cock last night!"

I need to make my own depressing "relationship problems" form or something...


edit: When we were fighting, I told him that he was so deep in the closet he was finding Christmas presents, lol. Thought it was a good line.

 

[Spacefender]

He needs to call you his 'girlfriend' in order not to feel gay. It's silly really, regardless of the label he puts on you the bait and tackle are still there. But some people need these little games they play with themselves.

If you end up deciding you don't care what label he attaches to you then it's all well and good. You are who and what you are regardless of what this guy calls you. If you like this guy enough to decide a relationship with him is worth the price of being called his girlfriend, that's your decision to make. But that's a decision you should be making sober.

There's no right or wrong answer here. Only what is right or wrong for you and at the end of the day the only person who can decide that is you.

One thing though, in your decision making process I'd strip out all the unnecessary bullshit like his name being the same as some fictional vampire, or your art school woes, or him straightening you out with your drugs and drinking problems. Is this guy going to be your boyfriend or your mother or your therapist? Any attempt to have him fill all three roles will only end in tears.

 

[Etoile]

DTMFA. Yesterday.

 

[HottieMama]

One thing though, in your decision making process I'd strip out all the unnecessary bullshit like his name being the same as some fictional vampire, or your art school woes, or him straightening you out with your drugs and drinking problems. Is this guy going to be your boyfriend or your mother or your therapist? Any attempt to have him fill all three roles will only end in tears.

QFT. I really Really REALLY think you deserve more than this. He may be a great guy, but I just don't think he's the guy for you. You have stated here that you are quite comfortable presenting yourself as a male, and being in a homosexual relationship. Therefore, you are entitled (IMO) to find someone who is also comfortable with their sexuality and sexual preferences. Also, don't you think when push comes to shove the dissatisfaction of being called his girlfriend and having a "closeted relationship," may lead you to drink/drug MORE? Lord knows it did me when I was struggling to come out and still using. When I got clean/sober, one of the things that I had to insist on was COMPLETE honesty, both from myself and those I was involved with. There's a saying in AA/NA that might sound a bit corny, but is actually really true..."Keeping secrets keeps you sick." It's not until we get rid of all the secrets and the associated guilt/shame that things can get better. This guy might be "straight edge," but he is NOT healthy for you. (Again, my opinion...)

You CAN achieve whatever you want to achieve. REMEMBER THAT! If you want to get clean/sober, there are other options besides Bill that will help you. Don't get so caught up in the shit that you just give up. NOTHING is worth that.

If you ever want to chat privately, my PM box is always open for you.

 

[StacyCD39]

Uh, if he called you a bitch out of anger and not ecstasy, like Etoile said, you need to drop that douchebag like a bad habit, clearly, he's got no respect for you at all.

I sincerely hope you find the love that you are looking for and deserve!

*hugs*

 

[lady_poisyn]

you have every right to be upset! you are a guy, not a girl, not a transsexual, not a woman in a mans body, you are a guy and should be treated and respected as such. doesn't matter if you are really effeminate, you are still a guy. it sounds like your boyfriend isn't accepting of you as who you are, rather that he thinks you'll change into a more woman like being, which is wrong of him to try and push you into it just so he doesn't have to be "gay" it also sounds like he's assuming he knows your sexuality better then you do.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You've gotten some of the best, most caring responses here. I can't say much more.

Look for AA/NA in your area, look for GLBT aware meetings, check in with your school's health clinic to see if there's any sort of counseling available.

Be more careful with your heart, baby. It's attached to all the rest of you.

 

[fingermagic]

The relationship will go now where except to heart break and drama city. You should move on. Unless of course you enjoy the drama. As usual, holy rolling bullshit fucks up what other wise could be a great relationship.

 

[HottieMama]

Look for AA/NA in your area, look for GLBT aware meetings,

If you drop your city into my PM box I can look on my national glbt recovery meeting list for you. They have "gay" and gay friendly meetings in every city and every state.

 

[Noira]

And for him, hook him up with the Gay Christian Network site. It helps a fucking lot for people of religious upbringing coming to terms with being part of the LGBT spectrum in any way. He sounds pretty deep in the closet, because I know a LOT of religious men who wouldn't go for a transexual-man-becoming-a-woman either because they are going against "what God intended for them", so yeah... he's pretty deep in denial and might want to consider getting out of Egypt.

The replies you've got for you say it all. Take care of yourself first and get away from the drama. Don't you worry about bringing your drama here. Who cares if everyone else seems happy? I'll tell you this, lots of people are good at lying. If you need to vent, vent! Find real, caring, loving support that actually cares about you, and doesn't come with a pinch of drama and nice shoes with that stress.

 

[CandiCame]

And for him, hook him up with the Gay Christian Network site. It helps a fucking lot for people of religious upbringing coming to terms with being part of the LGBT spectrum in any way. He sounds pretty deep in the closet, because I know a LOT of religious men who wouldn't go for a transexual-man-becoming-a-woman either because they are going against "what God intended for them", so yeah... he's pretty deep in denial and might want to consider getting out of Egypt.

The replies you've got for you say it all. Take care of yourself first and get away from the drama. Don't you worry about bringing your drama here. Who cares if everyone else seems happy? I'll tell you this, lots of people are good at lying. If you need to vent, vent! Find real, caring, loving support that actually cares about you, and doesn't come with a pinch of drama and nice shoes with that stress.

That would be pretty awesome, but I doubt he would do it.

And to everyone who told me to dump him... it looks like I won't have to-I'm being ignored. I sent his a text this morning before I went to bed, apologizing for upsetting him when he's already going through shit-

When I woke up he hadn't responded (I sleep during the day now because I work nights) so I sent him another one and asked if he was ok- literally, the text was, "U OK?" because I didn't want to seem clingy.

I went to work, just got back, checked- and... no response.

I quit taking pain killers. I'm going to quit smoking pot. I had my last cigerette today- this time for good. I have no alcohol in the house- I drank it all last night.

Sobriety... sucks. That little edge that keeps the world from being so upsetting- is gone. And I think I'm having a nic fit like I did last time.

But... I have a FUCK-TON of food; we had a party at work today for... some reason that I don't quite understand, 99% customer satisfaction- which I have no idea how they judge- and I work nights, so at the end of the shift, they were like, "We're gonna throw this all out, so take what you want."

There was a quarter sheet cake that hadn't been touched. Fuckers don't throw an ENTIRE cake away on my watch. So I'm eating cake right now. I see a new addiction coming on...


edit: Just got a response: "No"

So I sent "???"

Nothing... I think I'm gonna go on to bed...

BTW, I really want to thank everyone for helping me- these Gay-friendly, um... support groups or whatever; is it like a GSA? Because though that sounds like a good idea, it sounds like a very um... public idea.

And I'm a whiny little hypocrite. Most of my sexuality is either behind closed doors with a small group of people (really close friends) or a nautious blur. I've only been with two women, one of whom broke my fucking soul- I, for some reason, thought that we were going to get married-up until she broke it off, and this is the first guy I've slept with- and I've had a crush I wouldn't admit was a crush on him for about a year and a half- he was the only person I've ever met with a real moral conscious. He was always the one person in the group NOT making stupid decisions.

As in:

Me: Buy me some alcohol and lets drive around
Him: Don't do that; that's stupid. If you want to drink, lets go home.

Me: I want a rapid-fire controller; distract the guy while I steal this
Him: How about I buy it for you?

Me: That motherfucker ran with my $60 instead of giving me my shit- hand me the loaded gun under the seat.
Him: No- there's no gun under- HOLY SHIT THERE'S A GUN UNDER YOUR SEAT; What the fuck? Dude... stop doing drugs.

Me: OMG, this E is awesome! Tool is awesome! Who wants to have sex! (at a Tool concert)
Him: Sit the fuck down before you get an STD- who gave you E?
Me: Your jacket is so fucking smooth
Him: You HATE leather- Who gave this to you? Stop doing drugs.

Jamie: Hey V, eat this
Me: K
Bill: Wait, that's not chocolate- look at shit before you put it in your mouth
Jamie: It IS chocolate- and poisonous mushrooms
Me: Gimme Gimme Gimme!!
Bill: You're gonna start hallucinating and then get pissed about something and want to fight. Stop doing drugs!
Me: No I won't! I just got this new mirror that goes in when you poke it! In!! It's not glass man!

Nicky: Hey, V, drive me to get pills in a crime-ridden area where we're likely to get raped and murdered
Me: K- give me gas money and a L10
Bill: V, sit the fuck down- Nicole (she hated being called Nicole; she always goes by "Nick" or "Nicky") stop giving him drugs. Go yourself.

Him: So are you still seeing Kris?
Me: No
Him: He's a stupid dick. You look like a girl. I'm gonna stick it in your ass.

 

[Etoile]

I hate to say this man, but it sounds like you need genuine help. Help that a message board, or a boyfriend, can't provide. Have you sought treatment or intervention assistance in your area?

 

[CandiCame]

I hate to say this man, but it sounds like you need genuine help. Help that a message board, or a boyfriend, can't provide. Have you sought treatment or intervention assistance in your area?

Like, substance abuse help? I don't think that it's really bad enough to need professional help- I just do a few drugs- nowhere near what, say, my mom does. Or most of the people from my hometown. That's actually part of the reason I wanted to get out of there. Everyone except my grandparents are huge fucking pill-heads. I think I posted on another board about the kids in the hospital I volunteered at; there were a lot of kids in there that were there because their mothers used them to test things like heroine.

I've never done a needle drug and I never will. I don't do anything that could potentially harm me to the point of ODing. I work on a stock crew- my back fucking hurts; because I just know someone is going to say, "You said L10s"! Yeah, a pain pill when you're in pain isn't the end of the world. Back home I had a doctor who would write the scripts, I just can't afford to get them filled; so I'm reduced to this.

edit: I also don't do cocaine or anything like that; mostly, the drugs I do that aren't Rxs are

pot
alcohol
shrooms (when I can get them)
E (like, once ever 4 months or so- that shit's expensive and fucks up your brain, it's a moderation thing)
Things that are free from people I trust- I've done acid a couple of time, like 2 times in my entire life.
And I used to smoke. I quit. For serious. Now I can't sleep.

 

[Etoile]

Like, substance abuse help? I don't think that it's really bad enough to need professional help- I just do a few drugs- nowhere near what, say, my mom does. Or most of the people from my hometown. That's actually part of the reason I wanted to get out of there. Everyone except my grandparents are huge fucking pill-heads. I think I posted on another board about the kids in the hospital I volunteered at; there were a lot of kids in there that were there because their mothers used them to test things like heroine.

I've never done a needle drug and I never will. I don't do anything that could potentially harm me to the point of ODing. I work on a stock crew- my back fucking hurts; because I just know someone is going to say, "You said L10s"! Yeah, a pain pill when you're in pain isn't the end of the world. Back home I had a doctor who would write the scripts, I just can't afford to get them filled; so I'm reduced to this.

edit: I also don't do cocaine or anything like that; mostly, the drugs I do that aren't Rxs are

pot
alcohol
shrooms (when I can get them)
E (like, once ever 4 months or so- that shit's expensive and fucks up your brain, it's a moderation thing)
Things that are free from people I trust- I've done acid a couple of time, like 2 times in my entire life.
And I used to smoke. I quit. For serious. Now I can't sleep.

Not just the drugs. The shoplifting and self-destructive behavior, too. And it's not something you can turn off and on like a switch. It's an addiction, and you're not in a healthy lifestyle at all. Maybe moving away will help, but you should get out soon or you're going to continue down the self-destructive path. Please try to get help, candicame. Don't go back with a boyfriend who doesn't respect you. See a professional.

 

[Stella_Omega]

It doesn't matter that you do less drugs than your mom.

It matters that you do more drugs than is good for you.

PM hottiemama withyour zip code, okay baby?

 

[HottieMama]

It doesn't matter that you do less drugs than your mom.

It matters that you do more drugs than is good for you.

PM hottiemama withyour zip code, okay baby?

He did and I am working on a list for him as well as some other helpful links. (Candi..not trying to air your business, but it sounds like Stella is worried about you just like I am...)

 

[Stella_Omega]

hell, call me a sucker for effeminate boys.

 

[HottieMama]

hell, call me a sucker for effeminate boys.

You and me both, actually.