so I need some help

[guywithglasses]

I am 24 years old, a guy. and well, I literally have never even kissed a girl, let alone had sex. I am really shy, and really want to find someone to have some fun with, but i really do not even know where to start. i'm not ugly, I have a very rad job, I an intelligent, knowledgeble, etc. I am pretty cool and keen with every aspect of my life, other than this one part.

I have no clue as where to start, what to do. I never had those experiences when i was 12, or 13 that would give me the confidence that I need to find today. I thought recently I had found someone who was willing to help me learn, but that is not likely to happen, as she started to sleep with my roommate, and I don't want to cause any trouble. this really bothers me,

I guess I just need some good advice, as to what to do. I think this board is full of good people, with a lot of experience, I am just really dumbfounded as what to do. I've tried match.com, all of those, and no one has even responded to one of my emails. I really don't know what to do anymore.

I would love a little help.

 

[JoshRial]

i know the feeling!

Hey man, whats up?
I know the exact feeling. I am 18 and kissing is about all that i ever got. I hope someone responds to my posts soon. I would guess that the best thing is just to get to know the girls on this board and maybe they'd like to meet ya.... never know being that i have been on this board a whole week now. Well PM me some time man.
Catch ya'll later

 

[wicked woman]

A bit more information would help those who might offer some suggestions. May I ask if you have had any female friends? Do you feel comfortable around women? Just your relationships with women have remained platonic? Or are we women a bit scary still? Are you generally shy? I know the answers to these would help me.

 

[guywithglasses]

my best friend is actually female. I am perfectly fine talking with people, I just get really nervous at times, and get quiet and shy. i guess, what I am really afraid of is rejection. It's happened so much, that I just don't want it to happen again. It's just really hard to meet people when you try and try, but can't even start a conversation with someone you find cute. I'm not even talking about getting laid, or sex really. I just want to meet someone that I really relate to, and go from there. I just have this barrier, and don't know how to get past it. I am great in conversation, but when it comes to getting intimate, i balk at it at every chance. I have met so many great, worthwhile people, and it never seems to go anywhere, because I am afraid. I am afraid because, I have no experience, and most girls my age, 24, do. And when it shows that I really don't know what I am doing, I am really scared that they will think I am a freak or something.

So yeah, I guess thats, a bit more info from me! thanks!

 

[Willing and Unsure]

it sounds to me kind of like you're having more issues with being rejected and dont really want to take the time to experience dating. to me, dating is like trying different people on to see if they fit. sometimes they do, sometimes they dont. you just have to try it out to see.

 

[overthebow]

I would love a little help.

You seem very passive. Nobody likes being with a totally passive person. See a therapist about this passivity and fix it. Then you will be in a position to do something about your dating issues.

 

[H0wl]

I've been there.

First off, you're not alone.

I'm 27 and until a month ago I'd never gotten as far as making out with a girl, let alone having sex. Now I'd had relationships but they tended to be mostly long distance ones, or else they didn't last long enough for us to get the stage where we were comfortable being intimate. So...dont lose hope.

As far as meeting women goes, the only advice I can give you is to put yourself out there. Do things that interest you, that you enjoy and talk to the people you meet while doing them. Join a book club, take classes at a gym or martial arts place, learn how to salsa dance etc. Dance classes are particularly good places to meet women from what I've heard

DONT just introduce yourself to women that you find attractive. Talk to women who you're not interested in dating (whether its because they're older/younger, not your type..whatever) because you'll probably find yourself to be less nervous knowing that theres a whole raft of possibilities ruled out. Get to be comfortable in your own skin when you're conversing with others.

Strike up conversations in the checkout line at the grocery, at the laundromat etc. Get your rejections where they dont MATTER. So what if the girl at the checkout grumps at you and won't respond..no big deal right? You may never even see her again.

All of this is practice for the biggest step in any relationship...meeting someone.

Now....none of this is going to make people any less likely to reject you. What it CAN do for you is make you less sensitive to rejection.

Now...as far as physical intimacy goes you're still a long ways away from having to worry about it...so dont.

When me and my girl started we were both in a relaxed setting, talking and cuddling on my couch. I remember it as her making the first move, she says we both went for it, but the next thing I knew we were kissing (which I hadn't expected in the least).

Kissing is a wonderful thing but it's bound to be awkward your first time. I don't consider to be a great kisser but my girl likes it and my advice (especially if she's more experienced) is to follow her lead. Listen to and feel her reactions, tune into her body language. If she likes something she'll generally let you know.
Being gentle is good. Don't be afraid to be a little silly.

Tongue kissing is lovely but again, follow her lead on this. You can kiss with slightly parted lips but don't open your mouth too much or you'll be slobbering all over her unless she did the same thing.

Break for air every now and then. Glasses should generally come off for either or both parties. Arms go around your partner, hands can roam up and down the back. My girl particularly likes having her back touched, it pretty much always turns her on (I'm such a lucky guy!), your milage may vary.

Small open mouth kisses without tongue or excessive saliva along the chin, down her neck, along her shoulder blades, up to her ears, all may be something that she enjoys. If you go near the ears watch out for earrings!

Remember that its never a bad thing to ask your partner what she likes. So women like having you touch their ears, others don't. Some women like to have you wind your fingers in their hair, play with it, braid it, etc. Others will BREAK your fingers if you touch their hair. Check first.

Before you go any further than kissing, you probably want to let her know your experience level. She might find it exciting or intimidating depending on the level of her own experience etc. Make it clear to her that you're excited by her, attracted to her, intoxicated by everything about her and that while you may not have a lot of experience you're willing to take instruction.

Depending on your relationship how fast you progress along the stages from kissing to petting to sex will vary. Before you get to the point where body fluids are being exchanged it's a very good idea to talk about things like STD's, birth control (condoms, the pill, both?) and sexual history. The last is potentially embarrassing and awkward but it's important. Condoms are highly recommended the first couple of times under all circumstances, even if she's on the pill and you trust her enough to be fluid bonded.

Prior to actually going on to anything where you're touching her breasts or genitals it helps a LOT to know what you're looking for. At the same time remember that each woman is different. Don't be surprised if things look a little different on the surface. It also helps if you do some reading in the Blank Manual so that you have an idea of what other people like.

Once again..ASK your partner what SHE likes. If she knows and tells you then you're ahead of the game. Always start gentle and light and go from there. Some women can't take direct clitoral stimulation so don't pounce on it and start rubbing away. Ask her how she likes to be touched, or better yet, ask her to SHOW you. Not only is this hot as hell for you, it may turn her on and it definitely gives you an idea of what she likes.

All this is based on my own experience which is admittedly quite limited. Your mileage may vary as alway! Me and my girl work well together. We both like sex, we both wanted each other when we first started and we both progressed towards intimacy pretty rapidly. My girl is very good at letting me know what she likes and she tells me that I'm pretty good myself. I credit that to extensive reading, a lot of cyber, and a strong imagination.

Hope this helps!

 

[justme1059]

Hi there sweetie,

Too bad u live all the way in Boston. I think you have been give some great advise on here so I just recommend u take it and good luck !!!!

 

[ReadyOne]

When I was young, I would get to where I didn't know what to do next, that is, how my next move would be accepted. I was afraid to go the next step because I didn't know how/what the girl was feeling/thinking and therefore how she would react.

What helped me most was to assume that she felt exactly the same way I did. Probably wasn't true, but when I was in a situtation like "feels like this would be a good time to kiss" and hesitating, I figured she must also be thinking that "now could be the time for a kiss". And so I kissed.

99% of the time nothing ever went wrong.

In other words, be bold. If you feel some magic in the air, there probably is -- don't waste it!

 

[Cathleen]

Re: I've been there.

First off, you're not alone.

I'm 27 and until a month ago I'd never gotten as far as making out with a girl, let alone having sex. Now I'd had relationships but they tended to be mostly long distance ones, or else they didn't last long enough for us to get the stage where we were comfortable being intimate. So...dont lose hope.

As far as meeting women goes, the only advice I can give you is to put yourself out there. Do things that interest you, that you enjoy and talk to the people you meet while doing them. Join a book club, take classes at a gym or martial arts place, learn how to salsa dance etc. Dance classes are particularly good places to meet women from what I've heard

DONT just introduce yourself to women that you find attractive. Talk to women who you're not interested in dating (whether its because they're older/younger, not your type..whatever) because you'll probably find yourself to be less nervous knowing that theres a whole raft of possibilities ruled out. Get to be comfortable in your own skin when you're conversing with others.

Strike up conversations in the checkout line at the grocery, at the laundromat etc. Get your rejections where they dont MATTER. So what if the girl at the checkout grumps at you and won't respond..no big deal right? You may never even see her again.

All of this is practice for the biggest step in any relationship...meeting someone.

Now....none of this is going to make people any less likely to reject you. What it CAN do for you is make you less sensitive to rejection.

Now...as far as physical intimacy goes you're still a long ways away from having to worry about it...so dont.

When me and my girl started we were both in a relaxed setting, talking and cuddling on my couch. I remember it as her making the first move, she says we both went for it, but the next thing I knew we were kissing (which I hadn't expected in the least).

Kissing is a wonderful thing but it's bound to be awkward your first time. I don't consider to be a great kisser but my girl likes it and my advice (especially if she's more experienced) is to follow her lead. Listen to and feel her reactions, tune into her body language. If she likes something she'll generally let you know.
Being gentle is good. Don't be afraid to be a little silly.

Tongue kissing is lovely but again, follow her lead on this. You can kiss with slightly parted lips but don't open your mouth too much or you'll be slobbering all over her unless she did the same thing.

Break for air every now and then. Glasses should generally come off for either or both parties. Arms go around your partner, hands can roam up and down the back. My girl particularly likes having her back touched, it pretty much always turns her on (I'm such a lucky guy!), your milage may vary.

Small open mouth kisses without tongue or excessive saliva along the chin, down her neck, along her shoulder blades, up to her ears, all may be something that she enjoys. If you go near the ears watch out for earrings!

Remember that its never a bad thing to ask your partner what she likes. So women like having you touch their ears, others don't. Some women like to have you wind your fingers in their hair, play with it, braid it, etc. Others will BREAK your fingers if you touch their hair. Check first.

Before you go any further than kissing, you probably want to let her know your experience level. She might find it exciting or intimidating depending on the level of her own experience etc. Make it clear to her that you're excited by her, attracted to her, intoxicated by everything about her and that while you may not have a lot of experience you're willing to take instruction.

Depending on your relationship how fast you progress along the stages from kissing to petting to sex will vary. Before you get to the point where body fluids are being exchanged it's a very good idea to talk about things like STD's, birth control (condoms, the pill, both?) and sexual history. The last is potentially embarrassing and awkward but it's important. Condoms are highly recommended the first couple of times under all circumstances, even if she's on the pill and you trust her enough to be fluid bonded.

Prior to actually going on to anything where you're touching her breasts or genitals it helps a LOT to know what you're looking for. At the same time remember that each woman is different. Don't be surprised if things look a little different on the surface. It also helps if you do some reading in the Blank Manual so that you have an idea of what other people like.

Once again..ASK your partner what SHE likes. If she knows and tells you then you're ahead of the game. Always start gentle and light and go from there. Some women can't take direct clitoral stimulation so don't pounce on it and start rubbing away. Ask her how she likes to be touched, or better yet, ask her to SHOW you. Not only is this hot as hell for you, it may turn her on and it definitely gives you an idea of what she likes.

All this is based on my own experience which is admittedly quite limited. Your mileage may vary as alway! Me and my girl work well together. We both like sex, we both wanted each other when we first started and we both progressed towards intimacy pretty rapidly. My girl is very good at letting me know what she likes and she tells me that I'm pretty good myself. I credit that to extensive reading, a lot of cyber, and a strong imagination.

Hope this helps!

H0wl that was a very nice post, full of good honest information. Well done!

 

[EJFan]

GWG...

hey bro... thanks for opening up. i'm sure it wasn't easy, but the people here at lit are very accepting and i'm glad you noticed that and felt comfortable in letting us in on your life.

i'm going to let what i read in your posts marinate in my head for a while and might proffer some suggestions later.

in the mean time, i just want to tell you that you are who you are and (while it sounds cliche) people just have to accept that. i don't believe you can be too passive or too aggressive or too anything... different people like different things so just be who you are and you'll find someone to share it with soon enough.

i also wanted to tell you that i, and i imagine plenty of others, have had periods in which i didn't feel comfortable in the social scene. "willing..." made a great point that dating is a matter of trying different people on to see who fits. i like that analogy and just wanted to add that it's ok to "toss aside" the one's who don't. everyone does it, we get over it and move on. rejection and/or being rejected is really no big deal. it happens to everyone and is just part o' life.

happy hunting. i may be back if i think of something that isn't already mentioned here.

thanks again for sharing!

 

[SIC]

Hey, Alright i am going to try to help you out and i am going to be straight up!

I have never had this problem really but after me and my ex of 2 year broke up i was kinda lost because girls always came to me but that wasnt happening as much so i thought i had to do something.

So what you got to do is go and talk to as mean girls as you can you only get more comfortable by talking to more and more of them. Say one of they kind blows you off? "SO WHAT" dont take it to heart just walk away and say to yourself she wanst good enough for me. Remeber this the guy that getts rejected the most gets the most numbers because you are talking to so many!!! I just woke up one day and i was like i dont care and i going for it, yes at first i was scared to say somehting to a girl but then i just didnt care.

When you go up to her if you are at a bar just start off with like hey hows it going ? are you having a good time? then ask for her name and tell her your and by this point you will be able to tell if she wants to talk to you or not. Dont use corny lines although some of them have work for me like "hi my names james, Do you want to fuck?" or " i would like to take a dep in the pool but i dont want to own it" but i wouldnt use those till your more comfortable and are just having fun.

The key to it all is to start the convo and most girls love to talk and once they start telling all kinds of stuff just listen and put in comments. Dont ever say anything about not like something about yourself or hating your job because those are turn offs.

Just get out and start looking there are tons of amazing girls you walk by every day that are thinking the same thing as you and just want a good guy. But you goto start talking to them first.

Its all up to you if you want to change this. But what ever you do dont pick up a slut for the first girl because you i might end up getting hurt. But after a few go for w/e you like.

if you pm me i can send you a couple of good place with tips. happy hunting.

 

[H0wl]

Heres a question...

Are you looking to get laid? Or do you want a relationship?

Personally I'm all about the relationship. Sex is...if not icing on the cake...then at least only a component of that relationship.

 

[guywithglasses]

i am not looking to get laid, just someone who is fun, and i truly enjoy being around. sex would be fantabulous, but its not my main issue. i think i would be fine with that, as long as i really liked the person.

 

[H0wl]

Thats a healthy attitude

 

[CoyoteTales]

After H0wl's excellent advice on what to do when you get to Somewhere with Someone, I don't have a lot to offer on that front.

I'm going in a different direction really -- I'm going to tell you what Not To Do.

Rule one: If you look desperate, women will avoid you. Be at ease with yourself -- that 'shyness' is a big stumbling block. I had more people hit on me when I was spoken for than when I was actively looking for someone -- noticeably so.

In other words; be yourself, be okay with being single, and be confident in knowing that you can find friends of either gender. (I will note that your best friend is a girl. That is a good sign.)

Rule two: Patience. Don't think of 'getting laid' as a clock timebomb waiting to go off and make you implode if you can't find someone. I know a married couple who haven't had sex in five years -- it's just not part of their dynamic. You have your own life to lead, and it's a fine one -- follow your own path and it'll cross with others in time.

Rule three: Do NOT jump at the chance the first time it comes up. There are a lot of people out there who will use and abuse a nice, shy, inexperienced guy who believes he can be everything a girl wants, if the right girl comes along.

It happened to me. Twice. I have since learned not to be in 'rescue' mode for people who didn't actually want to be rescued but rather, wholly supported.

Believe it or not, there is room to say 'no' if you get an offer -- know what you -don't- want in a partner and back away slowly if someone comes onto you

For instance: I will -not- date a smoker. I love kissing -- and kissing a smoker is like trying to eat an ashtray. Never again. (On the other hand, I had a nice friend for awhile who would not drink coffee with dinner just to get a decent kiss out of me...)

Rule four: Decide whether you want a relationship or a fling. Some folks out there aren't interested in a commitment at all; others, after awhile, others, right up front. But most people are good with being friends.

Start with that.

Rule five: Seek out similar souls. Find a hobby that you want to learn -- and bing, you have something in common.

Rule six: Keep your eyes open. But keep your ears open more.
While 'would I consider a relationship with this person' is usually among the top twenty questions I ask myself about a compatible person sooner or later, it is -never- question one -- let alone question two through ten. But then, I'm more of a 'let things develop' kind of person. Haste makes waste and all.

Good pictures are developed from negatives into bright, vibrant color. Good relationships are like that too. They need time to see the whole picture.

-CoyoteTales

 

[watergirl]

Just be.

It's been my experience that wonderful things happen when you are not looking for them. H0wl, I am the luckiest girl EVER. I love you so much, sexy - and you are too modest!

gwg... it is harder once you are out of college to meet people... maybe there are college classes you might want to take for fun, where you'd meet people? Art, sculpture, sailing, sign language, if you have the money and time, learning is a good investment for yourself as well as an opportunity to meet new people.

CoyoteTales has some wise advice too... this thread is great. It's a frequent theme here at the How To board, and it makes me glad to see that so many people are always willing to help out new people with kindness & thoughtfulness.

Oh, & my advice for gettting to know people on Lit - if you expect PMs back from chicks, speak to them about what they said that caught your eye, what you might have in common with them, compliment them on the thing you think is cool that they probably don't get complimented on day in day out (if she's hot, compliment her brains or her common sense - it's a trick but be genuine with it)... PM to other newbies, think of them like the freshman in your incoming class... and POST A LOT. That way a girl can look you up and see what you have to say, if you play well with others, if you can use to, too, and two correctly... you'd be suprised what matters to women, so post often, when you feel you have something to contribute to a discussion.

Good luck, gwg!

 

[guywithglasses]

thanks everyone, i feel better, there are some rad people here. sorry i havent posted in a few days, been wayy to busy!

but take care, thanks again