So excited! My first story published! I would love your feedback!

[Jennitalia]

https://www.literotica.com/s/trip-to-see-lover-for-the-first-time

 

[Sammael Bard]

If you're asking for feedback, it should be strictly about the story and nothing else. Please don't upload pictures on this forum. We have the AmPic Forum for this very purpose.

 

[LastLostIdols]

Okay so before I criticise I just want to say it's nice and hot, sure, but it has a lot of typos. It's a tad too short as well and you could maybe stand to break the large paragraphs up a bit more, but that might just be me.

Also you've put it under the anal section, and as far as I can tell from reading it, it is just one on one consensual vaginal sex. And should be in erotic couplings. Don't be discouraged if anyone criticises it, or you, that's why you're here. You'll need to edit it to wash out any of the typos, some people can be extremely critical of a story such as this, because of how rough it is.

In future remember to take a day or two to leave it alone without touching it, uploading, publishing, or even looking at it. So you can go back to it with a fresh mind and see all the errors, enthusiasm is good for writing, but too much can damage your story if you upload straight after writing.

--LLI

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

NOT THIS:Her hands were trembling, her heart beating faster as she walked through the terminal. She caught herself walking faster and had to remind herself to take it slow and take a deep breath.

THIS: Slow down and chill out, she told herself, as she almost ran through the terminal, with trembling hands and a frantic pulse.

 

[kaleidoscopeyes]

I like the the idea. The story definitely doesn't belong in anal. I do feel likeit didn't make much sense for her to go from super anxious to immediately sticking her tongue in his mouth, but that could just be colored by my own personality/experience. Including some of their sexts just prior to the meeting might provide more build up/tension which would make the quick jump to intimacy more authentic sounding. The most distracting thing was the verbs, they weren't always the right tense. Also if you are going to write in the first person then you won't know what's going on in the other person's head unless they tell or show you.

This story has potential, you should continue the story.

 

[Jennitalia]

First time

I do appreciate the constructive criticism...it's what I need. I need to know your thoughts. Some have been a little bit of an Ahole about it but I don't let it get to me. I don't take it personally. It's the only way I will grow as an erotic writer....good and bad feebacks.
Thanks for the info!
I accidently put anal in the tabs....that was simply a mistake and I am aware of that. Considering that it was my first story submitted, I would hope some would offer a bit of slack.

 

[sr71plt]

In terms of context, it’s just fine as a vignette. I post mostly to disagree with JBJ’s rewording of your opening. Yours is just as good as his and has the advantage of being in your voice.

Quite a few technical issues, though. I’ll just note down through the first couple of paragraphs:

Should be “ten months,” not “10 months.” Most numbers are written out in fiction.

A man is a who, not a that. “nervous about a man that . . .”

This switches needlessly from past tense to present and then back to present: “As she was walking and breathing slowly, ahead of her, people crossing in her path, all the sudden, a gap opened up, she sees him standing right in front of her.” Try not to flip-flop between tenses like this.

This is a run-on sentence: “The kisses were moist, closed lips then she lightly slid her tongue across his lips, inviting him to kiss her deeper.” Should be two sentences. “closed lips.” “Then”

This needlessly flip-flops tense again, this time from simple past to past perfect: “. . . his hands instantly tightened his fingers into her and he had opened her lips wider.”

Commas are missing for serial phrases, publishing preferring the serial comma, and for some compound sentences.

Is it significant that the heels are nude colored? If not, this just bogs down the action. (and it should be “nude-colored heels”)

 

[LastLostIdols]

Good to see you're not discouraged, I really hate criticising people's work so I try to be as gentle and constructive as I can. I did enjoy the story and would like to see more.

--LLI

 

[Bramblethorn]

I accidently put anal in the tabs....that was simply a mistake and I am aware of that. Considering that it was my first story submitted, I would hope some would offer a bit of slack.

You could PM Laurel and ask her to move it to a more appropriate category, like Erotic Couplings.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

OPs need to be honest and ask for serious ass kissing instead of feedback.

 

[MyRubiLips]

JennFla, welcome back.

 

[visioneer]

Jenn - The previous respondents have given solid advice. The only thing I will add is to read your story out loud. Our ears are quite good at catching awkward wording, verb tense issues, etc. If it "sounds" wrong, there is likely a problem to be fixed.

I did read your story, and I encourage you to continue writing.