so confused .....

[mathis847]

alright yall .. i just started working right .. and the day went by really good .. i was sooo happy ... my friend gina , well . shes my friend becuase of my boyfriend ... well .. she and someone else were telling me about two girls that work there with me ... they are both my bf's ex gf's .. do you guys think its bogus that he didnt tell me id be working with them .. i mean .. i think its rude .. and it would have been good knowledge to know so that when i did start working there that i wouldnt have felt adward ... now ... i am going to feel weird as all hell , because im constantly around them .. i dont know if im just being petty or what .. what do yall think ??? oh and theres more , sorry i forgot to add this is , but .. hes had sex with both of them , without condoms .. why does he want to use them with me then .. i dont know if im being weird or something ... but it really aggrevates me to know that we " have " to use them , even though were serious about each other .. yet he never " had " to use them with those girls ?!?!?!? i dont know , im confused .. please give some kind of advice

 

[OutofKYGuy]

two cents

Your last question is easiest, he might want to use condoms because he learned from one of his ex's that he should. She may not have gotten pregnant, but jut had a late period or something even less important, and he was scared straight.

And as for everything else... you're paranoid. That doesn't mean that you're wrong to be concerned, but you've probably stopped thinking calmly about it.
Take a few deep breaths. Realize that there are two possible results of this situation. 1) He's a good guy and you're worried over nothing or, 2) There is something to worry about and you're too good a person to settle for him. Either way, it's not the end of the world. The best way to figure out which result you're going to have is to ask your boyfriend what's up. None of us is going to be able to tell you whether he's ashamed so he didn't tell you (guy thinking), he didn't know so he didn't tell you (also a possibility), or he's hiding something from you, or any other possibility (such as the outlandish idea of him being in the witness protection program, which, though crazy, is possible).

Short Version: CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN SOME MORE. ASK. You are worth more than a bad relationship, no matter how good it might seem now.

 

[mathis847]

Your last question is easiest, he might want to use condoms because he learned from one of his ex's that he should. She may not have gotten pregnant, but jut had a late period or something even less important, and he was scared straight.

And as for everything else... you're paranoid. That doesn't mean that you're wrong to be concerned, but you've probably stopped thinking calmly about it.
Take a few deep breaths. Realize that there are two possible results of this situation. 1) He's a good guy and you're worried over nothing or, 2) There is something to worry about and you're too good a person to settle for him. Either way, it's not the end of the world. The best way to figure out which result you're going to have is to ask your boyfriend what's up. None of us is going to be able to tell you whether he's ashamed so he didn't tell you (guy thinking), he didn't know so he didn't tell you (also a possibility), or he's hiding something from you, or any other possibility (such as the outlandish idea of him being in the witness protection program, which, though crazy, is possible).

Short Version: CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN SOME MORE. ASK. You are worth more than a bad relationship, no matter how good it might seem now.

alright well ... thanks .. i wasnt really sure if i was being immature about it or not .. i mean, i honestly dont think i have anything to worry about really .. i highly doubt he would cheat on me .. but , more or less , maybe its because ive been hurt before ... i try to not let the past get to me and my future .. sometimes its hard though .. but on the topic of the condoms .. my biggest concern is that i heard alot of different things .. ie being they didnt use condoms and one of the girls constantly leaves work because he shit is itchy ... thats my biggest concern .. im ok with using condoms , i just was wondering why their used with me and not the girls in the past .. anyway , i dont wanna get preg. either ... so im happy using them thanks for sharing your thoughts though ..

 

[SweetErika]

alright well ... thanks .. i wasnt really sure if i was being immature about it or not .. i mean, i honestly dont think i have anything to worry about really .. i highly doubt he would cheat on me .. but , more or less , maybe its because ive been hurt before ... i try to not let the past get to me and my future .. sometimes its hard though .. but on the topic of the condoms .. my biggest concern is that i heard alot of different things .. ie being they didnt use condoms and one of the girls constantly leaves work because he shit is itchy ... thats my biggest concern .. im ok with using condoms , i just was wondering why their used with me and not the girls in the past .. anyway , i dont wanna get preg. either ... so im happy using them thanks for sharing your thoughts though ..

1) Edit out the name of your workplace THIS MINUTE. It's extremely unwise to share that kind of information here, or anywhere, else online.

2) Hopefully you're using condoms AND another reliable method of birth control, like the Pill, Patch or Ring. If you don't want to get pregnant, don't rely on condoms alone. If you don't want to get and STD, use condoms every single time. Two months does not a solid, monogamous relationship make.

If you ever get to the point where you can afford to use one method of BC (meaning you can deal with a pregnancy), both of you need to go get tested for everything, including HPV and HSV. Then, you wait 6 months (using condoms) and re-test for HIV/AIDS. If those tests are clear, you can decide whether or not you want to use condoms. In fact, it'd be smart to get tested now as well, because herpes and HPV can be transmitted without sharing fluids. You'll still have to do it again later, but the more testing the better.

He's had unprotected sex with at least two women, and all of the people they've had U/P sex with. He could be crawling with diseases/infections, so condoms are the ONLY way to go. If you've had unprotected sex with anyone, he's being very smart. If he was/is cheating, be grateful he's protecting your health to some extent.

3) Maybe he didn't know or forgot his exes were working at the same place. Maybe not. You'll have to ask him if he knew they worked there, and, if so, why he didn't tell you.

But what bothers you about working with them? In other words, why would you feel awkward?

Also, ask yourself why you jumped to the conclusion that he didn't tell you purposely. What does that tell you about him and your relationship? This is important; I'm guessing your instincts have been/are telling you something, and you haven't listened to them in the past.

If I were you, I'd befriend those exes and get their perspectives on their relationships with your bf, if possible. What was good, bad, and why did they break up? Did he dump them, or vice versa. You can gain a lot of good information that may help you with your relationship and make better decisions about it.

 

[mathis847]

1) Edit out the name of your workplace THIS MINUTE. It's extremely unwise to share that kind of information here, or anywhere, else online.

2) Hopefully you're using condoms AND another reliable method of birth control, like the Pill, Patch or Ring. If you don't want to get pregnant, don't rely on condoms alone. If you don't want to get and STD, use condoms every single time. Two months does not a solid, monogamous relationship make.

If you ever get to the point where you can afford to use one method of BC (meaning you can deal with a pregnancy), both of you need to go get tested for everything, including HPV and HSV. Then, you wait 6 months (using condoms) and re-test for HIV/AIDS. If those tests are clear, you can decide whether or not you want to use condoms. In fact, it'd be smart to get tested now as well, because herpes and HPV can be transmitted without sharing fluids. You'll still have to do it again later, but the more testing the better.

He's had unprotected sex with at least two women, and all of the people they've had U/P sex with. He could be crawling with diseases/infections, so condoms are the ONLY way to go. If you've had unprotected sex with anyone, he's being very smart. If he was/is cheating, be grateful he's protecting your health to some extent.

3) Maybe he didn't know or forgot his exes were working at the same place. Maybe not. You'll have to ask him if he knew they worked there, and, if so, why he didn't tell you.

But what bothers you about working with them? In other words, why would you feel awkward?

Also, ask yourself why you jumped to the conclusion that he didn't tell you purposely. What does that tell you about him and your relationship? This is important; I'm guessing your instincts have been/are telling you something, and you haven't listened to them in the past.

If I were you, I'd befriend those exes and get their perspectives on their relationships with your bf, if possible. What was good, bad, and why did they break up? Did he dump them, or vice versa. You can gain a lot of good information that may help you with your relationship and make better decisions about it.

alright forgot about the name of where i work , anywho i deleted that .. well , preg. im not all worried about .. i do know how to raise a child , i raised my nephew for most of this life .. his mother walked out on him and my brother was locked up so .. i felt that my life could wait and his couldnt, therefore .. i dropped out of school and so on .. anway .. not that i want kids right now , but .. if i was to get preg. i dont believe in abortions therefore i would have it .. ready or not i made the choice to have sex period , with or without condoms and well .. with that comes consequences you know .. but thats why i do use condoms now , because im not ready for kids .. anyways ~ i dont think he will cheat .. i really dont .. and yes , when he gets home .. im having him take me to the clinic to get tested .. not because i think he has something , but as a precautionary measure .. along with i need a pap anyway .. might as well get it all done at the same time/place ....
as for working with his ex's and it making me feel akward , well .. ok ... say it was friday , and i didnt know they dated him yet .. say we are both working together and they talk about how they fucked him .. what would i say back to that , how should i deal with it .. ive never been in the situation before where i had to be around ex's all day every day i worked .. he works with me too , which is why i found it strange that he didnt just say " hey by the way , i have dated two girls here so .. i just thought id let you know .. dont think anything of it though " .. i mean .. like i said .. i highly doubt he will cheat on me , especially with girls that we both work with .. that would be stupid ..

anyways , im cool with one of the girls , the other one i hear bad things about .. so i dont think i want to really get to know her .. AT ALL .. i guess she still likes him , and really .. that alone will make it weird .. for everyone i guess .. maybe not him , but i feel weird just knowing that i work with her and she still wants him .. what if she tries something , i mean he might not let anything happen but what if she like ... kisses him , or tries to touch him .. what do i do ? again , maybe im just being paranoid , maybe its immature , maybe its insecure , i dont know .. i just wanted to know how i should deal with it .. if its normal how i feel and all ..

 

[Mary Hall]

hes had sex with both of them , without condoms

Guess the idiot wants to get AIDS then.

 

[redneckgirl]

I don't know how I would feel about being around my husband's ex every day, but I know when I first met him and had to go around his ex (because of his kids), I was very uncomfortable. Now I can talk to her about the kids and everything else and it doesn't bother me at all.

About the condoms, I'd feel safer using them right now. until you're married, it's better to use them. There's too many diseases out there.

 

[emap]

In all honesty, being uncomfortable around his Ex's is perfectly natural, at least for the first year or two of a relationship.

Now, about condoms, the fact that he didn't use them with those two isn't exactly something you should worry about. Namely because, he was younger and for the young condoms are secondary to having sex, some think about it some don't.

Of course, you should get tested and get him tested, simply because you don't know how many those other two had before or during their relationships with him.

I also second the idea of you getting another form of BC, condoms are only 97.9% effective, and as you said, you can raise a child, but don't want to yet, very admirable of you to feel that way.

 

[mathis847]

In all honesty, being uncomfortable around his Ex's is perfectly natural, at least for the first year or two of a relationship.

Now, about condoms, the fact that he didn't use them with those two isn't exactly something you should worry about. Namely because, he was younger and for the young condoms are secondary to having sex, some think about it some don't.

Of course, you should get tested and get him tested, simply because you don't know how many those other two had before or during their relationships with him.

I also second the idea of you getting another form of BC, condoms are only 97.9% effective, and as you said, you can raise a child, but don't want to yet, very admirable of you to feel that way.

well .. today at work .. it wasnt as bad as i thought .. i had worked with one girl that he dated .. we talked .. she said some things but .. i highly doubt what she said was true , simply because i asked someone else about it

the condom issue .. yeah , i hate them ... but ... its better then having unexpected surprises !

when he gets home i do plan on going to the doctor to get my pap , checked for stds and .. birth control ... thanks for the advice everyone , very helpful especially the stuff about his ex's ..

 

[rrod69xx]

just saw your posts in this thread,
DUMP HIS ASS find a respectful guy and enjoy life.
its too short for BS and can be shorter than you think.

 

[mathis847]

just saw your posts in this thread,
DUMP HIS ASS find a respectful guy and enjoy life.
its too short for BS and can be shorter than you think.

why would i dump him .. i would want just cause if i do .. i mean , yeah .. there is just cause there , i just dont want to " not " try if i can try .. maybe im crazy , maybe i dont know what im getting myself into .. i dont know .. i just want to at least try to make it work by trying to get through these things .. if i cant get through these , then most likely im not going to get through anything in a relationship , or thats my thoughts .. but then again .. i am young .. so i dont know everything .. its just a thought

 

[SweetErika]

why would i dump him .. i would want just cause if i do .. i mean , yeah .. there is just cause there , i just dont want to " not " try if i can try .. maybe im crazy , maybe i dont know what im getting myself into .. i dont know .. i just want to at least try to make it work by trying to get through these things .. if i cant get through these , then most likely im not going to get through anything in a relationship , or thats my thoughts .. but then again .. i am young .. so i dont know everything .. its just a thought

I don't agree with Rod that he's been disrespectful in this situation, and you should just dump him before talking; you're right, you have to try to make it work if a relationship's worth saving.

However, as we've talked about, he certainly has been disrespectful and uncommunicative in other areas/situations. From what you've said, it doesn't seem like he's putting in a lot of effort to make it work, and that's a huge concern to me. If he doesn't change his ways (and most people don't), I don't see it working out long-term no matter how hard you try.

I hope I'm wrong about that for your sake, but on the bright side, breaking up could give you a chance to figure yourself out and find people who really work to spend time with you, communicate, improve the relationship, please you sexually, boost your self-esteem, respect and love you, and all of the other things you deserve from a partner. When one door closes, others always open, so don't sell yourself short by staying in relationships where your partner isn't working to (or can't/won't) satisfy your needs.

 

[mathis847]

I don't agree with Rod that he's been disrespectful in this situation, and you should just dump him before talking; you're right, you have to try to make it work if a relationship's worth saving.

However, as we've talked about, he certainly has been disrespectful and uncommunicative in other areas/situations. From what you've said, it doesn't seem like he's putting in a lot of effort to make it work, and that's a huge concern to me. If he doesn't change his ways (and most people don't), I don't see it working out long-term no matter how hard you try.

I hope I'm wrong about that for your sake, but on the bright side, breaking up could give you a chance to figure yourself out and find people who really work to spend time with you, communicate, improve the relationship, please you sexually, boost your self-esteem, respect and love you, and all of the other things you deserve from a partner. When one door closes, others always open, so don't sell yourself short by staying in relationships where your partner isn't working to (or can't/won't) satisfy your needs.

alright .. well .. weve only been " serious " for two months .. do you consider that enough time to say " well ive tried so now im not anymore " im not sure ..i mean , or do you think i should give it just a little more time , to see if hes going to help me out with working on our issues ? since i just moved here , if we did break up , where would i do , should i stay here , should i continue working with him , etc .. see .. im not ready for this , the aftermath anyway .. im trying to make myself ready for the relationship itself . i am trying to figure out things to make him happy , without making it sound like im being too bitchy .. you know ..
cause like sometimes when i get upset , yeah , i sound a little harsh in what i say , i dont mean to , and he knows that .. but i just dont want to sound like im a bitch and bitching at everything he does .. along with the fact that he constantly hangs out with his guy , and its almost like im invincible sometimes .. i feel left out , i know he has his friends , and i dont want to get in the middle of his friendships , but im here now .. how do i discuss this problem with him without sounding like i want him to not chill with his friends anymore

 

[incubus'_sub]

I'm sorry, but 2 months is not a permanent, committed relationship yet, except maybe in Jerry Springer Land.

You sound very young, so your BF probably is too & having short, sweet relationships is normal. It may work out, it may not, who's to know at this early stage.

The reason he's wearing condoms with you is because you are so careless about contraception. Just because you've helped raise a child before does not make you ready to be a mother just because you're too silly to stop it. No young boy wants to be tied down with someone he's gone out with for just 2 months because of pregnancy. It's quite possible that the other girls were using another form of contraception & he (foolishly) forgot about the disease factor with them.

Forget about the other girls he's gone out with. Presumably you've dated others before as well. It doesn't matter that you work with them & don't fall into the trap of talking to them about him either. It's your BF & your private life now.

 

[SweetErika]

alright .. well .. weve only been " serious " for two months .. do you consider that enough time to say " well ive tried so now im not anymore " im not sure ..i mean , or do you think i should give it just a little more time , to see if hes going to help me out with working on our issues ?

Based on what you've said, I think you should proceed with caution. Try to work it out through communication, but don't compromise yourself or needs, make sure he's putting in at least equal effort since the relationship's so rocky, and don't get your heart set on staying with him, no matter what. I'm not saying you should view it as doomed, just that you need to be cautious and keep your options open.

since i just moved here , if we did break up , where would i do , should i stay here , should i continue working with him , etc .. see .. im not ready for this , the aftermath anyway .. im trying to make myself ready for the relationship itself .

Which is why it's a poor idea to live together so early and/or when things aren't good, but you know that. Living together is a big step and commitment, like getting engaged or married.

It may also be causing some of the problems you're having, like him not valuing or spending time with you. That's something most couples go through at some point(s), so the decision to live together may have sped up the appearance of it. Couples get stronger through dating/courtship experiences. If they skip those, how will they know whether they're a good enough match and strong enough couple to make a commitment like living together? Right, they don't have or know it. In other words, you guys kind of did things backwards and may have caused a lot of problems by moving too quickly in the relationship.

I'm not scolding or trying to make you feel bad, just sharing my thoughts on the topic in hopes of bringing you some understanding about this.

since i just moved here , if we did break up , where would i do , should i stay here , should i continue working with him , etc .. see .. im not ready for this , the aftermath anyway .. im trying to make myself ready for the relationship itself .

If I were you, I'd work on saving up all that I could so I was self-sufficient and had the option of living on my own. The first reason is that it feels bad to depend on someone for basic needs; I want to be able to provide for myself. The second is, I don't want to be tied to someone/a relationship because I can't make it on my own. The third reason is that it's just smart to be self-sufficient; I need to be able to make it on my own financially and emotionally in case something happens to my partner.

So, start saving everything possible in your own separate account so you can move out or survive on your own if you want or need to.

i am trying to figure out things to make him happy , without making it sound like im being too bitchy .. you know ..
cause like sometimes when i get upset , yeah , i sound a little harsh in what i say , i dont mean to , and he knows that .. but i just dont want to sound like im a bitch and bitching at everything he does ..

Perhaps it'd help to write your thoughts down before talking to him. Use "I/We" statements (i.e. "I'm feeling bad about X" and "Could we talk about/work on Y?" and "What can we come up with to make Z better?" and approach conversations in a cooperative manner, sticking with one main topic/theme at a time. I have a feeling you're communicating pretty well and he's just responding negatively and/or turning it around to deflect the attention off of him, but that's just a guess. Bringing up issues and talking about things isn't bitchy, it's necessary.

along with the fact that he constantly hangs out with his guy , and its almost like im invincible sometimes .. i feel left out , i know he has his friends , and i dont want to get in the middle of his friendships , but im here now .. how do i discuss this problem with him without sounding like i want him to not chill with his friends anymore

I'd be jealous too, if my partner was spending all of their time with others or on other things INSTEAD of me long-term.

Hubby and I kind of have an unofficial agreement that Sundays are a family day. When we have a kid, we definitely want to spend one day as a whole family as much as possible, so we're setting up that habit now. Often, we also plan to spend a few evening hours during the week, even if we're just cooking dinner, reading, watching tv or going to the the grocery store together.

So, perhaps you could suggest a date night, spending a weekend day, or an hour or two each evening together. Don't say anything about his friends or what he's doing now, just express your desire to see him more. When your needs are fulfilled, him spending time with friends should cease to be a problem. After all, it's not him spending time with the guys, it's him not doing it with you that's the problem, right? If he doesn't want to come to an acceptable compromise and/or follow through on this, you'll probably want to re-think the relationship.

 

[mathis847]

I'm sorry, but 2 months is not a permanent, committed relationship yet, except maybe in Jerry Springer Land.

You sound very young, so your BF probably is too & having short, sweet relationships is normal. It may work out, it may not, who's to know at this early stage.

The reason he's wearing condoms with you is because you are so careless about contraception. Just because you've helped raise a child before does not make you ready to be a mother just because you're too silly to stop it. No young boy wants to be tied down with someone he's gone out with for just 2 months because of pregnancy. It's quite possible that the other girls were using another form of contraception & he (foolishly) forgot about the disease factor with them.

Forget about the other girls he's gone out with. Presumably you've dated others before as well. It doesn't matter that you work with them & don't fall into the trap of talking to them about him either. It's your BF & your private life now.

im not going to comment on this , simply because its not worth my time ...

 

[mathis847]

Based on what you've said, I think you should proceed with caution. Try to work it out through communication, but don't compromise yourself or needs, make sure he's putting in at least equal effort since the relationship's so rocky, and don't get your heart set on staying with him, no matter what. I'm not saying you should view it as doomed, just that you need to be cautious and keep your options open.
Which is why it's a poor idea to live together so early and/or when things aren't good, but you know that. Living together is a big step and commitment, like getting engaged or married.

It may also be causing some of the problems you're having, like him not valuing or spending time with you. That's something most couples go through at some point(s), so the decision to live together may have sped up the appearance of it. Couples get stronger through dating/courtship experiences. If they skip those, how will they know whether they're a good enough match and strong enough couple to make a commitment like living together? Right, they don't have or know it. In other words, you guys kind of did things backwards and may have caused a lot of problems by moving too quickly in the relationship.

I'm not scolding or trying to make you feel bad, just sharing my thoughts on the topic in hopes of bringing you some understanding about this.
If I were you, I'd work on saving up all that I could so I was self-sufficient and had the option of living on my own. The first reason is that it feels bad to depend on someone for basic needs; I want to be able to provide for myself. The second is, I don't want to be tied to someone/a relationship because I can't make it on my own. The third reason is that it's just smart to be self-sufficient; I need to be able to make it on my own financially and emotionally in case something happens to my partner.

So, start saving everything possible in your own separate account so you can move out or survive on your own if you want or need to.

Perhaps it'd help to write your thoughts down before talking to him. Use "I/We" statements (i.e. "I'm feeling bad about X" and "Could we talk about/work on Y?" and "What can we come up with to make Z better?" and approach conversations in a cooperative manner, sticking with one main topic/theme at a time. I have a feeling you're communicating pretty well and he's just responding negatively and/or turning it around to deflect the attention off of him, but that's just a guess. Bringing up issues and talking about things isn't bitchy, it's necessary.

I'd be jealous too, if my partner was spending all of their time with others or on other things INSTEAD of me long-term.

Hubby and I kind of have an unofficial agreement that Sundays are a family day. When we have a kid, we definitely want to spend one day as a whole family as much as possible, so we're setting up that habit now. Often, we also plan to spend a few evening hours during the week, even if we're just cooking dinner, reading, watching tv or going to the the grocery store together.

So, perhaps you could suggest a date night, spending a weekend day, or an hour or two each evening together. Don't say anything about his friends or what he's doing now, just express your desire to see him more. When your needs are fulfilled, him spending time with friends should cease to be a problem. After all, it's not him spending time with the guys, it's him not doing it with you that's the problem, right? If he doesn't want to come to an acceptable compromise and/or follow through on this, you'll probably want to re-think the relationship.

alright .. well .. i completely understand what your saying erika .. i really do ..honestly.... im starting to realize that it probably wont work out .. im going to end up going back home to my mom .. at least i know i can depend on her if need be ... i dont think im going to suggest anything anymore .. i think more or less im going to put it all on the line for him , tell him how i feel and im going to plain and simply tell him that if he cant try to help me on working it out , then were just done .. i cant be the only one trying .. i shouldnt feel unhappy all the time .. i shouldnt have to beg for him to spend time with me , or make love to me ... i dont know how im going to say it but ill figure it out ... anyways , thanks for the advice , and the support .. i dont think ill be coming back on here anymore .. this shit just isnt worth my time , or my life .. when i say this shit i mean my bf and the shit i have to deal with with him .. thanks again .. later

 

[SweetErika]

Then come back for YOU. This is a great place to learn about sexuality and relationships, make friends and build a support network. There's lots to explore on this site.

Good luck with whatever you decide or do, though, and you definitely have the right idea about sticking up for yourself/needs instead of blaming and expecting yourself to carry the relationship. You'll meet partners who appreciate that more than you know.