Snub a Dom/mme?

[crazybbwgirl]

I'm going to do it. I thought we were compatible. I thought we'd be a good match. But the longer I talked to him the more I realized I was wrong. I'm calling off our meeting.

I have a friend who is Dom and he says 3/4 of the subs he meets online never show up for that first r/l meeting. They don't even call to explain or apologize. At least I'm not going to just NOT show up! Is this a common occurance?

 

[InnerDarkness]

Do you not feel comfortable just telling them you want to slow down, stop or cease communication? Isn't it an option to just say, "hey, I'd rather not."?

 

[InnerDarkness]

oh, maybe I read wrong...you are or aren't going to tell him?

I need a Diet Coke LOL...too sleepy...

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I already told him. But I still feel guilty/bad about breaking our first meeting...... I was just wondering how often that happens? Subs - have you broken/not shown up for a first meeting? Doms - have you been stood up?

 

[InnerDarkness]

ohhhhhhh
Gotcha

yeah, I would imagine quite a few people get cold feet as the time approaches...but just standing them up...wow...kinda harsh all the way around.

I often feel bad in telling someone it just isn't working out, but that has always been before it ever got to the meeting part...

WOuld love to hear what others have experienced...

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<snip>But I still feel guilty/bad about breaking our first meeting...... I was just wondering how often that happens? Subs - have you broken/not shown up for a first meeting? Doms - have you been stood up?

I've been stood up twice - by the same potential sub. Not only that, but she let me make a one-hour drive (one way) each time - annoying. The first time, she apologized afterward, said that she just "kind of panicked," and assured me it wouldn't happen again. The next weekend, same deal. I got back and found an e-mail timestamped about 30 minutes after I had left, saying she was sorry, hoped I hadn't left - she had just decided she didn't have the guts to go through with it. I replied to her e-mail, wished her luck with her life ... and told her I was removing her from my contacts list and address book.

I can understand nerves; I can tolerate being stood up. I can't and don't tolerate bad manners or rudeness. She knew long before the time I needed to leave to make our appointment that she was not going to go. She could have - should have - had the simple manners to let me know in time that I would not have to waste my time and money. Had she done so, I might not have cut her off... but since she didn't, sobeit - she can play her chicken-hearted little games with some other sucker. (Hmm... I wonder if she realized just before the second aborted meeting that the consequence for her thoughtlessness on the first one would be ..... painful?)

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Well at least I told him 2 days before we were supposed to meet. So I feel a bit better about that. It IS nerve wracking to meet in r/l the first time. I thought I was going to pass out the first time I did it!

And there is NO excuse for bad manners.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have never stood anyone up. Like sir Winston... I find it the height of rudeness and it exhibits a lack of class.

I was left waiting once, for 2 hours. He did show up... finally and I waited only because I knew why he was held up (although it was NOT a good reason to me.) And I can assure you, and anyone else interested... that will never happen to me again.

 

[graceanne]

Well, I've never been in either situation, but I agree that's just flat out rude. If I was in that situation, I wouldn't give second chances either.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Well, I've never been in either situation, but I agree that's just flat out rude. If I was in that situation, I wouldn't give second chances either.

Well, I believe in second chances, if apologies are sufficiently abject (which they were) and assurances offered that it won't happen again. Third chance - very doubtful, very rare.

 

[Moon Shadow]

Don't give up!

Dear CBBWG, glad to see you made a first step to experience your BDSM fantasies. However, don't feel guilty about breaking your meeting. Don't give up in realising your intentions. Try again, you have my support

 

[InnerDarkness]

I just try and think how I would feel if it were happening to me. I would be so hurt, and personally affected by it...and so naturally I wouldn't wish that upon anyone...

I thought the thread on rejection was particularly good, and potentially deals with some overlapping areas.

I haven't met very many people from online in real life...several in college (not for BDSM or sexual reasons), and a few since then, but I always had a fear...what if we were meeting in a public place, and they no showed...did they REALLY no show, or did they see me and leave? I mean...never happened, and I am fairly confident in my attractiveness, but seriously...that could be personally damaging to someone who has esteem issues as it is if they think along those same lines...

 

[graceanne]

I guess it's different in my case. If I were going to meet a potential dom, I wouldn't have to worry about him being scared or anything. More likely I would be. And if their's a good excuse that's one thing. But just blowing the person off? Well as far as I'm concerned if someone can do that, then they're pretty selfish and rude, and those are my two BIG pet peeves.

 

[WriterDom]

I got stood up once, but I barely knew her. We were just having coffee. It is pretty annoying.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Well, I believe in second chances, if apologies are sufficiently abject (which they were) and assurances offered that it won't happen again. Third chance - very doubtful, very rare.

I met this man 3 times. I knew him for over 2 years before my first meeting with him...

The first 2 meetings were wonderful. The third time he stood me up for his sick GIRLFRIEND.

Won't be happening to this little lady again... my time and money is too valuable to me.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Re: Don't give up!

Dear CBBWG, glad to see you made a first step to experience your BDSM fantasies. However, don't feel guilty about breaking your meeting. Don't give up in realising your intentions. Try again, you have my support

Thank you Moon!~ This was not to be my FIRST time - just first time meeting this Dom. The thing is - after our last phone coversation some of the things he said just didn't ring true. I rarely have a warning flag go off - but this time I did. But I STILL feel guilty about it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Don't give up!

Thank you Moon!~ This was not to be my FIRST time - just first time meeting this Dom. The thing is - after our last phone coversation some of the things he said just didn't ring true. I rarely have a warning flag go off - but this time I did. But I STILL feel guilty about it.

Well... just stop it! ;-D

Go with your gut feelings. They are rarely wrong.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Re: Re: Re: Don't give up!

Well... just stop it! ;-D

Go with your gut feelings. They are rarely wrong.

.

Thankyou! I needed that.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Don't give up!

.

Thankyou! I needed that.

You're welcome. Have a great day now! ;-)

 

[Moon Shadow]

That's for sure - follow your own feelings, that's most important! Once again, I'm with you CBBWG

 

[kayte]

I already told him. But I still feel guilty/bad about breaking our first meeting...... I was just wondering how often that happens? Subs - have you broken/not shown up for a first meeting? Doms - have you been stood up?

You did the right thing!! And you also have given him the courtesy of letting him know you won't be there.

You listened to "your little voice" and did what it said!! We need to do that!!!

 

[PyroDemon]

There obviously was a good reason for this red flag to go off when you last spoke. It is that inner voice we seldom listen to that oftens saves us great pain. Although you feel guilty about not showing up, don't. That guilt is simple a byproduct of being a caring person. And don't let that influence you into doing something agains't that part of you that says stop. I have never been stood up. Lucky me. I think it has to do with I make it possible for the first meeting to be as relaxed and carefree initially as possible. I admit to the butterflies and sweaty palms myself. And like everyone else I hate rudeness, but then, I seldom experience it. Good luck and relax alittle. I think you two need to do a bit more communicating personally.

 

[PyroDemon]

sorry, double posted

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Well - I'm sure my guilt will subside. I'm just not very good at disappointing anyone. But I do not wish to persue this any farther. It's hard when you're submissive and he's being pushy and before you know it you've committed to meeting when you really weren't ready for all that. whew! lol Apparently I needed to vent for a second.

I'm kinda surprised there aren't more who've snubbed/been snubbed.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Only you can answer if you have done the right thing, though I would steer clear of labeling it as snubbing if it was simply a matter of deciding you were not compatible. The term 'snubbing' tends to infer a negative judgement which is ego based, or a sense of resentment toward someone you have never met. While it is good to listen to that inner voice, it can also be difficult to differentiate at times whether it is actually guiding you correct, or if your first time nerves are playing tricks on you.

I know when I was searching, I often communicated with men I decided along the way were likely not going to be the one. I was open about my intuitive thoughts, but if they still were interested in meeting in a public place, but not pushy, I would usually agree with the thought I would then know for sure and at the very least make a friend hopefully...I still am in contact with some of those men who though were not for me, turned out to be great support and friends.

The first time is usually the most difficult I think as you have the pent up hopes and desires, the wondering, the anticipation to deal with, along with the usual bundle of nerves you get going into any new situation. Unless there is something really off it is worth pushing through the jitters to make that first step, and in some ways it can be good to do it with someone you do not think you will be particularly compatible with, but you can trust enough to be open and friendly...good way to do a practice run of sorts for when the right one does come along. They are often the ones who will guide you all the way until you find your feet and a one for you, without expecting anything in return.

As to calling off meetings or being stood up...I didn't call off any once the decision was made, and don't recall anyone standing me up either. Since F and I have been meeting with male subs, we have had 2 who backed out at the last minute. One we had to drive 2 hours to meet and were halfway there before he messaged to say he had gotten stuck in traffic (which we were also) so gone home.....the second said a business meeting had run overtime and he couldn't make it...both were new to the scene and highly nervous, but at least they contacted which was something. Hope you have more luck with the next meeting.

Catalina