Smoke

[arienette]

You should quit smoking. Don't you know how bad it is for you? You're going to die soon! You smell like an ashtray, it's disgusting.

Well, I have a response, thank you Denis Leary.

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day, ok. And I am never fucking quitting! I don't care how many laws they make. What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?! The cops are outside, "We know you have the cigarettes. Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head." "You'll never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom. Yeah!"

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time. I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies all the way around my neck. I'll be Tracheotomie Man! "He can smoke a pack at a time! He's Tracheotomie Man!"

I'm looking forward to cancer, man. I want that throat cancer. That's the best kind. You know why? You get that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing. Know what I'm talking about? ..[Talking as if has a voice box].. Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money with a voice box. Get a voice box, walking around the streets of Manhattan, "[VB] You got any spare change?" "Ahhh!! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me! Ahh!"

Imagine a whole family with voice boxes. That'd be creepy, wouldn't it? They'd be out in that backyard everyday during the summer. "[VB] Dad, can we go to the beach?" "[VB] Yes, get your mother and the dog. We'll leave right now. Sparky, come here." "[VB] Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf" Ahhhh!!

Or the ultimate irony. A guy with a voice box pulling up to the drive through window at McDonald's. That has to suck, huh? "Can I help you?" "[VB] Big Mac and a large order of fries." "Stop making fun of me." "[VB] I'm not making fun of you." "I'm getting the manager." "[VB] Get the fucking manager, I don't care."

I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, God dammit! When it was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! Cuz I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the game. He had a voice box. He was the first American to have a voice box. Yeah! "[VB] This is Babe Ruth, the Sultan of Swat, the Bambino, I smoke twenty-five God damn cuban cigars a day. I had meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I fucked eighteen prostitutes a night! 'course, I'm dead now. I'm up here in heaven. Lou Gehrig is up here with me. God love Lou Gehrig. Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig. Died of Lou Gehrig's disease. How the hell did he not see that coming? You know. We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease with your name all over it, pal! There ain't no Babe Ruth disease, I'll tell you that much right now. Have a hot dog and a Hummer. Go ahead, it's on me."

I don't know. Personally, I think Billy Martin said it best when he said, "Hey! I can drive!" Because we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We fucking tried. Okay? You wanted your own sections in the restaurants. We gave you that, huh. But that wasn't enough for you. Then you wanted the airplanes. We gave you the whole God damn plane! You happy now? You own the fucking plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks because I will guarantee you if the plane is going down, the first announcement you're gonna hear is, "Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Look, uhm, light 'em up, 'cause we're going down, okay. I got a carton of Camels non-filters, I'll see you on the ground. Take it easy." Actually, it'd be more like this, "[VB] This is your Captain speaking. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em. Rrrr Rrrr"

The filters the best part. That's where they put the heroine. Only us real good smokers know that fucking secret. Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We tried. But you just fucking badger us, you know? You won't leave us alone! You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us. All these little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet and you store that little nugget in your little fucking head, and we light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya? I love these little facts. "Well you know. Smoking takes ten years off your life." Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair kidney dialysis fucking years. You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!? And I guarantee if I'm still alive, I'll be smoking then. I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on and my twenty-five year old non- smoking born again christian son behind me. I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure you wipe this time. I was itching all week for Christ's sake! And get me some more wippets. I'm almost out, you fucking pussy! Come on!"

Because you're always telling us, "You know, every cigarette takes six minutes off your life. If you quit now you can live an extra ten years. If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years." Hey, I got two words for you, ok. Jim Fix. Remember Jim Fix? The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped out of a heart attack when? When he was fucking jogging, that's when! What do you wanna bet it was two smokers who found the body the next morning and went, "Hey! That's Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a fucking tragedy. Come on, lets go buy some buds."

It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother fuckers who get run over buy a bus drive by a guy who smokes three and a half packs a day. "Sorry officer, I didn't see him. I was too busy smoking!"

 

[rgraham666]

There are ads on the outside of streetcars and buses here in Toronto.

It has two arrows pointing to seats. The message says, "If these people smoke a pack a day, one of them will die from it."

And every time I see it I think, "And the other one will die from something else."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

We all die, it's just a matter of when. Statistics have proven that if you ride motorcycles without a helmet you will die sooner than someone who rides with a helmet.

If you drink too much water at one time you will drowned, anything in excess of course is not good.

Should I tell you about my discussions with god as I lay on the emergency room table with my heart not pumping.

Was if from smoking for 30 odd years? Probably was a contributing factor, although cholestrol was the culprit, which is increased from smoking. Not wanting to go throuhg the pain I went through nor wanting to put my family through it again, I quit smoking.

Not trying to influence anyone, just saying.

 

[arienette]

Should I tell you about my discussions with god as I lay on the emergency room table with my heart not pumping.

Was if from smoking for 30 odd years? Probably was a contributing factor, although cholestrol was the culprit, which is increased from smoking. Not wanting to go throuhg the pain I went through nor wanting to put my family through it again, I quit smoking.

Not trying to influence anyone, just saying.

It's stuff like this that made me make a thread dedicated to Denis Leary's segment.

 

[rgraham666]

And ten years ago I was hanging from my own belt.

Smoking had nothing to do with that.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

It's stuff like this that made me make a thread dedicated to Denis Leary's segment.

When I was your age I said the same exact thing:

Why quit smoking it takes the years off at the end, what am I going to miss, drooling on myself and having someone feed me?

But things change, people change. I'm not going to bug you about it, it's your choice.

 

[R. Richard]

You should quit smoking. Don't you know how bad it is for you? You're going to die soon! You smell like an ashtray, it's disgusting.

IMNTHO you should stop smoking.

I don't give a rat's ass if it's bad for you.

If you want to die, that's your business.

I don't care if you smell like an ashtray, as long as you don't smell like an ashtray next to me.

It [smoking habit] is disgusting. Yeah, and so is the bitch getting on the bus with nine kids. However, you don't catch me telling her not to fuck.

Now then, why do I think you should stop smoking? Well, they just released a study that shows that second hand smoke is bad for those around a smoker. I already knew that. I am somewhat allergic to tobacco smoke. If you smoke around me, I tell you of my allergy problem and politely ask you to put out your cigarette. If you don't put out your cigarette . . .

The biggest, baddest guy I ever fought was a maybe six foot six inch 250 pound third degree black belt. You want to talk to the guy? First you have to tell me if you are a Hindu.

JMNTHO.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

I care less about how long I live than about what my life will be like for most of the time before the end. I only want to live to 90 if it is reasonably pain free, mobile, independent and with mind intact. I can compromise a bit on all but the last, but not too much. I eat a reasonable but not abstemious diet, get cardio for 30-40 minutes four times a week, and drink in moderation (moderately drunk-ish, not spin or puke) around once a month. There are no guarantees, but to the extent I can tilt the odds at all I know what direction I want to tilt them.

God, that sounds disgustingly reasonable. But - that's not a good enough reason for me to not stick to it.




I hope I have the guts to take the car for an eternal test drive inside the garage should that circumstance arise where it is a sensible thing do . . .

I wish I could live forever, healthy and young.

 

[arienette]

Rob, I just want it to be known that I fucking love you. Oh yes, yes I do.

 

[rgraham666]

Rob, I just want it to be known that I fucking love you. Oh yes, yes I do.

Love you too, sweetie.

 

[cloudy]

I am a polite smoker.

I won't smoke in your car or in your house unless you tell me it's okay to do so. If you're allergic to smoke, I have no problem not smoking around you. It doesn't bother me to refrain from smoking in restaurants, on planes, etc.

However....

Covering your mouth and nose with a cloth when you walk by me when I'm OUTSIDE, and telling your children to do the same thing (not because of allergies, but because you're an asshole), while giving me dirty looks, will cause me to blow as much of my second-hand smoke in your direction as is possible.

 

[rgraham666]

I am a polite smoker.

I won't smoke in your car or in your house unless you tell me it's okay to do so. If you're allergic to smoke, I have no problem not smoking around you. It doesn't bother me to refrain from smoking in restaurants, on planes, etc.

However....

Covering your mouth and nose with a cloth when you walk by me when I'm OUTSIDE, and telling your children to do the same thing (not because of allergies, but because you're an asshole), while giving me dirty looks, will cause me to blow as much of my second-hand smoke in your direction as is possible.

In cases like that I do my 'Sudbury imitation'. I imitate an Ontario mining and smelting town where every plant downwind for twenty miles is dead.

Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I am a polite smoker.

I won't smoke in your car or in your house unless you tell me it's okay to do so. If you're allergic to smoke, I have no problem not smoking around you. It doesn't bother me to refrain from smoking in restaurants, on planes, etc.

However....

Covering your mouth and nose with a cloth when you walk by me when I'm OUTSIDE, and telling your children to do the same thing (not because of allergies, but because you're an asshole), while giving me dirty looks, will cause me to blow as much of my second-hand smoke in your direction as is possible.

Doing their Jaco impression?

Those are the really assholes. They don't realize the pollutants they inhale with every breath outdoors is not going to be increased one iota by your cigerette smoke.

 

[arienette]

I am a polite smoker.

I won't smoke in your car or in your house unless you tell me it's okay to do so. If you're allergic to smoke, I have no problem not smoking around you. It doesn't bother me to refrain from smoking in restaurants, on planes, etc.

However....

Covering your mouth and nose with a cloth when you walk by me when I'm OUTSIDE, and telling your children to do the same thing (not because of allergies, but because you're an asshole), while giving me dirty looks, will cause me to blow as much of my second-hand smoke in your direction as is possible.

Indeed. In fact, I won't smoke in a non-smokers house or car even if they tell me it's okay; I find it very disrespectful. However, if a non-smoker and I are out (which I've run in to a lot with a new friend of mine I've been hanging out with) I'll ask them to keep me company outside (that is if their not allergic to the smoke, of course) while I get my nicotine fill.

 

[pop_54]

Disgusting smokers.... should all be ashamed of yourselves


I went to the doctor last week.... "Doc", I said, "I have a nasty rash on my dick"

"Does it burn when you pass water", he replied....

"Hmm... well I came across the Thames river bridge to get here and I didn't notice any smoke, "I retorted.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Disgusting smokers.... should all be ashamed of yourselves


I went to the doctor last week.... "Doc", I said, "I have a nasty rash on my dick"

"Does it burn when you pass water", he replied....

"Hmm... well I came across the Thames river bridge to get here and I didn't notice any smoke, "I retorted.

Cheeky fuck.

Oh, btw, got a light?

 

[pop_54]

Cheeky fuck.

Oh, btw, got a light?

Ok love Catch

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Ok love Catch

You always did have a thing for girls that could catch fire with her cleavage.

 

[kendo1]

I am a polite smoker.

I won't smoke in your car or in your house unless you tell me it's okay to do so. If you're allergic to smoke, I have no problem not smoking around you. It doesn't bother me to refrain from smoking in restaurants, on planes, etc.

However....

Covering your mouth and nose with a cloth when you walk by me when I'm OUTSIDE, and telling your children to do the same thing (not because of allergies, but because you're an asshole), while giving me dirty looks, will cause me to blow as much of my second-hand smoke in your direction as is possible.

I'm with you, Cloud Warrior.

Except, I won't smoke in someone else's house even if they say I can.
I'll go outside if I need to, or wait until I get home.

Ken

 

[wazhazhe]

When I was your age I said the same exact thing:

Why quit smoking it takes the years off at the end, what am I going to miss, drooling on myself and having someone feed me?

For me, it's not so much taking off years at the end, but the years taken off before the end. I've seen relatives debilitated for decades with smoking related diseases before death.

 

[FallingToFly]

I'm polite as a smoker- and to those who continue to bang away at me about my addiction, (including my newly ex-smoker husband) I only have one response:

"Go ahead- take my cigarettes away. I dare you."

I can't take Valium, I have too many alcoholic tendencies to drink more than three shots of anything a week, and I stress so badly my hair falls out. In addition- I stress, and electronics explode, things fly around my house like someone resurrected the Poltergeist from Hell, and I descend into a spiral of insomnia, wild mood swings, and nervous anxiety that usually results in someone getting hurt. Most often, it's me.

So, I smoke. If you don't like it- tough. I won't do it around you if you ask me not to, I am unfailing kind to non-smokers who don't hassle me, and I do my damnedest to avoid my secondhand emissions bothering them. So leave me alone, and we'll all survive until another night.

 

[Guest]

.....

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

We just lost one of Columbus' Police helicopter pilots. He was just getting ready for take off when he suffered a massive heart attack. He was dead within 45 minutes. He was 58 yrs old and had just passed his FAA required physical with flying colors. (excuse the pun) He was in perfect heath. He didn't drink, didn't smoke and was a health freak.

The doctors are still baffled by his death and don't understand how he could have suffered such a massive heart attack in his condition. In short, they don't know why he died.

When I die, I want there to be no doubts what-so-ever why it happened. When the coroner cuts me open, I want him to jump back and stare in total disbelief and exclaim, "Holy SHIT!!! How did he live this long?!"

I am alive. I will be alive until the day I die. Until that day I intend to live my life, not just watch it pass by. The day I die I will know that I did not just live the length of it, but the breadth as well.

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." Redd Foxx

Notwithstanding my disgustingly sensible habits described above , I do think of this line when I see people who act obsessively, whose kitchen cabinets are literally stuffed with arcane vitamins and supplements, for example.

 

[EmeraldKitten]

At work, the owner recently said that we aren't allowed to smoke inf ront of the building. We have to go to the parking lot next door, or sit in our cars.
We look 'trashy' having employess out front smoking.
Okay, cool. I can still smoke. I don't give a shit where I do it, LOL.

Well, there was an incident, and now we have to work at least a 5 hour shift before we're allowed to smoke. Fuck the dumb shit. Has he ever worked at one of his stores?? LOL. It's all the stress I'm under!

So we've invented reasons to go outside.
Sweep the lot... check the trash.. do a travel path and make sure everything looks pretty...
Course, there's nothing classier than me, a manager, with a broom and a dust pan, spot sweeping the lot with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.
And do I care? Nope. I'm smoking.
Hook me up to a Nicotine IV! lol.

I'm a ploite smoker though. My non-smoking friends I won't smoke around, unless I go outside or whatever. I won't smoke in their cars or anything like that. Even if they say they dont care, I'll still go outside.
Even if I'm around another smoker, I won't smoke while they're eating, and I make a concentrated effort to keep my smoke from going into their face.

My theory is, everyone should smoke.
It's much safer getting first-hand smoke. That way there's a filter.
Second hand smoke is much more dangerous!
So come on everyone, light up!

(LOL. Just kidding. Its a terrible habit. I wish I didnt smoke. My grandma has Emphysema and still smokes.. she's going to be on oxygen soon. I don't want that in my future, but shit happens.)

Excuse me while I go puff away.

 

[3113]

I don't give a shit if you smoke or not. I do give a shit if you smoke around me. I don't want to smell of smoke, nor do I want the room we're sharing to stink of smoke or my clothes to smell like an asstray. If that's what you want, find, but don't you dare force it on me. I don't want to breathe smoke, and I don't want to be set on fire. When I was six, a smoker, waving around her cigarette burned me and left a scar I have till this day.

Smoke in your own home as much as you like. I won't visit you and we'll both be happy.

And I'm fine with you havng an additude about how you're happy to die of cancer and all the rest. So long as I don't have to foot the bill. So when you get it, please be sure you don't up insurance premiums and that everything gets paid for out of your pocket. You knew the risks, you pay for the results.

As for Denis Leary...it makes perfect sense to me that he'd be your role model. I'm so glad you've found each other