Slave training for low confidence lover

OttawaMaleSlut

Experienced
Joined
Feb 21, 2005
Posts
43
Hi everyone.

I've been having a 'lover' for the last while which is strictly a friends with benefits type of relationship. We don't go out together, we don't see each other friends, and we are pretty much strictly having sex, and hanging out at someones house for 'friendship'.

Though, I've come to realize now that she has low self confidence, shes overly shy, and shes too afraid to be strong and not take shit from anyone. I realize, that even if we did go out she would dress WAY too homly for a 23 year old woman who has a nice figure. I do notice she does have a submissive side.

I'm asking this out of curiosity of 'intelligent' and more experienced members; Does slave training provide any support in learning to be more confident, or 'coming out of the shell'? I thinking along the lines of breaking her down to just a thing, taking away all her inhibitions by not allowing her to decide what she does and doesn't want (to certain limits), and then building upon that foundation. In much, this is the same way soldiers are trained and taught self confidence.

Eventually, after some time, I want her to rise from being a thing to a pet and then a woman with her own confidence. I want her to be able to feel confident and comfortable about dressing more sexy when she goes out with her friends, and I want her to not be ashamed for her lovely body. In the end I want to be a friend who she can walk away grateful for, for the experience, for the training, and for the self confidence she has that I want to bring out in her.


Your ideas and thoughts please.....unless your calling me an idiot without reasons....;)
 
My thoughts would be that given you have no experience and limited knowledge, any attempts to break someone would be ill advised and the things fantasies are made of more so than reality. I also do not see it as a way to 'help' someone with self esteem issues, though many like to think becoming instant Dom/me gives them such supernatural powers, all totally altruistic of course. Ah, this wouldn't be the one you were thinking in May of letting into your life again so you could put her in her place at your feet where she belongs IYO, would it?

Catalina :rose:
 
Last edited:
Gut reaction-

"Breaking someone down", who has esteem issues, is a foolish idea, even if one *does* have the training and experience.

It will most likely be an unpopular opinion, but I also (personally) feel a "friends with benifits/fuck buddies" is not the best thing for those with esteem issues, either.

If you were really concerned about her as a person (again- personal opinion here), and want to accomplish this:

"In the end I want to be a friend who she can walk away grateful for, for the experience, for the training, and for the self confidence she has that I want to bring out in her."


... it would be better to be a Friend, and build her up, rather than a sex-based, let's-experiment-and-see-if-we-can-strip-her-down-and-remake-her project.
 
Thank goodness you replyed to this post catalina. I instantly felt uncomfortable reading it and I'm not sure why.
 
OttawaMaleSlut said:
ha, no way.....thats someone who was way beyong screwed up before I met them ;)

But you also seem to think this woman is screwed up...maybe it is just they are not your cup of tea?

Catalina :rose:
 
Don't do it

You appear to be asking a thoughtful and well intentioned question but you are looking at a course of action that could blow up in your face. What you want to do is not the way to go. Just try being a friend. Help her to see her worth by reinforcing it in everything you do and say to her. Be a friend and lover and confidant first.

Just my opinion.
 
Last edited:
saw_man1 said:
You appear to be asking a thoughtful and well intentioned question but you are looking at a course of action that could blow up in your face. What you want to do is not the way to go. Just try being a friend. Help her to see her worth by reinforcing it in everything you do and say to her. Don’t allow her self loathing to go unchallenged. Remind her that if she was a nothing you would not care for her. You being there is proof that she is a somebody.

Be a friend and lover and confidant first.
Can you quietly enlist her friends to help.
Is professional counseling an option?

It appears that you just want to help this girl but I would advise that you stick with more traditional forms of therapy.

Just my opinion.


But it doesn't say she is into self loathing, just she doesn't dress sexy enough for him, she is too shy for him, and he thinks it all comes down to lack of confidence....some people are just quiet, happy in their own skins...doesn't mean they need to be changed or get counselling to make them the image someone else wants them to be....and for what?.. so when he has finished with her he can let her go as he says?

Catalina :rose:
 
catalina_francisco said:
But it doesn't say she is into self loathing, just she doesn't dress sexy enough for him, she is too shy for him, and he thinks it all comes down to lack of confidence....some people are just quiet, happy in their own skins...doesn't mean they need to be changed or get counselling to make them the image someone else wants them to be....and for what?.. so when he has finished with her he can let her go as he says?

Catalina :rose:

Good point.

I thought he was painting a picture of a woman who hides behind frumpy clothing and lets others push her around because of her lack of confidence.

Upon rereading his post I can see that I did skim thorough it too fast.

I blame it on premature posting. It affects all men at one time or another. Luckily it's nothing permanent.
 
Last edited:
I have to speak from experience here.

I have low self confidence, and up to a while ago always dressed very "frumpy" - didn't take care of my hair or my skin, never wore clothes that showed off my body. I didn't like the way i looked or felt, and had extremely low self esteem.

I got a fuck-buddy thing going on with a guy who wanted to boost my confidence and make me feel better about myself. He told me I should try different things with my hair, and I did, to please him. He said I should wear different clothes to show myself off, and I did, and he liked it.

He did help me a lot, by making me feel sexy and attractive and desirable. He also made me feel bad because I did so much to please him and look more attractive to him and in the end he rejected me.

I don't think you should try to change this person. But I think it'd be possible to boost her self confidence by telling her how attractive, sexy, and fantastic you think she is. Don't make her do anything, don't break her down, don't try any psychological stuff on her especially if you don't have a medical degree. (Yes, I know you only need a medical degree for psychiatry) Don't try to change her because you think she's too frumpy or whatnot. Just do your best to let her know that she IS fantastic.

That's my opinion. I hope it helps.
 
to chicklet; note to OMS

nice posting, chicklet. so much of 'attractiveness' is thinking you are such. this reminds me of those polls where people are asked, Are you above above average, average, or below average in attactractiveness?

a majority always say, 'above average'.

--
oms,
In much, this is the same way soldiers are trained and taught self confidence.

i'm much interested in this military analogy for so called 'dominance' and 'submission.' yet i don't feel comfortable in this case. except in a war, someone joins voluntarily. he may even say 'i want to become a man.' so there is a voluntarily made contract, with the person reasonably informed about its nature and effects.

i don't see that present in your case. i don't hear of her asking, 'make me your slave. i need to be 'made over'; i want you to do it.' or am i missing something?

what you suggest more resembles not even a 'draft' of a soldier, but the old 'shanghaiing' methods. grab the young man when he's drunk, get him aboard, and set sail. tell him he's in the navy, and that will 'make a man out of him.' (IOW, no voluntary situation, and a coerced contract, i.e. no contract)
 
Last edited:
OttawaMaleSlut said:
I've been having a 'lover' for the last while which is strictly a friends with benefits type of relationship. We don't go out together, we don't see each other friends, and we are pretty much strictly having sex, and hanging out at someones house for 'friendship'.

....Eventually, after some time, I want .... I want her to ... and I want her to .... In the end I want to be a friend who she can walk away grateful for ... I want to bring out in her.

Your ideas and thoughts please.....unless your calling me an idiot without reasons....;)

You want to build her self-esteem?

Take her out places in public. Be HAPPY to be seen with her. Talk to her and more importantly, LISTEN. Introduce her to your friends. Get her to introduce you to hers. Spend time with her, hold her hand, put your arm around her. Cuddle.

I see a lot of "I want" in your message, and nothing about "she has indicated an interest in..." And while your stated goals are laudable, I see a lot of selfish expression here that makes me wonder if you are understanding the huge responsibility and commitment that your proposed course of action would entail, that the ethics of such a course of action requires.

Frankly, unless you are a mental health professional, or someone trained in the process (like a military DI is) this is not a course of action I would recommend that _you_ undertake. You want her self-esteem to improve? Then be supportive, be caring, be affirmative, and get her to seek professional help. Be a FRIEND, not a fuck-buddy.
 
A lot of good posts thus far on this thread, and I would just like to reinforce some in particular.

Firstly, the more you tell her how much you really do think she's beautiful and sexy, the more she'll understand you're saying that because it's true. Tell her that you want to go out and do things because you really like to be be with her. But as Evil-Geoff pointed out sleeping with her with no strings attached is bound to be confusing for her. My advice would be to either define the relationship and friends-only or something more formal. That way she can start to look for someone on her own or at least try things with you.
 
Valuable input

OttawaMaleSlut said:
Hi everyone.

Eventually, after some time, I want her to rise from being a thing to a pet and then a woman with her own confidence. I want her to be able to feel confident and comfortable about dressing more sexy when she goes out with her friends, and I want her to not be ashamed for her lovely body. In the end I want to be a friend who she can walk away grateful for, for the experience, for the training, and for the self confidence she has that I want to bring out in her.

Your ideas and thoughts please.....unless your calling me an idiot without reasons....;)

Well how 'bout doing it in this order. Help her become a woman with self confidence first, then make her your pet and if she is then able to handle "being temporarily" made into an "object" as in "role play objectification"... somewhere way, way down the road then OK.

I have to ask you, when you call her a "thing"...do you mean sex object?

From a woman's perspective. You seem ashamed to take her anywhere, yet you use her for sex in the privacy of a friends home.

...and then you want her to be grateful to you when all is said and done for this transformation?

Cripes why don't you just leave the girl alone?

I won't call you an idiot but something much worse...grrrr
 
OttawaMaleSlut said:
Hi everyone.

I've been having a 'lover' for the last while which is strictly a friends with benefits type of relationship. We don't go out together, we don't see each other friends, and we are pretty much strictly having sex, and hanging out at someones house for 'friendship'.

Though, I've come to realize now that she has low self confidence, shes overly shy, and shes too afraid to be strong and not take shit from anyone. I realize, that even if we did go out she would dress WAY too homly for a 23 year old woman who has a nice figure. I do notice she does have a submissive side.

I'm asking this out of curiosity of 'intelligent' and more experienced members; Does slave training provide any support in learning to be more confident, or 'coming out of the shell'? I thinking along the lines of breaking her down to just a thing, taking away all her inhibitions by not allowing her to decide what she does and doesn't want (to certain limits), and then building upon that foundation. In much, this is the same way soldiers are trained and taught self confidence.

Eventually, after some time, I want her to rise from being a thing to a pet and then a woman with her own confidence. I want her to be able to feel confident and comfortable about dressing more sexy when she goes out with her friends, and I want her to not be ashamed for her lovely body. In the end I want to be a friend who she can walk away grateful for, for the experience, for the training, and for the self confidence she has that I want to bring out in her.


Your ideas and thoughts please.....unless your calling me an idiot without reasons....;)

Ah she's shy like me huh? Well here's a pointer. "Patience!" this is the key to getting anyone to open up. Every woman is different. Like for me i'm a little different I find it really hard to feel sexy, and confident about myself if the relationship is based strictly on sex. For her she might be able to handle this but you might want to re-question her and ask her, "Is friends with benefits truly something you know you can handle?" Look at her in the eyes when she says this and try to read her response.

Like me at times I thought I could handle having sex with male friends. But the more I tensed up the more I realized that I could only be kinky, and wild when I was in a loving relationship with someone.

If she can handle this relationship then your next step is the hardest. Getting her to open up to you. When you compliment a woman, the easiest way to make her feel uncomfortable is to go on, and on about her body. The more you say she has a beautiful figure, the more uncomfortable some women will become.

It's okay to say, "You look beautiful in that dress! with a smile!" and then stop. But don't keep going. A woman looks in the mirror and she see's all the problems. A man looks at her and he thinks, "Woah! i'm in heaven." So the more you compliment her figure the more she can look at it and find a problem in it.

I think for most women it's not always the flaws that make her uncomfortable. It's the feeling of being completly exposed to a man. It's a weird feeling that you really have to feel to understand it. And this is the part that needs to be broken.

Start out slowly and work your way up. Don't just tear all her clothes off, and expect her to start humping your leg. Take things one step at a time.

When removing her top. Leave the bra, and pants on. Keep doing that until she's comfortable with it. Even if it takes a week. She'll eventually get comfortable enough to wear she wants to remove something else.

After awhile, when she gets to the point of being completly naked around you and she's comfortable. Then you can make up rules like, "No clothes when your in my house!" but until then take it slow.
 
My Opinion...

OttawaMaleSlut said:
Hi everyone.

I've been having a 'lover' for the last while which is strictly a friends with benefits type of relationship. We don't go out together, we don't see each other friends, and we are pretty much strictly having sex, and hanging out at someones house for 'friendship'.

Though, I've come to realize now that she has low self confidence, shes overly shy, and shes too afraid to be strong and not take shit from anyone. I realize, that even if we did go out she would dress WAY too homly for a 23 year old woman who has a nice figure. I do notice she does have a submissive side.

I'm asking this out of curiosity of 'intelligent' and more experienced members; Does slave training provide any support in learning to be more confident, or 'coming out of the shell'? I thinking along the lines of breaking her down to just a thing, taking away all her inhibitions by not allowing her to decide what she does and doesn't want (to certain limits), and then building upon that foundation. In much, this is the same way soldiers are trained and taught self confidence.

Eventually, after some time, I want her to rise from being a thing to a pet and then a woman with her own confidence. I want her to be able to feel confident and comfortable about dressing more sexy when she goes out with her friends, and I want her to not be ashamed for her lovely body. In the end I want to be a friend who she can walk away grateful for, for the experience, for the training, and for the self confidence she has that I want to bring out in her.


Your ideas and thoughts please.....unless your calling me an idiot without reasons....;)

This is just my opinion:

If she doesn't think highly of herself there is nothing that you can do that will change her perspective about that. Nothing.

If you hate yourself, does it matter if the whole world loves you?

Again, this is just my opinion based off of past experience.
 
Back
Top