Single parenting? Intentionally?

[BlondGirl]

I have gone over this countless times and have looked at this issue from as many angles as I could find.

I have been fighting a serious case of baby-lust for years--I am now at the point where I can plan to have another child (not ready to create on, but start the preparation process--mainly involving saving money!)

Of course, I am still single. Obviously, if I get married, this will be a different issue. But I would like everyone's input on intentionally having a child alone. (Note--my child bearing years are ticking d-o-w-n--I only have a few years left in which to be able to have one--about 5--after that, we have a family history of gestational mortality for the mother.)

Anyone here done it and able to give your input also?

Thanks.

 

[Cheyenne]

"another" means you have at least one already? My answer is different depending on whether you are a mom already or not.

 

[Nicole]

I'm a single Mum of a five year old, but it wasn't intentionally, and there is no way I would do this by choice.

It's a hard job as a couple let alone as a Single Mother.

I really don't think anyone can answer that question but yourself, but I do wish you luck .... Think carefully please, think of the child too.

 

[rambling man]

as a parent I highly recommend that you do not. I have two, 8 and 4. I have also spent enough time with them alone, especially when little, toi know that being a single parent would be highly stressful. Having that support there is key, especially after a hard day of work when you are mentally and physically exhausted. Even if you both are, two heads are better than one. Children grow a sense for when their parents are weak and tired and can manipulate that. It does not make them bad, it just makes them skillfull.

I believe that children need both parents (assuming both parents are loving and competent) The mother is the loving compassionate one who fixes boo boos. The father is the enforcer who keeps the children in line and gives them the occasional reality check. Of course Mom can enforce the rules and dad can be compassionate, but the kids knowwhich parent more naturally does what.

If my mother had not remarried a good father figure who busted our asses when we got out of line, my brother and I would have run all over her and probably would have ended up in jail.

Imagine what life would be like in ten or eleven years ifyou had a rebellious boy, almost man sized, and no help from a father to keep him in line. Not saying it would definitely happen but it is always a possibility...

Good luck in whatever endeavor you choose, though. Having kids is the most important thing you will ever do and once you have them they define your life in so many great ways.

 

[BlondGirl]

Think carefully please, think of the child too.

I am already a single parent. I am looking at a time frame to begin trying in 3 years.

And since I am trying to save money, it is obvious that I am thinking of the child. I am a homeschooling conservative-voting single parent who is professionally employed full time outside the home. I know that in persuing this, I will be giving up certain "pleasures" in my life. My son has already proven that he is worth the loss of everything--and with him, I did lose everything when I was pregnant--it took 4 years to get back to the financial place I was at before (granted, I was not exactly living in the lap of luxury before or after!).

Any specific issues that any of you think of, please bring them up.

Thanks.

 

[BlondGirl]

Oh yeah--we are very actively involved in church and I have the support of my extended family already.

Is your opinion different if I were preganant due to unsuccessful-birth control? (As happened to me the last 2 times?)

 

[rambling man]

Don't take this personally, but when I got my second I realized the truth of it.

Bill Cosby said that if you only have one child, you are not a real parent. If a carton of milk is spilled on the floor, you know who did it, and if it says "Will you stop touching me?" you know it only has mental problems. With two kids it gets much more difficult. I take the aforementioned two children of mine alone on trips all of the time. It is very exhausting even though they are good. Sometimes it is like trying to nail Jello a wall to keep up with them.

 

[BlondGirl]

LOL--Who-done-it's?

My son will be 12 by then. It seems like a nonissue to me.

Any of you have a sibling born when you were a teenager? How was the experience for you?

(I do not intend to use my son for childcare unless that is what he wants also--I don't consider him easy forced labor...the harvesting-height lawn outside already has taught me that!!!!!!)

 

[Cheyenne]

Okay, then you already know how hard it is to be a single parent and you're making the decision from the best possible point of knowing the facts. Go for it, if you want another child and can afford it. Or, consider adopting a child who already needs a home?

I had the same decision to make about 10 years ago and decided against becoming a single mom, even though I could have easily afforded to do it. I based my decision on realizing how much work a child would be as a single mom, and not wanting to take on that responsibility. I didn't want my life to change that much from what it was already. I go where I want and do what I want, when I want to do it. None of that would be possible with a child. I also work long hours in my career, which has been necessary to be successful. That would not be fair to the child.

I also think having two parents is best for a child whenever possible. I looked at my own life and decided I would not have been as happy as a child if I'd had only mom and not dad, too.

 

[rambling man]

okay that is different. You look very very young to have a 12 yr old boy. I thought you were my age and I had mine at 18.

How would you go about satisfying your babylust? Artificial insemination? Ask a close male friend? Would you try to avoid complications with that father or include him in a way?

Who done its really suck.


And your 12 yr old can be a big help. It is not too much to ask to have him watch the kid every so often, but not regularly

 

[Andra_Jenny]

Many beautiful chinese girls would love a single mom. Any mom at all would do. Anyone contemplating saving and planning for a new life may wish to consider rescuing a current bright shining light from the living hell that will be thier reality in China.

It has worked for me!

 

[Angel]

Any of you have a sibling born when you were a teenager? How was the experience for you?

My little brother was born when I was 10, and my little sister was born when I was 18.

My little sister was a non-issue - I was already out of my mother's house and living on my own so her birth didn't really effect me much at all. (Aside from the fact that I adore her a whole hell of alot more than my snotty brother lol)

My brother was a pain in the ass from the get go, mainly because my mom forgot I exsited after he was born, forced me at ages 14, 15 and 16 to stay home, and not go out with friends so he had someone to play with. I was expected to play with him and like it. My mom didn't understand the age issues - I had friends with kids his age (Granted they were a year or two older than me) and playing with him wasn't my thing.

I think if you handle it a little better than my mother, you'd be fine.

 

[Samuari]

I have an opinion, but I'm not sure that It counts. You see, I've never tried to be a single parent. I have had some sucess being part of a team that has raised three sucessful (so far) daughters. I can't imagine trying to do it alone. You and everyother single aprent that is slugging it out everyday has my utmost respect.

So I'l stick those parts of the issues that I do know about. Two children are three times the work of one, mostly because you are dealing with kids at diferent stages of development.

You are talking about having to deal with kids in two of the most difficult transistions simultanously, Your son will be dealing with hormonal surges of adolessnce at the same time that you will bonding with a new person in your life. Your son will need much more atention at that time then he does now at 9 (?). I just don't think that would advise anyone to intentually set up that kind of situation. It will hard enough to bring your son through without the complication of a new baby.

The very best of luck whatever your desision.

 

[Texan]

I have a blended family.

I have a 20-year-old son, by previous marriage.
I have 18 & 17 year-old step sons.
My wife and I have an 8-year-old son.

I have been a single parent (oldest son lived with me) as well as, part of a parenting team. There is a HUGE difference.

I just wanted to point out that your 9-year-old son still has some very difficult years in front of him. From 13 through 16 (approximately) are very difficult on a boy and his parents. My 8-year-old is a perfect child, but then again, my other boys were wonderful at that age. When boys start going through their early teen years, there are stresses between parent and child that affect all other areas of the parent's life.

My oldest was 12 when our youngest was born. I cannot imagine going through the last 8 years without a wife to handle the little one while I was dealing with the older boys (and vice/versa).

Right now, the experience you have with your 9-year-old son might make you think it would not be too much trouble to also have a little one to take care of. If you have another baby right now, you might actually enjoy the next three for four years. But imagine when you have a teen-ager and a baby at the same time. When the 14-year-old gets picked up by police for curfew violation (I live in Harris County too) and you have to take your two-year-old with you to the courthouse at 1:00am to pick him up. Or when your 15-year-old starts thinking you are "stupid", "old fashioned" and "out-of-touch", and chooses to express himself in front of your 3-year-old. Or when your 16-year-old starts to drive (in Houston!) and has a fender bender that requires you to put your 4-year-old in his car seat and take him to the accident scene. Imagine your 17-year-old being the "older brother" who thinks his 5-year-old little brother is old enough to hear about the facts of life, or maybe even see pictures.

When you have an older child at the same time you have a little one, you will have stresses that take some of the fun out of raising the little one.

Finally, my philosophical perspective. We have children for about 18 years, then they continue to live for another 60 years or so. Unless we have the ability to make their childhoods something very special, something that will prepare them for the next 60 years, we should not have them intentionally. It is selfish for anyone (not necessarily you) to have children for how it makes US feel. We should only "intentionally" have children if we KNOW we can give them excellent lives.

I speak from my own experiences, some of them good, some not.

 

[teresafannin]

I was a single parent for the first five years of my son's life, was married to his step-dad from the time he was 5-14 & then single the last 3 years of his life. It was a lot of work, but he was totally worth it. I didn't set out to be a single mom, but I couldn't give him up. His birth father was out of the picture & still has never contacted me, even after Justin died. The years from 12-15 seem to be very difficult for kids, my son & his friends all went through a rough time. I am curious as to how you work full time outside the home & still homeschool your son. I know a lot of people who home school, but at least one parent is home. I admire you for taking the time to think about such a big decision. Good luck to you.