Similes

[TarnishedPenny]

Okay, a new challenge. Good writing involves good descriptions. Given that and the fact that this in fact an erotica site, what are some solid, smoking-hot similes? Points for humour.

I’ll start off with a couple:

As awkward as finding fur-lined handcuffs in your grandmother’s bedside table.

and

As harried as an intimacy coordinator in a porn studio.

 

[AG31]

As awkward as finding fur-lined handcuffs in your grandmother’s bedside table.

That would be pretty awkward.

 

[FrancesScott]

As stiff as a board, who is pleased to see you.

 

[FrancesScott]

As innocent as a lamb, in Catholic school uniform, sucking a lollipop.

 

[FrancesScott]

As busy as a beaver, running a train.

 

[FrancesScott]

As dry as a Tuareg’s boner.

 

[12oclocktales]

Feeling as miserable as the guy who went to a hooker and was told to forget it, she had a headache.

 

[TheRedChamber]

"We've done a lot of extreme things over the years, but this? I don't know. It doesn't feel right. It feels off. Makes me uncomfortable."

"Pah! Me charging the PS5 controller through the USB port on the XBox makes you feel uncomfortable."

"Right. It's going to be exactly that feeling all the way through. It's just not natural!"

I've always wanted to include these lines in my nerd couple stories but have never come up with an act depraved enough.

 

[SimonDoom]

I used this one in my Mickey Spillane BTB spoof, BTB Incorporated:

"My respect for him, low already, disappeared like steam over bad coffee."

 

[Mastered_again]

...which made as much sense as Ozzy Osbourne narrating an audio book

 

[NotWise]

I often avoid similes because they can be culturally specific and easily misunderstood, but I used this in 1940's-style dialog in Oscar's Place.

Trish laughed, “Don't give me that! Of course, he's your guy. You two want each other like peanut butter wants jelly.”

 

[filthytrancendence]

My brain always parses that word as smiles. I don't know why.

As awkward as reading through this thread trying to understand what it has to do with smiling.

 

[StillStunned]

The hotel pillow was as plump and soft as his mother's breasts, the mattress as hard as his father's glare that time he'd walked in on them.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Just one look at her made me feel like a Doctor Who enthusiast who's just heard about an estate sale full of late-1960s video recordings.

 

[onehitwanda]

Specific to my line of work, but I will often say a system is "up and down like a 5 dollar whore at Mardi Gras"

 

[StillStunned]

Specific to my line of work, but I will often say a system is "up and down like a 5 dollar whore at Mardi Gras"

Nice, but nothing beats "up and down like the Assyrian Empire" from The Life of Brian.

 

[StillStunned]

From one of my sword & sorcery stories:

Decorative trees and shrubs stirred gently in the cold night air. An owl hooted, and somewhere in the undergrowth a small creature rustled. The sky above was clear and black, stars scattered across the heavens like... well, like stars in a clear night sky. The man grinned to himself. What's the point of flowery descriptions if I'm the only one to appreciate them?

 

[pink_silk_glove]

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Here's my contribution.

"I'd never seen a guy go soft so fast, like ice cream in a microwave on level ten."