*sigh*

[Sallad]

Here goes nothing.....

My SO and I have recently started experimenting in a bit of BDSM. I'm the sub (are most subs women?) I'm really new to this and looking for some genuine advice and pointers.

I'm not into some of the more "extreme" stuff. I like having my hair pulled and my ass slapped and I enjoy him being just a little rough with me. I must say, the little bit we've dabbled in so far as left me horny all the time. The little sting on my ass the morning after when I sit down gets me aroused all over again (I guess that's the point). I have to be very careful what we do and how we do it, simply for the fact that I've been in an abusive relationship before and I really would rather not have some sort of flashback or panic attack. I trust this man completely, though, and I know he'd NEVER hurt me...

Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe I could get some advice from both ends of the spectrum. What should I expect from this? What are some good ideas for a new (and a little nervous) sub?

Thanks in advance,
DWP

 

[chris9]

Sounds you both have fun with this!

So here I go with some advice. Please note that I do not have much experience at all, and none with the effects of an abusive relationship on BDSM.
First thing, we have a library. I'm almost sure that you'll find something on how others have dealt with abusive relationships and BDSM. You'll also find some safety tips, like have a safe word (or two, one meaning go slower, one stopping all action immediatly), have him check on tied body parts to make sure they stay warm and have enough blood...

I'd imagine if you go very slow, don't rush anything, TALK after each and every session (not RIGHT after, but a day or two, so you both had time to think about what you liked and what you didn't like and such).
Make sure you TALK about your limits (both of you sure have some), make sure you TALK about limits again some time later, they might change, TALK about everything you feel, might want to experiment, would rather not do at the moment...
So, to summarize: COMMUNICATE!!!

Enjoy your journey, have fun!

 

[RJMasters]

Here goes nothing.....

My SO and I have recently started experimenting in a bit of BDSM. I'm the sub (are most subs women?) I'm really new to this and looking for some genuine advice and pointers.

I'm not into some of the more "extreme" stuff. I like having my hair pulled and my ass slapped and I enjoy him being just a little rough with me. I must say, the little bit we've dabbled in so far as left me horny all the time. The little sting on my ass the morning after when I sit down gets me aroused all over again (I guess that's the point). I have to be very careful what we do and how we do it, simply for the fact that I've been in an abusive relationship before and I really would rather not have some sort of flashback or panic attack. I trust this man completely, though, and I know he'd NEVER hurt me...

Anyway, I was just hoping that maybe I could get some advice from both ends of the spectrum. What should I expect from this? What are some good ideas for a new (and a little nervous) sub?

Thanks in advance,
DWP

Get a piece of paper.

List your fears and things you deffinately are not willing to do.

On the back, begin by writing a letter to your SO sharing what you have liked so far, and share the positive things you get both inwardly and outwardly in what you two have been doing together so far.

this will help to organize your thoughts and prepare you for what needs to come.

Communication.

You make it clear this man cares for you and you for him. you seem a bit hesitant in accepting the submissive label...my advice is don't get hung up on it or any stigmas that you may or he may have attached to the term. The reality is you "are" or "feel" submissive to him or you don't. Or you may have a level of submission you are comfortable with. The point is, be honest with him.

It is hoped that as you are honest and share, he will also. Then you both will know what the other is at least thinking and feeling.

If he knows you are afraid of your past surfacing, then he will be there for you "if" it does. His understanding will be at the ready concerning it, and he will be better prepared to help you face it. Knowing in advance will also help him in trying to avoid it if at all possible.

There is no full proof plan here and there is always risk within any relationship. Much depends on trust, and a large part of trust comes from open communication. As long as you both enjoy each other and care for one another's happiness and well being, then as long as communication is flowing steadily, you got a good chance at some wonderful times ahead together.

Good luck.

 

[bad kitty]

Safe words are a must

LOTS of discussions and deep conversations are a must hand in hand with complete and total open honesty and trust.

There is a kinklist somewhere in the sticky that is wonderful, like 8 pages worth of ideas and you rate them by varying degrees.

 

[Sallad]

Thank you so much for your input!
I've got to say that, so far, it sounds like he and I are doing this right. We talk about it a lot, but there are certain things you mentioned that we have not discussed and I'm sure we should.

He's very much aware of my past because of issues we've had before where it has resurfaced. But our relationship has grown and changed so much that I'm hoping it won't be a problem anymore (he and I have been together for 5 years).

Thank you all again, and I'm still open to any advice anyone wants to give.

 

[Sybarist]

I'm still new too!!

The two biggest things I have picked up from great folks in here are:

1) Communicate, communicate, communicate!! The absolute most important thing to remember!

2) Whatever works for you as a couple is normal for you as a couple. If you are aware of the fact that the BDSM experience is not the same for anyone else then it takes away some of the anxiety you feel about "fitting in" when you are first starting out.

And to this I will add:

3) Read all you can. (I've been slogging through that library for ages and I'm STILL not done!!) Since you are the sub, you are responsible for knowing your limits more than your SO is, so it's important to educate yourself as much as possible.

4) Take the time to do it right. I find there are times that my desire for this kind of stuff ebbs and flows, and I know that if he pushed me to keep at it during the times I am content without it then he'd have a major rebellion on his hands!! (Of course this was my idea originally so this phenomenon may be sort of a control thing, I do seem to be taking on more of a switch mindset as we progress. )

Good luck with your journey!!
Syb.

 

[rimmy]

Thank you so much for your input!
I've got to say that, so far, it sounds like he and I are doing this right. We talk about it a lot, but there are certain things you mentioned that we have not discussed and I'm sure we should.

He's very much aware of my past because of issues we've had before where it has resurfaced. But our relationship has grown and changed so much that I'm hoping it won't be a problem anymore (he and I have been together for 5 years).

Thank you all again, and I'm still open to any advice anyone wants to give.

Looks like you already got some good advice.

 

[Sallad]

Looks like you already got some good advice.

's for rimmy and syb. Thank you both.