Shyness or Embarrassment...

[PreggoHottie]

How did you get past this when you were first starting out?

I am finding it very hard to vocalize my desires or what I want, because I think I sound like an idiot while doing so. I'm a fairly shy person in my day to day life, but I know I can't be in this situation if I want to be happy. i know a lot of it is fear...(because I don't want the other person to think I'm an idiot..) What I don't know is how to work through it.

Any and all advice would be much appreciated.

 

[Andraste]

How did you get past this when you were first starting out?

I am finding it very hard to vocalize my desires or what I want, because I think I sound like an idiot while doing so. I'm a fairly shy person in my day to day life, but I know I can't be in this situation if I want to be happy. i know a lot of it is fear...(because I don't want the other person to think I'm an idiot..) What I don't know is how to work through it.

Any and all advice would be much appreciated.

why not start out by writing notes?

i'm not a talker either...but a nice "i want you to rape me" note across the dinner table is often welcomed.

 

[minx1]

How did you get past this when you were first starting out?

I am finding it very hard to vocalize my desires or what I want, because I think I sound like an idiot while doing so. I'm a fairly shy person in my day to day life, but I know I can't be in this situation if I want to be happy. i know a lot of it is fear...(because I don't want the other person to think I'm an idiot..) What I don't know is how to work through it.

Any and all advice would be much appreciated.

*grin* as you've probably seen from my PM I can really wax lyrical lol, but that wasn't always the case.
I was really shy at first and still am to a degree, but it does become easier with time to vocalise what you want and what your desires are.
Follow your Masters lead and let him guide you.
When we started out there were times when I just had to say to him that I was sorry but I was struggling to know what to say or describe my feelings and he would say on those occassions to relax and let him talk and guide. As your trust grows and your relationship develops and finds its own footing you will find it easier I am sure

*laugh* We laughed about this today after we spoke on the phone. Later I said to Him that I admire Him because He always talks so much sense and seems to know instictively what to say. I on the otherhand come across asa blabbering idiot....but at the end of the day, I'm His blabbering idiot and He loves me for it.

 

[PreggoHottie]

why not start out by writing notes?

i'm not a talker either...but a nice "i want you to rape me" note across the dinner table is often welcomed.

See, I could say that no problem... It's the deeper, more meaningful stuff that makes me choke.


Thank you so much, minx.

 

[Andraste]

See, I could say that no problem... It's the deeper, more meaningful stuff that makes me choke.


Thank you so much, minx.

i've written deep & meaningful in long letters...it's easier when i know i've got a chance to edit my thoughts & words, so that i get it out without stumbling.

i really can't vocalise the deep stuff.

 

[subtleone]

If he's a reader then why not find stories that illustrate your desires and ask him to read them. If he likes what he reads and tells you then you can expand on his comments, if he doesn't like what he reads then at least you'll know before you ask and then wont feel so embarrassed. Good luck

 

[Literotti]

Shyness and Embarsassment

Please do not fall into the trap of feeling shy or embarrassed, for you will only defeat yourself and what it is that you wish to accomplish.

Do not be set back by what others say. If you express your innermost feelings and needs to your sig other, it will be then up to him/her. Your are, first and foremost, a person with needs, be they sexual or social...or both. If your partner is not willing to recognize these needs, then you both have much to discuss about your relationship.

A pairing of two (or more) people requires ultimate communication in order to have the desired results. Depending upon what you are looking for in ANY RELATIONSHIP, you need to be honest about your feelings, needs and desires, in order to assure the best results.

What do you have to loose by expressing your needs and desires? Nothing, really. What do you you have to gain? A realization that what you desire is something that you need currently. What you need presently does not define what or who you are, but it does help to centralize and quantify some unresolved issues that will never be resolved until you face them.

Life will only be satisfying when you come to the realization of who you are and what you want.

 

[minx1]

i've written deep & meaningful in long letters...it's easier when i know i've got a chance to edit my thoughts & words, so that i get it out without stumbling.

i really can't vocalise the deep stuff.

Yeah I always find that if there is something kinda big that I wantto say or complicated I express myself better by writing it....otherwise i blurt and it all comes out a jumbled mess!

The thing to remember is PH that he will appreciate any effort you make, particularly if you share with him that you don't find it easy. I know half the time with my M its not actually what I've said or done that gives Him the most pleasure....its how much I've pushed myself to do it

 

[Andraste]

Please do not fall into the trap of feeling shy or embarrassed, for you will only defeat yourself and what it is that you wish to accomplish.

Do not be set back by what others say. If you express your innermost feelings and needs to your sig other, it will be then up to him/her. Your are, first and foremost, a person with needs, be they sexual or social...or both. If your partner is not willing to recognize these needs, then you both have much to discuss about your relationship.

A pairing of two (or more) people requires ultimate communication in order to have the desired results. Depending upon what you are looking for in ANY RELATIONSHIP, you need to be honest about your feelings, needs and desires, in order to assure the best results.

What do you have to loose by expressing your needs and desires? Nothing, really. What do you you have to gain? A realization that what you desire is something that you need currently. What you need presently does not define what or who you are, but it does help to centralize and quantify some unresolved issues that will never be resolved until you face them.

Life will only be satisfying when you come to the realization of who you are and what you want.

knowing that and being able to do that are worlds apart.

"don't be shy" is too easy to say.

me, i can't speak about stuff.
pressure me, tell me a need to open up and express myself, and i'll lose the power of speach totally. mute for hours sometimes before my voice returns.

it's not as simple as just saying it for some people.

 

[lil_pooka]

It did get easier for me to share these things with him over time. Maybe that will be the case with you as well, but until then, write letters or emails, sometimes they're easier than face to face, keep a journal that your SO can read, and send them links to websites dealing with things you'd like to discuss.

 

[PreggoHottie]

knowing that and being able to do that are worlds apart.

"don't be shy" is too easy to say.

me, i can't speak about stuff.
pressure me, tell me a need to open up and express myself, and i'll lose the power of speach totally. mute for hours sometimes before my voice returns.

it's not as simple as just saying it for some people.

That's my problem. I don't WANT to be shy. I'm not trying to play coy or innocent. It's just how I am. I feel like I have kept all of this bottled up for so long, that I don't know how to get it out. I was always told that "good girls," or "real women," don't feel the way I do, and that's hard to get past for me.

ACK..I know I'm in blabbering idiot mode...so i'll shut up now.

 

[Andraste]

That's my problem. I don't WANT to be shy. I'm not trying to play coy or innocent. It's just how I am. I feel like I have kept all of this bottled up for so long, that I don't know how to get it out. I was always told that "good girls," or "real women," don't feel the way I do, and that's hard to get past for me.

ACK..I know I'm in blabbering idiot mode...so i'll shut up now.

who says what real women should feel?

and when you get to the point of being able to tell him something face to face, it'll be all the more meaningful because you had to work so hard to get there.

 

[Literotti]

Do you want to get past it?

How did you get past this when you were first starting out?

I am finding it very hard to vocalize my desires or what I want, because I think I sound like an idiot while doing so. I'm a fairly shy person in my day to day life, but I know I can't be in this situation if I want to be happy. i know a lot of it is fear...(because I don't want the other person to think I'm an idiot..) What I don't know is how to work through it.

Any and all advice would be much appreciated.

We all sound like idiots in our own mind...because we are thinking about what we want in terms of what society will allow and what it will not allow.

If you feel that you want to recede into your vanilla life, and be happy with that, well...so be it. But if you want to get past that, then you have to be honest, not only with yourself but with your partner. Risk it.

 

[Andraste]

We all sound like idiots in our own mind...because we are thinking about what we want in terms of what society will allow and what it will not allow.

If you feel that you want to recede into your vanilla life, and be happy with that, well...so be it. But if you want to get past that, then you have to be honest, not only with yourself but with your partner. Risk it.

i thought this post was total crap.
just really had to say it.

if you can't open up instantly then settle for being 'nilla?

subs are human. with faults, quirks.
anyone who can't be patient and work through that doesn't deserve a sub.

just my opinion, obviously.

 

[PreggoHottie]

If you feel that you want to recede into your vanilla life, and be happy with that

If that's what i wanted, i wouldn't have made this post.

i do understand what you are saying though.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You could try doing a checklist, preferrably one that asks if you have tried something, if so how you scored it in terms of enjoyment, and whether it is something you want to explore or try...or if you have any talent in creative writing, you could write a couple of stories which feature things you would like to try. If he is anything like F, he will pick up on what seems to be tantalising to you in your writing and put those observations into action, or at least bring them into conversation between you both.

Catalina

 

[Andraste]

You could try doing a checklist, preferrably one that asks if you have tried something, if so how you scored it in terms of enjoyment, and whether it is something you want to explore or try...or if you have any talent in creative writing, you could write a couple of stories which feature things you would like to try. If he is anything like F, he will pick up on what seems to be tantalising to you in your writing and put those observations into action, or at least bring them into conversation between you both.

Catalina

and something like that is a great way to start the conversation!
...then you can bring it round to the things that are on your mind. because it's often the starting to talk that's the hardest part.
once the conversation is flowing it's easier to find words.

 

[JMohegan]

I once had a partner who was, initially, very shy.

To help her find the courage to talk about intimate issues, I would sit on the floor or the bed with my legs stretched out in front of me. She sat on my lap, facing away from me. We were like two "L"s, placed one on top of the other. We called it "Double-L time".

I wrapped my arms around her, which made her feel safe. I held her hands gently, which gave her the opportunity to absent-mindedly play with my fingers. But since she was not facing me directly, it was apparently easier for her to say things that she found embarrassing.

Except for whispering brief words of encouragement to her, this was not a time for me to speak. This was her time, and I loved it.

I was honored that she would trust me enough to open up in this way, and moved by the fact that she would do something so difficult for the sake of our relationship.

 

[Andraste]

jm, you made me "awwww" out loud!

that's really beautiful.

 

[PreggoHottie]

I once had a partner who was, initially, very shy.

To help her find the courage to talk about intimate issues, I would sit on the floor or the bed with my legs stretched out in front of me. She sat on my lap, facing away from me. We were like two "L"s, placed one on top of the other. We called it "Double-L time".

I wrapped my arms around her, which made her feel safe. I held her hands gently, which gave her the opportunity to absent-mindedly play with my fingers. But since she was not facing me directly, it was apparently easier for her to say things that she found embarrassing.

Except for whispering brief words of encouragement to her, this was not a time for me to speak. This was her time, and I loved it.

I was honored that she would trust me enough to open up in this way, and moved by the fact that she would do something so difficult for the sake of our relationship.

**wistful sigh** That sounds wonderful.

 

[CutieMouse]

Checklists are interesting conversation starters; going back over them to see how your perspective changes is interestng, as well.

Another thing that might help is sitting down and finding the language you are comfortable using to describe XYZ whatever. Crude language rarely passes my lips... which means the whole "porn-speak" vocabulary that most people are comfortable using when discussing sex, did [does] not work for me. I still struggle to discuss things of an intimate nature/express my desires on more than a philosophical or theoretical basis (I'm far more likely to write my thoughts down by email/letter, than speak them out loud), but it has helped to recognize that I can discuss various subjects and still respect my self-imposed "good girl" boundaries.

BTW, I've decided the "good girl" image thing is both a blessing and a curse. LOL

 

[lil_slave_rose]

How did you get past this when you were first starting out?

I am finding it very hard to vocalize my desires or what I want, because I think I sound like an idiot while doing so. I'm a fairly shy person in my day to day life, but I know I can't be in this situation if I want to be happy. i know a lot of it is fear...(because I don't want the other person to think I'm an idiot..) What I don't know is how to work through it.

Any and all advice would be much appreciated.

i've been with Master for 3 years, and i'm still shy when it comes to tellin Him what i want sexually. very much so. i'm not sure how to get over it, i wish i knew lol sorry i'm of no help

 

[PreggoHottie]

i've been with Master for 3 years, and i'm still shy when it comes to tellin Him what i want sexually. very much so. i'm not sure how to get over it, i wish i knew lol sorry i'm of no help

Actually that WAS a really big help, because it makes me feel a lot less alone struggling with this.

 

[SweetCherry]

i've written deep & meaningful in long letters...it's easier when i know i've got a chance to edit my thoughts & words, so that i get it out without stumbling.

i really can't vocalise the deep stuff.

*nods* Writing is so much easier. There are times when I'm just plain unable to speak what I feel. And even when I write it down, it comes out sounding somewhat rambling, but it lets me get everything out and She can know where my head is.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Actually that WAS a really big help, because it makes me feel a lot less alone struggling with this.

well i'm glad it was of some help. i know for me alot of times Master will pull what ever it is out of me just because He knows me so well, i'll start a sentence and then i'll say, i don't have the words..and USUALLY He can give me some words along the lines of what exactly i was trying to say. this has got to be so frustrating for Him..LOL ..but i also agree with alot of what others have said about writing it out. when there is really something i need to discuss with Him and just can't bring it up, i write in my journal and then send Him the link to let Him know i've written an entry....