Shying Away

[cherishedSonata]

Hey so I have been a lurker on lit for awhile now and I'm a switch that leans towards Domme but I'm having a lot of personal issues with the lifestyle because a really great friend of mine, who is also a submissive, is in a really bad place with a Dom.

The thing is that I know about her sexual tendencies and I accept her as everything she is and she is a beautiful girl, but she is settling for a dom that is old enough to be her father, is a third wheel and essentially a replacement for his fiancee, who couldn't move here for economic reasons. The thing is that I know that everyone has their own definition of submission and dominance, but he, for a training collar, is asking her to do things like pierce her clit, after 2 months of knowing her.

I love the lifestyle in my definition but what I'm seeing in her life is that she is being taken advantage of by a Dom and there is nothing I can do and the more and more I hear about her "romance" (which is supposed to be temporary) the more I am shying away from the lifestyle and I don't want that.

I've been thinking a lot about if being turned off by her experience makes me any less of a participant in D/s and I don't feel like it is. I just feel at a loss of what to do because I don't want to be her parent, I want to be her friend. She knows I feel hesitant towards him but I also don't want to pull away from the community. I suppose I just want to know if anyone has an advice? Thanks.

-R

 

[Loverskitten]

Unless he's doing things without her consent, all you can do is express your concerns to your friend and then drop it. Maybe tell her hearing these details makes you uncomfortable and unless she's in trouble, you don't need to know all about her sexual activities. People will make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons.

I get turned off by reading some of people's posts here. Some people share too much, in too much detail that it rubs my fur the wrong way. I often wonder why some feel the need to share every bit of their private life with a bunch of strangers. Sometimes, I just take a break from here or avoid their threads. Meh.

 

[DVS]

Yeah, while I don't get turned off by that many posts (I do get turned off by some of the more extreme ones ), I agree with Loverskitten that you can't force her to leave him.

I might agree with you that the clit piercing is a bit much, but I'm sure that if many of us agree with you, I'd guess that an equal number will disagree. And no matter what you or I say, if she wants to get her clit pierced, I assume she is an adult and legally able to make that choice. I'd guess we don't know the full story, but from what you've posted, it seems the old guy has the edge.

 

[Stella_Omega]

So she pierces her clit, (hood most likely) so what? She's going to love it for its own sake, long after Sir DomlyDom is gone.

Try to remember that YOU-- are not HER. Maybe the sexual "taking advantage" is exactly what she wants, not romance, or respect-- not every woman cares so much about the things most women think we ought to.

Food for thought? Maybe?

 

[theGM26]

DVS and Loverskitten are correct. 1) we do not know the full story, and 2) the only thing you can really do is communicate to her your concerns make sure she knows you are concerned for her.

 

[cherishedSonata]

Thank you all for your responses. Its nice to hear that I am not the only one that is put of by it a little. My concern is not that she is going to pierce her clit, if that was what she wanted on her own, or even if a more permanent dom who was actually invested in her asked her to do it. ITs part of the dynamic.

My greatest concern is that this is her first real D/s relationship and that she settled for him "because he was the least creepy guy that messaged her". He has told her that everything in their relationship is temporary, but he keeps giving her things like to get birth control because he doesn't want to wrap it up. She doesn't have insurance...doesn't matter though.

The longer it goes on the more I worry that shes doing all of this because she doesn't want to lose the one guy she thinks is the least creepy from a small tiny college town.

 

[Loverskitten]

Thank you all for your responses. Its nice to hear that I am not the only one that is put of by it a little. My concern is not that she is going to pierce her clit, if that was what she wanted on her own, or even if a more permanent dom who was actually invested in her asked her to do it. ITs part of the dynamic.

My greatest concern is that this is her first real D/s relationship and that she settled for him "because he was the least creepy guy that messaged her". He has told her that everything in their relationship is temporary, but he keeps giving her things like to get birth control because he doesn't want to wrap it up. She doesn't have insurance...doesn't matter though.

The longer it goes on the more I worry that shes doing all of this because she doesn't want to lose the one guy she thinks is the least creepy from a small tiny college town.

It's new, it's exciting to her, it'll wear off.

Again, express your concerns to her, make sure she understands consent is key. Tell her to request tests before she gets on birth control.

We've all dated people our friends don't like, nothing they said ever changed my mind.
I didn't like one of my friend's boyfriends. As soon as they broke up I spewed all the stuff I didn't like about him. The next day they were back together, doh!

You can even say, "I don't agree with this relationship and I really wouldn't like to hear anymore about it unless you're in trouble, ok. Let's go get a pedicure" that would work for me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

And she just might enjoy that clit piercing.

 

[luvnmyboys]

I think all you can really do is be a good friend. Listen, ask questions and express your concern without judgment. Are you positive she doesn't like this?

 

[Oubliette123]

I have a friend who knows about my lifestyle and has disliked every partner I have had, over a 20 year time span. My friend is male (and gay) and can be very possessive over me. I love him dearly, but his constant remarks and comments, normally of a derogatory nature about my love life wears me down. I am not comparing you to him, but just want to say how it feels from the other perspective.

The fact is, only my partner has ever seen the full kaleidoscope of who I am, my friends-all of them-see only parts of me.

Its tough when you see a friend acting in a certain way, or going through issues and all you want to do is help them through it, or even help them avoid it. BUT its likely you are seeing only parts of your friend. They must make their own decisions, and even if you think they are acting like a runaway train, its their life and journey to follow.

The danger is always that by trying to make them see things from your own perspective and not theirs is that you will push them away.

You obviously care deeply for your friend, and the best thing you can do for them is to be there when they need you

 

[Dyslexicea]

Could it be that you don't approve of your friends relationship because of your own feelings for her? Just a thought.

 

[cherishedSonata]

No, not at all, I kind of have my eye on someone else that I have known for a long while. Thank you for your thought though. I suppose the reason I'm really worried is that she is a lot like the church girl stereotype. As soon as she got to college she kind of flew off the handle. I supported her decision to explore her submissiveness , I thought it was a great outlet for her. Shes a really cool girl that was looking for something short term but just recently her Dom's fiancee broke up with him and as a return hes been pressuring her to enter into something long term which she really doesn't want.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

People typically 'want in' to everything that has or gains a reputation for being really fabulous.

After about the mid-Eighties, every greedy little kid and his uncle wanted to be 'a banker/economist/fund manager/hedge fund manager...'

Did that mean that any of them actually IS one? Well, they grabbed the title/s all right. But they are so far off ever being anything like the real deal the whole world will go to hell and back first before people stop giving all these idiots face. Literally, worldwide disaster that makes the public starve and die will have to PROVE they are all frauds before anybody does anything about it.

Same with 'the BDSM community.'

CS, if this girl respects you as a friend, MAYBE she'll take advice from you to some extent; maybe not though of course.

But you should absolutely not regard 'the BDSM community' as being any one single amorphous thing. I speculate to myself that it may have been at some point in the past, but it very distinctly is not anymore.

The single most abused term in what can loosely be covered by the BDSM world, is 'Dom.' I wouldn't second-guess you over whether you are jumping at shadows or not - I think what comes across to me is that you have a gut feel that the relationship is unsound for several good reasons. People these days are getting into all this stuff at deep ends without having very good understandings about the various psychological, emotional, and outright subtle elements.

It is TRES DIFFICULT to be a Dom/Domme. In reality. Too many think that 'subtle' is not a word that goes with 'Dom,' whereas it's the ONLY word that does in a human relationship that is going to work over any length of time.