Shy wanting to lead the shy

[surewise]

After reading many of the threads on this forum, i’m hoping that some other perspectives can help me…

I’ve been married for nearly eight years to the love of my life. I cannot picture myself with anyone else and the plan is to be together forever. It is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. We are both healthy, professionally and financially stable, stable/sane, usually on the same wavelength and have decent communication… except when it comes to sex.

We both come from very shy and late bloomer backgrounds. She was my second, and I her first, while we met in our early (me) and mid-thirties (her). First half of our marriage, everything was very vanilla and over time sex evaporated from our relationship. Half way through, I started exploring more and have found things that fall more on the kink side to be huge turn-ons. Nothing crazy, but certainly more than what we have right now.

I always had a crippling shyness about sex, and her background was similar (and also cultural, coming from a more conservative society)

The struggle has been to express it. Not only initiating, but the fear of changing how she feels and thinks about me. Our relationship, like in the bedroom, is essentially balanced. In the bedroom, I want her to have the power and be the center of attention. As it is now, once I cum, that is when things should be over. But that isn’t what I want. When I try to focus more on her, to get her to let go and enjoy, she resists.

I always thought that the first step in opening up communication would be my expressing how much I want to go down on her. But even this step I haven’t been able to discuss up to. She is shy and shirks away from conversation without addressing too much of why. Should I be explaining why I want to more? I know it is impossible for others to say without knowing all the details, but even starting a conversation towards what my desires are seems to always stall early.

I have so much in my mind that I want to express (but know not to overload…). I’m into CFNM, playing and stripping for her, worshipping at her feet and kissing and licking every part of her, going down on her, being denied release and finding out more of what will turn her on. Conversations of what turns her on usually involve her saying she isn’t that interested in sex. I want sex to be more than 20-30 minutes, a few times a year.

Early in our relationship, she mentioned that she found our timing together a little unfortunate because she wanted to have more fun and experience with other guys… well, this is certainly a fantasy of mine now (I don’t know where the line between fantasy and real life would be yet).

If any women can relate to my wife’s situation or any guys to mine, I would love some incite. My concerns are closing down conversation by making her uncomfortable, but at the same time I want to challenge and expand what we already have. I also want her to be more comfortable explaining why something makes her uncomfortable, or what she would be more comfortable to try.

Thank you for reading my essay

 

[surewise]

A little bump

 

[KinoKe]

Perhaps start by talking to your wife about the possibility of introducing a third to your sex life? It sounds as if she may have once been open to the idea. And perhaps you are now. It could at least lead to 'a conversation'.

And, if a third seems a step too far (at this stage), perhaps find another couple and start out with same-room sex. See where it leads to.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 5521640]

It sounds to me like she's bored with the sex life you two have. A couple things you said stand out to me. You said "everything was very vanilla." Vanilla sex can be great... to a point. But then it becomes stale, and then boredom.

Then you said "my expressing how much I want to go down on her. But even this step I haven’t been able to discuss." I'm taking this to mean you've never eaten your wife's pussy if you haven't been able to discuss it with her (correct me if I'm wrong). Here's my advice on this: EAT HER FUCKING PUSSY!!! Just do it, a la Nike! But don't dive right into it. Work your way to it. You said you want to worship at her feet. Show it! Show her that you're turned on by her body! You want to kiss and lick every part of her. Do it. Kiss every inch of her, leaving her pussy for last. Set her on fire. From what you've written I'm not getting that you've done that.

Then you said this: "As it is now, once I cum, that is when things should be over. But that isn’t what I want. When I try to focus more on her, to get her to let go and enjoy, she resists." Once you cum????? That's when you want to focus on her??? NO! NO! NO! You make her cum first! Make her cum several times if you can. Show her that she comes first (figuratively and literally).

To me, it seems that sex became a chore for her, and in turn it becomes boring. She wasn't getting what she wanted. I think that's why she may have said to try other guys. Women have needs. If we don't get them satisfied we either shut down or we look elsewhere. You have to light a fire under your ass and get shit done! If you can't voice it to her verbally, show it to her in the bedroom the next time the two of you have sex (I'm under the assumption the two of you still fuck periodically). Don't focus on all the extra shit you want. You've got to get the basics down first and it sounds like you haven't done that. Show her you love her. It's more than just words.

No guarantees, and I don't know if things are too far gone. I'm not a mind reader and don't know her view on it. But you're going to have to man up and do shit. It's ultimately up to you as to how you want to proceed. I wish you all the best!

After reading many of the threads on this forum, i’m hoping that some other perspectives can help me…

I’ve been married for nearly eight years to the love of my life. I cannot picture myself with anyone else and the plan is to be together forever. It is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. We are both healthy, professionally and financially stable, stable/sane, usually on the same wavelength and have decent communication… except when it comes to sex.

We both come from very shy and late bloomer backgrounds. She was my second, and I her first, while we met in our early (me) and mid-thirties (her). First half of our marriage, everything was very vanilla and over time sex evaporated from our relationship. Half way through, I started exploring more and have found things that fall more on the kink side to be huge turn-ons. Nothing crazy, but certainly more than what we have right now.

I always had a crippling shyness about sex, and her background was similar (and also cultural, coming from a more conservative society)

The struggle has been to express it. Not only initiating, but the fear of changing how she feels and thinks about me. Our relationship, like in the bedroom, is essentially balanced. In the bedroom, I want her to have the power and be the center of attention. As it is now, once I cum, that is when things should be over. But that isn’t what I want. When I try to focus more on her, to get her to let go and enjoy, she resists.

I always thought that the first step in opening up communication would be my expressing how much I want to go down on her. But even this step I haven’t been able to discuss up to. She is shy and shirks away from conversation without addressing too much of why. Should I be explaining why I want to more? I know it is impossible for others to say without knowing all the details, but even starting a conversation towards what my desires are seems to always stall early.

I have so much in my mind that I want to express (but know not to overload…). I’m into CFNM, playing and stripping for her, worshipping at her feet and kissing and licking every part of her, going down on her, being denied release and finding out more of what will turn her on. Conversations of what turns her on usually involve her saying she isn’t that interested in sex. I want sex to be more than 20-30 minutes, a few times a year.

Early in our relationship, she mentioned that she found our timing together a little unfortunate because she wanted to have more fun and experience with other guys… well, this is certainly a fantasy of mine now (I don’t know where the line between fantasy and real life would be yet).

If any women can relate to my wife’s situation or any guys to mine, I would love some incite. My concerns are closing down conversation by making her uncomfortable, but at the same time I want to challenge and expand what we already have. I also want her to be more comfortable explaining why something makes her uncomfortable, or what she would be more comfortable to try.

Thank you for reading my essay

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

PLEASE consider getting some help with your communications. Given the difficulty in even broaching the subject, it is highly unlikely that the two of you alone are going to be able to get to the places you'd both like to be.

 

[magicalmoments]

Not sure I'll help you with my advice but I did face a similar situation with my wife after several years of marriage. You need to face the possibility that addressing this issue may break the marriage. In my case it didn't but it was always on my mind that it would.
I began a concerted campaign to open her mind to new ideas, bedroom ideas that is, and getting her to open up and start expressing her true sexual feelings. Something neither of us had ever done before.
The first thing is Trust. She needs to know beyond any shadow of doubt whatsoever that if she does open up to you that you are not going to punish her, laugh at her, or treat her with any less respect. If she feels safe she will more likely open up.
You need to start finding out if she is being fulfilled with your sex life does she feel the same way you do? Do you even know if she cares about the way you feel? You need to start talking about your sexual dissatisfaction but in a way that makes it about her, fulfilling her needs. Not complaining, not threatening, not demanding, without laying down any expectations, but she has the right to know how you feel.
I remember at some stage of the process I talked to her about how I believed that a couple needed three things for a successful marriage. They needed to agree about the finances. They needed to agree on how the kids were to be raised, and they needed to have a sex life both were happy with. If they were not in complete accord on these 3 things the marriage would fail. It's always easy to talk about problems with the finances, It's always easy to talk about problems with the kids. It should be just as easy to talk about problems with the sex life, yet this is the one that we shy away from.
No matter what you do, you need to start the conversation and earlier is better than later

 

[ctarrantella]

It should be just as easy to talk about problems with the sex life, yet this is the one that we shy away from.
No matter what you do, you need to start the conversation and earlier is better than later

I’m experiencing this now. So true and yet so hard to do. And I have a wonderful marriage except for just those dry sex spells of two weeks or so. Because when we have sex, it’s great. So many of us are in the same situation I’ve realized.

 

[Kimlikes]

After reading many of the threads on this forum, i’m hoping that some other perspectives can help me…

I’ve been married for nearly eight years to the love of my life. I cannot picture myself with anyone else and the plan is to be together forever. It is by far the best relationship I have ever been in. We are both healthy, professionally and financially stable, stable/sane, usually on the same wavelength and have decent communication… except when it comes to sex.

We both come from very shy and late bloomer backgrounds. She was my second, and I her first, while we met in our early (me) and mid-thirties (her). First half of our marriage, everything was very vanilla and over time sex evaporated from our relationship. Half way through, I started exploring more and have found things that fall more on the kink side to be huge turn-ons. Nothing crazy, but certainly more than what we have right now.

I always had a crippling shyness about sex, and her background was similar (and also cultural, coming from a more conservative society)

The struggle has been to express it. Not only initiating, but the fear of changing how she feels and thinks about me. Our relationship, like in the bedroom, is essentially balanced. In the bedroom, I want her to have the power and be the center of attention. As it is now, once I cum, that is when things should be over. But that isn’t what I want. When I try to focus more on her, to get her to let go and enjoy, she resists.

I always thought that the first step in opening up communication would be my expressing how much I want to go down on her. But even this step I haven’t been able to discuss up to. She is shy and shirks away from conversation without addressing too much of why. Should I be explaining why I want to more? I know it is impossible for others to say without knowing all the details, but even starting a conversation towards what my desires are seems to always stall early.

I have so much in my mind that I want to express (but know not to overload…). I’m into CFNM, playing and stripping for her, worshipping at her feet and kissing and licking every part of her, going down on her, being denied release and finding out more of what will turn her on. Conversations of what turns her on usually involve her saying she isn’t that interested in sex. I want sex to be more than 20-30 minutes, a few times a year.

Early in our relationship, she mentioned that she found our timing together a little unfortunate because she wanted to have more fun and experience with other guys… well, this is certainly a fantasy of mine now (I don’t know where the line between fantasy and real life would be yet).

If any women can relate to my wife’s situation or any guys to mine, I would love some incite. My concerns are closing down conversation by making her uncomfortable, but at the same time I want to challenge and expand what we already have. I also want her to be more comfortable explaining why something makes her uncomfortable, or what she would be more comfortable to try.

Thank you for reading my essay

We started playing with others as a way to hold us together he was a player and after his 4 affair that I knew about I cheated on him and nearly destroyed us . I was a convent girl and very repressed but after we were open with each other he said he doubted if he could ever be monogamous and I told him I had always had a a thing for my best friend he add her and some drinks and we had our first FMF