Shread Me (Constructively) Please?

[RebeccaLeah]

Shred Me (Constructively) Please?

I know there are plot bunnies in prose, but poetry bunnies are nibbling my toes if they exsist.

Anything, anyone is willing to toss out to me. It's been so long that I'm not really sure what I'm striving for. My gratitude to everyone that reads.
Thank you.


Conditional Surrender

The thought of the fight lights your eyes.
You see what you crave,
What you want.
The capture already planned,
In the forefront of your mind.
You think to conquer,
Gain victory and plunder your winnings.

You wink and I flirt.
You tease and I am tempted.
You offer and I reach to take.

In one move you have me,
The game finished.
You have emerged the victor.

I bow out gracefully,
Awaiting your whims.
I know when to submit,
When to surrender.

You have won this.
You have won me.

I am yours,
To do with what you will.
A command performance,
Shaped by your desires,
Following your lead,
Until I get what I want.

Blink.
Reach for me.
I am already gone.

 

[Eluard]

I know there are plot bunnies in prose, but poetry bunnies are nibbling my toes if they exsist.

Anything, anyone is willing to toss out to me. It's been so long that I'm not really sure what I'm striving for. My gratitude to everyone that reads.
Thank you.


Conditional Surrender

The thought of the fight lights your eyes.
You see what you crave,
What you want.
The capture already planned,
In the forefront of your mind.
You think to conquer,
Gain victory and plunder your winnings.

You wink and I flirt.
You tease and I am tempted.
You offer and I reach to take.

In one move you have me,
The game finished.
You have emerged the victor.

I bow out gracefully,
Awaiting your whims.
I know when to submit,
When to surrender.

You have won this.
You have won me.

I am yours,
To do with what you will.
A command performance,
Shaped by your desires,
Following your lead,
Until I get what I want.

Blink.
Reach for me.
I am already gone.

OK I think the idea of the poem is good but I think it starts out with a line break/stanza structure that you abandon for something simpler as soon as the first stanza is done. I think that the first stanza needs to be rethought and made consistent with the rest. I also think that the word choice in the first stanza is not inspired, but is a bit leaden. 'Plunder' is bad (if you already have it you can't plunder it), as is 'forefront', they weigh down the poem. You also have an excess of 'and's. So can I suggest the following for the first stanza:

The thought of the fight
Lights your eyes.
You see what you desire,
What you want.
The capture already planned,
In the abyss of your mind.
You think to conquer,
Gain victory
You think to
Ravish your winnings.

Personally I don't like all the winking and flirting that comes next, but that is embedded in the structure of your poem: change that and it will be a different work.

Anyway, for what it is worth, that is my suggestion.

HTH

 

[RebeccaLeah]

OK I think the idea of the poem is good but I think it starts out with a line break/stanza structure that you abandon for something simpler as soon as the first stanza is done. I think that the first stanza needs to be rethought and made consistent with the rest. I also think that the word choice in the first stanza is not inspired, but is a bit leaden. 'Plunder' is bad (if you already have it you can't plunder it), as is 'forefront', they weigh down the poem. You also have an excess of 'and's. So can I suggest the following for the first stanza:

The thought of the fight
Lights your eyes.
You see what you desire,
What you want.
The capture already planned,
In the abyss of your mind.
You think to conquer,
Gain victory
You think to
Ravish your winnings.

Personally I don't like all the winking and flirting that comes next, but that is embedded in the structure of your poem: change that and it will be a different work.

Anyway, for what it is worth, that is my suggestion.

HTH

Thank you! The breaks ended up where ever the thought changed which did leave them very very random. I see what you mean with the first stanza. I don't like using the same word multiple times, outside of purposeful repitition. Sometimes my vocabulary starts getting limited though, and the words end up not really fitting.
Thanks again.

 

[manipulatrix]

........

 

[miss_mystery]

RebeccaLeah,

Here's a couple of quick thoughts.

This piece is depressingly abstract; there isn't a single image with which a reader could identify. There is no smell, no taste, no touch, no sound, and there ain't nothing to look at. For a would-be poem, this is a wee bit of a problem.

It's also riddled with trite constructions and cliche (eg. 'conditional surrender', 'lights your eyes', 'bow out gracefully').

This is the hard part: because of the aforementioned, it's reeeeally boring, and not really a poem. It's more of a rough draft for the skeleton of a poem.
So, here's the constructive part: first, look at what you've got, and then try to hang some concrete images on it. For instance 'You wink and I flirt./You tease and I am tempted./You offer and I reach to take.' could be compared or built into something much richer. You could--oh, lemme see here--describe tango or salsa in electric language, and the reader would come away with exactly the impression that you want him to have with the line above, but it would be an experience with which he might identify.
Next, excise all the dead language from the poem, and stretch your brain trying to think up word combos that sound a little less stale.

Best of luck with it!