Showing, Telling, and Orgasms

[Penelope Street]

If you haven't already guessed, this thread's about showing, telling, and (yes!) orgasms, particularly how to make them bigger and better- literary ones, that is.

Many new writers struggle understanding the difference between showing and telling and experienced authors are hardly immune to the lure of telling. Of course, we could parrot any of the dozens of websites that seek to explain the difference, but what fun would that be?

Instead, we'd like to invite members to share their favorite orgasmic moments from posted stories. This forum being about discussion, members are also welcome to do just that- discuss which posted moments work best and, of course, which are telling and which are showing.

Oh- be sure and post a link so anyone hooked by your climax can find your story!

 

[sunandshadow]

One of my favorite little devices is where something 'bad' will happen if the character has an orgasm, so the character resists until they're so aroused that the 'badness' itself seems appealing. Examples of the bad thing would be that the orgasm completes a magic spell, causes a pregnancy, confirms that the character gives up their independence to submit to another character, admits that they desire the forbidden thing they have been denying to themself that they desire, etc.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Sun,

Thanks for stopping by. I can see the appeal of the type of erotic scene you describe since the orgasm would be an integral part of the plot rather than a gratuitous addition. Though not strictly related to showing and telling, I'd still be interested in reading one. Did you have a specific example you'd care to share?

 

[Penelope Street]

Special thanks to sunandshadow, mlady, Otto26, and Verdad, who were all brave enough to share a piece of their literary collection, giving us an interesting variety of scenes to discuss.

 

[sunandshadow]

I did not have a specific example, sorry, I'm terrible at remembering what I read where.

As for the showing vs. telling, I forgot to explain how it was relevant, didn't I? *doh* I meant to add that while showing is always important to create an immersive sensory experience, telling the character's thoughts and feelings is actually what makes it erotic.

Here's an example of a sex scene climax that I wrote:

He leaned forward and worked his last two inches into me until his balls rested against my skin and he was completely sheathed in me. His eyes were slitted and I could see his shoulders quivering with tension. “Yesss…” I hissed, letting him know he could move freely now. I exulted at the feeling of being filled, completed… when I dream about screwing this is the feeling I ache for, because my sleeping brain can’t fake it, it has to be the real thing. And this, I thought, as he withdrew and thrust back into me, this is definitely the real thing.

We found that oldest of rhythms, ancient as the ocean waves that cradled the first sparks of life – we found that cadence and we danced to it, hearts beating, hips rocking, breath coming in pants and gasps interspersed with musical moans. Flames of pleasure kindled in my groin and licked the inside of my skin, each thrust feeding the fire until it burned white-hot. I could feel the character at the base of my throat blazing sympathetically. The tension mounted, making me arch my spine like a strung bow, the muscles of my groin winding tighter and tighter until I had to cry out and clench my hands in the mattress beneath me.

“Deeper!” I begged. “Harder, please… I need…!” Then the spring wound too tightly snapped, the flames spilled over, and I found my shuddering release, unbearable tension ebbing away with each pulse. Tomo gave a strangled cry as my body gripped him, and he thrust hard, burying himself as deeply as possible in me, finding his own climax. The sweet, warm fluid flowed soothingly into me, a match to the puddle on my stomach. Tomo collapsed onto my chest, both of us limp and breathing raggedly.

As with my first example, the sex has to have meaning to the character to make it powerful for the reader. Here the meaning of the sex is that viewpoint character, who has been feeling isolated and overwhelmed, is comforted by feeling filled, feeling that he and his lover are partners and their lovemaking is part of the natural order of the universe, something good and right and fundamental, something to use as an anchor so he doesn't feel so overwhelmed any more.

 

[Pure]

interesting little climax scene there, sun. nice details and metaphors.

 

[Aishang]

I did not have a specific example, sorry, I'm terrible at remembering what I read where.

As for the showing vs. telling, I forgot to explain how it was relevant, didn't I? *doh* I meant to add that while showing is always important to create an immersive sensory experience, telling the character's thoughts and feelings is actually what makes it erotic.

Here's an example of a sex scene climax that I wrote:


As with my first example, the sex has to have meaning to the character to make it powerful for the reader. Here the meaning of the sex is that viewpoint character, who has been feeling isolated and overwhelmed, is comforted by feeling filled, feeling that he and his lover are partners and their lovemaking is part of the natural order of the universe, something good and right and fundamental, something to use as an anchor so he doesn't feel so overwhelmed any more.

Wow, DAMN! Beautiful.

 

[sunandshadow]

Thank you both.

 

[Otto26]

I aim to use just enough information to get my point across, and no more. If I do this, then the reader's imagination will fill in any blank spots and their reading experience will be rich and unique. When I don't do this then the story becomes pedantic or confusing or both.

In general it is best to avoid mechanics because that's boring. No matter how you slice it or dice it the physical activity of sex boils down to a few basic activities. What makes it interesting is context and the way the characters feel. Just as in real life, stimulate the mind and the body will follow.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Sun,

That is a good excerpt! Thanks for sharing it. I agree with Pure and Aishang, nice details and metaphors. Did you set the latter up earlier in the story- like maybe they are sailors? Color me ignorant, but I read this line twice and still didn't get it: I could feel the character at the base of my throat blazing sympathetically. I guess it doesn't really matter but, go figure, I thought the narrator was a woman until I got to the puddle on the tummy part. I was thinking, Puddle? What puddle? Oh!- that puddle.

My earlier comment about scope was meant to be an invitation for visitors to comment on anything even remotely related to the topic- I do hope you didn't take it any other way!

I'm going to differ just a little on this point: telling the character's thoughts and feelings is actually what makes it erotic. I usually find it more erotic if the author shows me the characters' expressions and lets me hear their words and allows me, maybe even forces me, to imagine what they are experiencing. For instance, in what manner would leaving off the "with tension" alter the following sentence: "His eyes were slitted and I could see his shoulders quivering with tension."?

And, totally off topic, where is Weird Harold when I need him? I think my punctuation must be off on that last sentence, but everything else I tried looked even goofier!

 

[sunandshadow]

Hi Sun,

That is a good excerpt! Thanks for sharing it. I agree with Pure and Aishang, nice details and metaphors. Did you set the latter up earlier in the story- like maybe they are sailors? Color me ignorant, but I read this line twice and still didn't get it: I could feel the character at the base of my throat blazing sympathetically. I guess it doesn't really matter but, go figure, I thought the narrator was a woman until I got to the puddle on the tummy part. I was thinking, Puddle? What puddle? Oh!- that puddle.

They're not sailors, the story is actually fanfiction for the anime Fushigi Yuugi, the people are 'celestial warriors' who each have a Chinese character somewhere on their body which glows when their emotions are stirred up. I probably should have just edited that line about the glowing character out to avoid confusion. It is at least obvious in context that both characters are male, and I described their appearances and the one's cologne earlier in the scene. Also I established earlier that the character narrating is an introspective artist who thinks of the world from an artistic/philosophical point of view.

I'm going to differ just a little on this point: telling the character's thoughts and feelings is actually what makes it erotic. I usually find it more erotic if the author shows me the characters' expressions and lets me hear their words and allows me, maybe even forces me, to imagine what they are experiencing. For instance, in what manner would leaving off the "with tension" alter the following sentence: "His eyes were slitted and I could see his shoulders quivering with tension."?

Different people have different opinions like that. Me, I'd rather have everything overdescribed than underdescribed.

 

[Penelope Street]

They're not sailors, the story is actually fanfiction for the anime Fushigi Yuugi, the people are 'celestial warriors' who each have a Chinese character somewhere on their body which glows when their emotions are stirred up. I probably should have just edited that line about the glowing character out to avoid confusion.

When I first read that flaming character sentence, I didn't know what to make of it- later I wondered if it was some kind of guy thing. Now that it makes sense- well done!

It is at least obvious in context that both characters are male, and I described their appearances and the one's cologne earlier in the scene.

It never crossed my mind that you had not established the characters before the scene. I meant it to be a compliment that your scene still works even when reading it from my biased perspective.

Different people have different opinions like that.

So true!

 

[Penelope Street]

I aim to use just enough information to get my point across, and no more. If I do this, then the reader's imagination will fill in any blank spots and their reading experience will be rich and unique. When I don't do this then the story becomes pedantic or confusing or both.

In general it is best to avoid mechanics because that's boring. No matter how you slice it or dice it the physical activity of sex boils down to a few basic activities. What makes it interesting is context and the way the characters feel. Just as in real life, stimulate the mind and the body will follow.

Looks as if you and I agree for the most part, though I'm unsure why adding more information should result in confusion?

 

[Penelope Street]

I guess I have to be brave too, don't I?

Ok. Here's mine, from "Lick Me There"
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=198763

"Nice, huh?" Ren said. "Now get ready for the ride of your life- and whatever happens, just let it."

Her tongue was still in motion a second later, but a different motion, bathing the upper reaches of my nether lips as her finger increased the pressure inside. All the while, her other hand eased the toy back and forth within my ass.

My thighs quivered, then sought to clamp Ren's head. Within my loins a strange tingling began. The next instant, it seemed, my bladder begged for release.

With lips already parted to protest, I recalled my lover's recent words, "whatever happens, let it." I closed my mouth and tried to relax. The sensation intensified. Clamping my eyes tight, I tried to pee, to no avail. I began to whimper, unsure what was happening.

Before the sounds of my whines had faded from my ears, Ren's tongue halted at the top of her stroke. She drew between her lips the entire upper union of my labia, clit included. The tingling exploded within my loins as she began to first roll, then suckle my tender nub within her mouth.

My eyes bolted open and my mouth with them. My brain intended to ask what she was doing, but my body had other ideas. Not a single word issued from my parted lips. Instead, I heard something much closer to a howl.

My trembling neck arched backward, mimicking a curve that ran the length of my spine. For a second, my body shuddered in that position. Eyelids fluttered over orbs I am certain must have been glazed. There was a moment, just a moment, of something close to pain- and then it was gone.

Muscles that had spasmed, now contracted. I felt my pussy grasp her finger, almost suckling it back while she continued to suckle my clit. My ass clamped down on the toy, bringing its movement to an instantaneous halt.

A half-second later, my muscles relaxed in unison. My body all but collapsed back onto the bed. Opening my mouth, I forced myself to inhale a much-needed breath.

Renee ceased sucking and resumed her gentle licking. Her finger began to move, this time petting rather than rubbing my aroused inner passage. The toy again slid within my ass. I lay there for several seconds, panting and staring at the ceiling. Then I felt it, a crisp spasm that jerked my thighs toward one another.

"More," I begged in a whisper.

 

[Otto26]

Looks as if you and I agree for the most part, though I'm unsure why adding more information should result in confusion?

If you give people too much information then they can lose track of essential information. People can remember, on average, seven things. If a sex scene demands that they remember more than that, then they get lost.

 

[Verdad]

Penny, your example shows there's no rule that would hold true in all cases.

I was just about to say I voted "show and tell", on the grounds of the emotional context in which the sex takes place being what's most erotic for me (pretty much like Sun and Otto said too) and pretty difficult to get across in all nuances without any telling.

Sun's excerpt was more along the lines of the showing/telling ratio I usually have in mind (delicious, too!) since I like some digging in characters' heads, but your excerpt--if we're not going with those cynics who'd say it's ultimately all telling--indeed relies entirely on showing, and not only is it hot, but we're not missing out on anything of what the narrator is feeling. Beautifully done.

So I guess it really all depends on the piece, on what the sex needs to get across within the whole, as well as on the level of closeness with the character, and the overall style.

The only thing I'd perhaps tentatively call a rule is that the question of showing vs. telling depends on who's having an orgasm--the viewpoint character or his/her partner. The partner's orgasm, short of occasional flashes of intuition and empathy that are best used sparingly, needs to be shown. With the protag's orgasm, more telling is allowed and, sometimes, even desirable.

Verdad

 

[Verdad]

With permission from my co-author, here's a bit different orgasm from a WIP. Possibly not to everyone's liking…

The needle was sharp and slid in effortlessly. He’d drawn just a bit of dope up into the dropper, not wanting her to get nauseous. The bulb felt alive between his fingers, like a woman’s nipple. He released it, and a little thread of Erica’s blood swirled up into the clear solution in the dropper. He watched it and she watched it too—her blood, doing just what he wanted it to. He tapped it, then tapped it again. Then he slowly squeezed.

"Ohhh…" she breathed. "Ohhhh…"

With a junkie’s empathy, Aiden felt it in his balls just as she did, the pleasure sweeping over her, the warm rush of chemical orgasm. Her nipples hardened beneath her thin top, reaching toward him in the flickering light of the candle as her head fell to the side, her lips parted. She squeezed her legs together with a shudder, and he wondered if she were really coming, the way he'd heard some women would.

"There you go, baby,” he said softly as he withdrew the needle and untied her arm. “You'll always remember your first."

Verdad

 

[Penelope Street]

If you give people too much information then they can lose track of essential information. People can remember, on average, seven things. If a sex scene demands that they remember more than that, then they get lost.

Got it- thanks! Now where's your scene?

 

[mlady]

lesbian show and tell

erotica gives us an idea of lesbian sex. as a woman who has had lesbian partners, here is my interpretation of its pleasures. if i may ... this is from a piece i wrote a while ago. its a fantasy based upon a reality. its about an X gf who's androgyny crossed deep into the masculine.

lesbian sex, versus "two women" having sex really is quite different. lesbian sex is about using the entire body, and not just hitting erogenous zones.
also not having to rely on the reliability of an erect penis has MANY advantages. she and i would say, ready for round one? and then from there, we would just go through as many "rounds" as our bodies would go to.

"...Her mouth is upon me and I react as instinct. Her hands upon me, reaching, groping, probing desiring. Clothes remain on our bodies entwined. On top of me, she grinds. Dry humps me with skill. A fist towards my orgasm which comes quickly. I roll her over and bring up my knee, I pound her with my hand to her crotch and I see that she is pleased. Getting under my waistband she inhales deeply to herself. How wet I am, how turned on I am, how SIMPLE, how quick, it is for me to cum. Her jeans are off. On my face, she sits, and I taste her so salty yet sweet. Her groans are not silenced, her needs not denied. I am with her, she wants me, and I want to comply. The lust that she has for me, never truly died. "Suck it, suck me off" and she grinds into my tongue. I am happy, I hum and I am won't stop until she is done ~round one}.

flips her body, her mouth on my sex devours my clit. My pearl, as she has called it, hardens to the tip. Fucked hard and fast by her fist, I moan out. Another orgasm is had and we both shout out.

~~round two}}:she turns me over, and my ass is slapped. Her groan tells me she has her strap*ON~It pushes deep into my tight ass. I breathe out, and breathe in the pleasure she needs. As she fucks me, my ass gets nice and red. She reaches around and grabs my swinging tits. Pulling on them, she bangs me as hard as she can. She screams an orgasm as I am fucked to my mercy.

My c**t now soaked and needing release, three fingers start pulling and stroking. Her eyes widen as she sees me, her hands dive into her c**t and she grinds on top of me. ~~~round three}}} her hand (o her hand) my hand, they are one. I pull her close once more and shudder as we cum. one person. sticky salty sweat.

Exhaustion is our only reason to stop. No embarrassment or shame either of us feels. We know what we have done, and there is nothing to regret..."


thanks for reading

 

[Penelope Street]

... but your excerpt--if we're not going with those cynics who'd say it's ultimately all telling--indeed relies entirely on showing, and not only is it hot, but we're not missing out on anything of what the narrator is feeling. Beautifully done.

Thank you. I think there is at least a little telling in mine too- though maybe our definitions differ. For instance, the sentence: "I began to whimper, unsure what was happening." Is it telling to say why she whimpers?

The only thing I'd perhaps tentatively call a rule is that the question of showing vs. telling depends on who's having an orgasm--the viewpoint character or his/her partner. The partner's orgasm, short of occasional flashes of intuition and empathy that are best used sparingly, needs to be shown. With the protag's orgasm, more telling is allowed and, sometimes, even desirable.

Good point! Now I wish I'd picked a scene in which both characters orgasm.

The needle was sharp and slid in effortlessly. He’d drawn just a bit of dope up into the dropper, not wanting her to get nauseous. The bulb felt alive between his fingers, like a woman’s nipple. He released it, and a little thread of Erica’s blood swirled up into the clear solution in the dropper. He watched it and she watched it too—her blood, doing just what he wanted it to. He tapped it, then tapped it again. Then he slowly squeezed.

"Ohhh…" she breathed. "Ohhhh…"

With a junkie’s empathy, Aiden felt it in his balls just as she did, the pleasure sweeping over her, the warm rush of chemical orgasm. Her nipples hardened beneath her thin top, reaching toward him in the flickering light of the candle as her head fell to the side, her lips parting. She squeezed her legs together with a shudder, and he wondered if she were really coming, the way he'd heard some women would.

"There you go, baby,” he said softly as he withdrew the needle and untied her arm. “You'll always remember your first."

Ooo... now that's wicked in a good way. Or is it good in a wicked way? Probably both! Whichever, it's good in the literary sense. You wanted to give me a scrunched nose, right?

One thing I didn't quite get- at that moment is he on drugs too, or is his excitement totally related to what he's doing to her? I think it's the latter and I'm sure it'd be clear in context, but with just this piece I couldn't quite be certain. Or maybe my confusion relates to this clause: "Aiden felt it in his balls just as she did". I'm not sure if as means when, in the manner, or maybe something else?

No matter what the meaning, it's still a powerful image- I already want him to get a couple needles right where it counts!

 

[Otto26]

Got it- thanks! Now where's your scene?

Which one? I freely admit I frequently fail to meet my own writing standards. Try this one on for size:

She ground her hips up into him with each slow thrust and Donovan felt his body trying to go faster. He kept it in check, however, and kept the pace, slowly doling out pleasure to her and to himself. He could feel every muscle in her body tensing when he drove into her, her flesh clung to his cock like wet silk and her lips were fastened to his neck. He pushed into her until he bottomed out and she whimpered, then he kept to the pace, rocking her body to rub her clitoris against his belly.

She took several gasping breaths as her body shook beneath him. He waited for a minute as she composed herself and then began to slowly pump into her. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him.

"More?" she whispered happily.

 

[sunandshadow]

With permission from my co-author, here's a bit different orgasm from a WIP. Possibly not to everyone's liking…

Verdad

I like the description of the injection and Erica's reactions, although some more description of what Aiden remembers the sensation feeling like would be nice.

Hmm, maybe I should invent some sort of science fictional or magical drug and put it in my next story.

 

[mlady]

let me think

i have read the posts in this thread. the following are the concepts that have struck me. and beg for further thought.

i like the strong visuals that each poem presents. some of the writers use ice chilling words. needle is a really strong, power image for someone like me, who is really afraid of them. but it is an interesting metaphor to orgasm.

the "romantic" orgasm is always a delight to read. whenever the writer uses phrases like "sheath" and "....yes ... and explains the exhaustion the lovers feel after the orgasm is a wonderful thing to see in your mind.

explaining the orgasm as if each second is lasting an hour, makes me feel as if i am right with the person. each sentence brings you closer and closer to the actual event, although, one wasn't quite sure when it was going to happen. nice work, that.

well good people. i am hoping that you will allow one who has not done too much critique to get her hands into the keyboard a bit more.

thanks for reading.

ML

 

[Verdad]

You wanted to give me a scrunched nose, right?

Goodness, no! I actually felt very self-conscious posting parable sex right after a piece of good, juicy real thing. Thanks for reading mine.

I already want him to get a couple needles right where it counts!

*L* I was afraid someone was going to say that!

But I know what you mean, of course. In the context of the novella, he's actually a sympathetic character, or so I believe, but judging from the excerpt alone, I would have said the same thing. All we see is a guy shooting up a girl for the first time, and that certainly doesn't smack of anything good however you cut it.

The image/symbol alone does possess a certain d/s dynamics that, for me, makes it erotically charged beyond "good" or "bad". I hope I'm not alone in feeling that potential.

Also, if anyone would care to comment, I am curious… Does it change anything that he's high too and that the girl wanted him to shoot her up? The deed remains reckless, but in the context of the piece, it's about intimacy—or surrogate intimacy, if you will—and about trust; her putting herself in his hands because it was the way in which she could be transported in his "space" and share it with him.

I can't share more excerpts at this point, so it's maybe pointless to ask (because you can't know how well it's getting across), but I'm curious because drugs are an issue on which people have strong opinions one way or the other. I know that with a junky character there's risk of alienating some readers a priori and regardless of nuances, yet I'm hoping there's audience who'd appreciate it as a human experience, such as it is.

"Aiden felt it in his balls just as she did". I'm not sure if as means when, in the manner, or maybe something else?

Pretty much as if it were sex, he's getting off on the pleasure he's giving her, as well as vicariously reliving the feeling he knows from his own (ongoing) experience, so it's supposed to mean "simultaneously with her" as well as "in the same manner". Is it any easier to understand now that you know he's high too?


And back to the main topic:

For instance, the sentence: "I began to whimper, unsure what was happening." Is it telling to say why she whimpers?

It is, and I'd immediately read your scene twice, paying attention exactly to how many instances of subtle telling like that there are inside it. Not because I have anything against them—it's precisely the "why" that never ceases to interest me, which is why I said that both telling and showing are needed—but your scene demonstrated with how remarkably little telling the job can be done.

Depending on the piece though, not all the why's can be shown, and now that I think of it, if even they could be, it'd still be a matter of economy where to use which.

There are times when it is better to say "He was too horny to think" and get on with the business, than develop elaborate images of horniness (or whatever else is in question) and demand that the reader decipher them, when the reader's attention would be better spent on some other detail.

Also, the question is connected with how much one wants to control the scene and how much is left to the reader, pretty much like Otto mentioned.

There are times, like in the scene you posted, when the power of images goes straight for the reader's, ahem, crotch and empathy and projection do the rest. (Mind you, that is not to say that a lot of the characters and their relationship didn't come through; that's just what made the scene so impressive.) In this case, the visual component is more controlled, and the emotional is more left for the reader to infer.

Other times, though, we're more deeply focused on a specific character, and want to understand more specifically what the sex means for that character, and that can't be entirely shown. In this case, the emotional component might need to be more controlled, and the visual might be left to the imagination more.

In other words, I guess in the first case the reader's involvement is more of the "How would I feel if someone did that to my private parts?" kind (plus the deciphering of the dynamics inherent in a sex act), and in the second it's more of the, say, "How would I feel if I got laid for the first time in 6 years?" kind—if that is what happens to the protag.

I do believe that showing comes first, though, and telling only gives accents and provides confirmation and added understanding of what the reader should be able to intuit by himself. But more than the ratio between the two, it's the discrepancy between the two that is truly problematic—occasions when the action intuitively means one thing, and the writer is trying to convince us it means some other.

A simple example of such discrepancies in sex scenes is when we're hearing how the character is having earth-shattering, soul-wrecking, spine-melting mega-orgasm, while the picture and the entire context provide little that would support it.

But now I've really blathered for too long…

Verdad

 

[Verdad]

I like the description of the injection and Erica's reactions, although some more description of what Aiden remembers the sensation feeling like would be nice.

Thanks Sun, and yes, I agree with you, and there is more, since previously in the scene he shoots up too. See my reply to Penny above.

Verdad