Should it be unconditional? What are YOUR deal breakers?

[FurryFury]

So you've been looking for your perfect PYL or pyl. You put ads on various sites, hang out at your local kink group when you get the chance, then you find who you think is THE ONE.

You are sooooo happy. You two seem to fit perfectly.

Until you find out what?

Is there anything you wouldn't or couldn't put up with, learn to adjust to for the right person?

Do you think ALL relationships are conditional.

Do you think ideally they should be?

 

[Chicklet]

I think all relationships are conditional. It just depends on what your conditions are, and what your personal flexibility is. I think that some people are probably flexible enough to deal with just about anything, as long as it's the RIGHT PERSON. But even requiring that the person be the right one is a condition, isn't it? You're not going to say "well, I'd rather do this, but since this person is ugly and unappealing to me on any level I'll flex it for Him/Her"

My personal dealbreakers are different from person to person. In the last few years I've found myself flexing a lot on things I thought would be important: Desire to have children, already existing children, most recently committed relationships (Only because we're doing a threesome... I still couldn't help someone cheat)

The reason I've started flexing on some of the things I used to think I'd require is that I've more or less relaxed on the long term possibilities... Instead of worrying about 10 years from now, I'm trying to enjoy the present. I've launched into my last few flings and 'relationships' with the knowledge that it's the here and now that I should worry about at this point in my life. In a few years maybe that'll change and I'll start eagerly seeking a life partner, but right now I'm content with people that want me, who I want, and the exciting experiences I'm having.

 

[FurryFury]

I think all relationships are conditional. It just depends on what your conditions are, and what your personal flexibility is. I think that some people are probably flexible enough to deal with just about anything, as long as it's the RIGHT PERSON. But even requiring that the person be the right one is a condition, isn't it? You're not going to say "well, I'd rather do this, but since this person is ugly and unappealing to me on any level I'll flex it for Him/Her"

My personal dealbreakers are different from person to person. In the last few years I've found myself flexing a lot on things I thought would be important: Desire to have children, already existing children, most recently committed relationships (Only because we're doing a threesome... I still couldn't help someone cheat)

The reason I've started flexing on some of the things I used to think I'd require is that I've more or less relaxed on the long term possibilities... Instead of worrying about 10 years from now, I'm trying to enjoy the present. I've launched into my last few flings and 'relationships' with the knowledge that it's the here and now that I should worry about at this point in my life. In a few years maybe that'll change and I'll start eagerly seeking a life partner, but right now I'm content with people that want me, who I want, and the exciting experiences I'm having.

Cricket,

Thanks for your post.

You sound pretty happy now! That makes me so happy for you!

*smiles*

When I was younger I had a LOT of no no's in my mind but I have found I get more flexible as I get older.

One reason why is that I've let go, mostly, of what society told me I should want or demand.

I've always been mad loyal once I've given my heart. Yes, there are some real deal breakers for me but they are few and farther between these days.

I'd like to believe I'd leave anyone abusive though I didn't before. Hopefully I would now. Other than that, there are not a lot of deal breakers for me personally I can think of. I've observed people who are in love and happy in all these situations.

One reason for this thread is that often I hear that someone will never find someone because . . . of whatever. I think these people are short changing themselves thinking that way. It makes me sad. I happen to think they can find someone and what they consider a deal breaker won't matter or can be worked out with the "right" person.

 

[serijules]

I couldn't answer this because I don't look for a relationship that combines a lover partnership with a BDSM one and never have. Thus, children, finances, etc...don't really come into play in the same way. Ma'am has children, it has no effect on me other than they annoy the crap out of me when they make huge messes that I feel obligated to clean up when I'm there so she doesn't have to deal with it. She's as broke as I am most of the time, and we just deal with it as we can. Health issues can come up at any time.

I dunno, it's all circumstantial to me. I've never been one to set "limits" regarding the people I interact with. There is a real story behind every face value. I prefer to make my decisions based on the real stories, but you kinda have to get to know someone on a pretty intimate level to do that.

Guess that answers that after all.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

The older (more mature?) I get, the more I am willing to compromise. One of the few deal breakers for me is smoking - I've never smoked and have dated one or two women who smoked and it was like kissing an ashtray (blech!). Things like political and religious affiliation shouldn't really matter except in cases where there is no ability to compromise or you can't agree to disagree.

I think most relationships are conditional in that, I won't like you if you don't like me. If you don't like me, why should I bother, eh?

I've learned that it is best not to prejudge someone based on some sort of bias that is usually wrong to begin with; I find that when I do that, I'm usually wrong.

 

[FurryFury]

Great post Serijules.

Thank you.

This thread is for everyone from all POV's.

Of course my own is likely showing a bit too much.

I enjoy reading your posts very much, not just in this thread either.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

I couldn't focus in on my answer because when I read the poll I kept thinking what is wrong with the elderly? I'll have to come back to this later.

 

[FurryFury]

The older (more mature?) I get, the more I am willing to compromise. One of the few deal breakers for me is smoking - I've never smoked and have dated one or two women who smoked and it was like kissing an ashtray (blech!). Things like political and religious affiliation shouldn't really matter except in cases where there is no ability to compromise or you can't agree to disagree.

I think most relationships are conditional in that, I won't like you if you don't like me. If you don't like me, why should I bother, eh?

I've learned that it is best not to prejudge someone based on some sort of bias that is usually wrong to begin with; I find that when I do that, I'm usually wrong.

That's true. I totally agree with you.

What I meant was getting to know someone and feeling that connection, then finding out something that was a deal breaker, not prejudging.

Several times when I was younger I found out the guy I was seeing had lied to me about his previous marital history and/or finances. At that time if you liked about anything to me at all and I found out that was pretty much done right there and right then.

Now, I'd want to know why. I might work past it or I might not. I don't like being lied to but I do understand fear keeping you from disclosing everything at the beginning of dating.

I tend to keep my veggie status to myself for quite a while with people when I first start hanging out with them because I know what sort of neg judgments that tends to reflexively lead to. I like people to get to know ME before I give him a pigeon hole to stuff me into and disregard my value as a person. Once they know me, it's not usually a problem or becomes one they can at least deal with.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think most sane relationships are conditional to begin with, and can move to unconditional if the person is the one you wish to make that commitment to. I don't see that as a condition because you have already established you have a relationship....if you don't like a person for whatever reason, and you are mature and sane, you are not going to enter a relationship with that person....it is a choice, not a condition. As time passes, and the relationship deepens, I think you get to a point where almost anything can be accepted on some level, worked with, at least in this type relationship....wouldn't work for me in a vanilla relationship.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

I think most sane relationships are conditional to begin with, and can move to unconditional if the person is the one you wish to make that commitment to. I don't see that as a condition because you have already established you have a relationship....if you don't like a person for whatever reason, and you are mature and sane, you are not going to enter a relationship with that person....it is a choice, not a condition. As time passes, and the relationship deepens, I think you get to a point where almost anything can be accepted on some level, worked with, at least in this type relationship....wouldn't work for me in a vanilla relationship.

Catalina

I agree with you there Cat!

Absolutely you want to find that person with whom you can have trust and attraction. Therefore if you didn't like a person you wouldn't even get started with them.

*nods muchly*

After you've committed it would be because you did find that level of trust and attraction which would likely open you up to more and more possibilities, thereby lowering number the deal breakers.

 

[serijules]

Further thinking...

It's funny when you really think about it, because Ma'am and I really have and had everything imaginably working against us. Most sane people would likely have said HELL NO at the concept of being involved.

Distance....my deafness (meaning unable to communicate by phone, the most obvious connection in long distance relationships), financial problems, my attachment to my elderly grandparents and my sense of responsibility to them versus her wishing me to be there with her, her other existing relationships and my not being poly, my having pets and being very attached to them, her allergic to pets...I could go on and on.

Yet here we are. Strong as ever.

Go figure

You make things work when they are really worth it. You just do.

 

[FurryFury]

I think that's beautiful!

*smiles*

 

[HottieMama]

Given the poll options i had to vote that none of those were deal breakers for me, however i can think of two off the top of my head that certainly make me pause when considering someone.

The first is religious beliefs...especially Christianity. i am basically an agnostic, and MOST of my beliefs/values are in direct opposition with any/all of the Christian religions. i find it hard to find common ground with the "devout believers."

The second is homophobia/intolerance of bisexuality. i AM NOT willing to be with someone who is a judgmental asshat about my relationships with women. (i phrase it like this because i have never had a female PYL.) i am also not willing to commit to a Dom who expects me to never be with a woman ever again. (That's why threesomes were invented.)

 

[FurryFury]

I couldn't focus in on my answer because when I read the poll I kept thinking what is wrong with the elderly? I'll have to come back to this later.

My point was that some might feel that due to their obligations as a care giver they'd have a hard time finding at Pyl or pyl.

I did not mean to imply that there is anything wrong with the elderly who, I find to be a rather wonderful group of people, not to mention a great audience.

 

[sexycaz22]

I could not really answer the question, Fury as I haven't been in a D/s relationship, but I would like to say something.

Whenever I am talking with 'vanilla' guys, and then it gets a little serious, I reveal something about myself, that I am deaf and then suddenly I find them backing off, and often blocking me on MSN.

However, so far, up to now, I have talked with Doms, and I tell them that I am deaf, they don't seem to mind that I am deaf, they are more interested in ME as a person, as a human being.

where almost anything can be accepted on some level, worked with, at least in this type relationship....wouldn't work for me in a vanilla relationship.

I do have to say that I agree with this statement, from my experiences.

But I will keep an eye on this thread, as I can see that it would make an interesting topic for people to talk about and more than certainly, it will give me food for thought!

So, thank you, Fury for this interesting topic!

 

[FurryFury]

Given the poll options i had to vote that none of those were deal breakers for me, however i can think of two off the top of my head that certainly make me pause when considering someone.

The first is religious beliefs...especially Christianity. i am basically an agnostic, and MOST of my beliefs/values are in direct opposition with any/all of the Christian religions. i find it hard to find common ground with the "devout believers."

The second is homophobia/intolerance of bisexuality. i AM NOT willing to be with someone who is a judgmental asshat about my relationships with women. (i phrase it like this because i have never had a female PYL.) i am also not willing to commit to a Dom who expects me to never be with a woman ever again. (That's why threesomes were invented.)

That makes sense to me.

I'd hate to be involved with any kind of zealot no matter what they were into.

I don't like it when people are not tolerate of Bi or homo or hetro sexualities. The only sexuality I have a problem with is asexuality. I don't understand that and would be worried for my kids if they decided that fit them.

 

[WriterDom]

Family members in al-Qaeda would be one.

 

[MistressCandela]

The one thing that is a complete dealbreaker for me is the inability to accept my current poly D/s relationship. If they cannot accept that then no matter how compatible all other aspects may be, it's just not gonna happen.

 

[Puman]

I have no hang ups at all with regard to age,finances, children etc etc etc. I can really only think of one deal breaker (and this would in all likelyhood happen after a relationship is already established)... a lack of complete honesty. My trust is given by default, but if I catch my PYL lying to me, then it's a case of "don't let the door hit you on the way out". It's something I just cannot get passed.

 

[CutieMouse]

I can't tolerate someone who is already in a relationship, and I'd not be overly fond of being part of a "Get a green card" plan, either. Everything else is workable, IMO.

 

[Ebonyfire]

In my not so humble opinion, there is no such thing as perfection. Human beings by their very nature are flawed.

After all, we are the only species that kills for fun.


In all things,

There is negotiation.

There is compromise.

There is loss.

There is discovery.

Shit happens, and in the end you have to accept what is or move on.

 

[PrimalGirl]

If you find someone (who is PERFECT) as stated in the opening paragraph. You click..there's chemistry. You do whatever it takes. Of course, that is in a "perfect" world. But yes...if I found a "perfect" PYL in a perfect world, of course I would, however the world is not a perfect place...SIGH...

 

[His_pita]

I think relationships are conditional. There are plenty of things that would be complete deal breakers. And if there is a deal breaker that means the person wasn't the one for me in the first place.

 

[denalirayne]

funny, what i thought would be a deal-breaker (nearly ALL of the ones on your list plus "has a criminal record") and yet the longer i've been with someone the more i am willing to compromise (note: NOT "sacrifice") where my "point of no return" is.

i would think that would be true of anyone in love. i'd be willing to bet there are some people who would place bdsm on that list of deal-breakers, no? there, too, you may have a "NO!" that becomes a "m-a-y-b-e" over time. i can't imagine many who find the point of a finely sharpened blade erotic initially; i see it as more of an acquired taste.

 

[the_pet]

I selected other.

Cocain, heroine, meth, users need not apply. Sorry but i don't feel like i'm missing out on a good friend, partner, etc. because of being leary of this segment of the population when they have a needle stuck up their arm.




pet