Should I Tell Her?

[imemkay]

Sure, the probability is less, but there is still a chance, however slim.

To be honest, it seems to me like you posted this in hopes of hearing one of us say "hell yes, tell her you know she's been lying for decades". You asked our opinions, we've told you what we would do, but you keep coming up with reasons why we are wrong.

So, just tell her already.

 

[fire_breeze]

I would be very interested in hearing your easy counter-argument.

I've said, and I quote that it can be counter-argued easily, not easy counter-arguments, which many other posters and I have already done but here are some more.

I do know without a doubt that he is not my son. I am blood type O, my wife is blood type A. When our son was once hospitalized I found out that he is type B. It's impossible for me to be the father.

http://genetics.thetech.org/ask/ask181
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=8905
https://www.quora.com/Is-it-possible-to-have-a-B+-blood-type-if-my-parents-have-A+-and-0+
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK2268/
http://sandwalk.blogspot.ca/2007/02/genetics-of-abo-blood-types.html

I noticed that his blood type was listed as "B" on some of the first paperwork. I knew then what that meant.

Mistakes can happen and are you sure you read it correctly? Again, look at the above links.

My son looks a lot like his mom, but nothing like me. My first suspicions were from his hairline, hair growth patterns, and hair texture. None of those characteristics fit either my wife or me, and I know they are highly genetic. Over the years, his personality and facial features only made my suspicions grow. They also make family members drop jokes about our younger son coming from the milkman.

Seriously? You need counter arguments that not all children look like both parents? Your son looks like his mother!
http://genetics.thetech.org/ask-a-geneticist/infinite-combination-genotypes

https://baldingblog.com/2012/06/19/can-i-inherit-hair-texture-from-mom-and-balding-pattern-from-dad/
http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-...s/20050527/blame-male-pattern-baldness-on-mom
http://genetics.thetech.org/ask-a-geneticist/brown-eyed-parents-blue-eyed-kids
http://genetics.thetech.org/ask/ask332
http://genetics.thetech.org/ask/ask424
http://genetics.thetech.org/ask-a-geneticist/why-mendel-green-peas-are-recessive

Personality: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/under-the-influence/201307/do-genes-influence-personality
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2593100/

And there are much much more that explains the beauty of genetics and how genes, looks and personality.

Look. Your son may not be biologically yours. I am saying though, that you do not have irrefutable proof that he isn't and if you want to tell your wife (and from one of your posts, your daughter) be aware that your son may very well find out.

Are you ready for the repercussions? It's not going to be pretty whatever it is. Be prepared for it.

 

[Lied2]

Sure, the probability is less, but there is still a chance, however slim..

This is true, but it would mean that paternity tests are worthless.

 

[Lied2]

fire breeze, all you have done is to post links to a list of websites. I am still waiting to hear your easy counter argument.

 

[pplwatching]

The statistical probability that this happened because of a genetic mutation, a DNA mutation, is less than the probability of certainty I can get from a DNA paternity test.

The point is that low statistical probability does not mean impossible. The fact that it is non-zero means that it can happen to someone, somewhere.

1) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK2268/ Because the H antigen is the precursor of the ABO blood group antigens, if it is not produced, the ABO blood group antigens are also not produced. This can be misleading in paternity cases, a fact that has been exploited in soap opera story lines!

2) Baby switched at birth. I don't know about 30+ years ago, but 15+ years ago I thought that my kid's tags were not the best.

3) The testing lab may have switched or mis-documented results.

4) The testing lab may be wrong for one of you.

5) You or your wife have a defective gene that was repaired in your son.

...

n) Your wife had an affair.

Just pointing this out before you accuse your wife. There are other possibilities than infidelity, however low probability. Again, I don't know anything about your marriage. She may well have had an affair. Accusing her without acknowledging other possibilities first may devastate her if she takes pride in having stayed with you through thick and thin.

I don't think that I'm adding anything productive, but would like to again wish you and your wife the best. I'd also like to be the first to wish you a happy 35th.

 

[pplwatching]

This is true, but it would mean that paternity tests are worthless.

It means that paternity tests are not infallible, and yes may be wrong. No one wants to hear that though. People want concrete answers where there are none.

If your wife has never given you any reason not to trust her, or to suspect her, then I think it might be prudent to think long and hard about accusing her without acknowledging that there are other possibilities than infidelity.

 

[kristi108]

Tell her! You guys have been through a lot together, and you appear to have no animosity about it. And the two of you are committed to being together either way, so I don't see a reason not to. It seems like it would be something that sets her mind at ease and something that brings the two of you closer.

 

[legerdemer]

Is it just possible that your wife may have been coerced, or even raped, and was too embarrassed/shocked/ashamed to tell you? It's perhaps hard to believe but may be an alternative explanation for why she has not told you. This possibility brings up another can of worms, and would change the conversation and the way it is had.

The fact that it bothers you enough to ask the question to begin with suggests your question and how it rankles you won't go away. But the conversation - as tactfully delicate as it can possibly be - will still change things between you and your wife, no way around that.

I can't give advice - I don't feel qualified - but had to raise the issue.

Best luck either way...

 

[Lied2]

kristi and legerdemer,

I do not have any animosity about it. Sometimes I think the reason I never cheated is only because all the circumstances never fully aligned to let it happen. At times, the temptation was almost overwhelming. I can look back at those times and understand and forgive.

I am thinking I should tell her, because legerdemer is right, it does rankle me. That is exactly why I have asked the question. Every day I feel the lie that I am perpetuating, to the person who is everything to me, but I cannot stand the thought of hurting her, and so I am always debating if telling her is more hurtful or if forcing her to keep the secret is more hurtful.

Thank you for your thoughts. You and a few others have helped me identify the important points that had become jumbled like a mess in my head.

 

[UrbanBohemian]

Well clearly you want to tell her.

Look man, I'm going to be honest with you here. It might come off as harsh, as I tend to sometimes, but that's not my intention. It really sounds like you want us to talk you into telling her. I don't know why that is, maybe it's because you don't want to take full responsibility for making the decision, maybe it's because you don't have a lot of confidence in this situation, or one of a dozen other reasons, but this thread is screaming it loud and clear.

I'm not going to say whether I think you should or not. It's not my decision and I shouldn't get a vote. But what I will tell you is that you for sure don't know the whole story. Maybe it's worse than you're imagining and maybe it's not. Whatever the case it's clearly causing tension and the calculus here is whether or not bringing it up will cause more. She's clearly not being honest with you. Maybe she feels like she can't or maybe she just doesn't care to tell you the truth. Maybe she doesn't respect you as much as you thought. Maybe she thought it wouldn't do any good to confess and she should just put it behind her. I know I couldn't forgive something like this personally so maybe she thinks you wouldn't be able to either. You're going to have to consider all this before you make your decision.

But here's something that I don't think you've considered. She knows the kid's blood type as well as you do, right? And she knows that you had a chance to find out about it. So maybe she already suspects you know. I don't know what impact that might have on this but again, something to consider.

Whatever you decide to do it's just very apparent you want to do it. You made an account on a message board to ask strangers on the internet about it. It seems like you're going to do it but I can't tell the future. If I could I'd sell stock picks. But I can say it seems like you're going to do it and you obviously want to do it.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

This is really a complex situation. In your first post, you brought up the possibility that a family medical history might help your son; but in a later post, you suggest that you have no intention of ever telling your son. I would think that might be the only reason to bring it up. If not to help your son, and you're certain that your marriage is rock solid, why bother?

Let me promise you that it is not uncommon for children to accuse each other of being adopted, having other parents, or coming from Mars. It does not mean that your daughter has true doubts.

A couple of questions that have not been mentioned but are running through my mind are:
Is there a chance that, if you are not the biological father, this other man knows he has a child? Are you prepared for that man to expect a place in your child's life it things go that way? Is there a chance that the grief of such a discussion would warrant outside help and are you willing/ready to go there?

The one question that matters in this kind of situation is always, "Do you want to tell for the other person or for yourself?" There are a lot of options with this one. Just because your son's previous medical conditions have been resolved, does not mean that a health history might not benefit him later. If another man is involved and has moved on with his life just as your family has, this might never be possible. It really seems to me that your reason for telling your wife would be so that you could put this to rest in your own mind - but that would be no quick & easy process. In your mind, you're a hero. You were faithful despite.. You raised a child even though.. You kept this secret to preserve..
But making yourself the hero to your wife in this situation might be very hurtful to her because she, by default, becomes the villain. It doesn't sound like that's how you see her in your heart and so I would suggest that you find a way to heal from this without sharing the secret. You haven't said it, but you're angry and you're hurting.. And you're hoping that telling her would allow all that to heal. Really, you're the only one who can decide if there is another way to manage your grief.

 

[funwithdpp]

First, as your medical professional has told you, knowing the father's mental health history may be informative but it is not going to be diagnostic. Meaning you may get some idea of what type of problem he is experiencing and how severe it may turn out to be, but it won't tell you definitively if he schizophrenic or bi-polar, for example. The information might be useful but is not necessary to diagnosis or treatment.

Second, the conversation here has primarily been focused around telling your wife. Have you considered it means you will also have to tell your son? It's certainly going to open a can of worms for him about his biological father. Do you want him or your other children to know that their mother was unfaithful at some point in the marriage? If you do, then I really have to question your motives.

If your intent is to genuinely help your son here, and you feel this information is necessary, then I would suggest you bring it up with your wife in a manner similar to this. Make the adultery and the secret a non-issue. Tell her your son needs the mental health history of his father and you can't provide it. If she asks how or why you even know that tell her it is not important and has never mattered to you. You love her, have always done so, and want to be with her until the end. End of story. If she wants to explain later at some point, great. But you're going to have to decide how to share this information with your kids. Is it suddenly going to be that Johnny came from a sperm bank? That story is going to be hard to maintain if you have a daughter in med school. Even if you or your children ultimately don't care, how is your wife going to feel knowing that they know now? That changes a lot of relationship dynamics.

 

[Eilan]

Sounds like a job for Maury.