Should I or should I not...

[KristainSC]

A little background first, my husband developed Peyronies years ago, making an already very small penis even smaller. He has always had confidence issues but this was like the final nail for him, he has no desire and we haven’t been intimate in years. I’ve tried to make him feel comfortable with it but nothing I do or say makes him feel any better.

With the above said I have found myself thinking about other men and even women and am wracked with guilt for those thoughts, most of which led me to this site. So my question is, should I open up to him about this or should I not and try to push my feelings / desires aside and live with it as is?

- Krista

P.S. - I am being a bit vulnerable here and hoping this is a judgment free zone

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Having been extremely unhappy and unsatisfied in a marriage, I absolutely encourage you to talk to him about this. Just suppressing your desires and staying miserable is not okay. You deserve more than that.

Some questions:

Has he sought treatment? Is he able to be intimate with you at all? Is it painful for him to be aroused? Is he able to talk about it?

I cannot recommend having an affair. After 18 years in an unhappy relationship with zero intimacy, I did cheat. I can assure you that him finding out about an affair will be infinitely more painful than having the hard conversation(s). I would encourage you to talk about your needs and needing them being met. Perhaps he would consider an open relationship? Or perhaps you maybe should think about leaving? It’s really hard to say as we are all so different, but the one thing I really think you should avoid is this status quo for another year, or decade, or forever.

 

[KristainSC]

Having been extremely unhappy and unsatisfied in a marriage, I absolutely encourage you to talk to him about this. Just suppressing your desires and staying miserable is not okay. You deserve more than that.

Some questions:

Has he sought treatment? Is he able to be intimate with you at all? Is it painful for him to be aroused? Is he able to talk about it?

I cannot recommend having an affair. After 18 years in an unhappy relationship with zero intimacy, I did cheat. I can assure you that him finding out about an affair will be infinitely more painful than having the hard conversation(s). I would encourage you to talk about your needs and needing them being met. Perhaps he would consider an open relationship? Or perhaps you maybe should think about leaving? It’s really hard to say as we are all so different, but the one thing I really think you should avoid is this status quo for another year, or decade, or forever.

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply, I think, even though it’s hard for me to admit, that you are right and your advice is the path I should take.

He has sought treatment, unsuccessfully so far. It is uncomfortable for him when he gets aroused yes, he could be intimate but chooses not to.

I need to figure out how to approach the conversation, I don’t want to hurt him but I cannot go on like this

 

[ToPleaseHim]

That is exactly where I was, although without medical diagnoses which does add complexity for you. The medical condition is not his fault. He likely is also depressed in relation to the condition. He needs to seek some help for this for himself and also to be a good partner for you.

I almost left my ex in 2008. We did the counseling bit and it just didn’t help. We both needed to want to change and he was fine with how things were. We looked like a great couple from the outside, but the reality was we had no relationship at all. If I could go back, I would have left before having the affair. Alas, I didn’t and our choices and experiences create who we are. I am incredibly happy now and I hope you are able to find that, too. I think there are a variety of possible outcomes for you and it does all start with a difficult conversation.

This is a safe place to talk about it.

 

[KristainSC]

That is exactly where I was, although without medical diagnoses which does add complexity for you. The medical condition is not his fault. He likely is also depressed in relation to the condition. He needs to seek some help for this for himself and also to be a good partner for you.

I almost left my ex in 2008. We did the counseling bit and it just didn’t help. We both needed to want to change and he was fine with how things were. We looked like a great couple from the outside, but the reality was we had no relationship at all. If I could go back, I would have left before having the affair. Alas, I didn’t and our choices and experiences create who we are. I am incredibly happy now and I hope you are able to find that, too. I think there are a variety of possible outcomes for you and it does all start with a difficult conversation.

This is a safe place to talk about it.

I’ve tried to ask him to talk to someone about it but he refuses to, I understand his reluctance but wish he would for our sake. I can do empathize with what you experienced, we too put on quite a good exterior show, but behind closed doors it is just slowly eating away at me, and him I am sure as well.

I have been tempted once and am thankful I was able to stop myself before going there, although I am not sure I could if I was in that situation again.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Tell him 100% how you feel. Treatment for that condition is often using the same device guys use to gain length. Two birds one stone sounds like it.

Reading stories online is one thing, being intimate with someone is another. I'd go as far as to say don't even talk to other men that way. Unless of course you're trying to accelerate yourself into a dramatic and painful ending.

If you wanna fix it, tell him you'll help him fix it. If he refuses to do anything to fix it, he's gonna drive you away. Not gonna be your favorite convo ever, but needs to happen.

 

[Wonderer67]

Having been extremely unhappy and unsatisfied in a marriage, I absolutely encourage you to talk to him about this. Just suppressing your desires and staying miserable is not okay. You deserve more than that.

I cannot recommend having an affair. I can assure you that him finding out about an affair will be infinitely more painful than having the hard conversation(s). I would encourage you to talk about your needs and needing them being met. Perhaps he would consider an open relationship? Or perhaps you maybe should think about leaving? It’s really hard to say as we are all so different, but the one thing I really think you should avoid is this status quo for another year, or decade, or forever.

I think this is sound advice. It’s a tough situation, but I think open and frank discussion is better than cheating. I guess I’m old school... but you may find some creative solutions. Good luck.

 

[NightL]

I’ve tried to ask him to talk to someone about it but he refuses to

Of my opinion it is something you both need to do. I suggest you make an appointment with a sex therapist and then tell him "I have set up an appointment, I am going and I would like you to join me, I would like to approach this together". If he still refuses to go then still attend yourself. Maybe attend just to seek advice on how to approach and encourage him to join you for future appointments. You deserve to find a path forward for yourself in this.

Be aware that sex therapists often come from a background of psychology or extensive training and degrees in counselling before undertaking further extensive study and qualifications in sexual health. Do some research on who you may attend, perhaps ask for a referral from your GP, they are not likely to recommend crack-pots - there are some.

Peyronies is indeed treatable, and maybe another opinion and guidance from a sex therapist could offer a different approach. That alone is worth finding out. As ChuckandAndrea indicated a device often recommended is https://www.andropeyronie.com/ - but I would seek the advice and guidance of a sex therapist on that subject.

Counselling could also help your husband to feel included in planning and decisions for the whatever approach is decided.

If your husband is adamant in not attending I still believe it important that you attend.

I certainly don't think you should push your feelings / desires aside. To do so is to die a little death each day that will only compound. You are not cheating or having an affair in seeking professional advice for yourself. Hopefully your husband will join you.

 

[Bramblethorn]

NightL and ToPleaseHim have already covered most of the things I would have said. I would just add: if you haven't already discussed this as an option, worth keeping in mind that the penis is not the only option for pleasure.

 

[KristainSC]

NightL and ToPleaseHim have already covered most of the things I would have said. I would just add: if you haven't already discussed this as an option, worth keeping in mind that the penis is not the only option for pleasure.

Thank you all so much for your responses and advice. You all bring up great suggestions and I am going to begin exploring some of that advice today. I am so glad I posted this on here and truly appreciate the time you took to read and respond. I hope he is willing to do something, if he isn’t I unfortunately think that is an answer in and of itself

 

[DrHappy]

I’ve tried to ask him to talk to someone about it but he refuses to

Of my opinion it is something you both need to do

This is a key point. The conversation with him will hopefully motive him to to talk to someone. He needs to know that this is serious, and that there are specific things that can be done to address the situation.

Peyronies is indeed treatable, and maybe another opinion and guidance from a sex therapist could offer a different approach.

This is my understanding as well. Are you involved with his treatment plan? How is his compliance? Is is something that you two can do together? It may be depressing for him to do it alone. Maybe a team effort would feel better for him.

There are various creative options for intimacy even if his penis is completely non-functional. Is he willing to use his mouth? Or simply kissing or holding you while you use a vibrator or dildo? Have you ever had him lick your clit while he uses a dildo or vibrator inside your vagina? Or maybe touching your breasts/nipples while you pleasure yourself? Maybe these options aren't optimal, but they can still be intimate and lots of fun. Explore some variety.

 

[KristainSC]

This is a key point. The conversation with him will hopefully motive him to to talk to someone. He needs to know that this is serious, and that there are specific things that can be done to address the situation.


This is my understanding as well. Are you involved with his treatment plan? How is his compliance? Is is something that you two can do together? It may be depressing for him to do it alone. Maybe a team effort would feel better for him.

There are various creative options for intimacy even if his penis is completely non-functional. Is he willing to use his mouth? Or simply kissing or holding you while you use a vibrator or dildo? Have you ever had him lick your clit while he uses a dildo or vibrator inside your vagina? Or maybe touching your breasts/nipples while you pleasure yourself? Maybe these options aren't optimal, but they can still be intimate and lots of fun. Explore some variety.

Thank you for your reply. I have tried to help with it but he refuses it, he feels so incredibly insecure about it that it is difficult for him to engage even with me on it.

He has no desire at all for any kind of intimacy, I have mentioned that on occasion, although not as strongly as I should, but he plays the ‘woah is me’ card all of the time, it has completely sapped him of any desire whatsoever

 

[IrisAlthea]

Thank you for your reply. I have tried to help with it but he refuses it, he feels so incredibly insecure about it that it is difficult for him to engage even with me on it.

He has no desire at all for any kind of intimacy, I have mentioned that on occasion, although not as strongly as I should, but he plays the ‘woah is me’ card all of the time, it has completely sapped him of any desire whatsoever

With the problems you describe and if he is around your age or older, there is probably a lot of stress and perhaps also depression to make the situation worse. Stress and depression often do kill both drive and ability.
That might be a reason why he doesn’t seem to want to do something about it.

As several others said, talking about it is going to be painful, but going behind his back can end up making it way worse.

 

[KristainSC]

With the problems you describe and if he is around your age or older, there is probably a lot of stress and perhaps also depression to make the situation worse. Stress and depression often do kill both drive and ability.
That might be a reason why he doesn’t seem to want to do something about it.

As several others said, talking about it is going to be painful, but going behind his back can end up making it way worse.

This is so true. He kinda gave me an opening today via a text he sent and we’ve been texting a little bit. His insecurities are really clouding his ability to have a meaningful conversation, it is really frustrating and making it really difficult for me to be patient, and I am trying really hard and being super empathetic

 

[IrisAlthea]

This is so true. He kinda gave me an opening today via a text he sent and we’ve been texting a little bit. His insecurities are really clouding his ability to have a meaningful conversation, it is really frustrating and making it really difficult for me to be patient, and I am trying really hard and being super empathetic

As long as the focus is on performance, it’s probably going to be really stressful for him.
Perhaps try to start with talking about being close and intimate in other ways?

 

[Male4Strapon]

As a male in a sexless marriage, I am of the opinion that the partner refusing sex is being selfish especially if also refusing options to treat a lack of desire. And IMO straying from the marriage is completely understandable and frankly warranted.
I feel very resentful to my wife even though I love her. I have cheated and don't feel any guilt over it because she has pushed me to this as far as I am concerned.
I have tried talking lovingly. I have suggested therapy. I have encouraged her to be open about her fantasies, I have tried initiating, I have tried giving her space. I have expressed desire, frustration, anger and told her how emotionally I feel rejected. No approach has gained any traction.
I don't look for other "relationships" because we have a loving relationship outside of sex, but I feel no sense of conflict in seeking strictly-physical encounters because that she won't provide. My needs for that clearly don't matter to her.
So I feel for you and your pain. You are not alone. I would never push you to cheat, but I would encourage you to worry about your sexual needs because clearly he does not. If and when you give some other lucky guy what your husband no longer wants, then don't feel bad about it. It's his fault.

 

[LAHomedog]

I think this is probably a much larger problem than well intentioned people here can fully tackle. As been said already, open communication between the two of you and professional help is needed, in my judgment.

There is so much to unpack here:

You said at the top that he had confidence issues over his small penis If he already had anxieties and noise about that he was probably looking for something that would confirm to him that his story was correct and he had a small penis and was emasculated. So he withdrew into his survival bubble.

I had cancer -- that is not the problem here but can illustrate -- and my terrific marriage of 30+ years hit the rocks for the first time. With a lot of open communication and the help of two professionals -- it worked better for us if we each had our own -- we figured out that I was receding over my guilt about being sick and not being able to "perform" as a husband. (Not just sex. I couldn't work and make a living.) and my wife was acting out because she was so angry that I got sick even though the illness was not lifestyle related

I have a hunch you are pissed. Who could blame you. I would be too.

Have you approach your husband with a "I need your help with this and maybe we can figure out an accommodation that works for both of us? (Maybe I missed that in other comments.)

And if you are not seeing someone on your own, please do. Good luck.

 

[KristainSC]

I think this is probably a much larger problem than well intentioned people here can fully tackle. As been said already, open communication between the two of you and professional help is needed, in my judgment.

There is so much to unpack here:

You said at the top that he had confidence issues over his small penis If he already had anxieties and noise about that he was probably looking for something that would confirm to him that his story was correct and he had a small penis and was emasculated. So he withdrew into his survival bubble.

I had cancer -- that is not the problem here but can illustrate -- and my terrific marriage of 30+ years hit the rocks for the first time. With a lot of open communication and the help of two professionals -- it worked better for us if we each had our own -- we figured out that I was receding over my guilt about being sick and not being able to "perform" as a husband. (Not just sex. I couldn't work and make a living.) and my wife was acting out because she was so angry that I got sick even though the illness was not lifestyle related

I have a hunch you are pissed. Who could blame you. I would be too.

Have you approach your husband with a "I need your help with this and maybe we can figure out an accommodation that works for both of us? (Maybe I missed that in other comments.)

And if you are not seeing someone on your own, please do. Good luck.

Thank you and I agree I am kinda mad about all of this, I feel awful for feeling that way but I am.

I approached that part of the conversation, that you mentioned, yesterday and it did not go well at all. He got very mad and lashed out ‘then go fuck someone else Krista’. I cannot handle this much longer with him, he clearly is too embarrassed to really seek help even though I’ve been clear that it’s creating a big challenge for me in our marriage, he does not seem to care about me, only about how he is feeling

I feel completely helpless at this point

 

[CandK_inSE]

Krista -

I can only relay what happened when I had a really bad case of ED for about 2 1/2 years. The difference is, I never lost any desire for my wife. Even if my penis wouldn't cooperate, I would still use my mouth, fingers, and use toys on her, and then try with a less than "optimal" erection, try to make love to her.

I also told her that if she needed it badly, she could seek it. She told me that she wouldn't do that.

There were lots of frustrating date nights, but I always made sure she was able to have an orgasm in some way.

I did seek treatment. They claimed it was Low-T. They put me on shots. All that did was increase my desire for her. I tried the pills. Did nothing but make me physically warm and sweaty and gave me a headache.

Finally, right before school started in 2018, I took my daughter for a soccer workout at her school. Just so happened, the football team had their blocking sleds out. I decided I'd show her how used to hit them when I played. Come back from the workout and my side and back are hurting. Went on for a few weeks. Ended up being a massive kidney stone.

Went in for surgery, and the doctor couldn't do it. The stone had been there for a LONG TIME, and had been acting like a filter. I had a giant kidney infection that was so bad, if the stone hadn't moved ever so slightly, I could have died within a few months.

Anyway, came home after the doctor put a stent in to relieve the infection. I'm laying on the bed, pissed off about the entire situation. My wife comes in to comfort me, touches me, and all of a sudden, something wakes from the dead. My penis basically explodes to life.

What happened was the stone was also somehow blocking bloodflow down to the penis. No idea how or why, but everything was working again. Ended up getting the stone removed, and our sex life has blossomed. We got a second chance at it. We joined Lit to share stories, learn, and explore things we would never do before.

Your husband doesn't seem like he's willing to work for his sex life. I was completely lost without mine. He needs to get treatment. If not for you, for himself, his mental state, and basically his life.

 

[KristainSC]

Krista -

I can only relay what happened when I had a really bad case of ED for about 2 1/2 years. The difference is, I never lost any desire for my wife. Even if my penis wouldn't cooperate, I would still use my mouth, fingers, and use toys on her, and then try with a less than "optimal" erection, try to make love to her.

I also told her that if she needed it badly, she could seek it. She told me that she wouldn't do that.

There were lots of frustrating date nights, but I always made sure she was able to have an orgasm in some way.

I did seek treatment. They claimed it was Low-T. They put me on shots. All that did was increase my desire for her. I tried the pills. Did nothing but make me physically warm and sweaty and gave me a headache.

Finally, right before school started in 2018, I took my daughter for a soccer workout at her school. Just so happened, the football team had their blocking sleds out. I decided I'd show her how used to hit them when I played. Come back from the workout and my side and back are hurting. Went on for a few weeks. Ended up being a massive kidney stone.

Went in for surgery, and the doctor couldn't do it. The stone had been there for a LONG TIME, and had been acting like a filter. I had a giant kidney infection that was so bad, if the stone hadn't moved ever so slightly, I could have died within a few months.

Anyway, came home after the doctor put a stent in to relieve the infection. I'm laying on the bed, pissed off about the entire situation. My wife comes in to comfort me, touches me, and all of a sudden, something wakes from the dead. My penis basically explodes to life.

What happened was the stone was also somehow blocking bloodflow down to the penis. No idea how or why, but everything was working again. Ended up getting the stone removed, and our sex life has blossomed. We got a second chance at it. We joined Lit to share stories, learn, and explore things we would never do before.

Your husband doesn't seem like he's willing to work for his sex life. I was completely lost without mine. He needs to get treatment. If not for you, for himself, his mental state, and basically his life.

That is such an interesting experience and thank you for sharing it, I am so happy that your prayers were answered, even if in an unexpected way.

I agree that he needs to want this for himself at this point, his feeling sorry for himself is enormously frustrating and quite honestly not attractive at all

 

[HappySpouse]

From a combination of things, medical, pharmaceutical, and otherwise, my wife had basically no sex drive for around a decade. We would often go 4-6 months between sex with the longest gap being about 14 months. (for context this is not how things are anymore)

The first question I often ask of people (usually men) in sexless marriages is this:

Do you love your spouse more than sex? I'm not being facetious. If there was a cut and dry choice of keep one and the other is gone forever, would you choose your husband?

If the "Yes" then all the cheating and divorce options are no longer a thing to worry about. You're not going anywhere, and you're not willing to lose them for sex. So, take that load right off your shoulders.

Now that means whatever solution there is for you lies with him. Let me preface this by saying that people have the right to choose if they want to have sex or not. When one person wants sex and the other does not, the person with the problem is the one who wants it, not the person that doesn't. However, he has agreed to be part caretaker of your happiness and part owner of your sex life, and it is not out of line to remind him of that. Maybe suggest that for one or two days a month (like the 2nd and 4th saturdays) you guys fool around, but NO SEX ALLOWED. Try to make it fun for him.

How to make it fun depends on a lot of details I don't have. For instance, if he masturbates, then get under the covers and pick some porn together and masturbate. Luckily, your a woman, so my main suggestion is get your freak on. Buy remote wearable vibrators (wevibe chorus), and let him control them in public places. Buy a piston machine and he make it fuck the living hell out of you. Tell him you want to squirt and buy gspot dildos and try to soak him. Go to strip clubs and have a woman bounce on his crotch while she sucks on your nipples (happened to us 100% recommend). Ride his face, fuck his hands and suck his fingers. If he's cool with it, find a woman to strap you down all night.

Always be willing to handle and suck on his penis during these things just make clear that the goal is pleasure, not erection or ejaculation.

There is so much fun to be had without putting a penis in a vagina, but there are still things to do. One fun thing is a "lip job". You get on top and place his penis in your labia like a hotdog in a bug and just glide on it. Hump that thing until his penis makes you cum. Another option, that could potentially be emotional difficult, is a penis extender like this one that he puts is too flacid or too small dick in, then he can have sex with you the way he probably wishes he could.

He needs to know that what you need is to know he cares about your needs. Things don't always have to work, but if he never tries then you can't feel that your problem matters to him.

 

[naughtymind]

The first question I often ask of people (usually men) in sexless marriages is this:

Do you love your spouse more than sex? I'm being facetious. If there was a cut and dry choice of keep one and the other is gone forever, would you choose your husband?
.

I think most of your advice was very well intentioned, but I have to take issue with this piece here. No one should be asked to choose between the two. The OP's husband is effectively putting this choice to her (though we don't know his side of the story), which is incredibly unfair and imo... not exactly loving and caring for your spouse. I would NEVER put my wife in such a catch 22 position personally.

I really feel for both the OP and her husband, but it sounds like he really needs to be willing to put a lot more effort into making it work for her. Expecting her to go without isn't a reasonable option imo...

 

[NikiVien]

I think young couples should be encouraged to have these 'what if' type conversations before the event takes place.

After or during the event it's a bit like deciding where to put the goalposts during the game.

To Krista,

I think you will have to push him into a corner soon, an ultimatum if you like. Either get help to sort this problem out together or we will have to sort it out individually. You can make it clear to him that you prefer the former but will accept the latter if he leaves you no other choice. He has to come to the realisation that a problem within a marriage affects both parties, and he should want to do whatever necessary to resolve the problem for you both. Good luck.

 

[KristainSC]

I think young couples should be encouraged to have these 'what if' type conversations before the event takes place.

After or during the event it's a bit like deciding where to put the goalposts during the game.

To Krista,

I think you will have to push him into a corner soon, an ultimatum if you like. Either get help to sort this problem out together or we will have to sort it out individually. You can make it clear to him that you prefer the former but will accept the latter if he leaves you no other choice. He has to come to the realisation that a problem within a marriage affects both parties, and he should want to do whatever necessary to resolve the problem for you both. Good luck.

Thank you for this and we were up all hours last night having this conversation. He has been firm that he will not do counseling which I told him tells me he is not interested in me or my feelings. He was selfish and dismissive of my needs throughout the entire conversation. I am pretty certain last night was a bit of a breaking point, I was careful with my words and was very empathetic with him but he simply chose not to consider nor care for my needs. That was very telling for me.

 

[NikiVien]

I think it's great that you have handled this problem the way you have, rather than taking the 'easy' option and just cheating on him. It's a shame that he's unlikely to be consensual or involved to any degree in your personal discovery, it could easily have lead to a closer, stronger relationship.