Should a straight gal marry a guy who is gay?

[Rumple Foreskin]

The quote below appears in Zadie Smith's novel, The Autograph Man. It's spoken by Kitty Alexander, a 77 year-old '50's movie star who has just revealed that one of her three husbands was gay.

I'm passing it along because, IMHO, it's a great bit of writing and in light of Vamp's, Girls Who Love Boiz Who Love Boiz thread, I wondered what type of comments, if any, it might spark.

"My dear, EVERYONE should marry a homosexual at least once. It robs a pretty girl of ALL her sexual vanity. It is VERY healthy."

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Guest]

 

[Dar~]

I can see how it would rob a girl of her vanity, but that isn't neccesarily a good thing. I think that marriages of a straight woman to a homosexual man or vice versa can be very convenient legally though.
I would love to say I think it would be cool, but I think it could end up ruining some very good friendships.

 

[SeaCat]

While on the surface this looks like it might be a great idea for a couple of very open minded people, I can see how it might lead to some major problems down the road. Yes it will reduce ones vanity, but it could also rob one of ones sexuality and identity.

Cat

 

[AppleBiter]

Should a straight woman marry a gay man? In a word -- no.

 

[Amy Sweet]

Should a straight woman marry a gay man? In a word -- no.

It took me quite a bit to realize that that is a computer mouse in that av! I was wondering why her body looked so scary and then I looked closer and there it was- not what I thought it was at all.

It might be cool for a straight woman to marry a gay man. But I think it would take a lot of negotiation before hand so everyone knew exactly what was up and what was expected of them.

For instance, your stereotypical gay man might make an excellent husband in a lot of ways, outside of the bedroom part of it. You could emotionally support each other, watch the oscars together, shop together and paint each others toenails. just kidding- sort of. I mean, it depends on your goals for the marriage and the two people involved. I would marry George Michael in a heatbeat. ["Heartbeat, heartbeat, why do you fail me now. Oh you hurt me, desert me in my darkest hour." ] I'm pretty sure I'd end up frustrated and unhappy, but I'd do it anyway.

 

[AppleBiter]

It took me quite a bit to realize that that is a computer mouse in that av! I was wondering why her body looked so scary and then I looked closer and there it was- not what I thought it was at all.

That's the fun of it! I thought it was clever, anyway.

 

[Amy Sweet]

That's the fun of it! I thought it was clever, anyway.

very clever

 

[Boxlicker101]

If a straight woman marries a gay man with the expectation that it will end within a few years, it would be OK. If both go into it with their eyes open, it could be a good deal. Neither would have any problem with monogamy because both would be getting some on the side. It could even be a nice, companionable marriage with tax benefits and other advantages.

For most people, though, I wouldn't recommend it.

 

[Huckleman2000]

A gay friend from college was his family's heir, and his grandmother willed him her money with the stipulation that he get married. He was a bit of a screamer, even from a very small Midwestern town famous for a variety of cheese that was originated there. He was 6'5", and was a HS cheerleader, not a basketball player. So, really, it was a pretty cruel stipulation to leave as her last earthly wish, but this was in the late 70s, pre-AIDs.

He was (and is) immensely talented, as a dancer and choreographer, and really a funny and charming homo. One girl after another became his best friend and almost inseparable partner. I think one actually married him, or came close to it, really deluding herself that it could be a marriage with sex and all... I remember the first one snearing, upon hearing of the impending nuptials, "If I couldn't do it, no woman will", and she was probably right - she had a reputation as an incredible lay, when she wanted to be. I don't know what actually became of it, since I lost track of them.

I'm not sure what it is about straight women and gay men. I can't think of any comparable relationship between a straight man and a lesbian, though maybe I've just never traveled in those circles. I've known lots of lesbians though; I've just never known one that attracts men in the way that a gay man attracts women. Usually heavy women. Debra Messing is the only thin fag hag I've ever seen, and she just plays one on TV.

 

[Boxlicker101]

I'm not sure what it is about straight women and gay men. I can't think of any comparable relationship between a straight man and a lesbian, though maybe I've just never traveled in those circles. I've known lots of lesbians though; I've just never known one that attracts men in the way that a gay man attracts women. Usually heavy women. Debra Messing is the only thin fag hag I've ever seen, and she just plays one on TV.

I can think of a couple reasons why a straight man will not hit it off with a lesbian. For one thing, most men want to fuck anybody they can. If a man has a friend who is a woman, he has hope of getting into her pants eventually. With a lesbian, he knows that will never happen so he stays away. Or, he tries anyhow, and drives her away.

I believe that some lesbians are actually hostile toward men, partly because of abuse they may have suffered when they were still trying to be straight. Also, men are not really all that friendly toward other men unless they have some kind of a common goal, such as being teammates on a football team, or other such bonding. Women, on the other hand, are interesterd in friendly relationships with other women.

 

[Amy Sweet]

Women, on the other hand, are interesterd in friendly relationships with other women.

And people in general.

However straight men very often aren't good objects of 'friendly relationships' for the reasons you mentioned.

Plus, (back to 'relationship' relationships) women want a lot more from a relationship than sex and sometimes can even make themselves believe that if the other stuff is there the absence of sex (or lackluster sex) won't matter. Women in fact are encouraged not to think of sex as primary and to downplay it's importance.

 

[Huckleman2000]

And people in general.

However straight men very often aren't good objects of 'friendly relationships' for the reasons you mentioned.

Plus, (back to 'relationship' relationships) women want a lot more from a relationship than sex and sometimes can even make themselves believe that if the other stuff is there the absence of sex (or lackluster sex) won't matter. Women in fact are encouraged not to think of sex as primary and to downplay it's importance.

That's probably true.
But I've been turned away from a lesbian club (that I went to with a lesbian friend), and mistakenly ventured into a lesbian bookstore (Amazon Books, oddly enough...) and felt very uncomfortable. So Boxlicker's sense that there's some hostility towards males, at least in lesbian-primary settings, rings somewhat true. The only comparable gay experience I've had is going into a leather bar, which was quite different from a typical gay bar.

I must say, though, that I haven't been to a gay or lesbian club in years, so this is experience from pre-1985. The comparable vibe I get from lesbians nowadays isn't exactly hostile - more like casual indifference. Like the vibe I get from a really hot girl, except in flannel with a big belt buckle.

 

[matriarch]

It worked for me.
For 30+ years.
Had to give into 'natural' in the end though.
It doesn't matter whether its gay or straight or both, if they want the marriage to work, it will.

 

[matriarch]

I can think of a couple reasons why a straight man will not hit it off with a lesbian. For one thing, most men want to fuck anybody they can. If a man has a friend who is a woman, he has hope of getting into her pants eventually. With a lesbian, he knows that will never happen so he stays away. Or, he tries anyhow, and drives her away.

I find that a very sad statement, if you really think it. Not all men, as not all women, are driven by sexual desires in their relationships. I know many men, and women,who have platonic friendships with the opposite sex. Simply because they like them as people. Sex just does not come into it.

For myself, I find it very easy to have friendships with men, simply because I don't give off any 'sexual' vibes to them, and they feel it. They have no need to perform, preen, or anything else. They can be relaxed and themselves in my company. I find that a great honour, and great fun. There is a kind of ribald, non sexual, humour in my interaction with them that is totally non-threatening and very comfortable.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

There is more to marriage than sex. If two people have onther pressng needs that such a relationship fulfills, why not? I've known several straight women who share extremely emotionally fulfilling relationships with gay male friends. In the end, a marriage comes down to what each person entering it wants from and expects from it.

If both partys are going in with eyes wide open, then I see no reason it can't work and even be very fulfilling for them both. Tryng to pass judgement on it would be no different than trying to pass judgement on any other marriage one might see.

 

[Black Tulip]

Marrying a gay partner, why not? Provided it's clear to all parties what to expect and what not.

As for losing sexual vanity, I'd say that only works for a very secure person. It could backfire easily and cause more harm than good.

What really interests me is why would a straight person want to marry a gay partner in this day and age? Why not find a partner that's sexually suitable too?

 

[carsonshepherd]

I can think of a couple reasons why a straight man will not hit it off with a lesbian. For one thing, most men want to fuck anybody they can. If a man has a friend who is a woman, he has hope of getting into her pants eventually. With a lesbian, he knows that will never happen so he stays away. Or, he tries anyhow, and drives her away.

I believe that some lesbians are actually hostile toward men, partly because of abuse they may have suffered when they were still trying to be straight. Also, men are not really all that friendly toward other men unless they have some kind of a common goal, such as being teammates on a football team, or other such bonding. Women, on the other hand, are interesterd in friendly relationships with other women.

Your statements make a lot of sense here, but I disagree about men not being friendly toward other men. I've been around very close hetero male friendships my whole life. My dad had close male friends, so does my brother, and so do I, with straight males having nothing to do with attraction. It was a friendship between two straight males that really convinced me that two men could be in a loving relationship.

Anyway, the question. Should a straight girl marry a gay man?

As long as she doesn't expect his love, or his passion; as long as she knows it's only a relationship of deep friendship and companionship, I don't see why not.

But I would never get involved in a situation like that myself. It has the potential for too much hurt and disappointment, and could destroy lives if things went badly; just like any marriage.

 

[Guest]

Anyway, the question. Should a straight girl marry a gay man?

As long as she doesn't expect his love, or his passion; as long as she knows it's only a relationship of deep friendship and companionship, I don't see why not.

But I would never get involved in a situation like that myself. It has the potential for too much hurt and disappointment, and could destroy lives if things went badly; just like any marriage.

love can be had without passion.
i am neither for or against it as there are too many variables to consider. who is to say it is right or wrong?
there are even striaght couples that dont have sex but do have much love. my grandparents loved one another and i feel very certain that they only had sex twice to procreate. (separate bedrooms tell a lot)
ah well, whatever makes you happy, is what i say.

 

[carsonshepherd]

love can be had without passion.
i am neither for or against it as there are too many variables to consider. who is to say it is right or wrong?
there are even striaght couples that dont have sex but do have much love. my grandparents loved one another and i feel very certain that they only had sex twice to procreate. (separate bedrooms tell a lot)
ah well, whatever makes you happy, is what i say.

Gimme a break, it's early. I meant his romantic love. I love my female best friend more than probably anyone else in this world. I've definitely had a more successful and long-lasting relationship with her than I've had with a man.

 

[Guest]

Gimme a break, it's early. I meant his romantic love. I love my female best friend more than probably anyone else in this world. I've definitely had a more successful and long-lasting relationship with her than I've had with a man.

break given.

 

[Guest]

There is more to marriage than sex.

Best simple sentence I've read in some time.

Me? I'd like to find a gay Yorkshireman who needs a beard.

P.

 

[cloudy]

Best simple sentence I've read in some time.

Me? I'd like to find a gay Yorkshireman who needs a beard.

P.

I'm just stalking Perdita. Hola, mija.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Best simple sentence I've read in some time.

Me? I'd like to find a gay Yorkshireman who needs a beard.

P.

So good to see you posting again Dita

*HUGS*

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Let's put it like this: WHY should a straight woman marry a gay man?

She can't expect him to fall in love with her, only that he'll love her as his best friend, and she can't expect him to have sex with her. (Unless she's one of those I-can-change-him types, in which case the relationship is doomed to fail.)
They may have a fun time living together, just like most room-mates do. It may also be educational, especially for the woman.
They can share hard times and celebrate success in their respective life, etc.
They might gain financially from being married instead of just room-mating, since legislation is prejudiced and favours couples where a man and a woman are married to each other, regardless if they're a romantic/sexual couple or not.

I can see many reasons why a straight woman and a gay man should live together as room-mates, but as for marrying each other, I think it would be better to change the law so that it would be equal for all, gay, straight, room-mates, romantic couples...

I think I'd enjoy living with a bisexual man, though. Atleast if he's into threesomes.