shook up my life, have you been there?

[explorrgrrl]

Hi everyone.

After years and years of silent yearning and anxiety and trying (and failing) to push it all away, I finally confessed to my husband the intense bisexual yearning I've had my whole adult life but never acted on. I asked his permission to become involved with a woman with whom I have had a complicated 10-year friendship (complicated by the fact that we are attracted to each other and are both married). He has known about our attraction for many years, but chose to be in denial about it until I brought this up a couple of weeks ago.

He has agreed, and understands that this is something I need to do, but not surprisingly he is struggling with it. He is supportive, he is anxious, it turns him on, it freaks him out. He has a lot of complicated emotions about it, as do I. I am elated to finally have him fully know me (the secret was so burdensome), and to have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality without cheating and with someone I care about, but I'm also sad, because I love him a lot (we've been together 25 years) and hate causing him a minute's unhappiness.

My new girlfriend is not interested in a threesome. I have told my husband that while if fills me with anxiety, he is free to sleep with other women, and also that if he found a woman who wanted a threesome I would do it for him. But he has told me that he is not interested in sleeping with anyone else. He has a pretty low-burn libido, which has been an ongoing source of frustration for me, and I can probably keep him sexually satisfied.

He knows and likes my girlfriend, and she feels the same about him, although neither of them is ready to socialize with each other. It is my dream that this will happen someday but I'm just taking it one day at a time. She lives about three hours away and has two kids (in an unhappy marriage she plans to leave), so it's not like she'll be around a lot, but it does mean I will have to travel to see her. She, by the way, is going into this with her eyes open--she knows I am not planning to leave my marriage.

I also spent a lot of time in therapy several years ago exploring whether I am gay or bisexual, and we concluded that I'm pretty much dead-center bisexual. I am very attracted to my husband.

I am trying to keep lines of communication with him open, though he is not a great communicator. He's a total trouper and I love him even more for that (and he knows it), but it's still difficult. Does anybody have any advice for helping us work through this to the other side?

 

[BiMommy77]

Wow...your story sounds exactly like mine..although I haven't been given "permission" by my fiance to live out my fantasy. It's eating me alive, I'm 35 and feel like it may never happen, and then what??? Taking that "what could have been" to the grave is an intense emotional burdon. I love my fiance and wouldn't want to be without him in my life, but at the same time, I KNOW there is someone that I could become involved with, a female, although far away, that would satisfy me and my desire for the female experience. You are very lucky to have a man who understands. Although, I can't say if he "asked" to sleep with another woman that I MYSELF would be okay with that..I'm gonna say I wouldn't be okay with it at all. So, I undestand. Yet, similarly, if he were to want to "explore" being with a man..I'd be down with that 100%! Somehow, it's not the same as the relationship and connection we have. That can't be duplicated. Exploring a fantasy is okay with me. But not doing it just to get off, as if he were to be with a woman, it would be just that, I assume. I look forward to reading the responses you recieve, as the longing I have for a "special female" grows stronger with each passing day...

 

[explorrgrrl]

FWIW, I very very very very very very much wish I had done this before I got married.

 

[acre1]

i have no advice, but i can say that i feel for you and i am concerned for myself. i too have bi sexual urges, but i have not taken the step in either acting on them or confessing the fact to my girlfriend. we have only been together for two years, so i have not made a huge commitment. I can not totally relate to your situation. I think it is great that you decided to talk about it though.

It is too bad...monogamy in my mind is the only way i could ever live my life, even though i wish it wasn't. I could not see myself in one of those relationships where there is a 3 way, or 4 way + living situation or relationship happening....that is very wrong to me. Even if it would make me happy, i think the way society has raised me and the morals i have developed would never allow me to be ok with it.

 

[explorrgrrl]

I believe polyamory is possible and I don't have a problem with it morally. I believe myself capable, but this is untested, But of course, it takes three (in my case) to make it work and it's all a big experiment at this point.

 

[Flybigirlsea]

Relationships

My heart goes out to all, including myself, who have desires, secret or otherwise that cannot be realized out of respect for another, love for another, or fear of hurting another. These are all legitimate concerns and I, for my part will continue to respect those concerns. Because, if we truly care for a person, than our desires will be second to those concerns of the person we care about.

 

[Missingout]

I think it's great that you finally told him everything.
I opened up to my wife and she did to me about fantasies & desires. Just wish it didn't take 20 years.

The way I see it now. If I can't tell my wife or she can't tell me something major, then why are we married to each other.

 

[BiMommy77]

My heart goes out to all, including myself, who have desires, secret or otherwise that cannot be realized out of respect for another, love for another, or fear of hurting another. These are all legitimate concerns and I, for my part will continue to respect those concerns. Because, if we truly care for a person, than our desires will be second to those concerns of the person we care about.

I'm sure as hard it is for that person, they appreciate and respect your decision.

 

[explorrgrrl]

The way I see it now. If I can't tell my wife or she can't tell me something major, then why are we married to each other.

Thank you, this is very helpful to me. The anxiety I feel about the change in my marriage is balanced by the intense relief I feel that my husband finally really knows me.

 

[curiousus]

My wife came out

My wife confessed to me she was bi about 4 years ago. I am proud of her openness as that must have been hard for her.
At the same time, I was not shocked, as I knew from our sex play and what she had told me about her sexual past that she fantasied about making love with women.
I think I knew for a long time that when I licked her clit she was thinking of another women.
I'm totally happy with her, and continue to love her deeply.

 

[njlauren]

I think if you are going to go forward with this you need to be careful, I think you need to have rules/guidelines because it could get messy otherwise, based on what i know/have seen. I think it is great you talked about your bi side with him and he seems to be understanding, hiding is a horrible thing. On the other hand, you need to make sure he is really okay with this, that he feels comfortable with you exploring, that he feels assured you are doing this for the sex only. Likewise if you do end up doing it with your friend, be careful that it doesn't go beyond that point, that it doesn't become emotional to the point where it threatens your marriage. What worries me is with your friend coming out of a bad marriage, that she might be vulnerable and make more out of your relationship then you yourself intend it to. Also, speaking from personal experience, when the floodgates open on something that was buried, when it is possible to explore something we buried, it can lead to behavior that can cause regrets (not spoken in judgement, spoken as someone who has done things in those kinds of situations I am not proud of).

It sounds like you love your husband and he sounds like a pretty decent guy and my warning is simply to e careful, that it is complicated even though it seems like it isn't.

Poly relationships are possible, but they have a lot of work associated with them and also generally have rules designed to avoid the pitfalls of being in love with multiple people.There was a book written many years ago called "Ethical Sluts" that talked about the why's and how's of such relationships, it was a good one because they said it is possible, but it takes a lot of work.

Wish you luck, let us know what happens

 

[rbone04]

By no means do I intend to offend by saying this, but it seems as though you might be willing to risk fulfilling your own desires at the expense of causing two people you care deeply about much angst. You know the thought strikes part of him in a negative manner, yet you still seem in favor of proceeding. This is something you must be absolutely certain you want. If your girlfriend is aware of his feelings and knows you intend on remaining married... AND if she is "going into this with her eyes open", then just because she understands doesn't mean she cares about his feelings. Her coming out of a bad marriage might change, for the worst, what she would otherwise not be willing to do to a dear friend if it appears to be a happiness quick-fix for her. It could hurt her if she gets too close and you decide you can't continue if it is going to cause your husband anxiety.

While I understand your source of sexual frustration with your husband's low libido, that is something the two of you could always address with a therapist or a doctor and is often "fixable" these days. This is no rationale for moving forward with your girlfriend and fortunately it doesn't sound like this is the case for you. If you are truly sexually and emotionally attracted to him and her, then you must face the fact that you might have to choose between the two of them one day or possibly risk losing them both. Maybe you won't ever have to make this decision, but the possibility is real.

I could be way off base here, and again I don't mean to offend. You are facing a complicated life-obstacle here, and I applaud you for taking it head-on. You are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communication open but please proceed with caution. His mixed emotions mean part of him is not ready to deal with this yet. The flip side is... Part of him is ready and there is a chance it could some day be a source of happiness for him. Time will tell but until the two of them are able to talk about this, then tension will always remain amongst all parties involved. Good luck!

 

[explorrgrrl]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. Yes, it's risky as hell. No doubt about it. And scary. And also thrilling. And I have this pressing "you only go around once" feeling that is propelling me forward.

I ordered a copy of the Ethical Slut yesterday.

I will think about what you all have said.

 

[milojames]

I think it is wonderful you came out to your husband and great that he is supportive.
It doesn't usually work as well when a man comes out to his wife.
Most times what follows is a LOT of hatred and a messy divorce.

 

[lexy8]

I empathize with you. Thanks for having the courage to say what needs to be said.