dan_c00000
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2006
- Posts
- 5,907
Nice Try, "Rafael Edward"
I took some time yesterday to inspect the alleged "birth certificate" of U.S. "Senator" "Ted" Cruz. He plans to run for president in 2016, but has a little issue called being born and indoctrinated in a socialist country known as "Canada." I'm still piecing together his real back story, but for now I can tell you that I take issue with the following on what he claims is the legal document proving he became him when and where he says he did:
Ted Cruz's birth certificate
Yeah, right.
-
1. The certificate was released as a crude, cartoonish gif. Actual birth certificates in the 1970s were printed on birch bark.
2. The red seal is blank. Authentic Canadian birth certificates show a Mountie chasing a moose making off with a six-pack of Molson.
3. The font. It's all wrong. Go to www.thefontit'sallwrong.com for magnification and a comparison of typewriter keystrokes from Departments of Health in all four Canadian provinces and, most important, Moscow. Yes, I said Moscow and I'll say it again. Moscow.
4. There's no mention of hockey anywhere on this "certificate." Also: a proton scan reveals no trace of tar sand residue, and that shit gets all over everything. Why so clean…"Ted?"
National Review cover: Canada as
Including a certain Ted Cruz?
-
5. The conservative bible known as National Review calls the entire population of Canada "Wimps!" If "Ted Cruz" indeed has dual U.S.-Canada citizenship, this would make him a half-wimp and unacceptable to the Republican party. Yet "Ted Cruz" acts like a bully and is accepted with open arms by the GOP. Why the discrepancy? What's going on here?
6. I have no recollection of ever seeing "Ted Cruz" during his childhood, in grade school, or college. In fact, I'd never heard of "Ted Cruz" until a couple years ago. Where has he been all these years? What is he hiding and where is he hiding it?
7. Skip 7---I'm saving it for my book.
8. This is a very short document---only a dozen or so lines. Where's the long-form birth certificate? Or should I say: where's the long-form birth certificate, comrade? (Or sir or mister or other suitable address...I'm flexible.)
9. Four out of five dentists who confirm the authenticity of birth certificates as a side job tell me this thing is as fake as a two-dollar loonie. At least I think so. I was sucking on laughing gas at the time.
That's for starters. I'll reveal the rest in my brief to the Supreme Court. In the meantime, please send lots and lots of money for my new time share think tank, Americans for Sensible Blather, so I can continue investigating this assault on our democracy in all fifty states. I plan to start by scouring every birth record in Hawaii, the last place "Ted Cruz" would expect anyone to look. I hope their records are online so I can do the scouring from the smartphone in my golf cart.
I took some time yesterday to inspect the alleged "birth certificate" of U.S. "Senator" "Ted" Cruz. He plans to run for president in 2016, but has a little issue called being born and indoctrinated in a socialist country known as "Canada." I'm still piecing together his real back story, but for now I can tell you that I take issue with the following on what he claims is the legal document proving he became him when and where he says he did:
Ted Cruz's birth certificate
Yeah, right.
-
1. The certificate was released as a crude, cartoonish gif. Actual birth certificates in the 1970s were printed on birch bark.
2. The red seal is blank. Authentic Canadian birth certificates show a Mountie chasing a moose making off with a six-pack of Molson.
3. The font. It's all wrong. Go to www.thefontit'sallwrong.com for magnification and a comparison of typewriter keystrokes from Departments of Health in all four Canadian provinces and, most important, Moscow. Yes, I said Moscow and I'll say it again. Moscow.
4. There's no mention of hockey anywhere on this "certificate." Also: a proton scan reveals no trace of tar sand residue, and that shit gets all over everything. Why so clean…"Ted?"
National Review cover: Canada as
Including a certain Ted Cruz?
-
5. The conservative bible known as National Review calls the entire population of Canada "Wimps!" If "Ted Cruz" indeed has dual U.S.-Canada citizenship, this would make him a half-wimp and unacceptable to the Republican party. Yet "Ted Cruz" acts like a bully and is accepted with open arms by the GOP. Why the discrepancy? What's going on here?
6. I have no recollection of ever seeing "Ted Cruz" during his childhood, in grade school, or college. In fact, I'd never heard of "Ted Cruz" until a couple years ago. Where has he been all these years? What is he hiding and where is he hiding it?
7. Skip 7---I'm saving it for my book.
8. This is a very short document---only a dozen or so lines. Where's the long-form birth certificate? Or should I say: where's the long-form birth certificate, comrade? (Or sir or mister or other suitable address...I'm flexible.)
9. Four out of five dentists who confirm the authenticity of birth certificates as a side job tell me this thing is as fake as a two-dollar loonie. At least I think so. I was sucking on laughing gas at the time.
That's for starters. I'll reveal the rest in my brief to the Supreme Court. In the meantime, please send lots and lots of money for my new time share think tank, Americans for Sensible Blather, so I can continue investigating this assault on our democracy in all fifty states. I plan to start by scouring every birth record in Hawaii, the last place "Ted Cruz" would expect anyone to look. I hope their records are online so I can do the scouring from the smartphone in my golf cart.
Look at 'im . . . typical whey-faced, shifty-eyed poutine-guzzling Molson-breath Canuckistani, that one . . . How can America trust this man?! If the U.S. goes to war with Canada, will he stand with the Americans . . . or with them?!
