Sheep Loving

[Emeraldtryst]

Two facts that I have no desire to verify:

Syphilis--came from making mad loving to sheep!

Sheep--when you can't find that "special" woman...they're supposed to have the most similar vaginal cavity to that of a human.

Where does it all come from? I want to meet these scientists!

 

[Mensa]

I could be wrong

I think they come from Australia.

 

[beauchampd]

We australians know a bit about sheep, but for those loving questions we always bow to the new zealanders, they invented the velcro gloves for there farmers. lol

 

[kitsuke]

I'm Scottish so I can say this

Y'know, the kilt were invented jes' cos' a healthy sheep can hear a zipper at five hunnerd feet!

 

[Rubyfruit]

I don't know, but I'm currently reading The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant, set in biblical times, and there is plenty of sheep fucking going on.

Ruby

 

[p_p_man]

Where does it all come from? I want to meet these scientists!

The English talking about the Welsh.

 

[Problem Child]

I never told you I was of Welsh extraction did I p_p_man?

This explains everything.

 

[Myrrdin]

For centuries Welsh farmers have earned a living selling sheep to the English.

What they want them for we don't ask.

 

[Myrrdin]

And for the record a female sheep's vagina is much smaller than a woman's. So if you're into sheep fucking you really are a pencil dick.
A male sheep has a penis about the thickness of your little finger although he is permanently erect. He just carries it coiled up under his skin

 

[p_p_man]

For centuries Welsh farmers have earned a living selling sheep to the English.

What they want them for we don't ask.

Yeah we've kept that little secret pretty close to our chests...



PC I always thought that extraction is what you did to teeth!!

 

[Mensa]

Late night research?

And for the record a female sheep's vagina is much smaller than a woman's. So if you're into sheep fucking you really are a pencil dick.
A male sheep has a penis about the thickness of your little finger although he is permanently erect. He just carries it coiled up under his skin

And how would you know this, exactly?

 

[Myrrdin]

Mensa

I'm a sheep farmer.

 

[Mensa]

Re: Mensa

I'm a sheep farmer.

And no doubt glad that sheep can't talk!

 

[Myrrdin]

Sheep do talk. You just have to know the language.
If you've ever kept sheep, you soon learn to recognize the sound when one says "I've found a gap in that hedge and there's fresh grass the other side."
The message is passed across the field, closely followed by the crash of buckling timber and the sight of mutton heading for the horizon.

 

[p_p_man]

Sheep do talk. You just have to know the language.
If you've ever kept sheep, you soon learn to recognize the sound when one says "I've found a gap in that hedge and there's fresh grass the other side."
The message is passed across the field, closely followed by the crash of buckling timber and the sight of mutton heading for the horizon.

 

[Emeraldtryst]

I had no idea so many people knew so much about sheep. What an astonishing revelation

 

[WriterDom]

A ventriloquist is passing through an Indian village. He sees an Indian man tending to his farm. The ventriloquist decides to have some fun with him. He says to the Indian, "How does your dog over there like it on the farm?" The Indian replies, "Dog not talk." The ventriloquist throws his voice and the dog says, "He doesn't give me enough water." The Indian is amazed. Next, the ventriloquist asks, "What about those chickens? Are you treating them any better?" The Indian replies, "Chickens not talk." The chickens then speak up, "He doesn't feed us enough." Again, the Indian is shocked.

The ventriloquist then looks over to the pen where the sheep are kept. As he starts to ask about the sheep, the Indian shouts, "Sheep lie!!!!!"

 

[Emeraldtryst]

A farmer had been attempting to breed some offspring out of his sheep but had no idea how to go about it. So he went to go see the local veterinarian to ask how he could get things moving.


The doctor said that nature will run it's course. "You'll know if any of your sheep are pregnant if they are lying in the field the morning after"

So this farmer...not being the smartest of men loaded all of his sheep into his large pickup truck and drove them to a nearby pasture where he proceded to fuck each and every one of them.

He stumbled home extremely exhausted and collapsed into his bed next to his wife. When morning came he ran to the window to see if any of his sheep were laying down...not a single one was.

He resolved to try harder...so he loaded his sheep back into the pickup and drove to the same pasture and proceded to fuck each of his animal lovers twice.

Again he collapsed into bed barely able to walk. In the morning he limped over to the window (still sore from his adventures) to see that his efforts had failed once again.

His final plan would be to take each of them 3 times and pray that he would be blessed this time. So he did just that...and nearly died on his drive back to his house. He crawled his way into bed and was unable to move even as the morning sun shone brightly on his face.

He asked his wife if any of the sheep were laying down in the field to which she replied: "No...but they're all in your pickup and one of them is beeping the horn!"

 

[Siren]

Hahaha WD

 

[Debbie]

Quote by beauchampd

"We australians know a bit about sheep, but for those loving questions we always bow to the new zealanders, they invented the velcro gloves for there farmers. lol"



And I thought that all New Zealanders owned a pair of gumboots to put the sheeps feet in to stop them getting away? Never seen no fancy pants velcro glovey thingies!

And ya know when the doing ain't doing who it's supposed to the sheep farmer yells? It ain't get in behind, it's get it's behind


Sheesh, all them auzzies and they still can't get it right!

PS As a New Zealander I object strongly to the use and abuse of our second most well known export, sheep! Ooooh does that make them second hand or de virginised meat?

 

[Mr. Bootie]

Debbie Dear

You slay me. lol


kgboot

 

[Debbie]

Oh my God, I have killed kgboot. Someone call 111 I mean 911 in America.

Damnit I'll have to perform CPR


Kgboot can you hear me? I was kidding about the sheep it's the cows man the cows. Did you eat the sheep? Can you hear me?


*Performing CPR* 1, 2, 3, ... breathe*

"Hey I can see you looking at my tata's! Well it was a great way to be revived anyway"

 

[Shy Tall Guy]

Quote by beauchampd

And ya know when the doing ain't doing who it's supposed to the sheep farmer yells? It ain't get in behind, it's get it's behind


Sheesh, all them auzzies and they still can't get it right!

PS As a New Zealander I object strongly to the use and abuse of our second most well known export, sheep! Ooooh does that make them second hand or de virginised meat?

This photo says all you need to know about Kiwis and their livestock.

 

[Debbie]

Ahhh forgive me if I'm wrong but I thought was Osama bin Ladens wife?

And oh yeah to you!

"Have you heard that osama and his wife are getting a divorce?
Everytime she opens up to him he sees Bush?"

Did that change the subject or what?

Pssst you wanna watch them kiwis I,ve heard they are all mad!!!




"My Kind of Crazy
When we booked our month in New Zealand the travel agent asked why we weren't going to Australia, as though New Zealand is somewhere you only go after you have 'done' Australia. I thought about being politically correct, I thought about how ignorant I can be about other cultures, and about my tendency to over-simplify. Then I thought about the Fosters adverts. "The people", I said. (When asked the same question in New Zealand I modified this to "The spiders", which is equally true for me: there are a lot of Australian tourists in New Zealand.)

Actually I was pleasantly surprised by the Kiwis, who I had (entirely unfairly) pegged as being only a couple of rungs up the culture ladder from the Aussies, though with better beer. I had no idea, did I? The beer is better. And the people are wonderful. Kiwi hospitality made me depressingly aware that a lot of Brits (or perhaps just the southern English) are unhelpful, irritable gits. By the end of the holiday I had taken to referring to my fellow countrymen as 'whingeing poms' and cheering on the All Blacks in the rugby (though that was really just a matter of survival, as the Kiwis take their rugby very seriously and we were a bit worried about having to fake Scottish accents and lie about our country of origin in the highly unlikely event that the All Blacks had lost to England while we were there).

As well as being friendly, helpful and open-minded, New Zealanders are also mad, in the best possible way. They have a fabulous country, and while during their serious moments they pass some remarkably sensible laws to keep it that way, they spend their time off thinking up new crazy ways to experience all that natural grandeur. Most of these ways involve some combination of freefalling, getting wet and being in a certain amount of physical danger.

Imagine, for instance, that you have a perfect U-shaped valley high in the mountains (and they have a lot of these). You string the strongest steel cable you can find between the two highest points on either side of said valley. Then you hang another cable from the middle. From the bottom of that cable you hang a six-foot long flat bit of metal with a hovercraft engine at the back and a pair of handlebars on the front, to control the angle of the engine. You lie face down on the bit of metal, strap yourself in and start the engine. Then you get them to winch you up the side of the valley, let go and before you can say "Ohhh shit" you're in a 500 foot high version of the toy-plane-on-a string that you may remember from your youth. They call it fly-by-wire and once you get the hang of the steering (rather like a Harley Davidson), it is jolly good fun. Provided, of course, that you don't get vertigo, and you manage to forget that only a thin steel cable saves you from becoming a brightly coloured splot on the pristine landscape below.

In and around Queenstown, the mad sports capital of the world, adrenalin is a way of life. On one day we took a four-wheel drive ride up Skippers canyon (an experience in itself -- the single track, unsealed road is carved into a near vertical cliff in places, and normal car insurance simply doesn't cover you on it) to go on the 'Flying Fox'. (Despite flying you face down over a 300 foot drop, this a variation on the bos'n's chair is considered quite 'tame' by Kiwi standards for the above reasons of not getting wet/being in freefall/risking death.)

Our journey was interrupted by a herd of several thousand sheep (a fairly common occurrence in the south island) and as we weren't going anywhere, the driver of our jeep got out for a chat with the farmer while the sheep milled past. Then we carried on to the narrowest point of the canyon, where Dave and I did our 'wussy' Flying Fox, and some of the others in the jeep meet up with the Shotover jetboat (jetboat=mad speed boat), or did the 'Pipeline' bungee jump. After a while I noticed that we had been joined by the farmer, plus a number of similarly weather-beaten younger chaps also wearing shorts, heavy boots and checked shirts. I said hello, because people do say hello to strangers in New Zealand. Then I noticed that a couple of the farmer types were going out onto the pipeline (actually a rather precarious suspended footbridge built over an old water pipe).

"Those some of your blokes?" I said to the farmer.

"That's right," he replied, "this is their first week working for me."

I looked puzzled.

He smiled, having realised that I'm not from round these parts. "Well, sometimes I buy a few beers for the new'uns, but this time of year we're up the top end of the canyon, and it's a long way into town. So I just buy 'em a bungee jump instead."

Quite.

Even the food is mad. Actually it's fresh and tasty but there is a mad amount of it. It took me a while to work out that an added advantage of high-energy, high adrenalin sports lifestyle is that you can eat loads without getting fat: I never did see a fat New Zealander. I did see (and eat) geothermally cooked prawns, at a place with the fantastically tasteless byline of "Meet 'em, greet 'em and eat 'em", and lots of sushi, which is gloriously cheap there. I found, almost by instinct, a restaurant called 'Death by Chocolate' which lived up to it's name: in fact one of the most 'extreme' experiences of the holiday was our attempt to get through a selection plate of assorted chocolate puddings the size of a small rowing-boat. We probably shouldn't have had dinner first.

New Zealanders occasionally manage to combine mad food and mad sport. In my desire to try New Stuff I decided to order 'Sea egg' whilst in Napier (a lovely place which is rather like a English 1930s seaside town, but with better weather and terrifyingly unsafe beaches). I asked our waitress at the seaside café where we were dinning what a sea egg actually was. "Well," she admitted, "I've never actually eaten them, as I'm not really into seafood. But I have free-dived for them. They're about this big," she indicated something the size of a football, "and they're black and covered in spines." After that I just had to try it. It was as horrible as it sounded.

My last encounter with a Kiwi on their native soil was with a chap at Christchurch airport who asked how we had liked his country. We enthused at him about various things we had done.

"D'you do the bungee?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied proudly.

"Which one?" he asked.

"Kawarau bridge." I said, "the original one." (assuming, incorrectly, that being in his sixties he might not know this).

"What," says he, "the little one?" I nod, though a 140 foot drop into a fast flowing river did not seem all that little to me at the time. "You want to try Nevis. Highest jump in the country. I've done it twice."

Guess I'll have to do it too, next time.

--Jaine Weddell



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[kiwiwolf]

Aussies and sheep...

A recent upsurge in the Australian economy saw the price of sheep rise to $25.95 per hour...

You can't get virgin wool in Australia because the shepherds are quicker than the sheep...

Aussies gave the term a good feed of mutton a whole new meaning...

Seriously boys and girls, the Aussies are pretty hard done by when it comes to sheep shagging jokes. Most of them are social commentary and not intended to be humourous.

Debbiexxx, nice shots taken there. Keep the Southern Cross flying.