She Allowed the Seduction

[TabooTeller]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=106824

Hey, my first story finally is listed.
I would definitely like comments please. All comments. It is listed as non-consent but there is consent sex going on also.
First I want to say that I believe the title is not the best but its the best I could come up with. I am sure it could use some work with the writing but I think its not bad.

TabooTeller

 

[janenycgirl]

Read the story ( 3 parts )
i found it strinkingly "familiar"
..........¿ d'eja vu

 

[TabooTeller]

Read the story ( 3 parts )
i found it strinkingly "familiar"
..........¿ d'eja vu

Thats not surprising, the basic idea has been used many times. The anal part I thought would be somewhat unusual.


TabooTeller

 

[hiddenself]

I found the story mediocre at best.

The plot is certainly tired but the anal/non-consent part was a good twist. On the other hand, the last page and a half of husband/wife talk is simply too crude and superficial. There are a bunch of mistakes of story plot and setting throughout -- sloppy writing and careless (or, non-existent) editing?

Your writing is also problematic at times. There are some fatal (fortunately few) grammar and syntax errors, but your main problem seems to be ambiguous or incorrect sentence structure and punctuation trouble.

All in all, a sloppy effort IMO. It could have benefited a lot from you putting it aside for a week or two and taking it up later for another round of writing and editing.

Specifics:

Tony stood where he had frozen in shock in the doorway to their living room.

I would use a dash between "shock" and "in." I'm not sure if this is exactly right, but you need *some* punctuation mark there:
Tony stood where he had (was?) frozen in shock--in the doorway to their living room.

Or, perhaps,
Tony stood frozen in shock in (at?) the doorway to their (the?) living room.

I think that "their" is grammatically incorrect, since it has nothing to refer to in this sentence or a previous one. But literary license may be applicable here.

She was draped on her stomach, over a red and blue futon,...

First off, the comma is superflous.

Then, "draped" may not be the word you want here. It usually has something to do with fold-like configuration (often "drape around" something). The way I read this, she is kneeling on the floor, bent over the futon. That's not "draped."

the front part of her feet...

You mean the toes only?
Or, the front half of her soles?

The futon had been arrange so that he had...

Arranged.

You mean that the futon was rearranged (ie, was not at its usual place)?
Or that it was arranged for the express purpose of him having a good view?
That's what this sentence means but not what you might have intended.

You probably need something like:
The futon was facing the door, so he had...

But then, it would be impossible for him to "have a great shot" of his wife's asshole. In fact, no matter how the futon was placed, with the man behind her, it would be impossible for Tony to have such a view. You can see that stuff in porn movies but the director has a close-up camera there for the viewers' satisfaction.

Later, the wife's lover will get up, go *around* the futon and escape through the door. But isn't that the same door that Tony came through? Your setting is messed up.

and going with Mary...
Going out?

He recalled that she had taken two showers since the last time they had had sex but there was a film covering part of her leg with none above that one spot...

How long ago was that? That's a very awkward way for making him suspicious. The timeline is just too damn confusing.

...to her make up...
One word: makeup.

Then I can't wait till then either.
And then: "I can't wait till then either."

Had it gone sour without him realizing, or was he spending too much time at work? That may have been why he had forgotten an important insurance form his boss had told him to fill out.

Huh? He had forgotten the form because he was spending too much time at work? I know what you intended, but that's not what *this* sentence means.

First you talk about "the honeymoon room" and the wedding dress off and the nightgown. Then, you go on to "the wedding night." Is this the same instance? Different? I'm confused.

"Let loose a (primal) screem" is a phrase that you're overfond of.

Its Tony, my husband.
It's.

"Your not going anywhere yet."
You're.

[clothes] were laying
Lying.

was greatly horny, ...
Greatly? Perhaps, "very"?

First she says that she had sex with her lover nine times, then later it's five. Get the story straight, will you?


And that's where I give up. I scanned it to the end and it doesn't get any better. Too many things are wrong in this story -- mostly little things, but their cumulative effect is deadly.

 

[TabooTeller]

I found the story mediocre at best.

The plot is certainly tired but the anal/non-consent part was a good twist. On the other hand, the last page and a half of husband/wife talk is simply too crude and superficial. There are a bunch of mistakes of story plot and setting throughout -- sloppy writing and careless (or, non-existent) editing?

Yeah, I know its been used a lot but some still like it.


I will not answer everything from the rest of the comments but here are some thoughts.

all this only partually surprises me. I did go over a couple of times. I do know the difference between your and your're but sometimes I still miss them, I used greatly because I wanted to use a different word than very. And I did try to change all the fives to nines when I decided to change the nuamber of meetings.

As to him seeing her anus while she is bent over the futon, I meant that he was viewing it from one side, in my mind I can picture the view he had but obviously I didn't say it right. I am learning and will hopefully do better next time.

TabooTeller

 

[Pure]

HS,

While there's provocation, I find some statements excessive, to the point of inaccuracy; to wit:

Tony stood frozen in shock in (at?) the doorway to their (the?) living room.

I think that "their" is grammatically incorrect, since it has nothing to refer to in this sentence or a previous one. But literary license may be applicable here.

Presumably you are not familiar with cataphora

http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOfLinguisticTerms/WhatIsCataphora.htm


She was draped on her stomach, over a red and blue futon,...

First off, the comma is superflous.

Then, "draped" may not be the word you want here. It usually has something to do with fold-like configuration (often "drape around" something). The way I read this, she is kneeling on the floor, bent over the futon. That's not "draped."

It's perfectly good English to speak of "a flag draped over a coffin.'
Folding is not exactly the concept.

While the phrase 'on her stomach' is inexact, the 'superfluous'
comma is not so. Try reading without it.

The sentence might be better,
"She was draped, stomach downward, over a red and blue futon."

I agree there are many faults, some sloppy. Your devotion to finding them is admirable.

J.

 

[weed]

I'll let the others nit-pick the grammar and syntax. That's something I think you either get more careful with in time, or you get someone who doesn't mind helping out with some editing.

I actually read the story a few days ago when browsing New Stories and thought it was better than most of the typical non-consent I've seen. Bringing more background in with flashbacks helps to keep it interesting.

That thought brought him to the present as he saw something that really shocked and infuriated him even more. The man stuck a finger into that her anus.

This threw me a bit because you stated what he did and then proceeded to describe it. Somehow the statement of what it was that shocked him took away from the description...like...I already knew what he did.

The nine or five times kind of distracted me from the story. I know it's easy to overlook things when you've read and re-read your story many times but that's the kinds of incongruencies that catch my eye.

Though I appreciated the insight into the couple's attitudes towards each other when all was said and done the conversation at the end seemed a little lengthier than it needed to be. I also questioned her reporting of her "5 times" to her him. Seemed to matter of fact.

Overall, I think a good effort and a decent read.

 

[TabooTeller]

I'll let the others nit-pick the grammar and syntax. That's something I think you either get more careful with in time, or you get someone who doesn't mind helping out with some editing.

I actually read the story a few days ago when browsing New Stories and thought it was better than most of the typical non-consent I've seen. Bringing more background in with flashbacks helps to keep it interesting.

Tabooteller- Thank you, actually the non-consent part was kinda secondary. I wanted it to be a cheating wife get found out story.





This threw me a bit because you stated what he did and then proceeded to describe it.

TabooTeller- I need to look that over again, supposedly I can fix it and resubmit it, which I will try to do.


Though I appreciated the insight into the couple's attitudes towards each other when all was said and done the conversation at the end seemed a little lengthier than it needed to be.

TabooTeller- It may have been actually, there was probably a better way to add that but I wasn't sure how.

I also questioned her reporting of her "5 times" to her him. Seemed to matter of fact.

TabooTeller- I tried to add descriptions of body language to fight that or have the character use a certain tone of voice, which is why I seem have my characters looking down, and speaking in soft voices a lot, but I can look that over too.
Thank you for the commenst and reading it. I hope to have another story submitted at the beginning of next week and then a third submitted by the end of the week. If They allow me to that soon. One is completly different and one is the same type of story but longer with more sex and maybe a surprise ending. To some it might be anywaya.

TabooTeller



Overall, I think a good effort and a decent read.

 

[TabooTeller]

OK I fixed a couple of things, redid a few sentences, and resubmitted my story. Hopefully in the correct way. After I resubmitted it I realized that I had forgotten a couple couple of things some readers had brought up. Rats but I have already resubmitted it once and I don't want to clog them up too much with my stuff. esp if I can submit two more stories this week.

I forgot about trying to change the matter of fact way she states how many times she and her lover had sex. A mis used words were missed to but over all I hope its better.



TabooTeller

 

[hiddenself]

Tony stood frozen in shock in (at?) the doorway to their (the?) living room.

Presumably you are not familiar with cataphora
http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOfLinguisticTerms/WhatIsCataphora.htm


She was draped on her stomach, over a red and blue futon,...

The way I read this, she is kneeling on the floor, bent over the futon. That's not "draped."

It's perfectly good English to speak of "a flag draped over a coffin.'
Folding is not exactly the concept.

While the phrase 'on her stomach' is inexact, the 'superfluous'
comma is not so. Try reading without it.

I hold my ground on the first one. You still need the word "their" to refer to something in the same sentence (either word or phrase).

"Cataphora" = the use of a grammatical substitute (as a pronoun) that has the same reference as a following word or phrase.
[Webster's definition]

Where is that something here? Obviously, the implied Tony and his wife, but that's simply not good enough and not covered by the definition of cataphora. In fact, there's nothing until the end of the paragraph that explains the usage of "their."

I yield on the second one. Although... "draped (on her stomach) over the futon" simply doesn't sound right in my ears. And if you do look up the definition of "drape," you'll find a strong connection with "fold(s)."


I know. Picky picky picky.



PS to TT:
...but he had a great shot of her anus, that sweet brown puckered opening...
Even from the side, he can't be seeing the opening, can he? Physically impossible.

 

[TabooTeller]

I hold my ground on the first one. You still need the word "their" to refer to something in the same sentence (either word or phrase).

"Cataphora" = the use of a grammatical substitute (as a pronoun) that has the same reference as a following word or phrase.
[Webster's definition]

Where is that something here? Obviously, the implied Tony and his wife, but that's simply not good enough and not covered by the definition of cataphora. In fact, there's nothing until the end of the paragraph that explains the usage of "their."

I yield on the second one. Although... "draped (on her stomach) over the futon" simply doesn't sound right in my ears. And if you do look up the definition of "drape," you'll find a strong connection with "fold(s)."


I know. Picky picky picky.


ME: Actually the draped was going to be one I had planed to redo, I remember thinking about it but I most have gotten sidetracked. However I know I have read stories with people being draped over something. Could be the word is a changing.

PS to TT:
...but he had a great shot of her anus, that sweet brown puckered opening...
Even from the side, he can't be seeing the opening, can he? Physically impossible.

ME: I can still see it in my mind. He is just behind the lover and to one side two or three feet, so he looking from a slight angle. That's the best I can describe it, (shoulder shrug) I might come up with a better one later.
TT

 

[TabooTeller]

Two things here:

Got a comment that mentioned the Orginism thing. I thought I had changed that when I redid the story. either I missed one or they won't able to read the editored version so did not change the story after all.

That brings me to my second point. I said I would be sending in my next story soon. So I am posting this. I have been trying to submit another story, two actually now, and I have not been able to. Evidently I can not remember the format I used to send the first story. I thought I had saved a copy of the story with the correct format but I must have saved the wrong one. I am on my sixth attempt to send in one of the two new stories and the second attempt on the other story. We shall see since both stories are pending.
TabooTeller

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I didn't read the entire story, but my interest is more in the prose end of it anyhow, and not so much on plot and character and all that other more big-picture type stuff. I always figure that if the prose trips me up, I'm probably not going to make it to the end of the story anyhow.

For a first timer, it's pretty good. The grabber opening is an old device, but it can still be used successfully if you keep your focus on the action that's intended to grab us and don't immediately start hitting us with background information and memories and flashbacks. Keep it simple and keep it direct.

There's a lot of bewildering anatomy in that first scene: him looking around asses and under bellies and over clits that I didn't quite understand. I think you were trying to make the scene vivid by describing exactly what he was seeing, but really: you come home and find your wife fucking some guy and do you really start looking to see where her clit is?

But the biggest problem with the prose isn't any one big thing I can put my finger on. It's a series of little things that just aren't quite right that start to feel awkward after awhile. Analyzing them one at a time wwould take an editor, someone who could go over them with you one by one, and this isn't the place for that

Here's an example:
------------------
As he stood there completely in shock a small corner of his mind was analyzing the situation. Tony knew, from his years of experience fucking her that she was approaching a climax, not close yet but definitely headed toward one. From the wetness of the back of her thighs and from the smell in the air he was sure she had already had a climax. That same part of his mind was analyzing his feelings. There was shock, anger, hurt, something which was almost rage and surprisingly enough at the same time he was getting turned on. This was the most sensuous thing he had ever seen. He had watched pornos a time or two, but this out did them. Watching the guy' s dick pull out from his wife' s center of pleasure, seeing how it separated the slit' s lips, then pushing back in, then hearing her groan was the biggest turn on ever.
-----------------
Okay, glossing over the fact that if he were completely in shock then there would not have been any small corner of his mind available to analyze the situation ("frozen in shock" would have solved that), we come to his having known something "from his years of experience fucking her." I dont know. I just don't think that years of fucking someone comprise "experience" The word's just not right. It makes it sound like fucking her's been his job.

Now: "From the wetness of the back of her thighs and from the smell in the air he was sure she had already had a climax." I dont know how wetness on the backs of her thighs indicates she'd orgasmed, nor how in the world he could smell her climax in the air. It's am imteresting idea--maybe even an erotic one--but I'll bet it just makes the reader's eyebrows go up a little in surprise.

Then we're told thatthis was the "sensuous" thing he'd ever seen. I think you must mean "sexually arousing". "Sensual" means appealing directly to the senses, usually the sense of touch. Again, it's not totally wrong, but it's just a little off.

Then--and remember, this is a grabber scene. This is where you want us to be standing there with him in shock--you bring in the fact that he'd seen porno's before. There's nothing wrong with telling us this, but in the midst of this shocking scene for him to compare this scene to porno films is just a little weird.

And finally, his concluding thought in the paragraph is that "this is the biggest turn on ever". I can't even tell you why that strikes me as odd. I would have been fine had you said "it was the most exciting thing he'd even seen in his life" or "he found himself terrifically aroused". But to see your wife getting fucked by a stranger and to call it a "turn-on" (even if it is)... There's just something weird about it.

I don't want you to think that I'm nit-picking you to death, it's just that these things aren't really even errors, just odd usages, and the only way to describe why they're odd is to look at them one by one.

But as I said, as a beginner I think you have a lot of promise and a lot of native skill. I think you would benefit greatly from working with an editor who can put his finger on these oddities and point them out. They could even actually turn out to be a strength.

---dr.M.




You do a number of curious things in your writing

 

[TabooTeller]

Sorry I took so long to answer this, I forgot about it for a few days,






There's a lot of bewildering anatomy in that first scene: him looking around asses and under bellies and over clits that I didn't quite understand. I think you were trying to make the scene vivid by describing exactly what he was seeing, but really: you come home and find your wife fucking some guy and do you really start looking to see where her clit is?>>

ME: I didn't mean to say he looked for it, it was supposed to be a bit of information for the reader. Maybe not really needed but I thought it would add to it.

But the biggest problem with the prose isn't any one big thing I can put my finger on. It's a series of little things that just aren't quite right that start to feel awkward after awhile. Analyzing them one at a time wwould take an editor, someone who could go over them with you one by one, and this isn't the place for that


Okay, glossing over the fact that if he were completely in shock then there would not have been any small corner of his mind available to analyze the situation ("frozen in shock" would have solved that),>>

ME: You do have a point there, now that you point it out I should have seen it.



we come to his having known something "from his years of experience fucking her." I dont know. I just don't think that years of fucking someone comprise "experience" The word's just not right. It makes it sound like fucking her's been his job.

Now: "From the wetness of the back of her thighs and from the smell in the air he was sure she had already had a climax." I dont know how wetness on the backs of her thighs indicates she'd orgasmed, nor how in the world he could smell her climax in the air.

ME: From what I have read in many other stories woman, at least in those stories, have their juices flood out, or ejectualate, when they cum. I was just going along with what seems to be a characteristic for this type of story. The same thing with the smell. I have read stories where men, or anyone for that matter, are supposed to be able to smell sex. I don't know in real life how much the average guy would smell under those circumstances but it seem to fit with hat is included in these stories many times.


It's am interesting idea--maybe even an erotic one--but I'll bet it just makes the reader's eyebrows go up a little in surprise.

Then we're told thatthis was the "sensuous" thing he'd ever seen. I think
you must mean "sexually arousing". "Sensual" means appealing directly to the senses, usually the sense of touch. Again, it's not totally wrong, but it's just a little off.


I have seen that word mean sexual arousing. It could be that many misuse it or that it is in the process of changing.

Then--and remember, this is a grabber scene. This is where you want us to be standing there with him in shock--you bring in the fact that he'd seen porno's before. There's nothing wrong with telling us this, but in the midst of this shocking scene for him to compare this scene to porno films is just a little weird.

And finally, his concluding thought in the paragraph is that "this is the biggest turn on ever". I can't even tell you why that strikes me as odd. I would have been fine had you said "it was the most exciting thing he'd even seen in his life" or "he found himself terrifically aroused". But to see your wife getting fucked by a stranger and to call it a "turn-on" (even if it is)... There's just something weird about it.>>

ME:Again I was using a characteristic used in many of this type of story. I maybe using the wrong word, characteristic, here but at the moment I can't think of a better one. I have read many such stories and most have the husband getting turned on by watching his wife have sex.

I don't want you to think that I'm nit-picking you to death, it's just that these things aren't really even errors, just odd usages, and the only way to describe why they're odd is to look at them one by one.>>

ME: That could be in some places. I do have my own way of thinking at times and at the same time I, subconsciously, try to add what I see in other stories of the same type.

But as I said, as a beginner I think you have a lot of promise and a lot of native skill. I think you would benefit greatly from working with an editor who can put his finger on these oddities and point them out. They could even actually turn out to be a strength.>>


ME: Thank you. and I have tried two maybe three editors. Two disappeared on me and I think a third one never responded when I sent a request for editing.

TabooTeller