Sharing

[therodoggswife]

Please give me your thoughts on the following:

My SO and I have been together for 12 years and every once and a while he brings up wanting to have a threesome. We have done it once and I did not like it at all. I feel that if he is going to be with me he should only want to be with me. By him saying that he wants to add someone else into the mix make me feel that I am not enough for him. He keeps saying that is not the case. I know I am the very jealous type and do not play well with others. Even as a child. I know I am probably beening selfish. When we did do the threesome it was with another female and she did not touch him but it still made me uncomfortable. We have been talking and I have told him I would not mind using a strap-on on someone else but I will not want him to be touched or touch the other person. How does everyone else deal with being in poly situations?

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Oh boy.. a serious can of worms.

The only thing I can tell you is that if you can't do it, then you can't do it. If he's got to have it and you can't tolerate it then maybe you guys need to rethink the whole thing.

Now I'm not saying you and your SO trash the entire relationship based on this one issue but I do suggest you two seriously talk things out and try to find some sort of compromise and barring that.. find out for whom the issue is a deal breaker. If he knew you didn't like sharing before the relationship was serious or shortly thereafter, then he has no gripe coming. However you DID open the door by consenting to the first time.

This is one of those issues where no matter what I or anyone else says, you're gonna have to figure this one out for yourself.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you come to.

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I went thro this with my man just few months ago... He always wanted this, another women in our bed. He was intrested in this way too much for a man whos in a serious relatioship. Guess he's just like that and maybe cannot help it. All he did was usualy just about sex, cannot say it made the pain any less for me tho.

Once he live with me, so i always expected him to be just mine what didn't work very well i must say. He love women way too much, and i must say i hate all those who he like that much. Wannabe friends who would fuck him anytime, damn bitches!

We are together for a long time now, so we somehow get to the point where i was finaly willing to give it a try. Threesome was always one of phantasies of mine, but i am not sure if i could really do that with man i love so much, prolly not.

For the threesome he wanted woman i wanted a man. Actualy i laff into his face when he told me he want one more woman, i told him you cannot handle me and you want one more, LOL?!! Well he wanted it and i wanted give it to him however i wasn't sure if that's a really good idea.

I never had sex with woman, but i am bi curious, so i said yes and he was so excited about it. He made us a profile on amateur porn site and made a request we are looking for a woman for a threesome.

Things worked out we found a young couple who liked us and wanted have sex with us which was actualy better than just a woman and for a while we really wanted meet them, but when it get to the point we should finaly go for it we give up.

I asked my man why he canceled our meet with those peeps. He told me "you wouldn't handle see another woman touching me" and i prolly wouldn't yes. I could do this with some strangers i dunno personaly, but with my man it would be just too damn hard plus i don't really think he would enjoy see me cuming with another man either, it just wasn't smart to do this and we both realised it in time. I really think it could separate me and him once for ever. He thought so too and wasn't willing to take the risk, none of us was willing to take the risk cuz of a while of a pleasure.

I saw my man once with another woman who was just kissing him. He get the bigest slap ever from me and i usualy do not act like this....cannot imagine i would watch another woman touching his naked body, i would beat the shit outta her prolly or i would just run away crying like a lil child.

This is a tough decision really. When you love someone so much and the conection bewteen you and him is so deep, you should think very well before you agree with something like this.

Think of yourself atm, not about your man. Ask yourself a question how you would feel if that was actualy happening. I think you already know the answear....

If you feel like it would hurt you emotionaly, as it prolly would i think, don't do it. Even if you did it just to make your man happy, as i wanted, don't do it. It's not smart to do so, any nobody, i say NOBODY should force you to do things which could emotionaly damage you!

If your man loves you, he will understand. Be honest to him and tell him how you feel about this whole stuff. I think men take this not so persoanly as we women. For them it might really be just sex, but for women i think its always more than just a sex. They just fuck another hole, we get often emotionaly involved.

I understand your man wanna try this. It's exciting to think he would have two women sucking his cock at the same time etc etc. Same as i find exciting if i had two or three man fucking me at the same time. It's a good to do so in a phantasy, in real life you gota think about all the plus and minus tho before you decide to give it a try.

Me and my man had never really good sex i would say , it's nice but not satisfying for me. Guess me and him just don't mesh well in our likes and dislikes, however i never mind this and would never leave him just cuz i am not sexualy satisfied. I think there are more important things in relationship than physical pleasure.

I am not saying i would stay with him if we didn't have sex at all! Well i did stay with him for a long time when he deny to give me sex for years, but i am not so stupid to do it again. I have my needs and i need them met, at least as much as possible. So atm we do have sex now and then, not what i dream about, but dreams not often come true so i am okay with what i have. His body next to mine and his arms willing to hold me tight and keep me safe while i sleep is all i need from him, fuck my orgams, i can have that on my own if i want too. What i cannot give myself tho is some human warm. I dunno be without that at all.

There were times when i was not allowed to have even his hugs when we was together, so i am very happy i can enjoy them now. All i need and want from him. Knowing he's there and usualy always willing to let me slip into his arms when i go to bed. I cuddle to him as close as possible and i am happy.

When he wanna have have sex with me we have it, when he don't want it we just sleep, i don't mind really. I was on sex diet with him for something what feels like ages now, so i am okay with having very less of sex. I would like to have much more of course, oh well, i enjoy what i have. And his hugs are enough to keep me happy by his side.

I dunno how your sexual life with your man works? Always think of yourself and don't do things just cuz of him, it's just not right. He should respect how you feel about it. If you feel like you cannot or don't wanna do it, then DON'T!! And do not feel bad if you feel like you cannot give him what he long for!

You and him are in serious relationship i guess? Well let him realise he's no gigolo whos allowed to have more than one woman. If he don't like it, well then maybe he's not ready to be in serious relatioship. If he want a serious relationship, he should understand that prolly every woman will want him just for herself, my man had to learn this too.

He used to think he can have a woman and still fuck others and think the woman will be still nice to him and wait for him and dont tell him he's doing somthing bad. Well every woman to who he did it kicked his ass in few weeks. I was kinda nerdy, so i let him do this to me for a long long time (bitch is lucky i love him so much).

Well we split, not cuz of me, but he found another. He tryed live this way, but none of the women he had was willing to tolerate it, so time brought he back to me. I took him back, but i told him what the rules are. Once more he cheat on me and i will leave him.

I think thats what relatioships are all about. To have the special someone just for yourself. We are not looking for men in hope we will let them fuck another women as times go on, no fukin way, we want them to long for us and us only!

In movies you can see this alot, threesome etc etc, but they are just actors, no real feelings in it. Do this in real life its a bit harder i think, eventho i am sure some slaves on this board would serve their master's this way if they was asked to share their pussies or to do something like that.

This is something different tho, at least for me. And again, its about both sides to agree on this. If someone go for it, he agreee with it and enjoy that. I don't really think you would enjoy it to be honest, same as i wouldn't, not with my man.

With my master prolly yes, what might sound weird, but i have a very strong need to satisfy my master no matter what he would ask me for. If he bring another woman to our play time i would respect that and do what i was told, however i would be still hurting emotionaly real bad.

When i think of this i see him having another women at the same time as me as some kind of hars punishment, nuthing else. I would do it, but i would suffer like a dog emotionaly the whole time. My master knows it and understand it as well, so i know he would never drag me thro this. I know this cuz i know he would never hurt me, he loves me.

I dunno share what i think it's mine. I am like that and i am not ashamed for it. I expect alot from my partner or master, but i give alot back, so it think it's fair + i do not force anyone to be with me or like the way i am. Or they like it and respect it or not, then we cannot be together. Simple as that.

I wish you a good choice with ur decision!! Hope your man will understand no matter how you will decide

 

[northwoods_sub]

To paraphrase Chris if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. There is nothing that can be said here that is going to change that.

In our life it works. My Husband/PYL and I have been together for 7 years. I am bi so if and when we have someone else in our relationship with us it meets needs for both of us. He gets to have two women at the same time, and I get to have my desire for intimacy with a woman met.
Having him bring someone home to share is better than him going off and having sex with someone else behind my back. This has been my view since day one with Him probably because I have been cheated on in the past and felt that at least if I was involved then I would know who he was with instead of wondering where I stood.

Of course it just gets me completely hot watching his dominate and have sex with someone else so to each their own I guess.

 

[HB1965]

I'm going to preface this by saying that is my way of doing things not anyone elses. You have to make you own decision about what feels best for you.

To me it's about trust in your partner. I have no problem with having a threesome with another man or woman with my partner because it's something we would do together. Something that we would decide on together that would be part of enjoying each other and who we are. I've been in a threesome as that person who was the addition, and it wasn't an unpleasant experience by any means. The couple I was with was very appreciative of me sharing myself with them. They have remained friends ever since even thought we weren't together after that one experience. If I am going to it with a partner I believe it has to be what we both want and about adding variety and fun to our life together

Again I think you have to make your own decision about what feels right to you.

 

[DeservingBitch]

I don't know how everyone else in poly situation do it, but here are a few thoughts from my own perspective and experience:

Being self-reflective about my own needs, desires, and insecurities is IMO the most important thing to make a relationship work, be it poly or monogamous. This means accepting that your feelings (jealousy, insecurity, etc.) are real and that whether or not they are intelligible to your partner do not make them less real or make you less entitled to feel that way. But it also means questioning those feelings, trying to understand where they are coming from. In other words, going a little bit deeper in your reflection than just saying 'I feel jealous when I see my partner with someone else, and it makes me feel insecure'. Those feelings are real for sure, but they are not the end of the story.

Often, I've found that the real issue for me was that I was insecure about being loved/desired by my partner, and it translated into jealousy toward other people s/he was involved with. I should mention that I do not believe that romantic love is much different than parental or platonic/friendship love, that is, I do not believe that my partner loving/desiring someone else means that s/he loves me less. So when feelings of jealousy or insecurity come up, I usually try to figure out what is it that makes me feel insecure about being loved/desired by my partner. It may be that I need my partner to give me more of their time. It may be that I need my partner to do a better job at making me feel desired and loved - those little things and actions that usually mean much more than just saying 'of course I love you honey'. Or it may mean that I need to do some work on myself to let go of my desire for certainty and have faith in my partner, our relationship, and above all else, in myself. Because at the end of the day, I need to trust that no matter what happens, I'm bigger than all of it and I have the ability, resilience, and strengh to survive and move forward.

One of my favorite book and one that has helped me a lot in thinking about those issues of love and relationship is "Liquid Love" by Zygmunt Bauman. Not the most easy read, but worth the brain work.

 

[somberReality]

Oh boy.. a serious can of worms.

The only thing I can tell you is that if you can't do it, then you can't do it. If he's got to have it and you can't tolerate it then maybe you guys need to rethink the whole thing.

Now I'm not saying you and your SO trash the entire relationship based on this one issue but I do suggest you two seriously talk things out and try to find some sort of compromise and barring that.. find out for whom the issue is a deal breaker. If he knew you didn't like sharing before the relationship was serious or shortly thereafter, then he has no gripe coming. However you DID open the door by consenting to the first time.

This is one of those issues where no matter what I or anyone else says, you're gonna have to figure this one out for yourself.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you come to.

I have to agree here. The whole poly thing didn't go well with me but to each his/her own. Do what your gut tells you. If that means no, then no. If your SO doesn't accept that, then maybe it's time to move on.

 

[therodoggswife]

thanks

I wanted thank everyone for their coments

 

[CutieMouse]

Poly really is something you can either really really do, or really really not do, and a lot of the success depends on how everyone involved handles themselves.

You might try reading The Ethical Slut, keep talking, go slow, and see if you can work through the insecurities/jealousy/fears, but you may just not be wired to accept multiple partners.

 

[SubKekiLee]

For me I dont know if Poly would work... I am bisexual and I love the touch of woman and I love to see when my Dom makes a girl cum....as well as I like to watch her suck him and make him smile I dont know if I could do that long term though and let him love her as well.. For me their is a difference of sex and love.. when I have a threesome it isnt for love.. it is strictly for the act of sex.....and cumming..... as for being involved FT Id have to grow into that but someday it might happen, cause he said he would let me have a Girlfriend someday... and if that happens and we progress to living with one another we might get to be that way

 

[HottieMama]

It's not about being selfish or unselfish, it is about simply what works for you. If threesomes/polyamory do NOT work for you then be honest with him about it and give him the chance to decide if he wants to stay in the relationship or not. (As well as you deciding if you want to remain in it.)

 

[therodoggswife]

It definately would not be a permanent thing it would only be for sex.

 

[EmpressFi]

Poly really is something you can either really really do, or really really not do, and a lot of the success depends on how everyone involved handles themselves.

You might try reading The Ethical Slut, keep talking, go slow, and see if you can work through the insecurities/jealousy/fears, but you may just not be wired to accept multiple partners.

Poly is something you really have to think about. I'd recommend the book as well. Especially chapter 7 (Jealousy) You need to explore the issues you'll have with sharing your partner with someone else and their issues with sharing you... discuss the limits to the added parties.

For my husband and I.. we had about 2 years to discuss it before we actually started living it. And even then, it was more of a "sure.. go ahead..." At first the only rules were our marriage comes first and that nothing was hidden. If I had to hide a meeting with a partner, then that was cheating on my husband and not part of the poly relationship. We had to trust each other to be honest about our attractions to others.

Now that I think about it, I dont think those basic rules have changed While I still call myself polyamorous, I'm content with my two partners... my husband and my Master. While I could take other lovers.. as long as they're both aware of the situation, I dont have any interest in any.

so.. to sum up.. I agree..communicate..talk talk talk..and then talk some more.. if you have questions.. PM me if you want..

 

[northwoods_sub]

For me I dont know if Poly would work... I am bisexual and I love the touch of woman and I love to see when my Dom makes a girl cum....as well as I like to watch her suck him and make him smile I dont know if I could do that long term though and let him love her as well.. For me their is a difference of sex and love.. when I have a threesome it isnt for love.. it is strictly for the act of sex.....and cumming..... as for being involved FT Id have to grow into that but someday it might happen, cause he said he would let me have a Girlfriend someday... and if that happens and we progress to living with one another we might get to be that way

I have never tried a full-time poly relationship. We have had experience with the occasional extra partner, but I don't know if I could do a full time thing. Though my reasoning is slightly different from yours.
I have young sons at home, and even though I want them to feel comfortable with all different types of lifestyles I do not want them to be made to feel like their family is a weird or whatever. Not that I am saying it is weird, it just would not fit in with what is accepted in the area that we live.
If we were to have a full time extra partner it would have to be kept hidden and I am just not comfortable keeping who I am and who I care for hidden. Just wouldn't work for me.

(sorry if this didn't make sense, I am getting kind of tired)

 

[SubKekiLee]

I have never tried a full-time poly relationship. We have had experience with the occasional extra partner, but I don't know if I could do a full time thing. Though my reasoning is slightly different from yours.
I have young sons at home, and even though I want them to feel comfortable with all different types of lifestyles I do not want them to be made to feel like their family is a weird or whatever. Not that I am saying it is weird, it just would not fit in with what is accepted in the area that we live.
If we were to have a full time extra partner it would have to be kept hidden and I am just not comfortable keeping who I am and who I care for hidden. Just wouldn't work for me.

(sorry if this didn't make sense, I am getting kind of tired)

Well to be honest we both have kids, which is one of the many reasons we dont live together now. so i think if it progresses we will wait until the kids are grown and gone and then if we chose to live in a poly situation it would be different I wouldt want my kids knowing my private life they do not know about my D/s lifestyle as it is.... so IM with you on that matter

 

[Homburg]

Went poly for a bit. It was entirely unplanned and honestly accidental. "w" hit my life like a freight train, and I did the same with her. After some soul searching and a lot of talking with my wife, "v", she said she was okay with it. So we went ahead. Turns out "v" wasn't so okay with it, and we had some rough times because of it.

From a whole lot of talking, she honestly did not mind me having sex with another woman, either seperate or as part of a threesome. She had problems with me being in love with "w". Still does. It's an issue that she still hasn't completely resolved. She is mostly okay with it, but has bad days, best way to explain it.

The big things I will say is that you never know until you try. I woul dhave been the first guy to laugh at you if you'd suggested poly to me before I met "w". With her, however, it was just the most natural thing imaginable to me. So I would say that the right person might change your mindset, or that you might find it more enjoyable if it happens.

A lot of that depends on your attitude going in. If you tell yourself that you are going to hate it, you will hate it, period.

 

[CutieMouse]

It definately would not be a permanent thing it would only be for sex.

Ok, is he talking about poly in that he'd have one (or however many) partner(s) outside of you, and everyone would know about each other/there would be some sort of relationship there, even if you and she weren't buddies... or are you talking more about swinging, where he wants the freedom to hook up with other women for sex, and that's as far as things ever go?

I mean they have similar ******ts, but are kinda also vastly different concepts.

 

[therodoggswife]

sorry if I was not clear

It would be swinging more so than poly

 

[Chris_Xavier]

The best advise

is to simply go with your feelings. Plain and simple. Not one of us is in your shoes - we don't know all the circumstances revolving around your relationship and at the end of the day it will be YOU that has to deal with the consequences of your actions or inaction.

Personally, since I'm a guy the prospect of a fmf 3sum turns me on to no end; however the idea of a mfm threesum - even where I don't touch him or he touches me just bothers the crap out of me - however I did promise myself that if I was ever with a woman who gave me the "gift" of a fmf 3sum that I'd do my best to give her a mfm 3sum (oh boy I hope someone doesn't read this).

Maybe you can tell him what's good for the goose is good for the gander.. and maybe bluff your way out this. Since you've had a fmf.. tell him its time let you have yours. If he backs down.. then you've won - but that's a pretty risky game of poker you'd be playing and again.. I don't have to deal with the consequences if he calls your bluff - you do.

Seriously.. best of luck to you!

 

[Homburg]

Personally, since I'm a guy the prospect of a fmf 3sum turns me on to no end; however the idea of a mfm threesum - even where I don't touch him or he touches me just bothers the crap out of me - however I did promise myself that if I was ever with a woman who gave me the "gift" of a fmf 3sum that I'd do my best to give her a mfm 3sum (oh boy I hope someone doesn't read this).

I don't do that fairness jazz. Goose, gander, whatever. I'm the guy what holds the leash.

...


(Luckily "v" is largely uninterested in MFM, and is rather excited by FMF, so I get to posture on this and look cool. Rawr. )

 

[DeservingBitch]

It would be swinging more so than poly

I think that figuring out what exactly makes you uncomfortable about bringing in other people in your bedroom is the first step. Than, the next step is figuring out why exactly it makes you uncomfortable, and whether or not it is something that you can work through with your partner. Then, deciding whether or not you are ready and willing to invest the time and effort it would take to make it work for both of you.

As an example, I am not too fond of having sex with multiple partners in one setting, and jealousy has nothing to do with it. Even when all the attention is focused on me (which is the only dynamic acceptable to me), I'm too A.D.D. to be able to focus properly on everything that is going on, and it often becomes more annoying than anything else to me. But I have done it a few times to please a partner because it was something I could deal with, even if it is not a big turn on for me.

However, I have absolutely NO interest in a FFM setting where me and the other woman would be 'putting on a show' for the man in the room. I have to deal everyday with straight men seeing me and treating me as a free porn show when I'm out with a GF, there's no way I could ever be comfortable with making it part of my sexual life. So for me, any scenario coming close to this is a big NO.

It's really about figuring out what turns you on and off, and what you can deal with and not.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

I don't do that fairness jazz. Goose, gander, whatever. I'm the guy what holds the leash.

...


(Luckily "v" is largely uninterested in MFM, and is rather excited by FMF, so I get to posture on this and look cool. Rawr. )

I hold the leash too.. but I don't believe in being repressive.. which takes us back to my original piece of advise.. do what feels good for You and Yours.

 

[Bandit58]

Master Gil and I now have a regular female play partner. She has expressed an interest in bottoming with us too so we are looking forward to introducing her to some of our toys

I also have a lady who I see by myself with Master's blessing, encouragement and approval. As a bi woman who hid her sexuality for a very long time, I am so grateful to have found an understanding partner

We are a married couple with a very strong love for and commitment to each other. We are not interested in bringing other men into the mix (that includes husbands/bfs of potential partners). It is made clear to any ladies that He will not be having intercourse with them - He will kiss them, give them oral and use His fingers and toys but that is all. This is HIS choice. If His dick is out of His pants, I am the only one who will be having it, in any way She and I can play in any way we choose to.

I will admit to having a little pang of jealousy the first time I saw Him kiss another woman with passion. However I know He loves me deeply and if I ever felt badly about any of this then we would stop doing it immediately. I mean too much to Him for this to jeopardise our relationship. It is meant to enhance our lives not cause problems

 

[catalina_francisco]

It takes a lot of communication, and for some such as I, on-going communication with permission to raise it as a topic for discussion when I feel the need, and for everything to be totally open and done together. That being said, it also is not something which goes beyond sex play at this point, and I don't see it ever going beyond that though all things are possible, just maybe not always probable or perfect.

Another point which makes it easier for me to accept (even though it is far from something I am 100% happy with) is he is just as open to including another male as he is female or TG, so it is not about him getting something elsewhere that he can't get from me....in fact, I don't think that is the point for a lot of people but it seems that way when it is not your idea, or something you feel comfortable with. Being secure in what you have to offer, who you are, and what place you occupy in your SO's life help a lot. Talk, talk some more and don't do anything you do not feel comfortable with or at least able to survive emotionally if all does not go as you had hoped or planned.

Catalina