Shameless self whoring inside

[emap]

Well OK slight misnomer, I'm ashamed so ashamed.

Anyway I just put in my latest story recentish and well it's not really getting much readers, I can't decide if it's because I wrote or it's in erotic horror, not really horror though it's a mindfreak/what the heck was that type story.

So just in case there are more with big enough cajones to read it, I think I spelled that right, you can find it HERE.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well OK slight misnomer, I'm ashamed so ashamed.

Anyway I just put in my latest story recentish and well it's not really getting much readers, I can't decide if it's because I wrote or it's in erotic horror, not really horror though it's a mindfreak/what the heck was that type story.

So just in case there are more with big enough cajones to read it, I think I spelled that right, you can find it HERE.

Nothing wrong with the story, Emap. But Erotic Horror is sort of a dead catagory. I know. I've posted there.

 

[Epmd607]

Well OK slight misnomer, I'm ashamed so ashamed.

Anyway I just put in my latest story recentish and well it's not really getting much readers, I can't decide if it's because I wrote or it's in erotic horror, not really horror though it's a mindfreak/what the heck was that type story.

So just in case there are more with big enough cajones to read it, I think I spelled that right, you can find it HERE.

I didn't like the word "festooned" in your story. I think it means "ornamented" but I'm not sure, I'll look it up. I'll read the second and third page later. Is there are commenting live while you read thread anywhere? I'd love seeing someone destroy one of my silly stories minute by minute.

 

[emap]

Festooned is an older word, means more or less, adorned.

The only way to get something like that is to have somebody read it either on the phone or in person.

 

[viti]

cojones, but close enough. I'll check it out

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Well OK slight misnomer, I'm ashamed so ashamed.

Anyway I just put in my latest story recentish and well it's not really getting much readers, I can't decide if it's because I wrote or it's in erotic horror, not really horror though it's a mindfreak/what the heck was that type story.

So just in case there are more with big enough cajones to read it, I think I spelled that right, you can find it HERE.

I like your stuff, but this was a bit unedited and unfocused.

True, Erotic Horror, is a minority taste but, even so, IMHO you didn't build tension as well as you usually do and the conclusion fell a bit flat. You were a bit slow in developing things which might have promoted clickbacks.

 

[emap]

Huh who knew I have a fan, I'm all sorts of gobbersmacked.

Well actualy I know I have three, two people actually favorited me or one of my stories. Oh don't look at me like that they added in a recent activity thingy to the account page, I do go and check on occassion.

So now you would think perhaps i would know this by now but I posted yet another story to erotic horror, and well you guessed it not being read that much. I'm posting to this old thread on the first page cause well it's on the first page.

So come on show off those cojones, which so looks to be wrong spelling but I'll take your word for it and head on over HERE. Feedback would be nice.

 

[Firebrain]

I just read C1 - I rated it a three. My commenting style is usually quite blunt (after all, I'm about to advise you not to use too many words ) so don't take it personally. All meant in good spirit As it happens, my comments are mostly technical - a story which isn't quite constructed appropriately can make me stop reading within seconds.

I like what you're saying but the way you're saying it makes it hard to read. Your story is what I would call "thick" - it's twice as long as it should be and veeeery wordy. Does that make any sense? I'll try and find some examples:

Inside my room, well rooms there is a separate bathroom, a fact I giggle over as I look around. Overall it's a nice place, there is a kitchen with a nice stove and big fridge, great big old king size bed with a lovely dark blue bedding set. A TV is against the far wall with a loveseat before it, a cheapish stereo adorning the wall besides the doorway to the bathroom. The other side of the doorway is where the important thing is, a computer.

The stuff in her apartment isn't relevant to the story. You've said so yourself; the important thing is the computer. So, to condense:

Inside my room, well rooms there is a separate bathroom, a fact I giggle over as I look around. The other side of the doorway is where the important thing is, a computer.

(You're using a lot of commas where a dash or semi colon might be more appropriate. Have a google for them and play around; a story like yours could really benefit from the effects they create. Additionally, a lot of your commas are missing altogether so remember to fix those too).

His eyes get wide at my words then dart up and down me for a second before he smiles and begs me to stay for just a second.

You repeat yourself like this quite a lot (your ending line, for example).

I can't help but giggle

You know, if she keeps giggling like that, I'm going to end up punching her

I even began moving for his neck

Watch your tenses; you're in present, remember.

Somehow I manage to get him to the bed, his passion spilling out of me yet again, though that is a secondary concern. All of my thoughts consist of getting him to bed without anything taking a damaging spill.

We don't need to know if it's a secondary concern - like so many things, you can chop this. Also...why would a spill be damaging? Consider every line, every choice of words very carefully.

"Unless our memory has suffered a loss most dire, ...."

Would a character who uses this language go on to talk about hot man juice? That doesn't seem to fit for me.

I always end up chopping and changing about a third of what I've written or re-doing descriptions etc, especially to begin with. It gets a lot easier with further chapters.

Message me if you have any questions - I hope that's of some help.

 

[emap]

Hmmm, i do beleive you have not played Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines. You really should pick it up it's a quite good game, though there are bugs and you would need to get the aftermarket patches from fileplanet.

Anyway, the whole tone of the story is supposed to be strange and weird. I used the speaking habits of dang I forget what it was called, but well nuts vampires. They are nuts and see things differently to put it bluntly.

I seem to do that alot hmmm, maybe I should try and beat around the bush in my talking more.

 

[Firebrain]

But there's "ooh, strange!" and there's "yeah, I don't buy that."

If you feel like you have to put a disclaimer at the beginning of a story telling the reader what it should be - that's not your job. What something "is" should be evident in the writing (unless it's fan fiction and then file it as such) . Also, just because characters behave a certain way in a game doesn't mean they are any more passable to your readers

 

[Calliopia]

So my main comments would be more editorial.

I'd like to see less r/o sentences and better comma management. Similar to above poster.

Also it seems that you have conversational tones/dialects vs character tones/dialects.

In the phone conversation at the beginning Beth and the woman are speaking in the same country club luncheon phrasing. "Oh gracious me...", "I shall try ever so hard...", etc. Yet, a few paragraphs later she says "You wish now get outta me way, I got a job to get to,".

Those were what I noticed immediately. Tonal changes in the same character happening too rapidly and some sentence structure work. Other than that, keep it up.