Shameless plug

[starrkers]

I've got a new story out. Piece of light fluff called Doing It Her Way.

So far the comments don't gel with the score so I've got no way of knowing if it's any good.
I think it's better than just OK, what do you lot reckon?
Link in my sig.

 

[popcorn2721]

Ill give it an honest read in a bit and give you some feedback as well....

 

[jakebarnes06]

It's a type of story I normally wouldn't read all the way through, but you captured my attention quickly and held it with an interesting tension throughout. I'm still wondering who these people are, but the story stands on its own legs without such an identification.

Your pace was great. I easily could picture the woman stalking about the room, including going behind her prisoner. It seemed she maintained that same pace even as she climbed on his body and took her relief.

I saw a couple of typos, but they were easy to ignor given the overall quality of the story.

Well done.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Starrkers, my friend,
I read your story. Not my cup of tea, but well written. I liked it. Good job, sweets

 

[Nasha]

Hi, starrkers,

The story's premise is pretty fun--a reversal of the usual guy abducts girl for his sexual amusement scenario.

For me, the story is at its best when Amber is taking charge of him, before the actual sex begins. I get a real sense of her getting off on having this beautiful man in her control, and she's so deft and sure in everything she does. Your prose is very effective in getting across a sense of suddenness and strength as she forces his physical responses in order to get the gag into his mouth, get his clothes off, etc.

Once the sex starts, though, most of my sense of her, and of the eroticism particular to this scenario, dissipates. You do a lovely job of conveying the physical responses of the characters to the sensations of sex, but while they're fucking, it could almost be any couple going at it. Personally, I think the sex would be far hotter if you work in her controlling him a bit more, and both of them getting off on that as well as the delight of all the fun bits rubbing together. One of the sexiest things about the sex scene, for me, is the recurring detail of the corset constraining her breathing, making her light-headed.

Hopefully that's at least somewhat helpful!

-Nasha

 

[starrkers]

Thanks guys. It was my first attempt at anything of this nature - the control aspect.
I'll have to have another lash at it sometime.
I can see your point Nasha - once I hit the sex I kind of forgot the control aspect.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I can see your point Nasha - once I hit the sex I kind of forgot the control aspect.

Don't worry about that, starrkers. That happens a lot. This is a "forced" story really, not a BDSM story. In the scenerio you wrote it rings true. Happens like that a lot in Porn films too, btw.

 

[starrkers]

I guess it's a funny one. It could almost have gone in the nonconsent category - he wasn't asked, but he certainly wasn't opposed to the concept though!

Oh, this is getting confusing - my other new story IS in nonconsent

 

[Nasha]

I guess it's a funny one. It could almost have gone in the nonconsent category - he wasn't asked, but he certainly wasn't opposed to the concept though!

Oh, this is getting confusing - my other new story IS in nonconsent

I just read "Unnatural Progression." Being a girl unnaturally enamored of the non-con/reluctance realm of erotica, it was delightful to read something which played so perfectly to my personal preferences. There was just the right balance of fear and pleasure, and your prose made the whole story and all the characters within lots of fun. Great job.

-Nasha

 

[starrkers]

I give up.

Both my new stories have glowing comments. I have one bad comment out of 10 on one, and none out of 3 on the other. They are the best received of my stories, judging by the comments.
They are getting votes.
They are both struggling to maintain a score of 4. That puts them as the second and third lowest scoring stories I've written (behind a Loving Wives piece I expected to do poorly).

I just don't understand.

 

[jomar]

I just read it. Nice. Well written.

 

[starrkers]

OK. I've dug this out of the dungeon to plug my newest story and seek meaningful feedback.

It's my first attempt at an Anal story. Please be gentle.

Kneaded Relief

 

[starrkers]

This one could use some help - the first vote was from my personal troll.

 

[jomar]

OK. I've dug this out of the dungeon to plug my newest story and seek meaningful feedback.

It's my first attempt at an Anal story. Please be gentle.

Kneaded Relief

I read it and liked it. Could have been a little longer, but that's just a want because it was nice. I really don't feel like I know the technical stuff yet so I'll let others respond to that. It flowed well and seemed natural enough. My quibbles are simply style and word choice differences, which don't amount to anything (e.g., She pushed back against his finger, jamming her ass onto it. "Yes, baby. Fuck my ass with your fingers. Open me up." - I probably would have gone with "Yes. Put you fingers in me." Or maybe even just "Yes." - since we knew he was playing with her ass and she was all hot and breathless). But I understand you chose too communicate certain things - like I said style differences.

One paragraph had an extra line space, but i didn't vote you down for that. Nice job.

ETA: Oh yeah. The stockings threw me for a moment. It made me wonder if it was a period piece. I wondered why someone climbing ladders, taking inventory and/or stocking items would wear garters and stockings since it implied 12 hours in heels. And if she knew it would be hard work on her feet why would she wear heels. But maybe my thinking comes from an American bias. Or a stockings and heels, not stockings and flats bias.

 

[starrkers]

Thanks for that jomar.
I noticed a couple of extra line spaces here and there too. Dunno why that happened, wasn't in the preview.

I see your point on the stockings thing. I was writing from the perspective that the store was still open for business (used to happen to my husband), so staff were still in uniform. Most store uniforms here require stockings or pantyhose (and I wasn't putting her in those!), regardless of height of shoe.

 

[jomar]

Thanks for that jomar.
I noticed a couple of extra line spaces here and there too. Dunno why that happened, wasn't in the preview.

I see your point on the stockings thing. I was writing from the perspective that the store was still open for business (used to happen to my husband), so staff were still in uniform. Most store uniforms here require stockings or pantyhose (and I wasn't putting her in those!), regardless of height of shoe.

There have been glitches with posting stories lately. And I understand about the pantyhose issue - not sexy at all.

 

[writelove]

I ended up reading your story Kneaded Relief then read Doing It Her Way. Somehow I got confused as to which one you wanted feedback for.

You write well, the flow easy to read. When I read something and the wording distracts me so much that I can't relate to the content of the story, I put the story away (unless I am reviewing it). Your story didn't do that which is good.

Nevertheless something seemed missing to me, couldn't put my finger on it. Perhaps the particular sexual tendencies or fantasies not being my particular bent, distracted me. But it was more than that.

I couldn't get a sense of the characters. The technique was fine. I just didn't like the people in it that much, don't know why. Maybe I couldn't relate to them.

Also, there was nothing compelling to pull me forward, to grip me so I wanted to read more. You need more to happen like the prisoner thinking he is going to escape, able to untie his bindings, discovering a door open, having a sense of freedon, when it comes crashing down on him again as she catches him.

Or perhaps he escapes, sees her in the next room. A smile on his face, he approaches her. Scene fades and when the action returns, she is now the prisoner.

I think you need something like that. An event needs to occur to pull me forward.

 

[Nasha]

OK. I've dug this out of the dungeon to plug my newest story and seek meaningful feedback.

It's my first attempt at an Anal story. Please be gentle.

Hi Starrkers,

Your Kneaded Relief is a sexy little romp. The sexual imagery is effective, and the prose and dialogue flow nicely.

One nitpicky thing; compare the following two lines, which occure a couple paragraphs apart in your story:

She wiggled her ass at him, opening her thighs just a little.

She moaned and spread her thighs further, allowing him greater access.

For me, the first one is a rousing image, conveyed in rousing language. The second, though, is undermined a bit by the phrase "allowing him greater access." His easier access is implied, so the phrase is superfluous anyway, but it's also one of those cold, distancing phrases that cools the heat a bit, IMO.

As for the big picture, I'm inclined to agree with writelove. Something important is missing. This is more of a scene than a story; nothing happens, except that an established couple has sex. Plot-wise, that's sort of the equivalent of, "I was hungry. I came home and ate dinner." However enticingly you depict the eating of the food, it's not a story.

You write well. Showcase that talent with a plot that drives your characters actions and makes us care what happens, and how damn good that anal sex is.

-Nasha

 

[starrkers]

Thank you for the comments. I know what you mean about the characters - I never intended it to be more than a vignette really. It was a little scene rattling around in my head with no home to go to and getting in the way of something else I'm trying to write.
So I got it down on hard disk and out of the way. I wasn't even sure I'd be able to write it believably.

 

[starrkers]

My latest is now up - a lighthearted How To - Break a Drought

 

[drksideofthemoon]

My latest is now up - a lighthearted How To - Break a Drought

I loved it, and what you say is so true...

 

[_Lynn_]

My latest is now up - a lighthearted How To - Break a Drought

I just finished reading it. So very true. Cute entry.

 

[starrkers]

It's all completely true.
We're owner building a house. We've had it all!

 

[starrkers]

Another new piece of deathless prose from yours truly! (Not really, but I've got to talk myself up a bit )

Coming in from the Cold

Two brothers stumble across a woman in a fierce snowstorm, near freezing. How are they going to get her warm before she dies?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Another new piece of deathless prose from yours truly! (Not really, but I've got to talk myself up a bit )

Coming in from the Cold

Two brothers stumble across a woman in a fierce snowstorm, near freezing. How are they going to get her warm before she dies?

I'll check it out...