Shakespearrean Sonnet

[Lumian]

Hi, this an english sonnet I wrote, also called the Shakespearrean Sonnet. I isn't exactly sex based but hopefully this is still a good place to put this. Tell me what you think:

Beauiful eyes of bluish hue, how your gaze entrances, (10)
Soft, Sullen maiden, forgotten and forlorn (10)
Your eyes tell tales of far long gone romances, (10)
Fair young maiden in the sand, your heart so worn,(10)
How often you walk, the lonely sands of guilt, sweet lass,(10)
For sins, my lady, your soul did never commit(10)
He is to blame, that hollow skin of a man, so crass(10)
Guilty soul, he slew himself, his end was befit(10)
Morn not, fair maiden, for he is not worth tears,(10)
On such a worthless man, your love is such sad waste, (10)
Beautiful lady, confide in me your fears,(9
Onwards toward love, together we make haste
Your heart I have won, jointly we are bound
Happily together, with the love we have found(10)

 

[Lumian]

BTW, Do not steal this. It is Coprighted! Thank you.

 

[BooMerengue]

Hi, this an english sonnet I wrote, also called the Shakespearrean Sonnet. I isn't exactly sex based but hopefully this is still a good place to put this. Tell me what you think:

Beauiful eyes of bluish hue, how your gaze entrances, (10)
Soft, Sullen maiden, forgotten and forlorn (10)
Your eyes tell tales of far long gone romances, (10)
Fair young maiden in the sand, your heart so worn,(10)
How often you walk, the lonely sands of guilt, sweet lass,(10)
For sins, my lady, your soul did never commit(10)
He is to blame, that hollow skin of a man, so crass(10)
Guilty soul, he slew himself, his end was befit(10)
Morn not, fair maiden, for he is not worth tears,(10)
On such a worthless man, your love is such sad waste, (10)
Beautiful lady, confide in me your fears,(9
Onwards toward love, together we make haste
Your heart I have won, jointly we are bound
Happily together, with the love we have found(10)

If your looking for iambic pentameter you don't have it...

Look...

Beau ti ful eyes of blu ish hue, how your gaze en tran ces, (14)
Soft, Sul en mai den, for got ten and for lorn (11)
Your eyes tell tales of far long gone ro man ces, (11)

Your lines should be 10 syllables, and your accent should be on either the odd or the even syllable.

Look...

Beau ti ful eyes of blue your gaze en tranced (10)
Soft Sul en mai den, lost and so for lorn (10)

If you fix this, you might have a really pretty sonnet.

Hope I haven't offended.

 

[Lumian]

No not at all, thanks for pointing it out to me. ^.^ I want to get better at this stuff so I need that kind of thing.

 

[Lumian]

Might I ask you to clarify what exactly a syllable is? Isn't a consonant and a vowel together? What do you mean by accent? Could you give me some examples of these things? Thanks.

 

[BooMerengue]

Might I ask you to clarify what exactly a syllable is? Isn't a consonant and a vowel together? What do you mean by accent? Could you give me some examples of these things? Thanks.

Without using the dictionary I'm going to say a syllable is the parts of a word that change the sound. ie: syl la ble. It doesn't have anything to do with consonants and vowels, really.

When you write a sonnet, it is USUALLY... but not always, written in iambic pentameter which means (again, without a dictionary) something like 'footed rhythm' or like I tell my kids... feet with a beat! Listen to your feet when you walk... da DUM da DUM da DUM... or you could walk DA dum DA dum DA dum. Thats the iambic part... thats what I mean by accent. You must keep your feet going the same throughout the poem.

So... Pentameter... 5 + ryhthm or 5 footsteps in rhythm.

"Beau ti ful eyes of blue your gaze en tranced (10)
Soft sul en mai den, lost and so for lorn(10)"


Study this and see if it helps you. You happened to pick a style that somefind very difficult and others very easy. I like them, so maybe we can do this together.

 

[Alex De Kok]

Hey, Boo! Long time no see.

Small nit-pick - iambic pentameter is as you say, five two-beat 'feet' - di DUm di DUM di DUM di DUM di DUM, but when the emphasis is on the first syllable of the foot it is trochaic pentameter - DUM di DUM di DUM di DUM di DUM di.

Blame the fact I've just completed a short course on writing poetry! I'm still lousy, of course . . .

Interesting point is that pentameter is supposed to be one of the most natural rhythms in English.

Alex

 

[trendyredhead]

Syllables are the pieces of words. If you look in any good dictionary, you'll see the syllables divided, usually by dots. Here's what Merriam-Webster (a major dictionary) has online for beautiful: beau·ti·ful

A good dictionary will be your friend when trying to write iambic pentameter. It not only provides the syllables, if you're not sure, but it also provides information about the emphasis (stress) on each syllable. The stressed syllable is typically designated with a | or / over or in front of that syllable.

Here's an example of iambic pentameter with the meter explained:

u.../....u...../....u....../...u...../....u.../
A dog and cat were walking hand in hand

The u is the unstressed syllable, and the / is the stressed syllable.

Another little nit-pick: beautiful. Most people put the stress on the first syllable and say it beau ti ful ... rather than beau ti ful

Beautiful is a tough word to use in this type of a poem, but you can get away with it, provided you use it as beau ti ful with the stress on the first and last syllables. As in:

..u..../..u../...u...../.....u.../...u..../
the beautiful red rose was in her hair


Get some Shakespeare sonnets and spend some time making u and / over each line - it should make things a lot more clear to you. When in doubt, read it out loud. You should be able to clearly hear the "duh-DUH duh-DUH duh-DUH" inflection in your voice.

 

[BooMerengue]

Syllables are the pieces of words. If you look in any good dictionary, you'll see the syllables divided, usually by dots. Here's what Merriam-Webster (a major dictionary) has online for beautiful: beau·ti·ful

A good dictionary will be your friend when trying to write iambic pentameter. It not only provides the syllables, if you're not sure, but it also provides information about the emphasis (stress) on each syllable. The stressed syllable is typically designated with a | or / over or in front of that syllable.

Here's an example of iambic pentameter with the meter explained:

u.../....u...../....u....../...u...../....u.../
A dog and cat were walking hand in hand

The u is the unstressed syllable, and the / is the stressed syllable.

Another little nit-pick: beautiful. Most people put the stress on the first syllable and say it beau ti ful ... rather than beau ti ful

Beautiful is a tough word to use in this type of a poem, but you can get away with it, provided you use it as beau ti ful with the stress on the first and last syllables. As in:

..u..../..u../...u...../.....u.../...u..../
the beautiful red rose was in her hair


Get some Shakespeare sonnets and spend some time making u and / over each line - it should make things a lot more clear to you. When in doubt, read it out loud. You should be able to clearly hear the "duh-DUH duh-DUH duh-DUH" inflection in your voice.

You're right, Trendy, but I was just trying to go with what he had already written. It doesn't look like he's coming back, anyway.

Hi Alex. ltns is right- where have we met? I don't remember, tho I have seen you around quite a bit!

 

[Alex De Kok]

Hi Alex. ltns is right- where have we met? I don't remember, tho I have seen you around quite a bit!

In Snippettsville! Check out Issue 14 if you've forgotten . . .

Alex

 

[BooMerengue]

In Snippettsville! Check out Issue 14 if you've forgotten . . .

Alex

Wow!! I HAD forgotten all aboutthat! Oh hell! lol I wrote that story on impulse. I was so shocked when WSO said she was putting it in that volume.

How are you? Nice seeing you again...

Wonder where Lumia went?

 

[Alex De Kok]

Wow!! I HAD forgotten all aboutthat! Oh hell! lol I wrote that story on impulse. I was so shocked when WSO said she was putting it in that volume.

How are you? Nice seeing you again...

Wonder where Lumia went?

That issue went down well. It actually has an 'H', so your contribution must have been well received.

Me? Working hard for a second degree while working as a part-time lecturer. Not writing much of anything, but I'm getting withdrawal sysmptoms, so I'll need to get something finished so I can worry about my feedback and scores on a new piece. Feels like ages since I did that. Anyhow, going off-line now, so ciao for now.

Alex