Sexy Laura and Her Surprise

[Exposed1]

My first contribution.

I would appreciate feedback.

Thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=495358

 

[CWatson]

Your main problem is punctuation. You don't know how to deal with closing quotation marks.

I felt her weight press down on the side of the bed. "Are you having fun yet?", she whispered in my ear.

That comma, as suggested by the red highlighting, is competely unnecessary. In fact, we're not even talking about a situation where it's not right but it's not wrong either--it is wrong. In British English it's all right to put punctuation on the outside of a close-quotation, but not in America, which (for good or ill) is where the largest demographic of Literotica readers comes from. And it's never okay to double up punctuation. (Well, okay, fine, that's a rule you can break; I do so pretty frequently. But learn to do it right before you start deliberately doing it wrong.)

Here are the rules, in a nutshell:

1) You must have a punctuation mark at the end of a quotation. (You're doing okay on this.)

2) It must be inside the quotation. The following is wrong:

"Yes", I gasped.

That comma should be before the quotation mark.

3) Once you have a punctuation mark inside the end of the quotation, you don't need another one outside it. That's the problem you've been running into. If you end with a question mark, then you end with a question mark; that's fine. You don't have to capitalize the "he said / she said" dialogue attribution that follows. This is legal in English:

"But what should I do if she does come back?" he asked.

If the lack of capitalization bugs you, replace the question mark with a comma:

"But what should I do if she does come back," he asked.

Or move the attrib to before the sentence:

He said, "But what should I do if she does come back?"

Or replace it entirely:

He wrung his hands. "But what should I do if she does come back?"

Other than that I don't have much to say. The prose is a tad pedestrian; you have a lot of "I felt [this]," "I felt [that]." Partially it's because the character is blindfolded, but still, you could vary up the structure a little. But other than that I don't have much to say. (And that's actually a compliment. I'm a perfectionist asshole, so if I don't say anything, it means the rest of it was perfect. )

Hope some of this helps.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

I think your story idea is a solid one and has a lot of really great, hot potential.

It could be better, though. One of the best bits of writing advice I ever got was from my 11th grade English teacher. Don't tell me. Show me.

Take this line, for example: "She stepped toward me and I kissed her. As we kissed she stroked my hardness through my jeans, then she pulled back and pulled my shirt off over my head."

It kind of reads like a newspaper article or a police report, doesn't it? Just the facts, ma'am!

I'd like to see you expand your use of metaphor and look at every instance of "He did this and she did that" as an opportunity to really let the reader enter the story. I want to be able to picture what's happening.

"She stepped toward me and I pulled her close, eager to feel her body on mine. I slid my arms around her neck, twining my fingers in her hair and pulling her mouth hungrily to mine. She was sweet and tasted like strawberries and I probed her with my tongue and teased her with my lips.

"Her hands were as eager as mine as she stroked my rock-hard erection through my jeans. I throbbed uncomfortably against my zipper, and her need must have been as great as mine because in a flash she had grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it off over my head, tangling me in the armholes and bumping me in the nose with her elbow. I didn't mind."

I mean, it's not Shakespeare or anything, but you get the idea. Even throwing in some adjectives and adverbs here and there would give it more punch.

But nice job on a first try! I think the first stories are always the hardest to write, never mind having the balls to share it with other people!

 

[Exposed1]

OK, thank you! I appreciate the ideas. I have another I think is better that I plan to add tonight.

 

[favoritesgoddess]

I don't know if you know about this or not, but this site has an editor's program where you can get matched up with someone who will look over your work for you and give you suggestions before you post.