Sexually Incapatibility, or What can I do if he bores me?

[MidnightAngel]

I think (at least, I hope), that this is a good/appropriate place to talk about this.

This is basically still what I'd call a kink/fetish in my life, it's not really a "lifestyle" at this point (although I believe that it could be). Anyway.......here's my problem:

My husband and I have discussed this, although not in great detail. He knows I am interested in D/s, bondage, etc.. He's not. He's tried to be interested, but he just isn't. I understand that it's not for everyone. My former husband knew, understood, and we incorporated it into our sex life regularly. I miss it. A lot. I don't seem to "get into" sex anymore. To be quite honest, I'm bored with straight, "normal" sex.

Of course, leaving my spouse for this reason is out of the question. I find myself fantasizing more and more about a certain former lover who was very much into exploring this type of lifestyle. Temptation is awful sometimes.

Input, suggestions please???

 

[Natalie Nessus]

I am assuming you are submissive?

I suggest you top from the bottom and guide. if he loves you he will try and in time gradually take more and more control.

If you are D and you want him to be s and he is not, it is impossible

 

[MidnightAngel]

Yes, I'm sub. You've given me something to think about. Perhaps I should continue to try with him. Maybe a longer, more in-depth discussion? To try to convey how much I enjoy this?

*sigh*.....sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one out there married to someone who hasn't really got a clue what I like/need.

Thanks, Nessus. Your input helped....gave me a direction to think in.

 

[EvilBrat74]

Hi MidnightAngel.

You could coach him into becoming Dom if ya gradually do it over time.
With small things like asking him to force his dick in your mouth while you give him head.Ya know,like having him hold a hand full of hair on the back of your head.

It may seem so enjoyable, he'll want to explore more with being in control.
This is just an example of something you could try, but you'll have to figure out how to go about it.

Take your past experiance from your past Dom and mabe talk openly with your husband about it.Me and my SO talk openly about sex and it helps us get past barriers that would normally be in the way.

This is how we get to explore more and find more things that please oneanother.
I hope i helped a little.

 

[Hecate]

First of all NO! you are by far not alone out there with a a wish for a little BDSM in your otherwise happy but vanilla relation, and it is very hard for many people to get comfortable with the concept no matter how much they try to.

The question of how to involve some BDSM style playing into your relation is a multi-layered one. So I warn you - this might get long and rambling from here on!

Let me focus on male dominance / female submission concepts at this stage. Many men have been brought up in our time and age to respect and adore their female partners. They have been taought that any act of pain or suppression of a female in a partnership makes them an arrogant chauvinist asshole. Do they want to be that?! Definitely NO!

So now here comes the female submissive, asking the person you love to become exatly that - an asshole, going against all he has been taught all his life as to how to show you he loves you by treating you as an equal part... hard to understand for many men !

One key to deal with this is TALK. you are wanting to change some of the basic dynamics of your relation - even if only for part time - and it is not easy for your partner to find a new "place of peace of mind" in this, specially if he feels happy with things as they are right now. As has been said before - conversation and communication are the essentials to get there I would say.

Now let me sweet over to your own desires. What exactly do you want of BDSM? Pain, humiliation, feeling of power exchange and helplessness?

Let me tell you it will be HARD to get pain from someone who feels distinctly bad about inflicting pain! Ask around even among D/s lifestylers and you will find many subs complaining that even well experienced Dom/mes hesitate to play as rough as some specially maso-subs desire.

Picture yourself now in the role of your SO - there is the woman he loves, cherishes and cares for and he is supposed to hurt her, harm her!! I guess once you understand what you are asking of your partner it becomes easy to see that we are indeed posing a difficult task and request ! It will take a lot of work from his side to get to a point where he even starts to gfeel comfortable in taking control!

What would I suggest?
Work on your own mindset if you want to find a comfortable spot in this relation and in your own desires... ask yourself what exactly it is you want of BDSM - is it to be taken control over? OK - I bet he can do that! Maybe not in the way you were imagining basically but more in a "blindfold me and tie me up" way - then tease me, excite me, touch me and make love to me. Tickle me with feathers, provoke sensations with an ice cold wash cloth followed by fiery kisses ... he will be feeling so much more happy with things like that for starters instead of trying to comply immediately to control AND pain aspects... if you manage to focus on the "I am helpless and in his mercy" aspect you might get to enjoy this as well. Or if you manage to expess your submissiveness in "servitude" - you can maybe ask him to desribe one of his fantasies for you and try to make it come true - maybe he has a role play fantasy that you could mentally "work on" as serving him ... I am not sure if I am making too much sense in this, what I try to express basically is that you have to be prepared to take little steps, and not hope to get someone to understand and share all in one.

Allow him to take his time to come to terms with something you have already spent a lot of time exploring! And ask yourself at times how you would feel if he asked you to take on the Domme side all of a sudden - could you - would you feel comfortable?

 

[HotXBunz]

Hecate, what a wonderful response. Respect and communication is so important.

MidnightAngel, you are not alone. Even for couples in the lifestyle there has to be a meeting of the minds. I may be into needle play but my partner may gag at the sight of blood. You just try to find a place that is comfortable for both of you.

Maybe he doesn't know what to do and has stage fright. Reading BDSM stories or watching videos together may help. If he really just can't get into any of it let it be. He may well use it against you. I have been there, being called a pervert and the like.

It may sound extreme but some partners allow for an out of marriage D/s relationship. Some are non sexual and meet the emotional needs a sub has.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

 

[riff]

Hecate

The principle of your post shows great understanding.

I felt like you were describing me. I would never want to hurt a person I love- but at the same time, if it is in the game-ishness of the bedroom, I can deal with it.

I fantasize about having a total female fucktoy that I can do whatever the fuck I want- be totally selfish and in control without having to worry about whether or not I am doing something "wrong."

I am perfectly capable of keeping the 2 separate, or at least I think so.

God, I wish I was involved right now with a partner to explore and experiment with!

 

[bored1]

I think (at least, I hope), that this is a good/appropriate place to talk about this.

This is basically still what I'd call a kink/fetish in my life, it's not really a "lifestyle" at this point (although I believe that it could be). Anyway.......here's my problem:

My husband and I have discussed this, although not in great detail. He knows I am interested in D/s, bondage, etc.. He's not. He's tried to be interested, but he just isn't. I understand that it's not for everyone. My former husband knew, understood, and we incorporated it into our sex life regularly. I miss it. A lot. I don't seem to "get into" sex anymore. To be quite honest, I'm bored with straight, "normal" sex.

Of course, leaving my spouse for this reason is out of the question. I find myself fantasizing more and more about a certain former lover who was very much into exploring this type of lifestyle. Temptation is awful sometimes.

Input, suggestions please???

My xspouse and I used to have this issue.While I had been dominate in the past with women I didnt love,I had a difficult time playing that role with my wife who eventually became the mother of my children. I had been raised to "respect" women as I would respect my mother or sister etc. It was difficult for me to picture the two women I was raised with as sexual beings,Anyway as our relationship progressed and I realized her need to be dominated we were able to work through my GOOD GIRL/BAD GIRL Complex and I actually got to the point where it was the best SEX ever.It took time and some adjustment of attitudes from my upbringing.I just had to renmember it was a role I was playing for her benefit that eventually allowed me to uncover repressed side of my own sexuality.keep working on it.

 

[MidnightAngel]

Thanks Everyone!

These responses are great! Hecate, I think you described the situation (and him) perfectly!

Yes, I think the problem is two-fold: that he feels guilty about the idea of being "mean" to me; and that he was brought up to cherish/protect women in general.

These answers have given me a new outlook on this. I'd gotten to the place of just giving up on ever having this aspect of our sexual relationship. I think I will keep trying....maybe be a bit more subtle......a video, a little coaching.

I'll keep ya posted.

 

[Merelan]

Hecate, you are a dream. Do you know the answers to everything?

May I use your words? Can I cut and paste them to my darling husband? Your words say what he needs to hear from me. I have been so frightfully inadequate. Please????

MidnightAngel, I feel your "pain" so to speak. I love him so much. But he is the sweetest, kindest and most gentle guy ever. All he knows of this 'bondage" thing is the stereotypes. So have printed a few light stories and written one for him myself. he is trying to understand, sigh. but....

 

[WriterDom]

I wonder how things are going for her now?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Maybe she will come back and tell us.

 

[Hecate]

I too would be quite interested in an update *s* .... specially as I think it would be great for so many others who are asking similar questions - get (good?) avise .. and disappear so we will never know if our words could be of any value ....

so all you guys out there .. any of you in same / similar situations , please feel free to share your successes and disasters... I guess all of us trying to help would love to know !

 

[entitled]

Hello Everybody. Even though this is my first post on the BDSM boards and i'm more or less new to the lifestyle, i just wanted to say that taking things slowly does honestly work.

My Husband and i have been married for about 3 years now, and most of that time has been spent with my asking Him to be more dominant in sexual situations. It finally (thank goodness!) sank in - after a long discussion - just over a year ago that it's something i need. It took three days away from the inlaws/kids/pets/job for us to finally talk things out to where we both understood what was going on, but it's been well worth it.

Like people have been saying, communication is the key. Just let the other person in the relationship know the hows and whys of things and you might be surprised at what might happen. It sure has helped our relationship in every way to know that after i've been more or less in charge of the household for a few days that i can just let it all go and let Him take control. That never would have happened - and would not still be happening - if we hadn't talked things over and let each other know what we needed. That's something we still do regularly, just to keep in touch with where each other is at in our relationship.

OK, now that i've written a book, i'll go mind my own business in other places and with other people. Thanks for hearing me out.

 

[MissTaken]

Welcome to the forum, entitled!

What a great first post. I look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hello Everybody. Even though this is my first post on the BDSM boards and i'm more or less new to the lifestyle, i just wanted to say that taking things slowly does honestly work.

My Husband and i have been married for about 3 years now, and most of that time has been spent with my asking Him to be more dominant in sexual situations. It finally (thank goodness!) sank in - after a long discussion - just over a year ago that it's something i need. It took three days away from the inlaws/kids/pets/job for us to finally talk things out to where we both understood what was going on, but it's been well worth it.

Like people have been saying, communication is the key. Just let the other person in the relationship know the hows and whys of things and you might be surprised at what might happen. It sure has helped our relationship in every way to know that after i've been more or less in charge of the household for a few days that i can just let it all go and let Him take control. That never would have happened - and would not still be happening - if we hadn't talked things over and let each other know what we needed. That's something we still do regularly, just to keep in touch with where each other is at in our relationship.

OK, now that i've written a book, i'll go mind my own business in other places and with other people. Thanks for hearing me out.

I would also like to welcome you. Hopefully more people will tell their stories too.

Eb

 

[evesdream]

i'll be glad to hear more from you on the boards too, entitled.
welcome to the forum.

 

[Sandia]

I don't know that communication will solve the problem. If he's not interested, he's not, and no amount of communication will solve that.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I don't know that communication will solve the problem. If he's not interested, he's not, and no amount of communication will solve that.

Welcome back Sandia.

Eb

 

[reanne]

Hang in there MidnightAngel. I had the exact same problem, but I talked with my hubby and showed him a few stories and a little while ago he came home with a leather blindfold he bought for me.

 

[Rocket88]

Ok....maybe this is just me...

You have already established that you want him to dominate you. This is kind of an "outside the box" idea that might not set well with some and others will really dig. You know your husband, so you know whether it might work or not. But...

Some time when things start getting frisky just give him a good slap, the right look, and say, "What are you gonna do about it?"

I have seen this work. Your mileage may vary.

 

[Cuckolded_BlK_Male]

... My husband and I have discussed this, although not in great detail. He knows I am interested in D/s, bondage, etc.. He's not. He's tried to be interested, but he just isn't. I understand that it's not for everyone. My former husband knew, understood, and we incorporated it into our sex life regularly. I miss it. A lot. I don't seem to "get into" sex anymore. To be quite honest, I'm bored with straight, "normal" sex ...

I'm curious as to whether you've had children with either of your husbands. I can certainly see a man, such as Hecate described, having a very difficult time Domming the mother of his children ... especially as it pertains to rough sadistic scenes. If that is the case, and I don't know that it is, then you might not be able to get what you want from that man. If BDSM scenes are something that you can't live without, you may need to seek out a man who doesn't view you as a Madonna.

I've occasionally been involved with women who liked the submissive role. I've spanked, tied up, applied nipple clamps, withheld orgasm, etc. from these women. But, I couldn't even imagine doing any of that with my daughter's mother. Even when we are midst of an acrimonious disagreement, I'm fighting the urge of fall to my knees and bury my face in her crotch.

 

[Sandia]

Physical relationships aren't just about the physics. If your heart's not in what you're doing it's not likely to work.

'Sall I'am saying.

Like saying "I love you." Don't mean much if your heart's not in it.


Hi Ebony.

 

[kitty4ever]

My heart went out to MidnightAngel, for as I've said before; I was in somewhat of a similar situation. Yes, part of it was probably that my not-yet-ex-husband was raised not to physically hurt a woman. Also, he was not interested in it, and flat out refused to try some of the things I craved. I begged and pleaded, but, instead of being willing to try; he made derogatory remarks about it. <sighs>

Of course, it did not sound like she was also being neglected in many ways, or finding out about a husband's infidelity and lies, so I hope she was able to work things out.

 

[Wolf_77]

Agrees with Hecate, 100%