Sexual Orientation

[niteshade]

Ok, guys. I need some help here. I am ridiculously upset, and I want to know if y’all think I screwed up, or if you think I did the right thing. This is not precisely a bdsm thing, but it happened in a bdsm context.

I recently signed up on Bondage.com, out of curiosity, and the vague hope I might find someone compatible. For the question about sexuality, I had three choices; Straight, Bi, or Gay. In the “What I’m Looking For” section, I could not specify if I was looking for a male, or a female… only if I was looking for couples or not.

Now, my sexual orientation is mostly straight, but I do enjoy women as well, so technically I am bi.. my profile here at Lit says so. However, that is not what I am looking for in a relationship. I am looking for a man… a dominant one.

I originally went with “Bi” as the descriptor on B.com as well, and ended up getting flooded with responses from couples and other women, and almost none from men… so I changed the setting to straight. It did not seem to be a big deal at the time, but I was talking with a guy that I met there recently, and I was really getting into him. We had all the right checks and balances; we were looking for the same thing. Admittedly, it probably wasn’t going anywhere as he lives in Colorado and I in Texas, but still.

I gave him the link to my profile page here on Lit so he could read my stories, and next thing I know, he is flipping cause it says I am bi. He says that what I did is the same as if I came to visit him, and his wife answered the door, when he had told me he was single. I explained that I am not active in a bi lifestyle, but that I have enjoyed being with women, and that I certainly would have told him if I was currently involved with someone, female or male, but as I am not, what does it matter? I didn’t ask him about his past lovers… they are just that… past. What do you guys think? I don’t consider it as having been hiding anything… If I had been, I certainly wouldn’t have given him the link to the page here with out updating the damn thing, and I readily admitted it when he asked me about it.

The worst part is, I feel really bad now, and I am not sure if it is more because I am mad at him for being so rigid, or if he is right and I did something wrong.

 

[Netzach]

Uh...no, sounds to me like he can't deal. You're talking, you're in the getting to know you phase, and it's not like you waited till after the first fuck to inform him of your orientation.

It's your orientation, anyway, you get to drop that bomb when you want.

There's no reason for you to feel bad at all.

 

[niteshade]

Uh...no, sounds to me like he can't deal. You're talking, you're in the getting to know you phase, and it's not like you waited till after the first fuck to inform him of your orientation.

It's your orientation, anyway, you get to drop that bomb when you want.

There's no reason for you to feel bad at all.

That is what I am thinking too... but it feels better to have someone else agree. Thanks Netzach.

 

[Rantalith]

It sounds to that he is the one with the problem. If he can not deal with it, then move on. You did not hide anything from him, nor did you lie to him.

I can not understand why he would be upset if you are bi. Most men, me included, would enjoy a bi partner. This has so much potential and little downside, IMHO.

You should not feel bad for something that you do not need to feel bad about. Like I said, it is his problem not yours.

 

[bill-pix-trade]

I guess you anly did something wrong if you had already done the full disclusure thing, and you omited your bi past. Short of that you did nothing wrong.

It sounds to me like he has an acceptance problem. Thats to bad. Move on. He does not like your past, and there are tons of men who find that quite sexy.

 

[James G 5]

It's him, babe, not you
your explanation here should have quelled him sufficiently & if it didn't it's HIS problem

 

[catalina_francisco]

He is the one with issues, not you. My advice would be to keep the bi part in your profile but in the bit where you get to say what you are seeking you make it clear you are not looking for women, just men. It does work to be specific and clear, or at least it always did for me. Good luck.

Catalina

 

[niteshade]

Thanks sooo much you guys. I really appricate all the support. Last time I talked to him, he was going to "sleep on it" and see if it made sense in the morning. I guess I will have to wait and see, but my fighting spirt is up now, after I did my own sleeping on it, and I am quite likely to tell him to fuck himself, even if he does "forgive" me.

Y'all are great. Thanks.

 

[Shadowsdream]

He is just plain wrong and closed minded to boot! you provided him with the link to your Lit profile. If you were trying to hide something you would not have given it to him. I am pleased to see your back up about this "sleep on it attitude"

 

[Limbhugger]

As all the others have said, you're not the one with a problem. And good for you finding out about his problem early on. I would be suspicious of just what else he's lible to freak over. I mean this is pretty minor stuff for him to be getting so upset about.

 

[catalina_francisco]

As all the others have said, you're not the one with a problem. And good for you finding out about his problem early on. I would be suspicious of just what else he's lible to freak over. I mean this is pretty minor stuff for him to be getting so upset about.

...Most often the reaction of someone desperately trying to hide their own skeletons cloaked in denial.

Catalina

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I think that finding out that a potential lover is bisexual is for most guys a happy surprise, you know?

I think that a person's sexual history is their business until you are pretty sure you are going to have sex with someone. Until then, I don't expect to know everything about a person during the begining phases of a relationship.

 

[pwcov]

.................

 

[Peter2002]

I didn't read the other posts because I didn't want to be influenced by what they said.

Tell your guy to chill out. (The perv in me says who wouldn't want to go out with a bi-sexual girl, but I understand that's not the point.)

The whole thing leaves me scratching my head. Here on the East coast bi on bopndage.com may mean bi. It also may mean open to couples. It sometimes may mean that the girl may be willling to recruit another woman for a different sort of experience.

But all that aside, I think you're right to hope for a higher level of sophistication. But if you don't find it, it might be up to you to teach your would be friend.

It's a complex world.

 

[Etoile]

I'm with Netzach here. You have every right to be who you are, and if he can't handle it, tough luck for him - you're too good for somebody that closed-minded.

An interesting note is that many lesbian women refuse to go out with bisexual women. From what I've heard, this is usually because the lesbian woman is afraid of being dumped for a man (possibly because this has happened to her in the past). Bisexuals also have an undeserved reputation of sleeping around a lot - I've known of that happening, but it should only happen in the confines of a relationship where the primary partner has given their permission. Maybe that's what the guy was scared of...who knows.

 

[Etoile]

Re: labels suck

"bisexual" homo, hetreosexual..I try to avoid words and labels in my life and the way I get to know people..strive to build relationships more with the permanant, indelible spirit of the person that transcends gender/orientation..avoiding pigeon-holing labels..suffice to say we are (most of us) simply..."sexual"

While that's certainly a commendable attitude, it's impractical in today's society. The fact is that we are defined by who we sleep with - sexual orientation does exist. Unfortunately, people have a horrible tendency to make assumptions based on labels, and apply stereotypes and prejudices. Not all of these are negative, but any time somebody mentions an orientation, anyone listening automatically applies what they've learned about that orientation in the past to the current person. Having only three definitions - hetero/homo/bi - is also limiting, as it allows for only a binary gender system and excludes the possibility of loving trans and intersexed people.

Come and visit us in GLBT Chatter sometime.

 

[niteshade]

Well, I haven't heard anything from him, so I guess I can write it off. I don't like LDR's anyway.

I feel the same way that most of you have expressed... we were not at the sex phase... and even if we were, what does it matter unless I brought my current girl with me and plopped her down in bed next to him? I also was under the impression that most guys salivate for Bi women... I mean, they think it's like an open play pass or something. (Or thats the impression I have gotten, anyway). Oh well. I guess he really was just too perfect. Unless I get an abject apology, I doubt I would talk to him if he asked. Thanks for all the responses and the support guys. That is why I love this place... when it matters, y'all come through.

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: labels suck

While that's certainly a commendable attitude, it's impractical in today's society. The fact is that we are defined by who we sleep with - sexual orientation does exist. Unfortunately, people have a horrible tendency to make assumptions based on labels, and apply stereotypes and prejudices. Not all of these are negative, but any time somebody mentions an orientation, anyone listening automatically applies what they've learned about that orientation in the past to the current person. Having only three definitions - hetero/homo/bi - is also limiting, as it allows for only a binary gender system and excludes the possibility of loving trans and intersexed people.

Come and visit us in GLBT Chatter sometime.

Can I just define myself as "slut"?

 

[Etoile]

Re: Re: Re: labels suck

Can I just define myself as "slut"?

Yes, actually, that's a very valid description.

 

[James G 5]

Re: Re: Re: Re: labels suck

Yes, actually, that's a very valid description.

Thank you, I feel validated now
I'd have used "Man Whore" but that's Johnny's line and I'd hate to be accused of intellectual theft

 

[ethereal~minx]

Re: labels suck

"bisexual" homo, hetreosexual..I try to avoid words and labels in my life and the way I get to know people..strive to build relationships more with the permanant, indelible spirit of the person that transcends gender/orientation..avoiding pigeon-holing labels..suffice to say we are (most of us) simply..."sexual"

I feel the same way you do pwcov.