Sexual Misadventure Tales

[PenetratingIntelligence]

Let’s be honest, we’ve all got them. The hilarious, the whoopsie, and the cringeworthy sexual misadventures, all in the name of lust. Let’s share our funny, our awkward, and our tales of woe.

Me first…

The girlfriend at the time and I were sharing a shower, with neither one of us wanting to get out of the warmth first. After a playful back and forth, I offered that I would tongue fuck her to orgasm if she left the comfort of the shower first.

She promptly complied and I happily prepped to go to work. I turned off the water and proceeded to step out of the shower, slipped on the wet floor, and blasted the side of my head on towel rack.

Concussion, instantly. What happened next was told to me after the fact because I remember nothing. Despite my clear state of discombobulation, I made it to my knees, between her legs, kissed up her inner thighs, and puked all over her stomach and pussy. Vomit all over her.

The relationship lasted a few months longer, but she no longer sought my tongue on her pussy.

Please share yours. Don’t want to be alone in my embarrassment.

 

[PenetratingIntelligence]

I’m moderately determined to make this thread a thing. In that vein, I’ll make fun of myself again.

In my college years, a young lady and I were doing the will we, won’t we thing. One night, she shows up at my door ready to finally cross the line. Downside, I have no condoms.

We are hot and heavy, everything is coming up aces, but she, rightfully, says I have to get a condom. I go rooting through my roommates belongings, find one, come running back into the room, wrapped up and ready.

After one minute of her riding me she asks, “what’s wrong?” To which I reply, “nothing, this is great”. She slides off me and points out that I am limp. I look down and she was right. It was an over cooked noodle. I couldn’t feel my dick at all.

Of course she leaves and we never talk again. In the after action, I talk to my roommate only to learn I had grabbed a dick numbing desensitizing condom. I’d never heard of such a thing.

Fuck that guy.

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

My first duty assignment in the service was in the Far East. One of the hazing rituals for the noobs was to take them to the units favorite bar and buy them shots of the local rice whiskey. Meanwhile, everyone else would maybe take one shot then start getting water shots from the bartender who was in on the ploy!

My time comes and sure enough I’m approaching double digit shot count when the call comes to head to a “dedicated town”, with ”dedicated women”, IYKWIM

We all pour into a cab and head to _____ (fill in the blank, they’re all the same!) and I pick my girl. Now, looking back, she must have been very popular because she had the best layout of any working girl I’ve ever seen! Anyway, all those Soju shots were kicking in and I’m feeling my oats. We start getting busy and it was a comedy scene from that point on.

She’s getting irritated because I’m taking too long, I’m making jokes and not taking the whole thing serious, a couple of bathroom breaks, which involved pissing down an open hole, but I missed the hole and she had to go behind and pour water to clean up. Not my best work or proudest moment. I may have even floated something in the fish tank but everything was hazy. Needless to say she just wanted me to finish and get me out.

So we get back down to business time and again, whisky dick, no happy ending in sight, and this gal is SUPER agitated at this point. I can’t blame her for sure! This is when the most comical part happens.

I whip her around doggie, and mount her. She turns her head back and in a snarling tone says “NO Asshole!” I laugh, because THAT never entered my mind but I then start saying in a loud voice “ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE”!!!!“ She replies again “NO ASShole”, this back and forth goes on for a couple of rounds when she turns and in a sweet almost crying voice, pleads “Please, no asshole”. I am laughing so hard I fall off the bed and that was the last straw! She starts hitting me and kicking and it’s all I can do to gather my shit and get out of there!

Luckily one of my buddies was standing right outside and basically hears this donnybrook and gets my sorry ass back to post!

 

[AZDryHeat]

I was walking along the beach late one night with my future wife. There were quite a few other couples out walking that same night too. When an amorous mood overtook us, we knew that the beach itself could offer little in the way of privacy. So we decided to hike inland a bit to get that privacy. We found a good secluded spot covered with tall grass. After undressing we both started to lay in the grass. Right away there was something wrong. A buzzing mass quickly rose up from the grass and began to swarm around us. It didn't take but a few seconds for us to realize that the area was covered in a think layer of mosquitoes. Swatting ourselves and waving our hands wildly, we both jumped up, grabbed our clothes and ran for the beach. It was only when we reached a safe area from the mosquitoes that we realized that this area of the beach was now crowded with other couples. We didn't stop running until we were waist deep in the foamy surf.

 

[Trubbycat]

Many years ago I was in a fetish shop and tried on a latex catsuit. I managed to struggle it on and then, as I was zipping it up, I got the skin of my dick caught in the teeth. if you've ever seen There's Something About Mary you know where this is going. Eventually the shopkeeper had to come into the dressing room with the sales clerk and then had to reach in the catsuit, grab my dick and somehow work this zipper until it came loose. "This is why we insist you wear underwear when you try things on," she growled. I got dressed and split as fast as I could.

 

[LizVegas79]

You're right. We've all had them, right?

(At least most of us anyways. )

Hope it catches on and more people feel comfortable sharing their awkward misadventures!