Sexual Awakenings

[Guest]

Promise Keeper

This is part of a 2000 word intro provided through Lisa's reminiscence on her birthday. The dialogue begins soon right after this. The story is of a very slow voyeuristic incest seduction in which tension builds as barriers are gradually broken. With something 30,000 words, should I break it some into numbered chapters? Thank you for your time and feedback.

Promise Keeper

A promise is a promise—easy words, hard to life by. A promise is a promise. But time often invalidates commitments made in a different time and place. A promise is a promise—maybe for a child—though adults won't blindly honor a promise, regardless of the circumstances, just because it is a promise.

But I was always taught that a promise is a promise, and it changed my life. I know that others see this as immature and naive. But when a promise is honored for its own sake, sometimes it will be richly rewarded. Such was certainly the case for me.

I might never have made that promise years ago if I had fully understood it. Most would say it was the kind of promise I could not be expected to honor. It was made in the ignorance of youth, acceding to the wishes of my dying mother. But my love for her had me—against all odds—honor that promise throughout the years; and this set the stage for erotic adventures beyond anything I could have imagined.

Now, my own children have lived out that same promise. This past month we all experienced the joy of a promise fulfilled once again, as they chose to seek even greater closeness in our relating. This has lead to an intense level of intimacy and sensual sharing that few families ever experience. I am still basking in the afterglow of that special time with my children. I can’t wait for the next time when we will…but I'm getting ahead of my story.

I never tire of reliving those first times, and my children’s recent gift has reminded me of how my own promise was fulfilled so many years ago. It is a story of how, through my loving family and friends, I learned and shared erotic pleasures beyond my wildest dreams. They say that intense feelings keep memories alive, and I can still vividly recall the erotic images and conversations that lead to the first and most intense sexual experiences of my life.

I had just turned 18 and knew that I was sexually naïve at the time. That was obvious, since I was still a virgin and hadn’t even dated. But I was unaware of the sexual tension and energy buried within, or the torrent of insatiable passion that would be released and played out in the coming year. There was certainly no inkling of this on my birthday. I remember thinking that it was the saddest day of my life. My mom had died almost four years previously and I was still grieving the loss. That day I realized there was no one I was close to, no one to invite to a celebration. As I sat staring out my bedroom window, I thought back over how I came to be so alone.

It certainly wasn’t always that way. I was good friends with Rick who was two years older and lived near by. Our families were very close and our parents were always together at each others’ houses. Both our parents were in mixed marriages, and dealing with the inevitable southern prejudice had us all pulling together. We would often all go on weekend trips together. There were other times they said they needed adult time, and would leave us with sitters, while the four of them would take off somewhere. Rick’s mom, Sherry, was a wonderful support during Mom’s illness. Rick was also very caring and supportive with what I was going through. But soon after she died they moved to Florida, and suddenly I was all alone. I remained a loner over the next few years, and was definitely not the typical teen.

 

[damppanties]

This is part of a 2000 word intro provided through Lisa's reminiscence on her birthday. The dialogue begins right after this. The story is of a very slow voyeuristic incest seduction in which tension builds as barriers are gradually broken. With something 30,000 words, should I break it some into numbered chapters? Thank you for your time and feedback.

Yes, I'd like it to be broken into numbered chapters of about 5,000 words each (ideally), as I am a very lazy reader and it allows me to read a story which is already cut into parts. I can read them as and when I like according to my convenience. This is just me, you might want some other opinions too.

Looking forward to the story.

 

[Alex De Kok]

Break it up

I'd go along with DP on this - break it up. 5000 words is about one and a half Lit pages, so somewhere between 5 and 10 thousand per piece. Try to find "natural joins" and please, submit it all at once. I like what you've written. I like a slow unhurried build-up, but I'll want to read the rest, too.

Title? Of your options, I'd go for either 'The Promise', or 'A Promise'. Or, as a suggestion, 'A Promise Made, A Promise Kept'

Alex

 

[dr_mabeuse]

You did say that this was to be a long, slow seduction, so maybe I shouldn't comment. I'm a very impatient reader, so I don't know if i would have the patience to sit through 8 book pages of intro before getting on with the story. As it is I wanted to grab the narrator and say "Get on with it already!"

I'd be especially cautious with that kind of abstract moralizing with which the story begins: the bit about promises. That's an old literary device and it can really be overdone. What you're doing is setting the theme for the story, and it's possible that some readers will simply decide they don't want to hear this kind of leisurely reflection at the start of a story, or that they don't find the theme especially compelling, and leave before you get a chance to start telling the story. It does give it an old-timey back-porch type feel to the tale, if the reader's willing to give you the time. I'd especially lose the "Buit I'm getting ahead of myself" thing though. It's a cliche.

As I say, I'm very impatient, and I'm sure there are a lot of readers who will give you a lot more time than I would. If I'm not pretty soldily hooked within 1000 words or so, I tend to bail out. But that's just me. It looks like you have the tools to tell a good story. I'd just like it told a little more directly.

---dr.M.

 

[English Lady]

WellI must be honest, I didn't get past the third paragraph. I really understand what you're trying to do with the repetition of "Promise" but for me it was a bit too much. I kept getting distracted by the word "promise" and by the time I got to that third paragraph and I saw yet another "promise" I scrolled the rest of the way down to see the other comments!

Maybe an alternative word, Oath for example could be used to break up the number of "promises"

And now I am bored with the nuber of "promises" in my blurb so I'll shut up*L*

 

[Guest]

I appreciate the feedback so far. I have to agree that promise is over done. I can certainly substitute commitment or pledge in some places.

I initially had simply started with "My name is Lisa and this is a story about..." Then I went into some background and the promise that was made that set her up the seduction in her late teens. I was trying to start with the promise to increase curiosity and interest from the start.

I have also struggled with the length. Several editors didn't see this as a problem. For me, most incest stories sound absurd as they have families suddenly agreeing to sex at the drop of a hat. I can't see how an incest story can be written in any kind of realistic way without being fairly long, as natural barriers are gradually broken down.

But then that may be just me. For me, the best experiences in life, including sex, involve discipline and patience, including erotic writing. Of course in our quick fix culture I may loose 3/4 of the audience immediately.

If so, I realize that's partly my fault and just I wish I had more experience and expertise with getting the reader fully hooked in the first couple paragraphs to the extent more readers would procede with background info and get into the rest of story. I have been told by many the remainder is well worth it.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Every writer wishes they could get the reader hooked in the first 3 paragraphs. If only there were a formula for doing it!

You are right that a story with more background and depth to the characters is inherently more interesting than the coming together of two strangers. The problem is keeping the reader's interest while this backstory is laid being out.

Another problem of mine is that I just do not care for incest stories. I find nothing exciting about sex with someone you know as well as we know members of our own family. If anything, I find incest about as exciting as most family activities appear to an outsider, so I really can't say if more depth of character will make incest more exciting or less.

One thing that did strike me while reading was the casual mention of the narrator and the male ptegonists's being both the children of mixed marriages. This seems to me to warrant more than a casual mention, not just because it's statitiscally odd, but because it must have had a profound effect on their development as people. In fact, it seems like it could support a story or novella of its own. I just hope it figures importantly into the rest of the story.

I suppose that it is sad that readers like myself don't have the patience to follow the narrator through a protracted development in order to get to the erotic payoff, but I make no apologies. There are hundreds and thousands of stories on this site vying for our attention, and I approach all of them with the same admittedly crude "Okay: entertain me" attitude. To achieve this while telling your story is the writer's art.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

Well I'm not trying to hook those who aren't into incest stories and wouldn't expect they would even click on the story—not trying to recruit here—LOL!

I hadn't even considered much developing the race issue. Where I'm from this is a non issue. My wife is Mexican and my kids are in mixed relationships (different races than ours). My son recently advised me "you know, Daddy, it's really not in to be white," trying to add to my Caucasian guilt! I really put the racial issue in to add to the visual effect in later descriptions. Also I use it (somewhat humorously) when the protagonist draws parallels between racial prejudice and incest in an attempt to break down the automatic barriers and prejudice against this.

Also, I have changed the opening to cut out all the preachy moral crap about promises and get more to it. I'd be interested in feedback on whether this is an improvement:

A promise is a promise. At least that’s what I was always taught. But as an adult I now know how very difficult it is to keep a commitment.

I might never have made that promise years ago if I had fully understood it. Most would say it was the kind of commitment I could not be expected to honor. It was made in the ignorance of youth, acceding to the wishes of my dying mother. But my love for her had me—against all odds—honor that promise throughout the years; and this set the stage for erotic adventures that most can only imagine.

I never tire of reliving those first times when, through my loving family and friends, I learned and shared erotic pleasures beyond my wildest dreams. They say that intense feelings keep memories alive, and I can still vividly recall the erotic images and conversations that lead to the first and most intense sexual experiences of my life.

I had just turned 18 and knew that I was sexually naïve at the time. That was obvious, since I was still a virgin and hadn’t even dated. But I was unaware of the sexual tension and energy buried within, or the torrent of insatiable passion that would be released and played out in the coming year. There was certainly no inkling of this on my birthday. I remember thinking that it was the saddest day of my life. My mom had died almost four years previously and I was still grieving the loss. That day I realized there was no one I was close to, no one to invite to a celebration. As I sat staring out my bedroom window, I thought back over how I came to be so alone.

It certainly wasn’t always that way. I was good friends with Rick who was two years older and lived near by. Our families were very close and our parents were always together at each others’ houses. Both our parents were in mixed marriages, and dealing with the inevitable southern prejudice had us all pulling together. We would often all go on weekend trips together. There were other times they said they needed adult time, and would leave us with sitters, while the four of them would take off somewhere. Rick’s mom, Sherry, was a wonderful support during Mom’s illness. Rick was also very caring and supportive with what I was going through. But soon after she died they moved to Florida, and suddenly I was all alone. I remained a loner over the next few years, and was definitely not the typical teen.

 

[English Lady]

Much better,I managed to read it right to the end!*L*

 

[PaulX35]

Impatient readers and...

...As I say, I'm very impatient, and I'm sure there are a lot of readers who will give you a lot more time than I would. If I'm not pretty soldily hooked within 1000 words or so, I tend to bail out. But that's just me. It looks like you have the tools to tell a good story. I'd just like it told a little more directly.

Hear, hear, these words from a man who wrote on of the most patience-requiring pieces I've read in some time. When are we getting the next chapter of the sexual experiments of that mysterious rich man then, dr?

Paul