Sexual abuse + reclaiming my sexuality

[LostBabygirl3489]

I posted this on FetLife and hopefully it helps someone on here somehow as well.

Reclaiming my sexuality has been a very strong and beautiful thing for me. Accepting my desires, fetishes and kinks is part of my healing process. By allowing myself to explore my sexuality, I am reclaiming my sexuality.

My first sexual experience was with a cousin that was a year older than me. There was light fondling and kissing when I was six years old, but once I reached puberty at age thirteen, it turned into severe sexual abuse. He was a bully and would physically hurt my other cousins over the most inane things. I was legitimately afraid of him, that he was going to hurt me or tell people about us if I denied him. So while he thought I was asleep, he would take my hand and force me to touch him. He would perform oral sex on me and forced himself in my mouth. There was a night where he tried to penetrate me and I'm not sure if he did or not because I blacked out the memory. It was my mind's way of protecting myself, I think. I woke up the next day with an embarrassing mess on my hand.

Even though it was pretty horrid what I went through, I know that I am not the only one. I won't lie, sometimes I feel like I am only good enough for sex and nothing more, but I know that isn't true. I am an avid writer and I love helping someone through my words. Words are very healing. I still retain a compassionate, gentle soul. I do not seek revenge from anyone.

When I touch someone that I am attracted to, I am doing it because I want to. I do it because no one is forcing me to. It's hard for me to connect to someone but once it does, I want to please you and make you happy. I've heard someone say that people who have been abused seek the pain and control from a submissive position because they are so 'tainted'. I completely disagree. Not every survivor of abuse enjoys D/S. What about the people that have never experienced abuse and enjoy it?

Sexuality is beautiful and no one should be forced to do anything they are not comfortable with. It's okay to not like sex, either. I am happy that I have finally accepted myself and have chosen to further explore my sexuality...hopefully with people that can understand and respect me.

 

[Kinky_babygirl]

Go girl...You should check out some of Brené Brown's Ted Talks on listening to shame and the power of vulnerability. Some really powerful stuff as well.

 

[box13]

Such a very difficult journey, and so awful that something pleasureable and bonding has those kinds of memories...that kind of trauma...attached to it for ever.

I'm sorry.

I'm glad you're healing, and going forward, and are willing to share so that you can help others.

Thank you.

 

[teaseandtempt]

It's a long and sometimes painful journey, but know you aren't alone. Recently I read about the importance of grieving if you've been a victim of abuse. Having never thought about that, it made a lot of sense. The article talked about grieving the childhood you didn't have and perhaps the family you didn't have (among other things) in order to move forward instead of just trying to bury the past.

Personally, I do think my abuse contributed to my interest in D/s, but not because of the pain. For me, it is more about the security, the strength, and being safe to open myself up to someone who I trust completely. It just took some time to realize all of that. I hope you enjoy your journey of self discovery.

 

[zach20092]

I posted this on FetLife and hopefully it helps someone on here somehow as well.

Reclaiming my sexuality has been a very strong and beautiful thing for me. Accepting my desires, fetishes and kinks is part of my healing process. By allowing myself to explore my sexuality, I am reclaiming my sexuality.

My first sexual experience was with a cousin that was a year older than me. There was light fondling and kissing when I was six years old, but once I reached puberty at age thirteen, it turned into severe sexual abuse. He was a bully and would physically hurt my other cousins over the most inane things. I was legitimately afraid of him, that he was going to hurt me or tell people about us if I denied him. So while he thought I was asleep, he would take my hand and force me to touch him. He would perform oral sex on me and forced himself in my mouth. There was a night where he tried to penetrate me and I'm not sure if he did or not because I blacked out the memory. It was my mind's way of protecting myself, I think. I woke up the next day with an embarrassing mess on my hand.

Even though it was pretty horrid what I went through, I know that I am not the only one. I won't lie, sometimes I feel like I am only good enough for sex and nothing more, but I know that isn't true. I am an avid writer and I love helping someone through my words. Words are very healing. I still retain a compassionate, gentle soul. I do not seek revenge from anyone.

When I touch someone that I am attracted to, I am doing it because I want to. I do it because no one is forcing me to. It's hard for me to connect to someone but once it does, I want to please you and make you happy. I've heard someone say that people who have been abused seek the pain and control from a submissive position because they are so 'tainted'. I completely disagree. Not every survivor of abuse enjoys D/S. What about the people that have never experienced abuse and enjoy it?

Sexuality is beautiful and no one should be forced to do anything they are not comfortable with. It's okay to not like sex, either. I am happy that I have finally accepted myself and have chosen to further explore my sexuality...hopefully with people that can understand and respect me.

happy to read that you are getting over all the shit! all the best to you.. hope you meet the right people and have fun

 

[Somnolence]

Sexual abuse is always an interesting one for me, especially how common it seems, maybe like attracts like.

One of the issues I notice allot is simply the taboo that surrounds it, while I'm in no way, shape or form condoning abuse I feel that for the people in these situations this is often there first experience of sex and no matter what is actually done it's instantly vilified. You used the word tainted and I do think something becomes tainted and it's not the person, it's the act. Everything you do sexually suddenly has all these weird connotations that you didn't place there.

Sure, maybe the reason one person likes to be put in nappies and burped is because their mother used to abuse them or maybe the person just gets turned on by diapers and likes to be burped. You're absolutely right that acceptance of ourselves as sexual beings is needed to move on and heal but I've also begun to feel that simply forgetting is possibly the best path forwards.

I use to wonder whether certain kinks and even my own sexuality were due to my father which means that however many years on I was still allowing him to control me. For the longest time I wanted to kill my father, more for what he did to my sisters than me but I think now I just need to forget.

As humans we are constantly becoming, changing from one thing to another, we let our past forge our future and I've begun to think that wrong, better to forget the past and live in potential otherwise you limit and constrict how you grow as a person.

 

[misskitty2k15]

I am also a victim of severe sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by three different people from the ages of six to twelve. I was also raped by a much older man when I was 15. It took me years to be okay with having consensual sex. It took even longer for me to realize that the things that turned me on were not wrong. I love being dominated, held down, slapped, choked, etc. I always thought something was wrong with me when I would watch porn of women being spanked, whipped, etc. and it was always such a big turn on. Finally, when I ended up with my fiancee he really helped me get over the guilt and embarrassment of what was turning me on and he made me realize that there is nothing wrong with me and you can't help what turns you on. That I am not dirty, used, worthless, etc. I cannot help what happened to me as a child and it's taken a long time for me to get comfortable not only with sex but my body. I've come a long way and I was actually surprised by how high of a sex drive I have after all I've been through. I'm so glad I have my fiancee in my life he reawakened me sexually and he's been sort of a savior for me in so many ways.