Sexless Marriages

[IASFPWTF]

"Ouch" just because I agree with his words, and they're ones I've thought to myself often. :/ Yes, I feel I do my part, and then some. But it's hard to let go of a marriage that has lots of other good in it for what sometimes feels selfish, even though my intellectual brain knows better.

I know exactly how you feel. It is just I feel like no one cares about my needs, so isn't that selfish on my wife's part?

 

[zipper01us]

My situation is similar. I love my wife as much as ever. Medical issues are not the whole problem but certainly a contributing factor.

I’m really having a hard time being true to mine !

 

[zipper01us]

I haven’t strayed yet in real life. I’m leaning on cyber relationships for now.

I would like that but been having a hard time establishing one !

 

[zipper01us]

It does take time and patience. The high M/F ratio makes it harder. After several months I have explored and am exploring some contacts. We’ll see. All I can say is that there are good people here and honest women who appreciate cross-sex friendship. Go slow and be thoughtful and honest.

Thanks any leads let me know !

 

[LustyScribe]

Short-sighted, it seems... or just apathetic, maybe. I don't know. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when he (or she, in your case) has been told so many times what I'm missing and how I'm feeling and there's still no behavioral change, it just seems like he doesn't care enough to even bother. :/

For me, it seems like apathy. She really just doesn't care how important it is to me. She knows I write stories for individuals on here, but even that doesn't stir her to action or even emotion. I've been tempted to have her read some of them, just to see her reaction.

 

[NoUseForAnyName]

Short-sighted, it seems... or just apathetic, maybe. I don't know. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when he (or she, in your case) has been told so many times what I'm missing and how I'm feeling and there's still no behavioral change, it just seems like he doesn't care enough to even bother. :/

Well said.

 

[Strixaluco]

Short-sighted, it seems... or just apathetic, maybe. I don't know. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when he (or she, in your case) has been told so many times what I'm missing and how I'm feeling and there's still no behavioral change, it just seems like he doesn't care enough to even bother. :/

There are cases when I wonder if the not caring person is having hidden depression as a cause (both for not caring and for the lack of desires). Oraat least giving that benefit of doubt.

But it would be decent to at least discuss it even in that case. Depression isn't an excuse to being rude.

 

[NoUseForAnyName]

As he's dealing with chronic pain and recent disability status/loss of primary breadwinner role, I'm certain that's going on. And I do make allowances for that (as I'm a therapist by trade.) But when he steadfastly refuses any counseling (or even to talk much with me about it, really), it continues to show me that he's content with the status quo. I can't control his reactions, only my own. So I've been seeing a therapist friend for better coping on my end and for my own benefit, as I don't want resentment or bitterness in my life over this. She's been advocating boundary work (which is new to people-pleaser me.) But my overall happiness is my own responsibility, ultimately...I know this. It's just unfortunate that he's not more motivated to do his end of things, which would help us both in the long-run.

"But my overall happiness is my own responsibility"...I so do feel this. But in a relationship, in my opinion, there is a mutual responsibility that goes along with each one's own responsobility for himself/
herself.

 

[Strixaluco]

"But my overall happiness is my own responsibility"...I so do feel this. But in a relationship, in my opinion, there is a mutual responsibility that goes along with each one's own responsobility for himself/
herself.

The mutual responsibility is part of making the relationship work.

 

[NoUseForAnyName]

Now I wanna share something, that I am experiencing lately, and I don't know what to make of it. Been in a sexless marriage since 2013. I have communicated my desires and problems with this situation about two years ago. We thought about doing some counselling (which is still a possibility) but for various reasons did not go through with that yet. For a time, my wife tried to cater to my needs but it did not really work as things got back to the way they were after about two months.

Now, what I find bothersome, every time my wife does try to make "advances" on me, instead of me savoring every single instance of that (I am desperately craving sex), I am the one pushing her away and refusing. And to be franky I understand this, my body's/mind's reaction.

Anyone with similar experiences? What do you make of it?

 

[NoUseForAnyName]

I absolutely believe that each person has their own limit on what they can have (or lack) in a marriage and still believe that there are positives worth staying for. That is such an individual call, though, and it really does require enough self-awareness and self love to advocate for oneself. And then it requires the courage to leave if your limits have been met.

Again, I agree 100%

 

[NoUseForAnyName]

Resentment, maybe? Or a refusal based on having to ask for it first, which takes the spontaneous joy out of it?

I am fearing, it might be the former. I don't wanna be that person, but at this point it doesn't feel I have control over it.

 

[Strixaluco]

I absolutely believe that each person has their own limit on what they can have (or lack) in a marriage and still believe that there are positives worth staying for. That is such an individual call, though, and it really does require enough self-awareness and self love to advocate for oneself. And then it requires the courage to leave if your limits have been met.

I'd add that the net sum should also be on the positive side. The more the relationship gives you otherwise, the more you are willing to lack, until that certain limit.

 

[mojodoug]

Now I wanna share something, that I am experiencing lately, and I don't know what to make of it. Been in a sexless marriage since 2013. I have communicated my desires and problems with this situation about two years ago. We thought about doing some counselling (which is still a possibility) but for various reasons did not go through with that yet. For a time, my wife tried to cater to my needs but it did not really work as things got back to the way they were after about two months.

Now, what I find bothersome, every time my wife does try to make "advances" on me, instead of me savoring every single instance of that (I am desperately craving sex), I am the one pushing her away and refusing. And to be franky I understand this, my body's/mind's reaction.

Anyone with similar experiences? What do you make of it?

I refer to this as the "Mercy Fuck Syndrome". In truth you may want the emotional attachment (passion) as much as the sex. A partner who, with the best of intentions, wants to give pleasure but essentially can't/won't feel it in a sexual act makes it seem like a chore. We all want the one we love to feel joy and share the experience at a equal level.

 

[IASFPWTF]

As he's dealing with chronic pain and recent disability status/loss of primary breadwinner role, I'm certain that's going on. And I do make allowances for that (as I'm a therapist by trade.) But when he steadfastly refuses any counseling (or even to talk much with me about it, really), it continues to show me that he's content with the status quo. I can't control his reactions, only my own. So I've been seeing a therapist friend for better coping on my end and for my own benefit, as I don't want resentment or bitterness in my life over this. She's been advocating boundary work (which is new to people-pleaser me.) But my overall happiness is my own responsibility, ultimately...I know this. It's just unfortunate that he's not more motivated to do his end of things, which would help us both in the long-run.

I like that! My overall happiness is my own responsibility...... That may make what I need to do easier to live with.

 

[HampshireBoy]

I refer to this as the "Mercy Fuck Syndrome". In truth you may want the emotional attachment (passion) as much as the sex. A partner who, with the best of intentions, wants to give pleasure but essentially can't/won't feel it in a sexual act makes it seem like a chore. We all want the one we love to feel joy and share the experience at a equal level.

That's a fair point. Before I was married I had a friend whom suffered from vaginal dryness, amongst other issues. On occasion, knowing that I was feeling horny, she would lubricate well and offer herself. To be honest it wasn't that great, because I knew she wasn't getting that much from it and was tense worrying she would get sore. So neither of us got that much from a mercy fuck.

 

[Deadbed1968]

Bump because this is an important topic.

 

[Mtnmike]

I refer to this as the "Mercy Fuck Syndrome". In truth you may want the emotional attachment (passion) as much as the sex. A partner who, with the best of intentions, wants to give pleasure but essentially can't/won't feel it in a sexual act makes it seem like a chore. We all want the one we love to feel joy and share the experience at a equal level.

Thank You, " Mercy Fuck Syndrome ", didn't know there was a name for it, good to know.
Now I know what to say if she ever offers again, unlikely but.

 

[Deadbed1968]

Thank You, " Mercy Fuck Syndrome ", didn't know there was a name for it, good to know.
Now I know what to say if she ever offers again, unlikely but.

It was this exact experience that drove our (wife and I) conversation about our dead bedroom. She would usually agree to be intimate when I asked, but everything about the situation screamed “Mercy Fuck”. I felt awful. She never initiated, and told me she was never feeling horny, or interested in sex.

 

[Strixaluco]

It was this exact experience that drove our (wife and I) conversation about our dead bedroom. She would usually agree to be intimate when I asked, but everything about the situation screamed “Mercy Fuck”. I felt awful. She never initiated, and told me she was never feeling horny, or interested in sex.

That is so sad. Although I do know how it may feel for her, I've had that happened to me as well, but I didn't stay in that relationships for too long anymore (it wasn't the only thing off).

It was so different when I at one time lost my libido due to depression meds. I wasn't horny or initiating sex, but I still enjoyed it. No orgasm, but the intimacy was a big thing. And my partner at the time didn't ever seem to feel it was a mercy fuck - which it wasn't, it was one of the few things I still enjoyed at the time.

 

[Deadbed1968]

That is so sad. Although I do know how it may feel for her, I've had that happened to me as well, but I didn't stay in that relationships for too long anymore (it wasn't the only thing off).

It was so different when I at one time lost my libido due to depression meds. I wasn't horny or initiating sex, but I still enjoyed it. No orgasm, but the intimacy was a big thing. And my partner at the time didn't ever seem to feel it was a mercy fuck - which it wasn't, it was one of the few things I still enjoyed at the time.

Thank you, but for us it has a (so far) happy ending. We had the difficult talk, and it was my wife who proposed having scheduled sex. Wednesday and Sunday nights. I was skeptical, it seemed too arbitrary. As it turns out though, at least in our case, that after a few weeks we were BOTH looking forward to our intimate time together. Sort of a use it or lose it situation. We are both much happier with the sex situation. I’m optimistic that this will hold for the future.

 

[Strixaluco]

Thank you, but for us it has a (so far) happy ending. We had the difficult talk, and it was my wife who proposed having scheduled sex. Wednesday and Sunday nights. I was skeptical, it seemed too arbitrary. As it turns out though, at least in our case, that after a few weeks we were BOTH looking forward to our intimate time together. Sort of a use it or lose it situation. We are both much happier with the sex situation. I’m optimistic that this will hold for the future.

Now upon reading that I think I have read you telling about that before. It's good that you found a way that works for you. And anticipation usually works greatly in favor of good sex.

 

[crappyfisherman]

I am in a sexless marriage. My wife has not interest in sex at all. I feel bad but I have met up with a few guys - mutual oral.

I am in the same situation with my wife. No interest in sex. It's painful for her and she has no drive. I have never strayed but I fantasize about finding a guy to trade BJ's. Live in Columbus and travel overnight around OH for work. Been married for 40 years.

 

[Deadbed1968]

I am in the same situation with my wife. No interest in sex. It's painful for her and she has no drive. I have never strayed but I fantasize about finding a guy to trade BJ's. Live in Columbus and travel overnight around OH for work. Been married for 40 years.

It was painful for my wife as well. I think the anticipation that it was going to hurt created a self fulfilling prophecy. She thought it would hurt and so it did. The first few times, we needed to go very slow and use plenty of lube. Since then: no pain. Again, this was our case, your mileage may vary.

I also make extra sure to warm her up with lots of foreplay too (kissing, touching, oral).

 

[Hardhubby2020]

I’m a married, male, age 65. Though I am in a Near sexless marriage, it’s the lack of passion and spontaneity that I miss so much. I crave passion and seek it outside of my marriage. I’ve not cheated in 10 years but honestly would do so at any time with the right woman. My sex drive is not much different than it was when I was in my 20’s. I hope to find that passion again before my fire burns out, though I don’t see that happening soon. I masturbate ever few days, sometimes 2 or 3 times in a 24 hour period. I live in Central Texas and hope to hear from women that seek same no string or life changing situations… just sexual passion sharing.