Sexless Marriages

[dawn_of_night]

Honest conversations go a long way, more so than I thought it would...
I know my situation is way different than a typical (married man) but as a committed partner to a female that also isnt interested anymore, we found a neutral ground that still allows for intimacy, even if it didn't end in sex or orgasms...
It involves contact and touch and the things that we crave as love languages.



My point was, or is, have the hard conversations, obviously somewhere we stopped communicating effectively...

That is all, thank you....

 

[Mtnmike]

Honest conversations go a long way, more so than I thought it would...
I know my situation is way different than a typical (married man) but as a committed partner to a female that also isnt interested anymore, we found a neutral ground that still allows for intimacy, even if it didn't end in sex or orgasms...
It involves contact and touch and the things that we crave as love languages.



My point was, or is, have the hard conversations, obviously somewhere we stopped communicating effectively...

That is all, thank you....

True but it takes 2 to have the conversations, unfortunately mine never wanted to have those so after a few years I gave up and started doing what I wanted, good or bad a person has to look out for themselves.

 

[dawn_of_night]

True but it takes 2 to have the conversations, unfortunately mine never wanted to have those so after a few years I gave up and started doing what I wanted, good or bad a person has to look out for themselves.

Yea.
Mine was open to the initial conversation and listened, showed me i was and what I wanted was also important...

My theory is,
If I love you, and you love me, then if its important to you, then it should also be important to me, even of its not my forst choice of interests....

Ive said this to all of my partners, sexual or life, or business even....

To me, its a courtesy of commitment ....

 

[dawn_of_night]

True but it takes 2 to have the conversations,

Very true,

unfortunately mine never wanted to have those

And this is where the other, much more difficult, conversations come about...

so after a few years I gave up and started doing what I wanted, good or bad a person has to look out for themselves.

And ultimately this....


Im sorry it came to that

 

[HampshireBoy]

kudos to your wife..

I'm not sure what people expect their partner to do when there is a huge desire disparity within the relationship. Not to point out the obvious, but your friend's need to have occasional sex with his wife is NOT selfish, immature or perverted. It's what is supposed to happen in a marriage.

Not that such a thing is easy to assess at a distance, but does their marriage appear to be healthy apart from the lack sex?

As for shaming him for watching porn... Given the ubiquitousness of porn, I think there needs to be more discussion about it within relationships. My wife and I have frequent sex and yet I still masturbate and will occasionally look at porn. My wife knows this and understands that it has NOTHING to do with her - it isn't because she isn't beautiful enough, young enough, or kinky enough, etc.. It's simply because I need a sexual outlet to make up for a very wide libido disparity. I think it works in our relationship in part because I am upfront about it and I promise her that I have no interest in any porn that involves or depicts non-consent, or misogyny. Indeed, my preference is for watching couples near our own age doing things we pretty much do.

Anyway... good luck to your friend.

TBH I'm not sure how I'd classify their marriage, they met at university and been married over 30 years. He has now effectively retired, at 62, and she is running down her work. Like a lot of married couples they seem to be habit rather than in love (if that makes sense) but that is an impression from the outside, based on the odd meal out together and what she tells my wife. He and I aren't friends so I don't hear his side. My wife agrees that she is being very selfish and has told her she needs to have an honest conversation with her husband, but isn't convinced that it will happen.

As for ourselves, my wife has brought up the subject several times since then, all along the lines of she feels guilty and wants to do "better". I can't really tell her that, on the odd occasion that we do have sex, it is nowhere near as good as it used to be as at the back of my mind I know that she is forcing herself rather than really enjoying it. Shit situation all round. The upshot is that I'll continue to take odd private moments, and there are probably occasions when she thinks she knows that I'm masturbating - some of which I'm just quietly doing something and some I'm having a nice stroke.

 

[TheLateNightFantasy]

As for ourselves, my wife has brought up the subject several times since then, all along the lines of she feels guilty and wants to do "better". I can't really tell her that, on the odd occasion that we do have sex, it is nowhere near as good as it used to be as at the back of my mind I know that she is forcing herself rather than really enjoying it. Shit situation all round. The upshot is that I'll continue to take odd private moments, and there are probably occasions when she thinks she knows that I'm masturbating - some of which I'm just quietly doing something and some I'm having a nice stroke.

It's good that your talking. It's not an ideal situation but I would encourage the few intimate moments with your wife over any one nighters with strangers.

I'm going to say something selfish, although we do occasionally have sex there are times when somebody really annoys me and I could do with a good orgasm. Im sure somebody will come up with some medical text. It would be great if my wife would help me out with this but asking has become I little painfully. So there we are, I'm laying awake and she is snoring and at these times taking care of my own needs feels wrong.

 

[HampshireBoy]

It's good that your talking. It's not an ideal situation but I would encourage the few intimate moments with your wife over any one nighters with strangers.

Definitely, given a choice between the love, affection and cuddles with my wife (and very rare sex) and sex with someone outside of our marriage I am 100% sticking with my wife. Private time fills a gap and I enjoy an occasional online flirt but that is all.

I'm going to say something selfish, although we do occasionally have sex there are times when somebody really annoys me and I could do with a good orgasm. Im sure somebody will come up with some medical text. It would be great if my wife would help me out with this but asking has become I little painfully. So there we are, I'm laying awake and she is snoring and at these times taking care of my own needs feels wrong.

A lot of us in similar positions.

Even when we had a full and active sex life there are times when solo time was just what was needed. There are definitely nights when my wife drops off quick because she is exhausted and I'm laying there edging, getting to orgasm would feel wrong but edging is such fun.

 

[NancyPan]

Definitely, given a choice between the love, affection and cuddles with my wife (and very rare sex) and sex with someone outside of our marriage I am 100% sticking with my wife. Private time fills a gap and I enjoy an occasional online flirt but that is all.


A lot of us in similar positions.

Even when we had a full and active sex life there are times when solo time was just what was needed. There are definitely nights when my wife drops off quick because she is exhausted and I'm laying there edging, getting to orgasm would feel wrong but edging is such fun.

Why not tell your wife just this, that you’d like to have more orgasms? My wife manages mine (to the benefit of both of us), but I have the freedom to ask for a release. My masturbation is always supervised, takes little effort on her part … actually, sometimes her disinterest arouses me (she might continue reading her book or watching her show): other times she watches intently and makes comments.

Talk about it!

 

[HampshireBoy]

Why not tell your wife just this, that you’d like to have more orgasms? My wife manages mine (to the benefit of both of us), but I have the freedom to ask for a release. My masturbation is always supervised, takes little effort on her part … actually, sometimes her disinterest arouses me (she might continue reading her book or watching her show): other times she watches intently and makes comments.

Talk about it!

Been there, tried that. To be honest, I've had a couple of female friends who were very good at stroking my cock but my wife just doesn't quite have the knack. She would, and has offered, but I've declined.

 

[NancyPan]

Been there, tried that. To be honest, I've had a couple of female friends who were very good at stroking my cock but my wife just doesn't quite have the knack. She would, and has offered, but I've declined.

Perhaps you are misunderstanding me, I am not suggesting that you ask that she give you a handjob. I am suggesting that you masturbate in her presence and with her permission, rather than secretly edging next to her while she is sleeping.

Not sure what you mean when you say “Been there, done that,” because you say that getting to an orgasm while she is sleeping would feel wrong. Would it feel wrong if you had her consent?

 

[LMWM321]

Perhaps you are misunderstanding me, I am not suggesting that you ask that she give you a handjob. I am suggesting that you masturbate in her presence and with her permission, rather than secretly edging next to her while she is sleeping.

Not sure what you mean when you say “Been there, done that,” because you say that getting to an orgasm while she is sleeping would feel wrong. Would it feel wrong if you had her consent?

Agree...

Several times per month I will ask my wife if I can masturbate as she reads before we go to sleep. And sometimes I'll ask if I can cum on her feet or if she'll lift her shirt and let me cum on her breasts. I promise to wipe it off with a hot damp washcloth so she doesn't need to even leave the bed.

She totally understands that my masturbating is a way to cope with our different sex drives. ..And doing it in her presence - and even onto her skin - is way to make it feel more like a shared sexual encounter. ..I find it WAYYY better than jerking off alone to porn.

Early on she didn't know what to make of my cuming on her - ie., was it a domination, marking my territory kinda thing? And I assured that was NOT. ..I explained that it's pleasurable to see my orgasm on her beautiful skin - the skin that helped bring me to a climax. And she believed me, why? Because it's true! It's exactly how I feel about it.

We've come a long way. 20 years ago.. masturbating was something I'd do only once she left the house. And I'd never mention it. Now, it's something I do in plain view and do so without ANY embarrassment. And she enjoys watching it too.. No, she doesn't orgasm from it, but she derives a degree of satisfaction knowing that I still adore body.

PLUS, by watching me masturbate... my wife better understands how to stroke me when the mood strikes.

 

[dawn_of_night]

There are definitely nights when my wife drops off quick because she is exhausted and I'm laying there edging, getting to orgasm would feel wrong but edging is such fun.

This is a conversation we also had, because the guilt was earring me alive, because I wouldnt stop.... id finish, she had no idea... and even when discussing it said If I hadn't mentioned it wouldn't have known any difference but since I had brought it up, she was happy to know I was taking caRe if things and that the guilt was all in my head...
Her rule is "dont wake me up "

‍♀

Okay babe...

 

[NancyPan]

Agree...

Several times per month I will ask my wife if I can masturbate as she reads before we go to sleep. And sometimes I'll ask if I can cum on her feet or if she'll lift her shirt and let me cum on her breasts. I promise to wipe it off with a hot damp washcloth so she doesn't need to even leave the bed.

I LOVE this! I am not into feet, but sometimes I am allowed what we call “pussy gazing” where my wife spreads her legs and I can see what I am being denied while I jerk off and she ignores me. Since she things it enhances our relationship for me to be in a sustained state of arousal, she is just as likely to say no as yes when I ask to masturbate. I find the act of asking tremendously erotically humiliating.

Sometimes she wants an orgasm, then she generally denies me a release because she wants my focus totally on her pussy.

She totally understands that my masturbating is a way to cope with our different sex drives. ..And doing it in her presence - and even onto her skin - is way to make it feel more like a shared sexual encounter. ..I find it WAYYY better than jerking off alone to porn.

Absolutely!

Early on she didn't know what to make of my cuming on her - ie., was it domination, marking my territory thing? And I assured that was NOT. ..I explained that it's pleasurable to see my orgasm on her beautiful skin - the skin that helped bring me to a climax. And she believed me. Why? Because it's true! It's exactly how I feel about it.

We've come a long way. 20 years ago.. masturbating was something I'd only do if she left the house. And I'd never mention it. Now, it's something I do in plain view and do so without ANY embarrassment. And she enjoys watching it too.. No, she doesn't orgasm from it, but she derives a degree of satisfaction knowing that I still adore body.

PLUS, by watching me masturbate... my wife better understands how to stroke me when the mood strikes.

Yes, I know my Wife finds it reinforcing that my sexual desires are focused on HER,

 

[NancyPan]

This is a conversation we also had, because the guilt was earring me alive, because I wouldnt stop.... id finish, she had no idea... and even when discussing it said If I hadn't mentioned it wouldn't have known any difference but since I had brought it up, she was happy to know I was taking caRe if things and that the guilt was all in my head...
Her rule is "dont wake me up "

‍♀

Okay babe...

These are some smart women we are privileged to be with!

 

[AusHubby72]

I'm in same boat. Wife informed me that she was "no longer sexual" and that's the end of that. I'm not sure what to do about it long term, but I have no plans to never have sex again. In the meantime I enjoy chat and cam with men and women in the same situation to help each other get off.. hit me up if you want some fun.

 

[Stucoy101]

I'm in same boat. Wife informed me that she was "no longer sexual" and that's the end of that. I'm not sure what to do about it long term, but I have no plans to never have sex again. In the meantime I enjoy chat and cam with men and women in the same situation to help each other get off.. hit me up if you want some fun.

Same here. She no longer is interested, doesn't seem to be any change there. Feel stuck, frustrated.

 

[cadman7777]

My wife acted like she she liked sex before we got married.....she sucked me good them....now it is very rare and a long time in between times. Honestly it's kind of frustrating