Sexless Marriages

[HarleySan]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

I’ve been in a sexless marriage since 2017. I miss sex a lot. I wanted sex badly and he said he was asexual all of a sudden. I’m even getting a divorce now. It is a lot of issues all together for the divorce. I’m looking for a man to text with. No pictures

 

[LeeKee]

Again, the pronoun "they" was used as a generic and anonymous reference in my situation. But honestly, it could apply to larger circles. No way this can be a unique case.

 

[justyouraveragedaniel]

Yeah that’s not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about anticipating needs the way women do.

Dishes? Do them. Properly.
Trash full? Take it out without being asked.
Make your own appointments and keep them.
Participate in the emotional labor of parenting.
Do the laundry when it’s full not when your wife says to do it.

The way men think they can skirt by and let women do 97% of everything and be the hero when they ‘step up’ is a huge reason your wives don’t want to fuck you. Once menopause has entered the chat, there’s more clarity in our brains as well.

So it’s not 100% the case for all of you that she doesn’t want sex at all. Now, menopause libido drop is so real and the answer for ever woman isn’t always hormones. Sometimes intimacy is sex. Sometimes it’s knowing she just wants you to pick up the slack - consistently.

ETA not blaming anyone just giving you a common female perspective

I agree that women do more, inherently. But there has to be communication at some point. I’ve done this with my wife. “Tell me the things on your plate I don’t know about so I can help.” That isn’t a direction to take out the trash. But it is a direction for “Jesus while you’re still working, I’m filling out all these fucking forms for our kid to go to school, and I just want you with me while I do them.” Or “I’m always the one putting everything on the calendar, take initiative.”

We, as men, need to ask what it is that we are not doing, otherwise we don’t know because women do an amazing job of just getting shit done.

Sad, but true, story. It was not until I was like 37 that I knew a dishwasher had a filter that needed to be cleaned. My wife just did it. Now, I know that she hated that I never did it. So I make sure to check it and clean it, without having to be asked.

 

[justyouraveragedaniel]

I brought her coffee yesterday in bed and started licking her inner thighs asking if I could eat her pussy. No go

Listen, my sex life ain’t great. But I trust that when I start “doing things” with the expectation of sex, the transactional nature is a turnoff. You don’t bring her coffee in bed cause you love her. You bring her coffee in bed for sex. Try just bringing her coffee in bed. Make sure she is loved. Probably will get you a bettter end tesult

 

[Cultivateddesires]

I agree that women do more, inherently. But there has to be communication at some point. I’ve done this with my wife. “Tell me the things on your plate I don’t know about so I can help.” That isn’t a direction to take out the trash. But it is a direction for “Jesus while you’re still working, I’m filling out all these fucking forms for our kid to go to school, and I just want you with me while I do them.” Or “I’m always the one putting everything on the calendar, take initiative.”

We, as men, need to ask what it is that we are not doing, otherwise we don’t know because women do an amazing job of just getting shit done.

Sad, but true, story. It was not until I was like 37 that I knew a dishwasher had a filter that needed to be cleaned. My wife just did it. Now, I know that she hated that I never did it. So I make sure to check it and clean it, without having to be asked.

Dishwasher filter sounds like a blue job to me.

 

[Cultivateddesires]

Emily Nagoski (as report in The Times) says you need

1/ Friendship
2/ A mutual interest in sex
3/ Learn appropriate sex for your relationship and season (age)

2 is crucial and for my situation, where it falls over. Without 2 you cannot learn 3.

Although (most) porn & erotica also actively undermines 3.

 

[LMWM321]

Emily Nagoski (as report in The Times) says you need

1/ Friendship
2/ A mutual interest in sex
3/ Learn appropriate sex for your relationship and season (age)

2 is crucial and for my situation, where it falls over. Without 2 you cannot learn 3.

Although (most) porn & erotica also actively undermines 3.

The book Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski was assigned to my wife and I by our Sex Therapist. It was enormously helpful in getting our sex life back on track after my wife went through Menopause. Among other things, it taught us that the goal of intimacy is to enjoy the closeness rather than always chasing an orgasm.

1 & 2 seem pretty obvious, but not 3! And I agree that most porn undermines 3. I made the following mistake in my marriage.

When my wife's interest in sex began plummeting during menopause, I had the brilliant idea of convincing her to watch some porn with me - something she never does. I thought seeing handsome young men with gorgeous bodies might ignite an interest in sex. So, I cued up a video of two couples having group sex. I'll never forget how her eyes welled with tears as she looked at me and said, "why on earth would you think watching four gorgeous, tight-bodied 30-somethings writhing and moaning in ecstasy would do anything but make me feel worse about my changing body and my struggle to enjoy even basic masturbation?" UGH!!! I felt like such an idiot. I clearly missed the mark. I've not made that mistake again. And I'm careful to not let porn take my sexual interests to places that my wife wouldn't follow.

We talk about the porn I'm looking at and once every great while I'll show her a clip of something we might like trying. She's fine with that. AND she has my login/ PW for Literotica and is encouraged to read my posts. Like alcohol, gambling, THC, etc. porn can be a harmless indulgence… Or it can be incredibly destructive to relationships. I do everything I can to prevent it from damaging mine.

 

[Merideth34]

Listen, my sex life ain’t great. But I trust that when I start “doing things” with the expectation of sex, the transactional nature is a turnoff. You don’t bring her coffee in bed cause you love her. You bring her coffee in bed for sex. Try just bringing her coffee in bed. Make sure she is loved. Probably will get you a bettter end tesult

True that

 

[sandybrooke]

Listen, my sex life ain’t great. But I trust that when I start “doing things” with the expectation of sex, the transactional nature is a turnoff. You don’t bring her coffee in bed cause you love her. You bring her coffee in bed for sex. Try just bringing her coffee in bed. Make sure she is loved. Probably will get you a bettter end tesult

Thanks for the advise.

 

[BobbyandtheCabin]

Sorry in advance for the rant/essay.

I go through flits of finding it unbearable, and getting by. Since being back at the gym and working on myself, it's worse because the testosterone is pumping and I feel a physical urge to burn energy via a pleasuremaxxxxing fuckathon .

Unfortunately I have social media algorithms relentlessly sharing reels with me either about the basic advice repeated now ('foreplay is the whole day and starts when you get up in the morning'), 'women don't lose their drive, they just don't like you', 'they dont want it because men don't make them cum', or the videos that do say this is a crucial element a man needs in his life to feel connection etc., with comment sections of 'great now how do i get my wife to see this reel?' .

Sometimes you are just with someone who doesn't have a particular interest in the parts of a relationship that typically make a relationship. My other half grew up in a house with parents who hated each other, sat in separate lounges, slept on separate beds, and so she even struggles with hugs half the time. The honeymoon phase hid that.

For her, if we ever have it, sex is transactional. Foreplay is a waste of time in her eyes unless she can't be bothered moving but still wants to cum. She wants to get on top and cum as quickly as possible, and wants me to hurry up after so it's over and done with, with no interest in exploration, indulgence, or fun. It's hell. I haven't cum the last 3 times we had sex (which has been spread over the last couple of years), because frankly I'm not into not feeling like a person isn't that into me. When I look at her I see the person who has rejected me for years, put more and more guardrails on the sex life we did have until it became nothing, and has made it my sole responsibility to maintain the relationship, unrequited.

We live quite demanding lives at the moment, and she puts a lot of this down to that. We're built different and it makes me want closeness more, whereas it makes her want space. The things she sees as significant acts of love are to me the most basic considerstion for other human beings that I'd have and do for someone I passed in the street.

'Then why are you with her' I hear you shout. Focussing purely on the negatives so no one accuses me of being the optimist (! ) I have significantly more to lose if we ever split. So for now I just have to hope and pray things get better.

I come here, chat with women, enjoy them saying nice things about me, and pretend for a little bit everything is nice and ok.

 

[sps314]

We're both 53. Wife and i were very sexual until menopause. I understand the hormonal issues and the fact that there are physical changes and im sensitive to all of that. Its been maybe a year now of me and my fleshlight and her not even thinking about it. Like, ever. She said she's not turned off by me (I am disabled due to long covid and multiple symptoms but sex drive isn't one of them), but she says she doesn't think about sex at all, with anyone. It just doesn't even cross her mind now. That's troubling because I can't change that much. I mean I can initiate it and can turn her on enough that she will get wet and play with me back but as a pro at making a woman cum multiple times (that helps me stay hard because its so sexy watching and hearing her build to it and then cum), but now its a struggle to get to just one. I can usually get there with her but then, its basically over. She's done and im left to my own devices. Sometimes she helps but most times she say to go ahead and do what I need to do to cum. Sometimes she'll watch which is a turn on but otherwise she'll just fall asleep and I take care of it. I have brought up alternatives like asking if it would be OK or have her permission to find someone else for just sex. She's never really given me an answer which to me, says no, she doesn't want that. But then what? I want to be desired and wanted too... i have "friends with benefits " that are only through messenger texting or sharing pics of videos but that can only help so much. I mean, better than nothing for sure, so im open to that. But I've sent her links from AARP regarding sex after 50, studies, Cosmo articles, etc. to help her look into things that might or could help her be more sexual and it seems she doesn't even care that its a problem. Its getting to the point where if she doesn't care that its a problem then im not gonna care that its an issue for her if I find it elsewhere, in person with my play friends.

 

[Pavlovsdog6862]

I thought that's why we were all here! I thought it was a prerequisite to be able to join Lit!

Pretty sure it is

 

[Logan314]

Hi. Older male in Missouri. Sexless marriage unfortunately. We have two grown kids back at home, one for health reasons. So its a strain. Her libido is gone but mine increases. Interested in ladies and select couples.

 

[LMWM321]

Hi. Older male in Missouri. Sexless marriage unfortunately. We have two grown kids back at home, one for health reasons. So its a strain. Her libido is gone but mine increases.

Again.. heartbreaking.

So, one spouse gets to have EXACTLY the amount of sex they want to be sexually-satisfied - which is zero - while other spouse gets precisely NONE of the sex they want to be satisfied. Got it.

Yeah, marriage as an institution needs a bit of a re-think. Young couples contemplating it should take notice of all these sexless marriages and agree ahead of time what should happen if one of them decides they no longer want sex. And divorcing or living out the rest of your life without sex is a Sophie's Choice.

Mind you, I LOVE the idea of marriage; of having someone to share your life's journey with. ..But this idea of one just unilaterally ending sex for both? Yes, something needs to give. And I think it will be that when one spouse no longer wants sex, they must allow the other to find it elsewhere, so THEY can be happy, too..

As I've said before, for many of us... Sex is as important to a well-lived life as laughter. And who among us would tell us a spouse they can never laugh again?

 

[Live4themoments]

Apologies if this has already been addressed previously as I haven't gone through nearly 5800 previous posts. Wondering if couples who aren't legally married (on paper) but have a long term committed relationship with their significant other. After many years together do they experience a similar sexless marriage as we do?

 

[Merideth34]

Apologies if this has already been addressed previously as I haven't gone through nearly 5800 previous posts. Wondering if couples who aren't legally married (on paper) but have a long term committed relationship with their significant other. After many years together do they experience a similar sexless marriage as we do?

That’s a good question

 

[Yesplzzz00]

We're both 53. Wife and i were very sexual until menopause. I understand the hormonal issues and the fact that there are physical changes and im sensitive to all of that. Its been maybe a year now of me and my fleshlight and her not even thinking about it. Like, ever. She said she's not turned off by me (I am disabled due to long covid and multiple symptoms but sex drive isn't one of them), but she says she doesn't think about sex at all, with anyone. It just doesn't even cross her mind now. That's troubling because I can't change that much. I mean I can initiate it and can turn her on enough that she will get wet and play with me back but as a pro at making a woman cum multiple times (that helps me stay hard because its so sexy watching and hearing her build to it and then cum), but now its a struggle to get to just one. I can usually get there with her but then, its basically over. She's done and im left to my own devices. Sometimes she helps but most times she say to go ahead and do what I need to do to cum. Sometimes she'll watch which is a turn on but otherwise she'll just fall asleep and I take care of it. I have brought up alternatives like asking if it would be OK or have her permission to find someone else for just sex. She's never really given me an answer which to me, says no, she doesn't want that. But then what? I want to be desired and wanted too... i have "friends with benefits " that are only through messenger texting or sharing pics of videos but that can only help so much. I mean, better than nothing for sure, so im open to that. But I've sent her links from AARP regarding sex after 50, studies, Cosmo articles, etc. to help her look into things that might or could help her be more sexual and it seems she doesn't even care that its a problem. Its getting to the point where if she doesn't care that its a problem then im not gonna care that its an issue for her if I find it elsewhere, in person with my play friends.

My situation exactly.