FunDareGuy
Really Experienced
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How do you cope? 
Sexless marriage?
- Thread starter FunDareGuy
- Start date
viskalvaere
Really Experienced
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You talk to your SO about the problem. Possibly go to therapy. Decide if a sexless marriage is worth staying in. If it is, decide if you can have extra-marital relations. If not and you can't deal, you divorce.
willyeddy2001
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coping?
if you love your spouse yet you read porn and masturbate to cope. I have lots of fun doing it.
if you love your spouse yet you read porn and masturbate to cope. I have lots of fun doing it.
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
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viskalvaere has the right of it.
discuss openly & honestly, decide together, then act.
ed
discuss openly & honestly, decide together, then act.
ed
Exactly. If you are having problems with your marriage and are unhappy then TALK with your spouse. If the two of you can't work things out then ask for a divorce.
Unfortunately simply "talking to your spouse" isn't always as easy as it sounds. Often if there are serious underlying issues, the spouse may not want to talk about it for fear of embarrassment, judgement, anger, etc. It's ok to try to open lines of communication, but if they weren't really there in the past, they certainly won't be there because you try to open them unilaterally.
IF your spouse does not want to talk about it, then suggest professional or religious counseling (depending on your frame of reference). IF they refuse professional or religious counseling, then you could simpley state your needs and attitudes as was suggested. However, it would be unwise to "threaten" an outside relationship because this could really blow up and if you are caught in having such a relationship, prepare to face the difficulities of divorce.
It's important to note that marriage is more than just sex. It's important to look at your age and the duration of your marriage. The definition of "sexless" can have different extremes. One reference I sat considered a marriage where there was sex less than every few months as "sexless". For some people, perhaps much older people in their 60's or 70's who have been married for 40 years, that could be "normal". For people in their 20's, 30's and 40's, that could be considered pretty much sexless. No two marriages are alike and the only people who can decide what can work are those in the marriage.
Good luck.
IF your spouse does not want to talk about it, then suggest professional or religious counseling (depending on your frame of reference). IF they refuse professional or religious counseling, then you could simpley state your needs and attitudes as was suggested. However, it would be unwise to "threaten" an outside relationship because this could really blow up and if you are caught in having such a relationship, prepare to face the difficulities of divorce.
It's important to note that marriage is more than just sex. It's important to look at your age and the duration of your marriage. The definition of "sexless" can have different extremes. One reference I sat considered a marriage where there was sex less than every few months as "sexless". For some people, perhaps much older people in their 60's or 70's who have been married for 40 years, that could be "normal". For people in their 20's, 30's and 40's, that could be considered pretty much sexless. No two marriages are alike and the only people who can decide what can work are those in the marriage.
Good luck.
TexasWild
The cute guy next door
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How do you cope?
First of all, know that you are not the only one going through the same thing! Believe me
For whatever it is worth, you need to take stock of your life and what is important for you whether it is sex, family, faith etc...
Only you know but try to objectively look at the root of the problem. Is it physical, age or "the change." or is there a mental aspect to the problem like depression.
Try to talk to your spouse about your concerns and see what type of response that you might get. That is going to be hard and you may get some negative reactions back. Again on the other hand, communications is an important aspect of marriage and you may see some improvement.
If that does not work, then you at least need to find some professional help if nothing else to have someone that you can be honest with where sometimes even with friends, you have to hold things back. In addition, see if your spouse would like to seek therapy as a individual or as a couple.
Everyone is different and has their own slant on what you need to do. Believe me, I do not have the answers. I know that I still love my wife and would die for her but on the other hand, I am middle age man who needs some passion and good old sex which I am not getting from my wife.
Hang in there. I know that is not fun being in this situation.
I am living a sexless marriage. First is was partly my own doing because after so long of not being satisfied 30 years, and talking did no good, by body shut down and I became frigid for 15 years. Why my sex drive and desire came back I do not know but it did. I talked to hubby and we tried several times. He just cannot get hard no matter what the stimulus is, me sucking him for an hour, or porn on the computer, nothing works. He refuses to go to doctor and refuses all forms of therapy. 20 years ago we did go to family therapy, court ordered for the sake of our son, and therapist saw the two of us several times without our son. He refused to be honest and called me silly to say I wasn't satisfied. After all I got pregnant twice. The therapist said getting pregnant and being satisfied are two different things. But he still refused to see a medical doctor. Course then when I shut down the way I did and had no desire at all it was ok. We have been together 47 years. Our son is 42. I don't think I have been in love with him in probably 20 years but marriage is a commitment not based on emotions. I believe 10 years ago he started telling me to go get fucked and that was before my desire came back. After my desire came back and I began masturbating, reading erotic stories and even watching some porn, he told me I should find myself a lover and get my desire satisfied so I would quite masturbating. He doesn't like me masturbating. I feel that I cannot leave him because he is disabled and has dementia as well as ED and constant on going pain, so I take care of him as I always have. Things got worse when I lost my job and could no longer support him as he had become accustomed to.. So there is a lot of unhappiness. He wants me to leave but can't survive on his own. I finally did take a lover but, it wasn't good. And after the first time I stopped seeing this guy. The next guy was my husbands best friend, deacon, and sunday school teacher. It was based more on lust and mutual admiration plus despite how hard we fought to not fall in love I know he did, helping each other to feel better about our sexuality but he just couldn't continue and rededicated himself to God and it ended. I did find another guy local on Fetlife and began seeing him but it is more or less an off and on again relationship. He is a workaholic which is in my opinion why his wife and he have problems. I love our time together and it helps me cope but it is too short and too few times. I did experiment with meeting a Dom who turned out to be a wanna be Dom and after a rather disappointing 4 days he won't even talk to me. So basically I rely on masturbation, porn, and erotic stories. Plus I have an on line cyber lover and so that keeps me going in a sexless, loveless marriage. Just committed to helping him in that he can't do for himself. I know it is wrong in the eyes of the Church and yet in several instances it almost seemed like God was helping me to be able to do it. After all in 46 years of marriage he only worked about 6 years so I have always been the support of my family. And after I lost my job and started drawing social security it became extremely evident that he was upset that I was no longer working and making money. I struggle keeping up with him and cleaning up after him and taking care of his personal needs. It would not look good at all if I abandoned him in his helpless state. And we have had numerous discussions over the last year since my sex drive reawakened. and he doesn't care. He still will not accept that I never had orgasms and that I wan unsatisfied. I guess when I rolled over after and cried myself to sleep he never noticed or never cared. But now he cares even less. He thinks I can go to the store and get Viagra if I really wanted him to be able to do anything. I said you have to go to a doctor. maybe Viagra isn't what you need but he needs a doctors prescription to get it. He is 76 years old and stubborn as an ox, why he couldn't get and keep a job. Can't accept change and doesn't like being told what to do by anyone including his bosses. Has no control over his bodily functions and thus can't be out of the house longer than an hour without needing a bathroom and complete change of clothes. So though I am committed as I should be as a wife, I am in a loveless, sexless marriage and to avoid depression I turn to masturbation, erotic stories, some porn, and cyber sex. It works.
FunDareGuy
Really Experienced
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Thanks for the feedback everyone. Communication hasn't been what it needs to be, so that's where I plan to start. No physiological issues, though there might be som depression. Hoping for the best, for our sake and our daughter's sake.
TexasWild
The cute guy next door
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Best of luck-hope things improve-always welcome to PM if you need someone to talk to who is in the same boat.
I would love to chat with you - feel I am in a similar position in some ways - and would be nice to share sexual thoughts and fantasies with someone.
Sir Victor
Literotica Guru
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I have read that 50% of marriages end up sexless after about 10 years. For some there is just no thrill to it anymore and they become more like best friends or enemies perhaps. I was surprised to read this statistic and consider that these are only the ones that admit it.
bailadora
We create the dreams.
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Wishing you luck and success, for all your sakes. Please do come back and let us know how things are going.
If you need some ideas on how or where to start, please ask. There are several HT regulars who seem to have successfully managed to bridge the communication gap and improve their relationships, and it's been my experience that they're generally pretty helpful. I also would encourage you to look at past posts from Pplwatching. He's been pretty honest in open forum regarding some of the difficulties he and his wife experienced, as well as some of the tactics they've successfully used. He's good people and always willing to share his experiences, if he thinks it will aid someone else.
pplwatching
Full grown man
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As Bailadora said, my marriage was sexless for a long time. I coped as well as I could, but coping didn't do our marriage any favors. I could tell you how I coped, but I'd also have to tell you that it didn't make me happy. Porn and a kleenex could give me a little relief, but I hated it after a while. It left me feeling completely disconnected from my wife. Coping is an overnight stop in purgatory on the road to hell.
Communication isn't a magic wand. It can be a start but it's just one step in a journey. There are many different kinds of communication. Holding hands is communication. Back rubs are communication. Listening is communication. Telling our spouse how we feel is not, unless they are receptive to understanding what you have to say. There are marriage message boards full of resentful comments like, "She said she'd work on it but it didn't last a month." It's not always "she" either.
Healing a sexual breakdown in a marriage is a commitment to a process. It is a commitment to self discovery, of seeking to understand each other, and of accepting each other as unique sexual individuals. Most importantly it is the commitment that both lovers make to following through that heals a marriage.
In my marriage it started out with me figuring out that sex for me isn't about having an orgasm. For me, at least, "I need sex" is a grave oversimplification. Yes, it feels fantastic but it's also a deeply intimate form of communcation. I am not selfish for needing or wanting sex. Sex with my wife connects me to her, makes me feel close to her, validates me as sexually wanted, and most importantly gives me the opportunity to give her all of that too. It make me feel alive and it makes me feel that my love and marriage are alive and vibrant. Our marriage needed sex.
Prior to that epiphany, when I told her that I needed and wanted sex she didn't understand the nature of the problem. Telling her how I felt about the state of our sex life wasn't communication, because it wasn't a two way street. She knew that orgasms feel great and knew that sex is the most fun you can have with your clothes off, but she also knew that life after kids is tiring and drained her of any desire to have sex. She knew she didn't have sexual thoughts. She was like me in that she didn't see or understand that sex is so much more than that in our marriage.
Once I was able to understand all of that, and then able to express it, that's when communication started. I was able to ask for and to see her point of view. We were able to look at our marriage together and see that it was not living up to it's potential. We were able to make a commitment together to rebuild intimacy.
At first intimacy didn't involve a lot of sex, although she did make an effort to be an enthusiastic partner. We became problem solvers. We had to explore reasons why her libido and sexual response was flat, including the kind of birth control we were using. A lot of things were trial and error. Once we started talking, we had to keep talking. We had to keep making the effort together, because we both wanted to be married and both were unwilling to accept a mediocre marriage.
In my experience your best bet is not to cope, or to roll over and play dead while the resentment eats away at your marriage. I don't think that it's productive to say that "I need sex". It's much more productive to understand that "our marriage needs sex." Sex begins outside of the bedroom. It is holding hands, and back rubs, and doing little favors for each other to make our day a little nicer. It is looking each other in the eye and saying that we accept the responsibility for each other's sexual happiness.
Marriage is hard work sometimes, but rolling up our sleeves can be rewarding. Now, 20 years into our marriage, we're having great sex. We holds hands in the supermarket. We smile at each other. My wife flashes me her boobs when I come home from work. We're experimenting with kink and having a lot of fun. My wife has not turned me down for sex in years without a really good reason. "I'm tired" is a good reason, but she makes it up to me as soon as she can. I make it up to her, too.
If anyone had told me all those years ago that we'd be where we are today, I wouldn't have dared to hope. If either of us had said "this is not my problem" at any time during our crisis, we'd be divorced now. If not divorced, then certainly miserable. Who wants to have their love for their spouse be a miserable experience? There are lots of books on marriage, on understanding that we each have different needs, on love languages, and so on. Read them, talk about them, and make a commitment to each other to have your marriage reach it's potential.
Best of luck to you
Communication isn't a magic wand. It can be a start but it's just one step in a journey. There are many different kinds of communication. Holding hands is communication. Back rubs are communication. Listening is communication. Telling our spouse how we feel is not, unless they are receptive to understanding what you have to say. There are marriage message boards full of resentful comments like, "She said she'd work on it but it didn't last a month." It's not always "she" either.
Healing a sexual breakdown in a marriage is a commitment to a process. It is a commitment to self discovery, of seeking to understand each other, and of accepting each other as unique sexual individuals. Most importantly it is the commitment that both lovers make to following through that heals a marriage.
In my marriage it started out with me figuring out that sex for me isn't about having an orgasm. For me, at least, "I need sex" is a grave oversimplification. Yes, it feels fantastic but it's also a deeply intimate form of communcation. I am not selfish for needing or wanting sex. Sex with my wife connects me to her, makes me feel close to her, validates me as sexually wanted, and most importantly gives me the opportunity to give her all of that too. It make me feel alive and it makes me feel that my love and marriage are alive and vibrant. Our marriage needed sex.
Prior to that epiphany, when I told her that I needed and wanted sex she didn't understand the nature of the problem. Telling her how I felt about the state of our sex life wasn't communication, because it wasn't a two way street. She knew that orgasms feel great and knew that sex is the most fun you can have with your clothes off, but she also knew that life after kids is tiring and drained her of any desire to have sex. She knew she didn't have sexual thoughts. She was like me in that she didn't see or understand that sex is so much more than that in our marriage.
Once I was able to understand all of that, and then able to express it, that's when communication started. I was able to ask for and to see her point of view. We were able to look at our marriage together and see that it was not living up to it's potential. We were able to make a commitment together to rebuild intimacy.
At first intimacy didn't involve a lot of sex, although she did make an effort to be an enthusiastic partner. We became problem solvers. We had to explore reasons why her libido and sexual response was flat, including the kind of birth control we were using. A lot of things were trial and error. Once we started talking, we had to keep talking. We had to keep making the effort together, because we both wanted to be married and both were unwilling to accept a mediocre marriage.
In my experience your best bet is not to cope, or to roll over and play dead while the resentment eats away at your marriage. I don't think that it's productive to say that "I need sex". It's much more productive to understand that "our marriage needs sex." Sex begins outside of the bedroom. It is holding hands, and back rubs, and doing little favors for each other to make our day a little nicer. It is looking each other in the eye and saying that we accept the responsibility for each other's sexual happiness.
Marriage is hard work sometimes, but rolling up our sleeves can be rewarding. Now, 20 years into our marriage, we're having great sex. We holds hands in the supermarket. We smile at each other. My wife flashes me her boobs when I come home from work. We're experimenting with kink and having a lot of fun. My wife has not turned me down for sex in years without a really good reason. "I'm tired" is a good reason, but she makes it up to me as soon as she can. I make it up to her, too.
If anyone had told me all those years ago that we'd be where we are today, I wouldn't have dared to hope. If either of us had said "this is not my problem" at any time during our crisis, we'd be divorced now. If not divorced, then certainly miserable. Who wants to have their love for their spouse be a miserable experience? There are lots of books on marriage, on understanding that we each have different needs, on love languages, and so on. Read them, talk about them, and make a commitment to each other to have your marriage reach it's potential.
Best of luck to you
Que
aʒɑ̃ prɔvɔkatœr
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^^^^ this above is perfect.
In about our 17th year we had a similar re-birth. It was wonderful. I thought we had made it over the last, seemingly insurmountable hurdle.
Our marriage ended later, but I sure am glad it didn't simply fizzle to an end from neglect.
Either fight to recover intimacy or admit defeat and end it.
You can have an ENDLESS number of rewarding, close relationships with other humans of any gender that you AREN'T FUCKING. So why call it a marriage and subject yourself to a commitment of monogamy when it really is just celibacy.
Taking yourself out of the sexual marketplace WITHOUT sexual fulfillment is idiotic no matter how romantic your ideals are.
In about our 17th year we had a similar re-birth. It was wonderful. I thought we had made it over the last, seemingly insurmountable hurdle.
Our marriage ended later, but I sure am glad it didn't simply fizzle to an end from neglect.
Either fight to recover intimacy or admit defeat and end it.
You can have an ENDLESS number of rewarding, close relationships with other humans of any gender that you AREN'T FUCKING. So why call it a marriage and subject yourself to a commitment of monogamy when it really is just celibacy.
Taking yourself out of the sexual marketplace WITHOUT sexual fulfillment is idiotic no matter how romantic your ideals are.
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
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ppl, that was fucking awesome to read, man. absolutely fucking awesome.
ed
ed
Not Normal
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It's not easy, or smooth, most times, but this is how it goes.
Sexless and paragraphless
I'm not sure where you read this, but I strongly disagree. While sex with the same person can become routine and a bit boring, I doubt that as much as 50% of marriages become truly sexless. Perhaps the 5 times a week becomes 5 times a month or even a couple of times a month, but becoming totally sexless seems extreme. I've known women who have said that their husbands had lost interest or men who have said the same about their wives, but that often seemed to mean that the frequency had gone down and the mix of activities had become stale. I think that the "10 year" point (actually I read 11 years) is when most affairs occur. The "thinking about it" might start around 8-9 years in, but the resolve to actually go for it comes at about 11 years. It's important to try different things and keep expanding what you consider "normal" to keep interest alive. Unfortunately, that wasn't what happened in my case and unfortunately I became one of the "11 year affair" statistics.
In order to prevent a sexless marrage, it's important for both partners to make sex as much a priority as budgets, vacations, PTA conferences, work, whatever else is in your life. As it becomes "boring" it can die unless there is a conscious effort to keep it alive. A sex life needs a tune up and maintenance now and then just like anything else.
Que
aʒɑ̃ prɔvɔkatœr
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I think most marriages go through a "sexless" period..
It is almost always a symptom of something else...often unexpressed anger.
therapists define less than 10x per year is "Sexless"..I might buy that 50% of marriage hit a snag like that for a while and end or get better.
It is almost always a symptom of something else...often unexpressed anger.
therapists define less than 10x per year is "Sexless"..I might buy that 50% of marriage hit a snag like that for a while and end or get better.
How do you cope?
My wife went through the change a few years back and when she did she lost all interest. So now I come to sites like this and allow my imagination to take over.
Hypoxia
doesn't watch television
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We were nearly sexless for too long, but now we're back at it full-time. Coping? The sexless period still contained lots of physical attention and tenderness, just rare bedroom activity. No cheating, just lots of patience and eventual reconnection. Now, I can't believe how much time we wasted.
bambikiller
Really Really Experienced
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- Sep 11, 2008
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- 417
Well,
Tried the marriage consular twice, tried communication tried just holding on to her with no sex to get her back in to just touching each other.
Hell I get the occasional wam bamb thank you mam fuck but no fore play or good sex.
I got more tit rubbing against her sisters at the Christmas party than I had for a year with the wife.
I'm getting old enough where I don't know if it even works down there any more.
I put my time in for the kids.
Than once their out who knows I'll stick with her or I'm out but she's a good person and I love her.
The question is how much sexual frustration can you put up with.
Me, I don't know sometimes I just go crazy.
Just thank god there the internet and masterbation.
Tried the marriage consular twice, tried communication tried just holding on to her with no sex to get her back in to just touching each other.
Hell I get the occasional wam bamb thank you mam fuck but no fore play or good sex.
I got more tit rubbing against her sisters at the Christmas party than I had for a year with the wife.
I'm getting old enough where I don't know if it even works down there any more.
I put my time in for the kids.
Than once their out who knows I'll stick with her or I'm out but she's a good person and I love her.
The question is how much sexual frustration can you put up with.
Me, I don't know sometimes I just go crazy.
Just thank god there the internet and masterbation.
