Sex problem...

[biggysmallz]

OK, I got no friends good enough to go to about this so I'm asking hundreds of strangers (cause that makes sense). But, this girl I've been dating is still a virgin.

We started making out a couple nights ago on my couch, and we started getting handsy and getting more and more heated. And we were both naked and ready to go and she stopped me from entering her like, a second before I would have. She was really scared because my size (6 1/2ish" around). I asked her what was wrong, held her hand, kissed her occasionally to see if she was just nervous, that wasn't it. She said that widest thing she's ever had in her was 2 fingers (I'm about 4 of her fingers wide).

So basically, how do I help her calm down about my size? She told me that she's not scared about losing her virginity, she thinks I'm a guy good enough to take it so that's not a concern to her, it's just the thickness. Any ideas?

 

[Llan2193]

Personally, it sounds more like an excuse because she isn't ready to have sex.
Take it slow, let her be on top so she can control the depth and speed it enters her.

 

[cele2flowers]

Personally, it sounds more like an excuse because she isn't ready to have sex.
Take it slow, let her be on top so she can control the depth and speed it enters her.

I'm gonna agree to this, to a point. I don't think it sounds like an excuse. I've had sex for years and some thicknesses still scare me. All I can really say is lots and lots and lots of foreplay. It would make things easier when you do get to intercourse. Make sure there's some lube on hand, just to make sure. I'd work her up to it too with fingers. Maybe even a good vibe or silicon dildo. She'll need a little stretching out and that should help. She'll still feel some discomfort, but taking time to stretch her out a little bit will help a lot. Having her on top to control it all is also a good idea.

Hope it works out for ya!

 

[FurryFury]

If it's really about size, you can work on that with her agreement. I love seeing how many fingers he can get in me.

If it's really about her not being ready, be cool with that. That's my advice.

Fury

 

[biggysmallz]

I'm gonna agree to this, to a point. I don't think it sounds like an excuse. I've had sex for years and some thicknesses still scare me. All I can really say is lots and lots and lots of foreplay. It would make things easier when you do get to intercourse. Make sure there's some lube on hand, just to make sure. I'd work her up to it too with fingers. Maybe even a good vibe or silicon dildo. She'll need a little stretching out and that should help. She'll still feel some discomfort, but taking time to stretch her out a little bit will help a lot. Having her on top to control it all is also a good idea.

Hope it works out for ya!

Yeah, the foreplay didn't help, we made out for about 15 minutes, gave her an orgasm with my fingers and mouth so she was definitely wet enough, used 2 of my fingers (I'm 3 of my fingers wide) and she was writhing in pain (and pleasure too thankfully).

I didn't think about the dildo idea, don't know really how to introduce that to a woman I've never had full on sex with before though.

I've basically spent the past couple days trying to help her feel better cause she's gotten really down about it like shes embarassed or something even though I keep letting her know there's nothing to worry about and I still care for her as much as I did before.

I'm kinda worried about this ruining the relationship, cause she's been really down and acting kinda awkward around me. So it's kind of a weird thought to introduce toys at this time, but if its something that seems like it would work I'll try it. I'll try about anything cause I don't wanna lose her, especially because of this.

If it helps out heres what I've tried to introduce (all of which obviously haven't worked):

- extra foreplay/oral (gave her the 1 orgasm, she couldn't let herself get to a second cause she was stressing out)

- lube (still got scared)

- her on top (she didn't see the difference)

- fingers (2 cause her a lot of pain, duno what the feeling of another finger would do)

Sorry bout the length of the post, just trying to get as much advice as I can. It's a problem I've sort of had before, but never to this extent were their was so much nerves/fear/whatever about my thickness that it prevented everything and had this kinda mental effect between us.

 

[CorsetLvr]

And have some lube available, just in case you need it.

 

[FaeryFire]

To me it sounds more like fear than anything else. What I would do is drop the sex thing all together. Don't ask for it, don't even suggest it. Tell her that you love her and would stay with her even if you's never got to have sex, then just drop it.

I'm not saying don't be intimate at all, but put her in control and don't make her feel like everything is just an effort to work her upto sex. If you drive her wild enough eventually she will overcome her fear and she'll ask/seduce you. You might have to be very patient, but it will be worth it.

Goodluck!

 

[cele2flowers]

Yeah, the foreplay didn't help, we made out for about 15 minutes, gave her an orgasm with my fingers and mouth so she was definitely wet enough, used 2 of my fingers (I'm 3 of my fingers wide) and she was writhing in pain (and pleasure too thankfully).

I didn't think about the dildo idea, don't know really how to introduce that to a woman I've never had full on sex with before though.

I've basically spent the past couple days trying to help her feel better cause she's gotten really down about it like shes embarassed or something even though I keep letting her know there's nothing to worry about and I still care for her as much as I did before.

I'm kinda worried about this ruining the relationship, cause she's been really down and acting kinda awkward around me. So it's kind of a weird thought to introduce toys at this time, but if its something that seems like it would work I'll try it. I'll try about anything cause I don't wanna lose her, especially because of this.

If it helps out heres what I've tried to introduce (all of which obviously haven't worked):

- extra foreplay/oral (gave her the 1 orgasm, she couldn't let herself get to a second cause she was stressing out)

- lube (still got scared)

- her on top (she didn't see the difference)

- fingers (2 cause her a lot of pain, duno what the feeling of another finger would do)

Sorry bout the length of the post, just trying to get as much advice as I can. It's a problem I've sort of had before, but never to this extent were their was so much nerves/fear/whatever about my thickness that it prevented everything and had this kinda mental effect between us.

I think it sounds like she may feel pressured. Granted, she may want to have sex and believe that with all her heart. But trying too much for that isn't going to help. Also, don't think about giving her an orgasm, at least not so much. Don't try so hard...sex is suppose to be fun, enjoyable, a release. She sounds like she may feel under pressure to perform and is afraid she won't do well and the pain makes it even scarier. What I'd propose, if you want sex of any kind with her....have a couple sessions where you don't even get close to intercourse with her. Stroke and caress each other, have oral sex. I've had sessions like that which went on for 2 hours or so and left almost (yeah, not completely, but pretty damn close) satisfied. Sex is not always about intercourse.

Don't pressure her into orgasms either. She may be able to have more than one, but I know that I can't (generally) cum on command. I don't know many guys, when under the pressure to perform, that can cum on command either.

Also, 15 minutes of forplay....you're just getting started. Is this the Olympics for how fast you can get in and out? She may FEEL pretty wet, but the longer you go, the wetter she will get and the more willing her body is going to be with accepting something more than 2 fingers. Personally, even *I* have problems with 2 fingers. It hurts me like crazy and I'm gonna kill someone if they go for a 3rd finger. This is why I highly recommend a toy, a SILICON toy. DO NOT get the Doc Johnson's crap for this. They are not as pliable and silicon will feel much closer to the real thing. It's a little pricier. Also, since you're just going for stretching her out a little, try to get one that is smooth or semi-smooth...not major ribs, studs, "veins" etc. That will only hurt more if/when thrusting becomes involved. If you make it to an adult bookstore, I'd swallow the shyness and ask the person behind the counter which one they would recommend for this kind of situation. Most of them (not all) really know what they're talking about.

To me it sounds more like fear than anything else. What I would do is drop the sex thing all together. Don't ask for it, don't even suggest it. Tell her that you love her and would stay with her even if you's never got to have sex, then just drop it.

I'm not saying don't be intimate at all, but put her in control and don't make her feel like everything is just an effort to work her upto sex. If you drive her wild enough eventually she will overcome her fear and she'll ask/seduce you. You might have to be very patient, but it will be worth it.

Goodluck!

I gotta agree with what Faery said here too. Backing off the intercourse might make her feel more comfortable. I'm also sure that, eventually she'll want it and will overcome the fear. As I said above....do everything under the sun BUT intercourse. Make her feel comfortable with you. As the late Sam Kinison said "Make her cum 3 times before you let her see your cock. It leaves the illusion that you really care." Not meaning that you be as callous as that, but think about it for a bit. Devoting time to pleasuring her with anything and everything but your cock will make her feel cared for, loved.

 

[TBKahuna123]

OK I've been through this one when I was younger. I'm not endowed with a huge cock at all, so I was confused too as to what the deal was. You've hit the nail on the head bud, and you may not even realize it, and I'm sure she doesn't. She's scared, but I doubt it's because of your size.

That fear is a fear of losing her virginity. She may say she wants you, she may say you are the right guy, but it is a big decision that you can never go back on. Sometimes our minds play tricks on us and gives us other excuses for our fears when we talk ourselves past our real fears. That's not to say that her fear isn't real or that she's being silly, it's just to say that figuring out how to get her to physically handle your size may not be the fix that is needed.

FaeryFire is right, as hard as it is(pardon the pun), just back off of the sex thing. The reality is that if she thinks it's going to hurt, it will, no matter what you do. The physical part is pretty easy. As has been stated, lots of foreplay(15 minutes is nothing dude, try for an hour ), lost of lube, an orgasm before hand to relax her, and the big one: GO SLOWWWWW!!!! I hate to burst your bubble, but you aren't big enough that it should cause her any more pain than would normally be associated with initial penetration.

Just enjoy everything else, and don't pressure her. Also, don't let her pressure herself. Both of those are what will kill your relationship. Once she is comfortable with the idea, she'll be able to try it. Until she reaches that point though, it's going to hurther like hell, simply because hse thinks it will. The mind is powerful over the body, and it goes both ways.

BTW, I was serious when I said an hour of foreplay or more. Nothing will help her relax more than feeling like you can be intimate without being pressured into sex. I would also go out on a limb and say that nohting will make her want to try again more than feeling totally comfortable. Of course, anhour or two of pleasurable stimulation may have that effect as well.

Good luck dude, and just take it slow, both physically and emotionally. That is the best thing you can do.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Wow, cele2flowers! Do great minds think alike or what? Well there you go man, two posts from two totally different people, written while the other was posting as well. I think we're on to something here.

 

[biggysmallz]

Appriciate the help/advice everyone. The backing off the sex thing was what I've been doing the past few days, the only mention of it is when she brings it up and how shes feeling down about the other night.

The 15 minute part was just making out by itself, about another 20-30 minutes of handsy stuff after that part, I know 15 minutes isnt too much foreplay lol, it was more like 40-45.

But yeah last night I think I found the best way to calm her down and the best wording to put it, kinda was around the area before hand just didn't word it the right way. But I told her that whenever shes ready I'll be there for her. It's been almost 3 months since our first date so I haven't been rushing her at all on this, I can wait longer if that's what she feels is right. It apparently worked cause she stayed at my place and was hanging all over me when we slept...so....yay

But yeah, thanks for all the advice.

(Any other tips though for when she is ready, lemme know some, cause when we talked last night she said it was partially cause she was scared of losing her virginity, but 10 times more the thought of having something as thick as me inside her).

 

[Miss_B_Haven]

Well, as for advice for when she IS ready... The best thing I can tell you is to make sure she is 100% relaxed. The more tense she is, the more her muscles down there will tense, and the more it will hurt. I know from experience... My first sex partner was hung like a horse, and I was terrified the first time. I've never felt pain like that before... But had I been relaxed, I'm sure it wouldn't have been so bad.

But as a good rule of thumb... Just make sure she's taken care of. Us girls dig the mushy romantic stuff, and if you take the time to please her mentally and physically, there's probably a pretty good chance she'll be more than willing to repay the favor.

Best of luck!

 

[TBKahuna123]

(Any other tips though for when she is ready, lemme know some, cause when we talked last night she said it was partially cause she was scared of losing her virginity, but 10 times more the thought of having something as thick as me inside her).

Seriously, the best thing that you can do is go slow. VERY, VERY SLOW. Let's face it, most women here will say that their first time hurt to some extent, it's just the nature of the beast. However, most women I have talked to say the same thing, their partner rushed into things and just started pounding away without giving them time to adjust to it. This makes them tense up and makes things worse. It becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

Miss_B is right, "preparation" for women is much different than for most of us guys. As a general rule, guys are physically and visually stimulated, where as for women the most important part seems to be mental and emotional. If she digs candles, have a ton of candles around the bed. If she digs sappy movies, pick out a movie she'd dig rather than a porn. Make her a favorite food, or have a fovorite wine around. Hang christmas lights fromt he ceilign and tell her it is to symbolize the stars in her eyes. The point is, make her feel so relaxed and so filled with warmth that the fear of pain pales in comparisson.

Now practical, physical advice:

1.) I already said go slow. This is the number one way to decrease the physical discomfort.
2.) Make sure she has had an orgasm from foreplay. It relaxes the muscles and provides natural lubrication.
3.) Natural lube isn't always enough, especially if she is nervous. Pick up a good lube and use a ton of it. There's never enough lube!
4.) Let her be in control. Put her on top and let her control the pace and depth. This will help her relax and also let her not push things too fast.
5.) Did I mention go slow?

You have the right attitude and she's lucky to have someone who gives a shit in a position to be her first lover. Most of the ladies I know lost their virginity to guys who didn't really care or didn't have the balls to find out what they could do to make it better for her. Keep that outlook and whenever it does happen it will be wonderful. For both of you.

 

[cele2flowers]

Seriously, the best thing that you can do is go slow. VERY, VERY SLOW. Let's face it, most women here will say that their first time hurt to some extent, it's just the nature of the beast. However, most women I have talked to say the same thing, their partner rushed into things and just started pounding away without giving them time to adjust to it. This makes them tense up and makes things worse. It becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

I couldn't emphasize it enough, when you actually get to it, to let her be on top. And if, for some reason, you end up being on top, DO NOT just start pounding away the moment you're in. Slide in slowly and just stay there. Let her adjust to you. When I'm with larger guys, it helps a lot to have him just slide in and hold it there for a moment until I feel things have stretched a little bit. Then they can go for it.