Sex over breakfast

[Sweetwood]

After a night of sensuous wonder
They enter the pathetic diner
On the corner of York and Spadina

Warm dampness fogs the windows
From sweaty diners
Sipping stale coffee

The old man in the corner
Resting his head
Against the blinded pane

The Arabic student of music
Wiping with his grungy scarf
Ketchup from pawed scores.

In short order, the pair eats
Bacon, eggs and homefries
the steam rises from the kitchen.

After, over coffee, they move
Close his leg between hers
Touching her crotch firmly

In the whispered conversation
To the exclusion of the world
Intimacy grows and lust

Her hips begin to move
Rubbing her itchy cunt
Lasciviously against his knee

Leaning back to find purchase
He smiles encouragingly
While her eyes begin to close

With fascination all the diners
Including him, spellbound
Hear her moan and watch her climax

All eyes on them as they leave
All brains lusting images
They are satisfied and hungry yet


Let me know what you think

Sweetwood

 

[WickedEve]

I basically like the little moment you're trying to share. It's kind of gritty.

I don't like all your words choices. (Itchy cunt made me think poor hygiene. lol)

In the first stanza I think "on the corner of York and Spandina" has a nice sound to it. At first I wasn't sure about "sensuous wonder" and "pathetic diner." It felt like going from a romantic fantasy to reality, but maybe that's what you want.

In the second stanza I like "sweaty diners" but "warm dampness" is so-so.

The rest of your stanzas are fine.

I'm not sure what it is, but felt like I on the outside, looking in through the dirty diner window. I didn't feel like I was in the diner. You describe what happens, but I think I needed some emotions. Maybe if you had told us about the reactions of the diners. Maybe the student slips his hand under the table and beads of sweat can be seen on his forehead as he leans a little to one side to get a better look. And the old man seems suddenly lively for the first time.

Just some suggestions.

Wicked Eve

 

[Sweetwood]

Sex over breakfast Take II

Thanks Eve,

I immediately knew what you were saying. While I wanted to create grittiness I did want to show some emotion. Thanks for the hygene lesson. *L*

The sensuous wonders and real world dichotomy is wanted. Although on reflection, the obliviousness of the pair continues the night against the backdrop of the dirty diner. They don't care.

Here is the second hopefully improved version.


Sex over breakfast


After a night of sensuous wonder
They enter the pathetic diner
On the corner of York and Spadina

Moisture from cooking breakfasts and
Sweaty diners sipping stale coffee
Fogs the windows

The old man in the corner
Resting his head
Against the blinded pane

The Arabic student of music
Wiping with his grungy scarf
Ketchup from pawed scores.

In short order, the pair eats
Bacon, eggs and homefries
the steam rises from the kitchen.

Later, over coffee, they move close
His leg between hers
Touching her crotch firmly

In the whispered conversation
To the exclusion of the world
Intimacy grows and lust

Her hips begin to move
Rubbing her tender sex
Lasciviously against his knee

Leaning back to find purchase
He smiles encouragingly
While her eyes begin to close
His breathing gets labored

With fascination all the diners
Including him, spellbound
Hear her moan and watch her climax

All eyes on them, overtly staring
Some sneaking lusty glances
All brains lusting images
The old man’s head, now sitting lively

The student’s hands groping under the table
The pair hand in hand leaves
They are satisfied and hungry yet


Thanks again

Sweetwood

 

[WickedEve]

Improvement

Yes! I really like some of the changes, and like what you did with the last two stanzas.

All eyes on them, overtly staring
Some sneaking lusty glances
All brains lusting images
The old man’s head, now sitting lively

The student’s hands groping under the table
The pair hand in hand leaves
They are satisfied and hungry yet

"The old man's head, now sitting lively" is very good.

Do you think you need "all brains lusting images?"

And the last stanza is a good wrap up of the poem.

You may get some more suggestions on fine tuning it, but I think your revisions are headed in the right direction.

Eve