sex identity/need help please!

[antonym1000]

Hi there. I am a man, married with kids and I'm in my late 30s. I love my wife and love being with her and my family. I am very attracted to women and enjoy sex with my wife.

I've always fantasized, though, since the start of puberty, about being with another man sexually. OK, everyone has fantasies. BUT the problem is, with each passing year, the idea of being with a man has become almost an obsession. Every sex fantasy I have entails being with a man. I now secretly look at gay porn, I think about being with a guy when I'm with my wife and I'm having really vivid sex dreams, and they all are with men. I have no problem with homosexuality, and if I was gay I think I'd embrace it. But I have no big urge to ever date a man or be in a relationship with a man etc. I wouldn't mind doing so if I was single, but I'm not. I truly LOVE being in a relationship with my wife. So am I bisexual? If so, fine, but why the almost compulsion now. Is this early onset mid-life crisis? If so, why these attractions?

I am suffering from depression to the point I have gone on meds and I sometimes wake up at 3 a.m. and think, 'I can't live like this.' This is all I can think about. It is hurting my family life. My wife knows something is wrong, but she would be shocked to know this. I don't feel I can share this because, my guess is that, once something like this is said, especially by a guy, you are never looked at the same. My wife loves me, but I fear this would forever change how she looks at me.

Any help, thoughts, suggestions?

 

[timetotry]

Please talk to people that are better than us at giving advice and counseling mate. I truly feel for you and hope for the best outcome. Secrets are a burden I know all too well. Talk to your wife if your marriage is strong enough or to professional counselors. If you have been faithful do NOT beat yourself up over fantasies. Above all else don't let it stay inside and eat you up. Good luck to you.

 

[PressNightly]

Might be totally off base here but.....

Depression, sexual compulsions, disturbing/highly arousing dreams, or nightmares, and Same Sex Attraction (not the religious buzzword for homosexuality, but the psychological definition of SSA) are all symptoms of childhood sexual abuse.

Is there any chance you may have been abused as a child? This could have been at the hands of an adult, even just a single inappropriate touch? Or it could have been a questionable sexual experience with an older kid as well. You may not even actively be able to remember it, memories can be repressed fairly deeply, is there any block of your childhood that you can't really remember?

Your story sounds very similar to my own, I've had an attraction to men for as long as I can remember. Not in a 'normal' way in that I've never had any desire to have an emotional relationship with a man, just sex. For a while it got really consuming. There was a catalyst in my life early this year that caused my little box of repressed memories to start to 'leak'. Before that I didn't have any memories of what happened to me but I started having all kinds of gay dreams and waking desires, and it started to consume my every idle moment. It all started getting overwhelming and compulsive, and finally I figured I needed to know why. Once I actively started examining my past all those memories came back up, and I'm now able to start dealing with them.

By the way I told my wife everything, once I knew what was going on, and I expected the same thing as you, that it would be the beginning of the end for us. But the opposite has been true, it has brought us closer together as a couple and with her knowing about my feelings we've been able to explore my desires without me having to resort to an extramarital and unhealthy outlet.

Again I may be way off base there but your story is just soooooo similar to mine and those of several hundred other people that I've heard. There could be other possible explanations as well, but considering you've said you're on drugs for depression I'm assuming you have a therapist? It's probably a good idea to tell them about your feelings because there is probably a deeper reason you feel the way you do.

Feel free to PM me if you have questions or want to talk or anything.

 

[Safe_Bet]

What I'd strongly suggest is that you find an LGBT friendly psychologist / psychiatrist and talk to them SOONEST. If you are experiencing severe depression with suicidal thoughts you need to see a pro ASAP! PLEASE!

I mentioned an LGBT friendly one (you can google them that way) because once you get stabilized and if you like them they will be better able to help you understand your feelings (without judgement of any kind).

That's also why I wouldn't discuss it with my wife yet. You sound like you're dealing with enough stress without adding more.

 

[deckardB26354]

Sent you a PM.

 

[klippert]

First take a deep breath. Relax, your not going over the edge. If your really feeling that depressed....seek a physiologist, Not a Psychiatrist. The latter will dope you up.

Im married with. I have the same fantasies. Though back in my twenties I acted on them...and enjoyed it entirely. Now I sneak peeks at Gay and Bi porn. enjoy looking at the male physique, and his cock.... I dream of a MFM with my wife and dbl the fantasy with her watching me with another man....But, will that ever happen... Who knows...

your wrapped to tight. Relax, take sometime off work,

LGBT friendly psychologist / psychiatrist and talk to them SOONEST....now that is a bone head idea..... a psychologist or doctor of psychiatry with an agenda, that can dope you up...

 

[CandiCame]

Dude- if you're depressed, I would totally try and get some help, like some other folk have suggested. But... I think that you might be obsessed with the cock. I'd suggest getting laid, but there's no reason to cheat on your wife- I don't know... I just want to lend support. I would say that you get yourself sorted out, find out everything that's going on, and then talk with your wife about it. I'm really hardcore about not lying to my mates. If you've been together for a long time, I really wouldn't suggest lieing to her/cheating on her.

But, you don't seem happy. Get your head together, with a psychiatrist if you need to, and then talk to your wife about your sexual desires/your relationship. You're already committed, so I wouldn't hold my breath on getting to act out any fantasies or anything... I dunno, it just seems like a shitty situation to be in. I really do hope that everything works out for you, though.

 

[PressNightly]

lol @ the person who thinks homosexuality is from sexual abuse.
I guess I'm really fucked up then seeing as I had an amazing childhood.
Curses!

*Sigh*

I did not say that homosexuality/bisexuality/gender issues are caused by abuse, please do not misunderstand.

What I did say is that abuse can result in a broad spectrum of compulsive sexual behaviors, among many other things. The fact that it is so consuming for him that he is being woken in the middle of the night with feelings of despair says to me that there is something else going on here on a much deeper level than simple sexual orientation confusion.

SSA as defined by psychologists working in the field (not the baptist church!) is a compulsive need to engage in sexual acts with people of the same gender, which is usually (but not always) not accompanied by emotional or physical attraction to people of the same sex outside of a sexual context. Usually a person experiencing this will feel a deep seated sense of shame during or after the act (but not always).

antonym1000 seems genuinely concerned about what he is feeling right now, and lots of times people can't remember that stuff like this happened, or just can't believe that it could have such far reaching consequences so long after it happened. I was simply offering a suggestion, that if he remembers something that may even seem small now, or if he has memories he can't access, that it may be a place to start when seeking help for his trouble.

Again as others have said the person best able to help you antonym1000, would be a qualified therapist (phsychiatrists are pretty much just there for drugs). Unless you may be able to pinpoint a possible cause then a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues would be the place to start.

 

[antonym1000]

Thanks for the reply. This reaching out was a long time coming and I felt very strange when I posted yesterday, but now I feel a little comforted. Still confused, but I have taken what everyone has said to heart. I am seeing a therapist but have been timid about adressing this with her. I actually know a male therapist whom I know through work circles and he specifically deals with sexual ID issues. But the fact that I've known him for years and he knows my wife, makes me feel funny to speak with him, although I know he would be professional. My best to all. Thanks again.

 

[timetotry]

Sounds as though you do have qualified professionals to talk to and that is a really good thing. Depression is nothing to take lightly. Being bi or gay isn't a bad thing and couples all over are quite happy with each other even when only one of them is bi. I would not be worried about the male therapist even though he knows your wife because your trust in him and his own ethical requirements would prevent him from ever breaching that trust. I am sure it will work out for the best for ya and hoping it does so soon.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks for the reply. This reaching out was a long time coming and I felt very strange when I posted yesterday, but now I feel a little comforted. Still confused, but I have taken what everyone has said to heart. I am seeing a therapist but have been timid about adressing this with her. I actually know a male therapist whom I know through work circles and he specifically deals with sexual ID issues. But the fact that I've known him for years and he knows my wife, makes me feel funny to speak with him, although I know he would be professional. My best to all. Thanks again.

Trust him. You can. Or, ask him for a referral.

 

[timetotry]

The referral is a very good point and any counselor would be happy to do it for you because your well being is more important to them than anything else. Also if you have no one close to you that you can talk things thru or just to let it out, I am guessing if you pm some of the fine folks here a few (myself included) would be more than happy to listen or even talk on the phone about just normal things we have encountered along the way and give you encouragement. Wake up with a smile tomorrow and don't let anything or anyone take it away.

 

[Etoile]

Yep I agree, if you don't want to see him directly, ask the guy for a referral.

Safe_Bet's point about seeing somebody LGBT-friendly because they won't judge you is SO important. If you're questioning yourself, and you get somebody who is strongly religious or something, they are going to try to steer you away from it, tell you it's wrong, or - worst of all - that you can be "cured" of these urges. (Regardless of what Michelle Bachmann's company does, research has shown that "curing" people of homosexuality does not work.)

Here's a starting point: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

That's the Kink Aware Professionals list. It was started as a list for professionals (including psychologists) who are friendly to BDSM people, but it has expanded to include a wide range of professionals who are friendly to anyone who isn't just vanilla heterosexual. You'll probably find someone on that list close to your location.

 

[cuck2011]

So glad to hear you are in therapy. This is a huge thing to carry on your own and the feeligns of isolation only excacerbate your dark feelings. I am a clinical pyshcologist and I work a lot in the area of sexuality etc. Trust me, just talk to someone you can trust, in time you will feel more secure and you be able to be more frank about what you have been carrying for so long. It takes time, the advice you are getting here is great, the worst thing you can do is try to carry this all on your own. Best of luck with yoursefl, and don't be too hard on yourself, we all have periods in our lives when things get the better ofg us, and you aren't the first person to to be confused about who you might really be.