Sex & dating

[Owlz]

I consider myself to be a patient man. Years ago, however, I waited too long before expressing sexual interest in my then-g/f. These days, how long after a first date is the appropriate time span before sex?

Many thanks.

 

[SweetErika]

I think the "experts" say something like 3 months or 12 dates. However, I've always thought that age (my 54 year old mom is more likely to wait longer than me), attraction, connection, the tone of the relationship, morals and goals are a better guide. I don't think there's a definitive "date", but hopefully someone else can give you a better idea!

 

[CaptainAhab]

"I consider myself to be a patient man. Years ago, however, I waited too long before expressing sexual interest in my then-g/f. These days, how long after a first date is the appropriate time span before sex?"

Well, there is no predetermined span of time. It depends on the relationship. I've had relationships where we waited months to get busy and other relationships in which we were doing the deed in advance of our first date (thoes were my slutty years.)

But this is not a bianary issue. It is not like you can be totally void of sexual exchanges before you actually jump into bed and have sex!

Eye contact, hand holding, briefly touching her arm durring conversations, the way you move your body when you are around her, even hugs, are all ways of expressing yourself sexually ... and they are all SUBTLE. (don't throw yourself at her unexpectedly! Give her some warm up ... some romance!)

How she reacts to these small cues should help you to determine if you should stop, go or procede with caution.

 

[Arden]

I consider myself to be a patient man. Years ago, however, I waited too long before expressing sexual interest in my then-g/f. These days, how long after a first date is the appropriate time span before sex?

Many thanks.

There's no right answer, other than when both of you are ready. Taking your time in adult relationships may be more important than when you were younger, because you stand to lose more if you act prematurely.

Don't deny what you feel, but don't push to hard either. The older we are= the more times having been burned by relationships gone bad. Older women may hedge on the issue of sex because of past experiences.

Then again, no two people are the same. Some older women may want sex without committment.

Talk. Communicate. Enjoy each other without the pressure of a sexual relationship until both of you 'know' it's right.

 

[shelleb4]

i think immediately! see how different we are?

but subtle as the previous post stated. Watch for the reaction to the gentle touches in safe areas, go slow, read the body language, if the body says yes, keep going.

once went on a date, his first sexual overture was to place his leg over mine in a very entitled fashion whilst sat on the sofa, it was his entitlement that turned me off and i walked out. Yet had planned on getting some that night as i needed to.

Having moved around the world, i do know these sexual etiquette questions differ in different countries. Im a mature woman, as such recognise i have sexual needs and address these, someone whom is younger, well they make be stuck with the 'nice girl' syndrome of self denial. Knowing who you are with helps.

 

[Lorelei_11]

I've heard a lot about the 3 date thing and thats not for me at all. I need to spend time getting to know the person and taking my time. Once I get started though, sex is an important part of a relationship. I can get a bit excessive in planning sex weekends..

I definately need the time to feel connected and that we are compatable first.

 

[ReadyOne]

If there isn't something involving mutual sexual arousal after the 3rd date, then it's not going to happen, and one needs to decide if that person is a keeper as a friend, not as a lover. -- because they probably won't be a lover for a long while, if ever!

That doesn't necessarily mean screwing, but both of you doing and excourageing deliberate things like kissing or rubbing that you both recognize as sexual foreplay.

 

[ethicalslut]

Aaaaargh. There are no hard, fast rules for this. It depends on the person, the situation and the pair dynamics. i've hopped into the sack with guys I've just met (feeling a great sexual connection), and I've waited up to a few months because, despite a strong sexual attraction, I didn't think that having sex with that person was a good idea until we were on more stable ground, either as friends or as a romantic couple.

I guess my point is the only person we should "expect" sex from is ourselves. Anyone else has a right to say no for any reason at any time. Expecting it after a certain number of dates or weeks or whatever will just lead to frustration.

 

[sheath]

I think if you are waiting a 'pre-determined' time, then you are buying into what society says is right for you, not what is actually right for you.

I'm one of those people who absolutely cannot do anything sexual unless there is a deep emotional connection...so if you are anything like that, when the time is ready, you know it without having to justify it at all. It just IS, it just feels right, and that's it. It could be after three months...it could be after three hours. You just know.

If she's ready at the same time you are, she will find those subtle ways to let you know.



S.

 

[PrinceM]

I've always waited well over a month with anyone that I've wanted to have a serious relationship with. Just made it that much more special. As for number of dates, I guess it depends, but it was always more than 3, given the time frame of a month or two.

Then again, there have been times when I've felt lust, and just went for it right away, but those were people I was connecting with sexually, and not mentally.

I guess it all depends. Have fun and be safe, that's all there is to it.

 

[UnseenChagrin]

I personally have the self-control of a rabbit when it comes to sex. Why wouldn't you have sex on the first date? That's always been my reasoning, but this probably stems from the fact that 9.5 times outta 10 there is no second date.

Lately though I have been trying to curb this habit, mostly out of reasons for safety rather than "feeling the connection."


I do want to throw in this other tidbit: I'm surprised people have not mentioned or considered "online" relationships. Relationships that sprout from talking online- days, weeks, months, years- that eventually lead to two people spending time together (usually briefly) in the real world. This could be seen as the initial "dates" per se as I think the meeting is used mostly as confirming a romance or just a friendship thing.

 

[Angel_Diva]

heh, i wait about a year after the first date.... but thats just me unless the guy is absolutly perfect then i might change my mind and move a little faster with him.... say 6months.

But there is no absolute time limit for sex after the first date... its up to the girl or the couple should i say to decide how long they need or want to wait.

 

[ReadyOne]

I was friends with my SO for many months, and then suddenly we went to a movie we'd both wanted to see, went home to her hot tub, and went to bed. 10 days later we were living together, 7 of which didn't really count.

A most favorite gf was sex on the first date -- we knew before it started that she was going home with me to get laid.

With another most favorite gf, our first date was a Friday night and we had sex the next night (after spending the day together).

My first gf (who was also my first spouse) and I waited 3 months, though in retrospect we could have started after about a month if I hadn't been so hung up.

The mother of my kids wouldn't have sex untill we were married. That was just one of many signs I ignored which has cost me dearly for almost 20 years.

I've ended relationships with several ladies when there was nothing physical going after 3 or 4 weeks. In all cases where hindsite is available I was correct to move on.

(Though there are 2 gfs from college days I shortly lost track of' -- and I've always wondered about how we'd have done together.)

There was also a gf from high school who found me when I was thirty-something and between women. I'd always wanted to sleep with her so I dated her twice. She had grown a ton of problems, and I believe I was wise deciding to follow the old adage "never sleep with someone who has more problems than you do".

I guess that I'm saying that in my good relationships I slept with them prettly quickly. In my bad relationships, waiting to have sex was the wrong thing to do -- I should have ended them and skipped a lot of pain.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

there is no time limit. it's something that you feel that you're ready for. I've held off before for a long period of time, and the relationship ended up being a not too good one. When I didnt wait, and it was like the second date type of thing (or even the first one), I'm still friends with the guy (or in case of the one right now... still with him). I dont know quite how to explain it, except that it was all a feeling. And there is always something that goes along with a night of sex, like a day filled of teasing him and watching him squirm just at the thoughts running through his head of what might happen later. And it's the little things that make it fun too, like the quick nibbles on the ear, grabbing of the ass when no one is looking in public... all of those things. But it's a personal decision, and really if you're asking someone else if you're ready or if it's okay to, then I'd say wait. There's a reason that you're asking even if you're unsure of what that reason might be.