Settling

[K0fcali]

I was just wondering who settles more in relationships men or women? Specifically asking people in long term committed relationships.

 

[Lady2020]

My longest relationship was 8 years, so I'm no expert. I can say that both partners settle to an extent, and relationships are always in flux.

 

[Britva415]

I was just wondering who settles more in relationships men or women? Specifically asking people in long term committed relationships.

It's not clear whether "settling" to you means "settling down" or "settling for."

There are stereotypes about both and, at least in open societies, I think that's all they are - stereotypes.

There are just as many men who want to settle down as women, and there are probably just as many relationships where it's the man who wants to settle down with the woman more than she's ready to settle down herself, compared to where it's the woman who wants to "tame" the man and make him settle down with her. I hear all the time about relationships where the man is the "too settled" one and the woman is the regretful or unsatisfied one based on having settled down too young or under pressure or without adequate exploration. There's a stereotype that women want more to "settle down" than men do but I'm convinced it's bogus, despite the pseudo-psychology of evolutionary biology ideas on this subject.

There are just as many men who "settle for" a partner or a relationship which doesn't provide everything they want, or even most of it, as there are women who do the same thing. Again, I guess this is related to the above, there is a stereotype that women will "settle for" a man who they can get to "settle down" even if "settling down" is all they're getting out of the relationship. But again, I see men "settle for" unhealthy, unfair, unequal, imbalanced, unsatisfying relationships with women all the time. I'm extremely skeptical of the idea that this affects women more than men.

At least, in open societies. When we look at places where women are subjected to arranged marriages and limited opportunities, it's a whole different picture. However this just goes to show that it's not about something inherent to women versus men, it's about the way women are treated culturally.

 

[K0fcali]

It's not clear whether "settling" to you means "settling down" or "settling for."

There are stereotypes about both and, at least in open societies, I think that's all they are - stereotypes.

There are just as many men who want to settle down as women, and there are probably just as many relationships where it's the man who wants to settle down with the woman more than she's ready to settle down herself, compared to where it's the woman who wants to "tame" the man and make him settle down with her. I hear all the time about relationships where the man is the "too settled" one and the woman is the regretful or unsatisfied one based on having settled down too young or under pressure or without adequate exploration. There's a stereotype that women want more to "settle down" than men do but I'm convinced it's bogus, despite the pseudo-psychology of evolutionary biology ideas on this subject.

There are just as many men who "settle for" a partner or a relationship which doesn't provide everything they want, or even most of it, as there are women who do the same thing. Again, I guess this is related to the above, there is a stereotype that women will "settle for" a man who they can get to "settle down" even if "settling down" is all they're getting out of the relationship. But again, I see men "settle for" unhealthy, unfair, unequal, imbalanced, unsatisfying relationships with women all the time. I'm extremely skeptical of the idea that this affects women more than men.

At least, in open societies. When we look at places where women are subjected to arranged marriages and limited opportunities, it's a whole different picture. However this just goes to show that it's not about something inherent to women versus men, it's about the way women are treated culturally.

we dont live in a ssociety of arranged marriage. Im not interested in those countries. I specifically meant U.S. Britain Australia Mexico and Canada. Its my belief that women are hypergamous and will only follow men of a higher sexual market value and social status. Men settle for woman not the other way around. Women commit to men they deem competent enough to lead the relationsnship.

 

[K0fcali]

My longest relationship was 8 years, so I'm no expert. I can say that both partners settle to an extent, and relationships are always in flux.

My longest relationship was 4 years so you got me beat by double. I dont have many examples of long term committed monogamous relationships either.

 

[K0fcali]

How are you defining "settles"? The question can't be answered easily because you would have to operationalize "settling in a relationship." Operationalization is when you define the measurement(s) of something that isn't easily measured otherwise, like you can't quantify it.

I assume by "settle," you mean that the partner is choosing to stay in a relationship despite not being satisfied. That is different from a relationship that "cools down" after the honeymoon phase while still being healthy. So, I'll use that idea.

Maybe some measurements are:
- Lack of care for the relationship/lack of empathy for the partner (measurable by assessment)
- Allows own boundaries to be broken to maintain relationship
- Fear of loneliness

I'm not researching this nor am I planning on it, but my educated guess would be that women are more likely to "settle" based on these measures. Women are far more likely to experience intimate partner violence. They also appear to be more likely to experience and thus accommodate their (typically male) partner's codependent behaviors (or "weaponized incompetence"). Sexual dissatisfaction is also highest among straight and bisexual women. There are also social concerns for many women, like the pressure to maintain family ties if they have had children, the pressure to keep financial affairs together for the family (children, husband, themselves, parents, grandparents), and the pressure to care for the husband (codependency, see above) or "fix" flaws he refuses to change or communicate about (e.g., sitting comfortably on the toilet and continuing to smell your shit instead of cleaning up and getting off the pot to get on with your life).

If you look at all these issues together, it's easy to see that women are more likely to find themselves "settling" in a relationship. Of course, men have done all these things, too. Men can and have experienced intimate partner violence, etc. etc. etc. But women experience all the above far more frequently, disproportionately so. Gets even worse when you throw race and other social identifiers into the mix.

There's my take.

do you think women experience more violence from men or do they report violence more often even after initiating said violence? I dont know any self respecting men that are willing to report their wives for being violent or abusive towards them. I have known quite a few women that falsely accused men. So that would explain your stats

 

[Britva415]

Sounds like you got all the answers, then.

Ta.

 

[Cindy027]

we dont live in a ssociety of arranged marriage. Im not interested in those countries. I specifically meant U.S. Britain Australia Mexico and Canada. Its my belief that women are hypergamous and will only follow men of a higher sexual market value and social status. Men settle for woman not the other way around. Women commit to men they deem competent enough to lead the relationsnship.

We, to the best of my knowledge, don’t have arranged marriages in Sweden . As for the rest (hypergamous, had to look that up) well, not always.

 

[Britva415]

we dont live in a ssociety of arranged marriage. Im not interested in those countries.

Whoop de doo.

All I was really doing by mentioning them at all was getting inb4 some other clown went YEAH BUT BACKWARDS COUNTRIES

 

[K0fcali]

IDK why you even posted this in the GLBT Issues category.

https://www.nationalpartnership.org/our-work/health/moms-and-babies/intimate-partner-violence.html

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/fastfact.html

https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS

Bye.

I didn't mean to post it there.

 

[K0fcali]

if a woman breaks up her marriage and leaves her husband for a man of higher status its accepted that she is looking out for her own best interests. If a man leaves his wife for a younger woman he is often shamed for it.

 

[Britva415]

if a woman breaks up her marriage and leaves her husband for a man of higher status its accepted that she is looking out for her own best interests

By who?

 

[K0fcali]

The society i have witnessed from my own experience. Working class mexican immagrants to be exact.

By who?

Women