Settle for some or turn off all together?

[Gunny_G]

The situation I presnt is not mine but of interest to others within a certian group.
As couples Marry and have children the lifestlye they were all so into often takes a back seat to children. As we age and our lives go through adjustments the lifestyle we had come to love seems a distant memory.
That situation coupled by the nagging desire to have all or not at all. By that I mean that a Dom should not have to coax His Sub into doing as he pleases. He should not have to settle for a sexual game that was once a part of every aspect of their lives. While loutside things should be insulated from the lifestyle the commitment should remain. The commitment to trust that the Dom will not make His Sub and mother of his children do anything to cause harm or questionable behavior in front of the children. The issue being the diminished trust that is percieved , because the commitement that once was so complete is barely acknowledged. Growing older doesn't have to mean that the things couples enjoy as they began on their lifes' journey end when life gets challenging, more complex.
Should one "settle" for the occassional colorful endeaver that was once every day? Should one be greatful to have any oinvollvement or should the individual simply retire that part of life and try to be content?

I use a M-F Dom-Sub terms for this article but these factors can be replaced by many many others.

How do you react to life's changes and the lifestlye commitment?

Peace

George

 

[FurryFury]

You react by clear communication and hopefully love helps ease the way. In our case I want my husband to be happy more than I want to be happy myself and he feels the same way. We care for each other more than ourselves. Given that, we make pretty good decisions relationship-wise.

 

[desertslave]

Life happens! While either or both people may have desires and expectations, insisting on holding fast to them 'no matter what' is going to cause everyone a great deal of grief in the long run. I've done my share of wishing things could be the way they were. LOL There are times when I actually miss the intensity of what was once an LDR for us. We had these incredible 4-day trysts every few months. It was fun and we were always 'on' for each other.

Now we're married, settled down, with my teenage kids. We have a whole different set of issues to deal with. My favorite...this summer my kids' dad bailed on his usual visitation so we don't even get that much-wanted/needed kidless break for some serious playtime. Then again, every year that we DID get that break, it's never turned out to be all the 'naked in chains' playtime we anticipated, anyway.

I've also ended up needing to take lifelong blood thinners since last month. Talk about a change in lifestyle!!! While we may want to engage in the same kind of heavy play we've always enjoyed, we now have to rethink everything that we've 'always' done.

The 'glue' to keep us calm(er) is the fundamental D/s. I know I've addressed a different side of the 'changes' situation, but please trust that a lot of the frustrations and bewilderment are the same. With all this unexpected stuff happening, the one thing I really can fall back on is knowing my place. We'd both wandered off course for a while, but I think this latest hurdle has helped us both to refocus again. (crossing fingers)

 

[Gunny_G]

Life happens! While either or both people may have desires and expectations, insisting on holding fast to them 'no matter what' is going to cause everyone a great deal of grief in the long run. I've done my share of wishing things could be the way they were. LOL There are times when I actually miss the intensity of what was once an LDR for us. We had these incredible 4-day trysts every few months. It was fun and we were always 'on' for each other.

Now we're married, settled down, with my teenage kids. We have a whole different set of issues to deal with. My favorite...this summer my kids' dad bailed on his usual visitation so we don't even get that much-wanted/needed kidless break for some serious playtime. Then again, every year that we DID get that break, it's never turned out to be all the 'naked in chains' playtime we anticipated, anyway.

I've also ended up needing to take lifelong blood thinners since last month. Talk about a change in lifestyle!!! While we may want to engage in the same kind of heavy play we've always enjoyed, we now have to rethink everything that we've 'always' done.

The 'glue' to keep us calm(er) is the fundamental D/s. I know I've addressed a different side of the 'changes' situation, but please trust that a lot of the frustrations and bewilderment are the same. With all this unexpected stuff happening, the one thing I really can fall back on is knowing my place. We'd both wandered off course for a while, but I think this latest hurdle has helped us both to refocus again. (crossing fingers)

the situation I speak of is one where one of the parties wants to "play at it" and not be commited like they once were.

My sub and I have gone through many thigns that "normal" relationships couldn't survive, but we remained commited to Us. Commited to each other and our choices.

While it is true that life changes and so do we as humans, but that fundamental respect for commitments made should remain. What happens when a Sub who oce worshiped the Dom no longer listens to the simplest of requests, or shows the simplist of respects. I wonder if in those situations the person was truely submissive or was just playing the role well. It is curious how you rarely see the true d/s lifers who were into it in their 20's, still into the life when they are 50. Curious not so much, but Sad. Is that what we face? Where are that section of the lifestyle population when you go to a munch? It always bothered me to be the oldest one at a munch.

thoughts?

Peace

George

 

[Gunny_G]

LOL Virgin, long time since I seen that next to my name.

 

[FurryFury]

LOL Virgin, long time since I seen that next to my name.

And just like in real life once you lose it you can't get it back.

Well, not without creating a new name anyway.

So enjoy it while it lasts!

 

[FurryFury]

the situation I speak of is one where one of the parties wants to "play at it" and not be commited like they once were.

My sub and I have gone through many thigns that "normal" relationships couldn't survive, but we remained commited to Us. Commited to each other and our choices.

While it is true that life changes and so do we as humans, but that fundamental respect for commitments made should remain. What happens when a Sub who oce worshiped the Dom no longer listens to the simplest of requests, or shows the simplist of respects. I wonder if in those situations the person was truely submissive or was just playing the role well. It is curious how you rarely see the true d/s lifers who were into it in their 20's, still into the life when they are 50. Curious not so much, but Sad. Is that what we face? Where are that section of the lifestyle population when you go to a munch? It always bothered me to be the oldest one at a munch.

thoughts?

Peace

George

So basically she wants to be poly and you don't? Is that the main issue?

 

[licker4450]

As a Master who has counseled others on the lifestyle, I hear something to this effect all the time. This is a common concern in the M/s world where total power is ceded to the Master.

It is true life happens. And there are three areas where a slave needs to be attentive to what is going on: health, family, and work. These are the three areas where she might have to go against her Master.

We live in consensual relationships. There are things we need to do called responsibilities. Those do not end just because we get into a D/s or M/s relationship. Life situations still exist.

If one's Dom or Master is putting her in situations which affect her health, work, or children, then something needs to be done. There are many who are unfit to control another and will do things to harn one in these areas. An effective Master will take these situations and the responsibilities that go along with it into account. It is not a question of one's trust and willingness to submit; but rather her need to fulfill responsibilities that come along with her other "positions" in life such as mother.

 

[Gunny_G]

The Master I speak of has never to my knowledge harmed his sub nor were there any complains about the Sexual or play side of the relationship. What he is not happy with is His submissive / wife is that she is not behaving as she had for 6 yrs previous. She has stated her desire for the relationship, but her actions don't match up. A decission to end the D/S relationship would be accepted, but not welcome. He accepts responsibility for letting things slide over time and letting life interfere or consume them. But the sub's actions being in contrast to the stated desires makes the situation difficult for the Master.

Regarding the "So basically she wants to be poly and you don't? Is that the main issue?" His discussion with me never suggested a poly issue. What it comes down to is He wants the commitment that was there in all aspects of life back and not just for the"special times"

From my point of view it's about the changes in Hs sub and his wanting a clear concensius on where they stand. He feels like His sub is giving mixed signals.

 

[Fauna]

D/s relationships change over time as do any other relationship - friendship, work, marriages, within families, etc. What I've seen that seems to make all of them work is good honest communication. It seems that there was a breakdown of communication at some point in the situation you are describing.

I would suggest you tell your friend to have an honest talk with his/her partner. Sometimes people are in different places also or loose interest over time or need something to re-charge or refresh what they once had.

 

[intothewoods]

In most longterm live-in relationships, problems are rarely, if ever, the fault of just one partner. I'm having a hard time feeling sympathy for the Master in this situation.

Sorry for my jaded point of view, but she had his kids and now she's not submissive enough? Boofuckinghoo.

That aside, no matter what the complaint, the answer is usually honest constructive communication. He needs something he's not getting. I'd be willing to bet she would say the same. They both need to give something to get something.

 

[FurryFury]

I must have misunderstood that wanting to play and commitment talk for poly talk. Sorry. That's why I asked though.

I've noticed a huge number of guys get with a woman, have kids and then want the sex life to continue exactly the way it always has.

They rarely understand that women are exhausted from raising the kids and often working a full time job as well.

They also rarely understand that a woman needs to have her brain turned on before her body turns on.

This is often true for any relationship, nilla or kinked.