Seriously, what is wrong with this story?

[astuffedshirt_perv]

I posted this story in Nov and it got creamed...a 3.8 after 30 votes. Seriously, what is wrong with it? I thought it was hot, plausible, and funny. No grammar errors that I could see. Did I violate some unwritten rule? Any ideas?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=391019

 

[Darkniciad]

I'd say it's the rough edge to the sex. "Swallow it!" comes off a bit harsh to a lot of readers who are just looking for good spanking material.

The more you move away from the vanilla, the more likely you are to turn people off. Of course, you're goign to turn another group on, but if they aren't the ones that find it in larger numbers...

 

[kromen]

There was nothing really wrong with it, but you have to realize who your audience is. Readers have changed over the years on Lit, some just look for words to fap the banana to, while others want a realistic curve in fantasy. I saw you placed it in Group Sex which is a cat that I haven't really perused. It would probably have been worse if you made it a loving wives story.
Hey, at least you got some comments which is getting rarer unless a writer has built a fan base. Don't let it stop your writing though.
On a side note, I'm not sure how many female readers you may have peeved by referring to the females vag secretions as "disgusting".

 

[ellabee]

It's fine!

I think you have a good sex story here. It might be a little rough, but I thought the "yo" bit was well written and realistic.

If you'd like to improve the story, I would recommend working on the intro a bit. It seems too quick for what Tia actually needs to process in order to consent to such an ordeal, and I don't think it follows well with the sex scene. Jack seems to be quite nonchalant for a man who takes her quite forcefully later.

Work a little on the character development, because I thought the sex scene was hot.

Though...I would change "disgusting." As a woman, I am well aware my juices are not the most desirable nectar one could sample, but they are certainly not disgusting. If Tia doesn't like the taste of herself, she can just as easily wipe her fingers on her bedsheets or on a dick. If she takes fingers to her mouth, she'll most likely find it erotic.

 

[MiliktheRed]

Personally, I thought the writing was pretty good, but I agree with the other commenters that it probably needed more developement. It would have flowed more smoothly if Tia and Jack had an ongoing sexual relationship before this threesome occured. Her attude toward it seemed a bit herky-jerky.
Also, I doubt that most female readers like the men to act as if they feel the women is a piece of meat. Dominance seems to work better with a single man or a man/women couple along with the victimized female. I believe that most female readers can deal with a dominant male, but not a disrespectful one.
Still, the sex was hot and well described. I did enjoy the read.

 

[Keroin]

I skimmed the first part of the first page and that's probably as far as I would read if I'd found this story on my own.

First of all, the opening is too generic. Nothing about this situation compels me to read on. Sorry but I assume you want the truth?

"Listen, I didn't have anything to do and thought we could come over and hang out." The other guy held up a six-pack.

"Sure," she agreed.


A good story needs some tension - lots of tension, actually - right from the get go and this has none. What if she had a reason for not wanting the men to come in and they have to talk her into it? That would be interesting. Create a scenario with higher stakes for your characters.

Second - and this is a huge pet peeve of mine, especially with Lit stories - is the large "info dump". What this means is you have some kind of back story you want the readers to know but instead of taking the time to reveal it through your character's actions and dialogue, you dump it all into an expository paragraph. Example:

"Jack smiled at her as he handed her his jacket. He had known Tia for over four years, back when they were both new to the area, and she was his former girlfriend's roommate from back then. Since then he had helped her move, helped her with her car, helped her move again, and flirted with her when they ran into each other. She had confided in him during a difficult breakup. Although there had been some electricity between them, one or the other, usually both, had been unavailable. He had never come over like this, though, and she was excited to see him, wondering what had motivated him. Jack stood about a head taller than her, jet-black hair, mischievous brown eyes and what she had always considered a sensuous mouth. She even found the scar on his chin enticingly manly."


Find an interesting way to convey this information through your characters and I'll be less likely to walk away. Remember, the reader doesn't need to know every fact. A few little tidbits are often enough, we can fill in the blanks from there.

Read some of the Editor's Choice stories on Lit and pay attention to how the stories are structured.

Keep at it, storytelling is an art and it takes years to get good at it.

Cheers - K

 

[astuffedshirt_perv]

Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate the time you took. I'm glad to know that I wasn't missing anything too glaring.

I would like to offer a defense...this was a tale of an innoculous night of friends hanging out taking a surprising (for two of them) turn. It seemed that the sex would get pretty rough--tenderness comes from shared bonds, though she never protested. Considering two of them just met, it just ended up getting a little out of hand. I do agree that "disgusting" probably wasn't the right word, maybe "nasty"?

Again, thanks for your thoughts

 

[ellabee]

I'd beg to differ on the description of her juices. "Disgusting" and "nasty" do not paint a pleasant image! If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all...