Hi all - I've been a lurker for a while, but haven't been able to find answers to the questions I have, so if you'll bear with me, I was hoping to ask you all about my marriage and my wife. If I can give a quick background, I think that will help to clarify the questions I have and provide some context.
First off, I love my wife deeply and we have been together for almost a decade now. In that time, I've never cheated on her, and I have zero reason to think that she has never cheated on me. Ever since we first began dating, she has had an open and relatively healthy attitude about sex, and early on we had sex a whole lot. We were generally plain vanilla, a few sex toys and the occasional video. I liked the porn, and sho did she, frankly, and she would even (occasionally) watch it when I wasn't around to masturbate herself. We had good communication for the most part, or so I thought.
Initially I would fast forward through the girl/girl stuff, because I thought she wouldn't be into it. She then let on that she didn't mind it and I could watch it. Great! Then it came out that she liked watching a woman being eaten out, so Great! (Makes sense to me - I'm straight, I like watching a man get a bj, she's straight, same thing for her, except she dosen't care who is doing the eating part). Then as time progressed, it came out that the girl/girl stuff really turned her on.
In fact, I learned (over the course of a couple or three years) that straight M/F sex didn't really have much of an appeal for her, but put on a scene with Jenna Jameson or Sunrise Adams, and she was ready to go (and, I think, played with herself to such scenes fairly regularly).
Aroudn this time, I arranged a local weekend getaway and we went out for some blackjack, a nice dinner, and then I dragged her (literally) into a strip club, where we got six or seven lap dances from two girls. It was the first time for either of us in one. Her biggest objection, as far as I could tell, was that someone would know that she was there (that she would be seen). Initially, she was passive in the lap dances, which were focused almost entirely on her (the first dancer never even touched me). Then, she began to get into it - touching, etc. Back at the hotel, best sex ever. Next day, she was more horny than I had ever known.
Around this time, I began to learn that she had fairly regular dreams about women, sexually. She said the women were non-specific, but quite erotic. A few months later, we went down to New Orleans, had more lap dances, and a private dance with a really, really hot southern girl. Not really a dance, but more my wife and her making out while I watched. Enough contact that my wife knew the dancer was wet. I though this was fabulous, they exchanged cell phone numbers, the dancer literally turned down a tip from me, and they talked a few times between then and New Year's, when we went back.
Next trip, same kind of dances, but from a diffrent girl (first one was out of town). When we got down there, we had discussed what would happen, what was and wasn't acceptable, and such. Literally the last night we were there, she said that she wasn't ready from a threesome, that if she was going to do anything, she wanted to play with a girl first, by herself. Ok, fine by me (though the last night, one of the dancers, I swear, asked us out for a threesome - I could have just about cried).
After that point, things began to cool off, and I think our sex life began to taper. She seemed less interested in anything exotic, and we were back to having sex like we did at the start - plain vanilla. And I just wasn't as interested. I kept trying to push things, she'd resist, and then I'd get moody and unpleasant. She took something away, I didn't know why, and then I'd be mad and unhappy.
Later on that summer, when were were splitting a very nice bottle of wine, she made an off-hand comment about how she ONLY liked F/F or M/F/F porn, and was she a lesbian? I really think that she was worried that somehow she was a lesbian and that allowing herself to be sexually stimulated by F/F porn, or women in general, would push her over the edge or something. I countered that if anything she was bi, and that was part of her personality, and hiding it would do neither of us any good. She countered with religious upbringing objections. (PLEASE, do not turn this into a religious thread - I would ask that you not judge her on this, please? Thanks). That issue is kind of where we are today. As a side note, I would add that she was a college athlete, saw a bunch of "lesbians" on her teams have affairs with each other, and then go on to marry and have kids with perfectly straight guys - so she recognizes the very malleable nature of female sexuality.
Between a bunch of infertility treatments, one kid and now 6 months of pregnancy that have come since then, we haven't exactly have had much sex recently, but when we have, we've backed off any visual stimulation in general, and the sex had been generally bad. I still lover her deeply, and she me, but any sense of lust has generally dissappeared. Neither of us has been very interested in each other, sexually, I think.
With all that out (sorry for rambling on, this has been theraputic just putting it down in and of itself), where do we go from here? I should say that I have been recalled by the military, and so between now and next year this time, I will probabally only get to see her a handful of days, and that with a coupld young babies, or a very late term pregnancy, so no matter how things were between us, we wouldn't exactly be tearing up the bedroom.
So, again, where do we go from here? How does she deal with her feelings? How do I avoid resenting her for opening the door to a threesome, then shutting it in my face? Is she bi?
Thanks for reading, and thanks for any help or thoughts you have.
First off, I love my wife deeply and we have been together for almost a decade now. In that time, I've never cheated on her, and I have zero reason to think that she has never cheated on me. Ever since we first began dating, she has had an open and relatively healthy attitude about sex, and early on we had sex a whole lot. We were generally plain vanilla, a few sex toys and the occasional video. I liked the porn, and sho did she, frankly, and she would even (occasionally) watch it when I wasn't around to masturbate herself. We had good communication for the most part, or so I thought.
Initially I would fast forward through the girl/girl stuff, because I thought she wouldn't be into it. She then let on that she didn't mind it and I could watch it. Great! Then it came out that she liked watching a woman being eaten out, so Great! (Makes sense to me - I'm straight, I like watching a man get a bj, she's straight, same thing for her, except she dosen't care who is doing the eating part). Then as time progressed, it came out that the girl/girl stuff really turned her on.
In fact, I learned (over the course of a couple or three years) that straight M/F sex didn't really have much of an appeal for her, but put on a scene with Jenna Jameson or Sunrise Adams, and she was ready to go (and, I think, played with herself to such scenes fairly regularly).
Aroudn this time, I arranged a local weekend getaway and we went out for some blackjack, a nice dinner, and then I dragged her (literally) into a strip club, where we got six or seven lap dances from two girls. It was the first time for either of us in one. Her biggest objection, as far as I could tell, was that someone would know that she was there (that she would be seen). Initially, she was passive in the lap dances, which were focused almost entirely on her (the first dancer never even touched me). Then, she began to get into it - touching, etc. Back at the hotel, best sex ever. Next day, she was more horny than I had ever known.
Around this time, I began to learn that she had fairly regular dreams about women, sexually. She said the women were non-specific, but quite erotic. A few months later, we went down to New Orleans, had more lap dances, and a private dance with a really, really hot southern girl. Not really a dance, but more my wife and her making out while I watched. Enough contact that my wife knew the dancer was wet. I though this was fabulous, they exchanged cell phone numbers, the dancer literally turned down a tip from me, and they talked a few times between then and New Year's, when we went back.
Next trip, same kind of dances, but from a diffrent girl (first one was out of town). When we got down there, we had discussed what would happen, what was and wasn't acceptable, and such. Literally the last night we were there, she said that she wasn't ready from a threesome, that if she was going to do anything, she wanted to play with a girl first, by herself. Ok, fine by me (though the last night, one of the dancers, I swear, asked us out for a threesome - I could have just about cried).
After that point, things began to cool off, and I think our sex life began to taper. She seemed less interested in anything exotic, and we were back to having sex like we did at the start - plain vanilla. And I just wasn't as interested. I kept trying to push things, she'd resist, and then I'd get moody and unpleasant. She took something away, I didn't know why, and then I'd be mad and unhappy.
Later on that summer, when were were splitting a very nice bottle of wine, she made an off-hand comment about how she ONLY liked F/F or M/F/F porn, and was she a lesbian? I really think that she was worried that somehow she was a lesbian and that allowing herself to be sexually stimulated by F/F porn, or women in general, would push her over the edge or something. I countered that if anything she was bi, and that was part of her personality, and hiding it would do neither of us any good. She countered with religious upbringing objections. (PLEASE, do not turn this into a religious thread - I would ask that you not judge her on this, please? Thanks). That issue is kind of where we are today. As a side note, I would add that she was a college athlete, saw a bunch of "lesbians" on her teams have affairs with each other, and then go on to marry and have kids with perfectly straight guys - so she recognizes the very malleable nature of female sexuality.
Between a bunch of infertility treatments, one kid and now 6 months of pregnancy that have come since then, we haven't exactly have had much sex recently, but when we have, we've backed off any visual stimulation in general, and the sex had been generally bad. I still lover her deeply, and she me, but any sense of lust has generally dissappeared. Neither of us has been very interested in each other, sexually, I think.
With all that out (sorry for rambling on, this has been theraputic just putting it down in and of itself), where do we go from here? I should say that I have been recalled by the military, and so between now and next year this time, I will probabally only get to see her a handful of days, and that with a coupld young babies, or a very late term pregnancy, so no matter how things were between us, we wouldn't exactly be tearing up the bedroom.
So, again, where do we go from here? How does she deal with her feelings? How do I avoid resenting her for opening the door to a threesome, then shutting it in my face? Is she bi?
Thanks for reading, and thanks for any help or thoughts you have.
