serious question for the women and couples.

[1normalguy]

I would like to get opion of the ladies and couples please this is important to me.
my wife and I are entering our 50's. we both enjoy sex very much. when we first dated her idea of sex was to just lay there. It took almost 2 years to get her to relax enough to have an orgasm and that was oraly (one of my fav things to do to her). over the years we`ve have our bad times and a hole lot of good times. We raised 2 children and worked hard at our jobs and don`t anyone a dime. After 25 years of marige I started to have some erection problems. As we are getting older her sex drive is getting a lot stronger. so much so that we have to use a lot of towles to soak up all her juices that i cant drink fast enough and i love it and her. 9 months ago my problem started much worse only half an erection when I could get one at all. after many visits to doctors getting poked and proded and lots of pills that didnt work. i have some prostate issues that dont look good for the future.
we keep trying but not with much luck. I see it her eyes thats its flustrating but she never says anything i still happly eat her as much as i can always to 3 or 4 orgasms. still in back of my mind i know she needs a dick. after 3 months of some serious thinking that maybe its time to bring another man into the bedroom. I like to think of myself as a mans man and never realy understood the cockhold thing. I know if we talked about it she would never say or admitt to have sex with another man. however I love my wife and want here to be happy and satisfied in every way. now after 6 more months of my ed and more thinking what to do or not to do. Now for my questions should i just go ahead and set this up (we go out of town a lot just for little getaways), should it be a friend or a stranger. should i join in or just them have sex themselfs or do nothing at all? Im totaly lost here. please help.

 

[stickygirl]

You've been married longer than I've been alive so I wouldn't for a second presume to suggest anything, but I had to reply to this because your situation is so damned sad. If your marriage has lasted this long though, then surely you need to talk this through with her? I've heard of these kind of arrangements in the past and probably they happen more often than people realise. You're the one who has most to lose because, although you're thinking of her welfare, when it actually happens, how will you feel then?
I hope some of the older women here will step up and say something but in the end you'll need to choose the advice that fits your situation best.

 

[LallyH]

I have been married for many years, but if my DH was having erectile problems, I would be just as concerned about the effect on his emotional and physical needs as my own. Before introducing another human being into the situation, have you considered or discussed using a dildo to give her the sensation you think she's missing?
Personally, I would not like my husband, even though he's a Dom, introducing another man into the bedroom to penetrate me without a LOT of prior discussion! Talk to her - you've been together long enough to be able to convince her that you just want to keep her happy, and see how she feels about it.

 

[NightL]

I see it her eyes thats its flustrating but she never says anything

fix the lack of communication problem first - you may be just surprised how much that may impact on other areas - including physical

 

[bailadora]

I appreciate that you're thinking of her physical needs, but to me - sex is so much more than the physical. The intimacy and emotional connection I feel for my husband are huge factors in my sexual satisfaction.

There are some people who can separate sex and emotion. I would not be one of them and I would be very angry if my husband brought in an outsider without my consent - even if he thought he was doing it "for my own good." I would much rather turn to toys as an aid to penetrative sex, than bring in "the real deal" as it were. But that's me and my relationship. YMMV.

Really, you need to talk to her. Express your concern that her physical needs aren't being met and ask her for ideas on how you can work together to make sure you are both getting what you need.

Good luck.

 

[wicked woman]

Ditto. The advice already given

Absolutely not, before discussing the matter fully. Definitely try the dildo route first if she says she needs to feel the penetration.

Your idea of a surprise, is a great way to destroy your marriage, and I don't think that's what you're trying to do.


It's a huge jump from 'needing a penis' even it'd that's what she thinks, to adding another man to your relationship.

While its generous of you to be willing to go to that length to help the issue, a dildo that use use will have a similar effect while still keeping the dynamics and intimacy between the two of you.

 

[silverwhisper]

your wife may or may not be frustrated but bringing in another guy is a terrible, terrible idea. bringing in another guy without so much as discussing it with her is the worst idea i've seen on this forum in months.

you and she have a good sex life. so here's a crazy idea: go with what you have and maybe some night when you're both relaxed, explain to her your concerns about your erectile dysfunction and its impact on your intimacy. it's obviously something that's weighing on your mind so get it out in the open.

if the subject comes up, great. however, understand that the odds of this are extremely low. and even if it does, it isn't for everyone.

ed

 

[NightL]

2 posts?

Mr 1normalguy can you share what attempts you have made to discuss how your impotency is impacting upon her. Again - "I see it her eyes thats its flustrating but she never says anything" - but have you asked her - actually verbalised it?

Do participate in the this thread you have started. If you do, discuss advice offered to you. Does it fit? Will you follow through? Do you disagree and if so why?

I am confused - after "25 years of marige" and "we both enjoy sex very much" and "her sex drive is getting a lot stronger. so much so that we have to use a lot of towles to soak up all her juices that i cant drink fast enough" - why does "when we first dated her idea of sex was to just lay there. It took almost 2 years to get her to relax enough to have an orgasm and that was oraly" have anything to do with the current situation?

If you have followed through with "after many visits to doctors getting poked and proded and lots of pills that didnt work. i have some prostate issues that dont look good for the future" - well I still say you should discuss your fears directly with her.

With this "i have some prostate issues" - then you most certainly need to follow through on that with your GP - the other option could be - you're dead. If your GP is not giving you a clear pathway forward on this then go to another GP.

As far as I am aware - early detection and treatment for prostrate issues -well all will be normal enough soon.

Look forward to your continued participation in this thread you have started.

If it is reading relief you are need of for setting up the wife without her consent with another penis then try looking beyond the How To... board. I'm sure a good Google search will have matters in hand.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Just for a little reality check..
how would you feel if you came home and she had another man in the bedroom but hadn't discussed it with you first?

Here is a woman who has trusted you enough with the most intimate details of her life. She has evolved as a sexual being with you, because of you, and for you. She has formed a partnership that has lasted through the many struggles that come with being a family. There is a strong chance that, even if she is disappointed that you have developed a medical condition, she doesn't want to give that part of her to anyone else.

You won't know unless you ask her. You need to ask her. It will open the door for the two of you to discuss this other thing that has gotten in the way. Medical problems can scare people. They begin to see the future differently. They worry. They grieve. Everyone does it differently. Maybe she isn't looking at you wondering why you can't get it up. Maybe she is looking at you and wondering if her long-time friend and partner is really ok.

(did I already tell you to talk with her?)

 

[njlauren]

normal guy-

As a not so normal guy (well, whatever I am these days, failed m to f trans?) I am of the same age as you are, and faced some similar issues. It is a weird quirk of nature that as we get older, women seem to become more sexual and men drop off (more then likely because of testosterone drop off, which the dickhead doctors are still saying 'is no big deal', even though there is evidence to the contrary), it can be hard, and if you love someone, it is hard to feel you aren't pleasing them.

One thing to keep in mind, unless you wife is a complete insensitive idiot like the wives portrayed in some of the cheating wives story (which she doesn't sound like!*smile*), she also knows you were patient with her when her sex drive wasn't there, she knows you were there for her, and if she loves you, as she probably does, she is probably thinking, as someone else said, about you, worried about you. Men put so much emphasis on their dicks, to them it is the center of sexuality, that they don't realize that they are a lot more then a dick to their partners/wives, they are the person they have loved,and it is different. (How do I know? because we have talked about this, my wife has talked about it when I would get frustrated something didn't work right, etc).

I understand your frustration, wanting to please her, and also fears if you don't she will be jumping ship or something, and I think you need to trust you wife and realize if she has been with you this long, through thick, thin or, as one friend of mine, who owns a chinese restaurant said "through moo goo gai pan" (a dish of some sort), then it isn't a threat, either.

My first recommendation? Dump the GP and go see a urologist. GP's to be honest are not experts, and their first answer is "here is your handy samples of Viagra, and a prescription"......get it checked out, there is a lot they can do for things like ED these days.

Second? Talk to your wife about your feelings, how you want to please her, how you feel bad because the penetrative sex isn't there.....Be honest, and hopefully she will be able to tell you how she feels (and if this is that big an issue, working with a counselor trained in sexual issues may be a wonderful thing).

I wouldn't even bring up another man at this point (and i am sure you are probably getting PM's from all sorts of jerk offs from here, offering to 'be the other guy' and so forth, fucking vultures have better empathy), I don't think that is a good solution, even though you brought it up in good faith. It is one thing to do it as something you both wanted to do for fun, but as a surrogate it is fraught with difficulty, your wife is more likely then not to feel uncomfortable and maybe a bit hurt (not your intent, but she may feel like you are saying that, because you feel she is so shallow that all that matters is someone with a dick)...

The other thing is, besides seeing the urologist, use your imagination (and I am speaking from experience on this stuff). One of the reasons I suggest a sex therapist (not talking a surrogate) is they can help you understand sexuality and also alternatives. You are doing oral sex on your wife, and it is obvious it works on her, but one thing you have to understand is women's sexual response is not just based in the clitoris, that a clitoral orgasm is very different then the whole package (and yeah, I had to learn that, too). The vagina has nerve endings going deep, and of course there is the G spot on the top of the vagina (it is in effect the 'back side' of the clit). There is a lot of ways, you can please her, if you go at her clit from above (69 position in effect), you could use your fingers to go into her vagina while licking her clit, the fingers get the G spot and the vaginal wall, and tongue does a number on the clit, and all I can say is my wife has had some huge orgasm doing that (ya can't fake it so easily, when the vaginal walls seem intent on breaking your knuckles *lol*)....Or use a good vibrator (I find the more expensive european ones seem to be more comfortable for my wife) while doing her clit. With doing what I am, the way I am, a lot of the time, my wife seems to feel it is better than it ever was, maybe knowing I can do that kind of things to her takes the pressure off (plus for me, quite honestly, the kind of sex we are doing is more comfortable for me, for a lot of reasons). There are good books out there, take a gander, but there is a lot of ways to give her pleasure....while licking her , put a vibrator in her vagina, and then use a finger to play with her ass opening, or penetrate it (if you don't object to it, have her sit where you can play with her vagina, and tongue her anal opening.....if she has cleaned herself well, there is nothing disgusting about it, believe me. Sex to me is about giving my partner pleasure in love, and watching her go to the moon, that is an incredible experience, and it doesn't all have to be about your dick. If you can get hard but not hold it, try using a cock ring once it gets hard (keeps the blood from leaving)

Again, talk to a urologist, there are things they can do and a GP may not know much. You can also try things that help improve blood flow, like gingko, and there are things that can help prostates, like saw palmetto, but with anything involving a real health issue like that, you need to talk to a doctor about that., preferably a good urologist, there are also herbal treatments that help ED, but again, those you need to talk to a doctor about, if your prostate is fouled up or if it is pre cancerous or something....another thing to get checked if your GP hasn't is your testosterone level, that can do a number, too....

I wish you luck, your circumstances in some ways are eerily like my own, been married as long, have had issues with sex, my wife coming alive, and so forth. Don't sell your wife short, the frustration you saw might be her seeing your frustrated, and not knowing what to do to help you, which is where the communications come in. Again, I would strongly advise talking to her, explaining what you feel, but don't bring up another man, don't bring up "I want you to be satisfied", a lot of wives IME are going to feel more hurt by that than flattered, as if you see her as someone who if they don't get the sex they need, will consider you worthless or something, they will be hurt that you see them as being shallow or something. It isn't a solution I would consider a first, second or third level of resolution, I think you would be miserable and your wife wouldn't be happy, either.

 

[fgarvb1]

If all else fails you can get "pump up" device installed.

A man I know said his wife was one happy woman!

 

[blulilacgrl]

Normal guy~ I almost feel like I am piling on here with the refrain of talk to your wife, but I want to just add one thought. I have been married a long time as well (celebrating 20 years this year) and sometimes when you have been married this long we begin to think we know our partners so well that we don't need to ask what they are thinking. Please stop and talk to your wife.

I think that it is very thoughtful that you would even consider allowing another person into your bed for her pleasure. But as others have articulated, you don't know that this is what she would want. And sometimes our spouse, even after all this time, can surprise us. Until you can have the open and honest discussion with her about your perception of her frustration and perhaps (from what I sense) your own frustration with the situation, you cannot even begin to have the type of dialogue that is needed before bringing a third party into the mix.

Remember, you two are a team. This is when you huddle up and figure out the best way to move forward.

I wish you two the best of luck.

 

[elling50]

Erectile dysfunction.

I have the same problem, and it is actually very common.
I told my wife that I would not be jealous if she wanted to have sex with another man to experience penetration again.
This opened up a very important communcation between us.
Her fear was that my erectile dysfunction was caused by her not beeing attractive enough for me. She was not missing the penetration. She told she had never had vaginal orgasms. She had never had orgasms when she was in a relationship before we met where she only had penetrative vaginal intercourse. Her first orgasm was with me, when I stimulated her with my fingers and later mouth as well. I suggested toys and dildos (I guess I would like to play with that as well), but she was not interested.
Our sex life has peaked since and is very good. Though I miss the penetrations for my own part, she seems very happy and orgasms several times when we are together.
I meant what I said to her, but she is not interested, think it would be morally wrong. I believe her when she said that she is more interested in My fingers and tongue than in an other mans penis.

 

[LadyVer]

If a man I was in a relationship with had ed probs, I wouldn't be looking for a substitute. I'd just make him work a little harder at other things.

 

[TildaS]

No experience in anything like this and am only 20 but..........

I would say try and find another couple not just a guy. Probably your rough age. Am sure plenty of websites or groups in a city close enough to go for a weekend every couple months but not to bump into people round town!

If you're into oral as much as it sounds and hopefully skilled you could give the other lady a different experience than she probably gets at home (regular anyway as you sound very committed) and hubby could help your wife out with something she doesn't experience. I'd have thought best in same room to begin exploring but if you felt comfortable with the couple (would you do anything let alone be alone with them if not?) then maybe future things would be seperated at least some of the time.

Not sure if I'm best to ask but it popped into my head and maybe someone with at least similar experiences could take it on further if it goes down well (ooh er!)

 

[elling50]

No experience in anything like this and am only 20 but..........

I would say try and find another couple not just a guy. Probably your rough age. Am sure plenty of websites or groups in a city close enough to go for a weekend every couple months but not to bump into people round town!

If you're into oral as much as it sounds and hopefully skilled you could give the other lady a different experience than she probably gets at home (regular anyway as you sound very committed) and hubby could help your wife out with something she doesn't experience. I'd have thought best in same room to begin exploring but if you felt comfortable with the couple (would you do anything let alone be alone with them if not?) then maybe future things would be seperated at least some of the time.

Interesting and fascinating thought. For my part I think I would be too embarrased about the erection thing. And my wife would definitly not be interested (and perhaps anxious that the new situation will give me erections pointing the blame at her sexiness). No not for me - tough in my fantasies - great.

 

[Noor]

talk to your wife, see if she is missing PIV, I know women who actually prefer oral or hands to penetration.

I would not just set something up unless you want a divorce or worse.