SERIOUS PROBLEM How Do I Want Stay Faithful.

[ROS_LOMBOT]

Im a Man.
A married man.
With a very understanding wife.
I have only been married a year and I do love her,
As there are many forms of love Ill describe it.

I feel incomplete without her and feel that her very pressence somehow purifyies me.
Physically she is very attractive.
She is the kindest person I have ever met.
Without her I would simply live a life of one night stands, prostitutes and general hedinisim, giving up one any true happiness or life.

THE PROBLEM.
I have this overwhelming craving to be unfaithful at times.
It does not even seem to be a sexual craving as such.
Just a craving to go out,drink, dance most of the night and get laid by a stranger.
Why? When I know how much pain that would cause both of us.
Yet I have indugled to a limited extent and want more.

Am a just a typical weak man in if so how can I find the resolve that equals the love or my wife, Susan?

Or is there more going on here?

I feel confused and tired and need some objective opinions.

She dosn't mind be reading and having net sexual freindships.
She see's it more as interactive porn rather than infedelity

IN ADDITION
I know there will be women out there who have had unfaithful partners, who will instantly say things like.
"Grow Up"
or
"Typical Bloody Man"
This is not helpful advice as it is nothing I have not told and beaten myself up about at 5am every other morning.

Another additional fact that may or may not be relivant, is that Im suffering from Manic Depression (sometimes called Bi-polar Disorder)
Basically it boils down to having very low self esteame at times.

Plese Help.

 

[Cheyenne]

I'm female and single, probably not the best to give you advice right now. I've never been in your shoes. But, I'll try.

My first impression is that you are headed in the right direction if only because you realize you have a problem and you really want to solve it. You didn't ask us to help justify that what you want is "right" you asked us to help you "not want it" in the first place. I don't know if that is possible though. Maybe the best you can hope for is wanting it less, and being able to control the craving. Most of us have cravings of some kind. A weird fetish here and there. You'll find a lot of people at Lit are here just for that reason- it is a safe way to indulge without actually doing something that you may do now only in your fantasy world.

Does being bi-polar have anything to do with the timing of your cravings for other women? Or is it a constant craving? I know zilch about bi-polar disease- but could your problem be related to it? The first obvious spot to start looking for help is with your doctor. I'm making the assumption that you see a doctor already- hopefully one that you can talk to about your bi-polar issues as well as this craving for strange women.

Did you often go drinking, dancing, and sleeping with strange women before you got married? Was your wife someone you did that with or is she "above" the rest of the women you've been with? What I'm getting at is if you have acted this way for years, it may not be realistic to think you can easily change your personality and style just because you have a piece of paper that says you are married. Our culture says you are supposed to to just that. Other cultures aren't necessarily as "strict". And, if you see your wife as being so perfect, maybe you're afraid to share this side of yourself with her? Why not take HER out drinking/dancing/screwing until dawn?

One last suggestion, and this one I do have experience with. Forget the part about having net sexual friendships and seeing them as not being unfaithful to your wife. Some people can actually say they don't feel they are cheating and they mean it. They keep it in the cyberworld only, and would never consider moving to RL with an online relationship. You don't seem to have the personality to be able to pull that off. In your own mind- are you cheating on your wife if you cyber with someone else? Does cybering with someone else make you crave being with them in real life? If you had the opportunity, would you meet those online sexual friends and maybe do some of the things you've talked about in real life? If your wife knew about your craving to be with other women in RL, would she still think the net is harmless or would she think it is a dangerous place for you to run into temptation? Does cybering leave you empty and wanting physical and emotional contact with a real person, not a computer screen? Again, my point is that online sexual friends aren't likely to help you with your problem, they are likely to make it worse.

And this last idea may be way out in left field, never having been married myself. But what about the idea of sharing your problem with your wife and going for counseling together now, before you indulge yourself too far? Can you tell her what you just told us? Would she rather be part of the solution for you, or in the dark about what you are going through?

Good luck! I hope it works out for you.

 

[ROS_LOMBOT]

Dear Cheyenne

I did all the drinking, dancing and screwing ALLOT before I was married, the strange thing is that I don't REALLY want or enjoy the sex with these women no motter how attractive they are.
I kinda feel Jaded by it all.
But it is a sort of pattern that repeats itself, making me feel more depressed and like shit than I did before.

(I know us men are not supposed to admit to feeling like this, we are all supposed to be studs)

There dose seem to be a roughly Monthly / Bi-monthly rythem to it. Where the depression gets to deep and "Giving in" is the only cure.
Without is I just stop feeling "Sexual" or "Attractive" and the sex with my wife suffers, as my esteame gets lower.

When I do finally give in,
I make a point of being alone, not even being with any close freinds. It HAS to be BY MYSELF, I NEED to be a stranger.

When Im with my freinds or Wife I feel like Im "On duty".
Protecting and watching out for everyone.

Cybering does not seem to Increase the need, nor is it anything like the same craving. Its just another option to take among that, films, and Magazines, ect.

I tend to inulge in porn only when its Susans time of the month of if she has done allot of overtime and it to tired.
I don't think there is a direct connection (Although I could be wrong)

I hope this builds up the picture more.

 

[Weird Harold]

When I do finally give in,
I make a point of being alone, not even being with any close freinds. It HAS to be BY MYSELF, I NEED to be a stranger.

When Im with my freinds or Wife I feel like Im "On duty".
Protecting and watching out for everyone.

There are several stories here about spouses role-playing scenarios where they meet somewhere and pretend to be strangers. Would something like that work for you?

As for the feeling of being "On Duty" all the time, perhaps buying your wife a set of handcufffs so that she can "take charge" sometimes and put you in a situation where you can't be on duty.

This is definitely something you need to discuss with your therapist/doctor and, if at all possible, your wife.

 

[catlover]

interesting - I know nothing about the bi-polar bit but I too went through similar thoughts immediately after I got married at age of 27. I couldnt imagine, however, my wife involved in any extra-marital play. As it happenned, there was none for either of us for about 9 yrs altho I sure had thoughts and fantacies about it.

Eventually it all came to a head- she got me into swinging (see the OOC Church thread on SRP) and we eventually got divorced. Since then with a lot of thought I personally have a solution for you, but rather than post it here, if you want to e-mail me I will respond, Curious - how old are you and your wife? I think it makes a difference

 

[ROS_LOMBOT]

Your Idea

Yes catlover, please feel free to E-amil me with your sugestion.

 

[Tamtam]

everyone is assuming that you are seeing a doctor for your depression but you havent said that straight out. Are you seeing a doctor for your condition? If so s/he should know about these feelings and should prescribe you something that will control the rythms and help yuo recognize what is happening and how to control them. I also recomend that you talk to a pschiatrist, social worker, counseler, therapist or the like. They can help you get control of your emotions and stop you from feeling like things are out of control. I know its hard to admit you need help but you have already admitted your emotions and that you arent like other guys so take that step if not for your marriage for your own security.

 

[ROS_LOMBOT]

Doctors

I live in the UK
Im on the LOng Long Looong waiting list to see a shrink,
Until then I only have pills (900 mg Volporic acid) to help cope.

 

[Tamtam]

i dont know how the health care or public aid systems work in the UK but are there any clinics that you can go to so you can atleast talk to someone? i know your marriage is important but what is more important is your own health. bipolar disorcer can be really serious if not treated. as i said i dont know how everything in the UK works but if you go to a counselor that might help you get into a psychiatrist faster.

 

[Nogard]

You have a choice, be faithful or get single. If you are not faithful, I'm sure your wife will help you with the second part. What is she worth to you? Your decision, but be prepared to live with your decision. No good woman is worth giving up for a stray piece of ass.

 

[Tamtam]

this is not something that he wants to do. he says that it upsets him, he doesnt want to hurt his wife, he loves her, and wants to stop these feelings. depression is a serious illness its not something you can just decide to get out of with out a lot of help. im wishing you the best of luck. you are obviously a strong man by your willingness to ask for help. now you need to go ask a professional for help.

 

[Ezzy]

Just a thought

I have friends and family with Manic depression.

The first place I would look for help with your siuation, would be the local MIND group.

They have day centers in most areas of the UK, and would be a first step.

On the relationship front, is it the time away that you seek or the dancing and being out and about that you look for.

If it is the first, then take the time away to do something else that you like.

If the second, have you thought about taking your wife out to do the dancing and socializing with.

Hope this helps.

EZ http://cgi.tripod.com/smilecwm/cgi-bin/s/cwm2/sleep.gif

 

[svenj]

Do you even have a problem?

Or are you just denying your nature? Some people aren't wired for monogamy; that's just the way it is. The reason you feel guilty is because everything you've ever read, seen on TV or watched in a movie has worked hard to program you for a monogamistic lifestyle. I mean, I'm a bisexual male. I am attracted to both men and women. Does that mean that I eventually HAVE to choose one and settle down? No, it doesn't. Because we don't HAVE to do anything. If you truly love your wife, and by that I mean that you two are connected at the soul, the open up to her. If you love is deep and strong enough, the two of you should be able to do whatever it takes to keep yourselves satisfied sexually. But if you're in one of those standard marriages, the kind where the people involved don't bother to express themselves, to offer all their sexual secrets before tying the knot, then you might be in trouble.

But don't let people convince you that you have a "problem." There are alot of people that try to convice homosexuals that they have a problem. We refer to them as members of the Christian Coalition. And they are full of shit.

Take this for what it is worthy...advice from one of the horniest bastards on the planet.

C.

 

[Skitten]

You are still young in the marrying game and it is a big change for a lot of people. My advice to you is to experiment with new things, live out your fantasies with your wife and see what hers might be. You do not have to go elsewhere to find excitement you can make your own with her. Bondage can be something different as well as the role playing, just experiement and see what you both like. And you never know what she may want too.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Interesting, they got me on 1250mg of valproic. Get a monthly blood level for toxicity if you don't already.

Firstly, I know where you're coming from. I am just not the monogamous sort, but I adore my StudMuffin, even when I wanna break something, preferably in his body. Monday will be 11 years for the Stud and myself, and it hasn't been easy. My only real problem with my Studpuppy in the sexual department is that he is, um, not articulate. I'm a lover of words, nothing else will "do it" for me with any regularity. I like to immerse the both of us in a fantasy complete with verbalizing. His idea of communication is "grunt grunt, I'm cummmin uuuuuuuuuugggghhhh. Ouch. I think I hurt something, where's the darvocet?"

You have already made the decision not to cheat on your wife, one that isn't going to be easy for you since you're already contemplating it and you have the bi-polar thing. The decision, however, has been made with the full weight of your love, commitment and her trust behind it. Your problem is that you don't trust yourself not to cheat on your lovely wife. You know very well that if the opportunity presented itself, you would cheat. Not because you loved the other person, or were even terribly attracted to that single woman, but rather simply because it's sex, it's cheap, and it doesn't require you to do anything but fuck. No emotional involvement, just gratification, when you grow bored you can leave them. Is this correct?

I would strongly suggest to you that you not indulge in any form of cyber affair. You wouldn't be enjoying interactive porn in your mind, you would be cheating. You would find yourself involved with the woman on the other end, rather than the fantasy on your screen. Your wife may have approved of it, but it doesn't appear to me that you have meaninfully communicated.

If you decide to do this, then sit your wife down and talk to her openly about what you want to do, how you want to do it, and what it entails. She may not be interested in whats going on in the net, but make sure she is always in a position to know if she desires. If you are lucky you may be able to convince her to join in with you, to enjoy the fantasy with you. If not, tape a nice big picture of your wife to the monitor and don't cover it up.

Still, I would hope you'd not do it. You already have a difficult enough time controlling your impulses with your condition, don't add to the tempation by giving it an easily available outlet. It wouldn't take much for you to prefer you email lover's company to your wife's, effectively excluding her from your life. You haven't been married long, it's an adjustment that takes years and there may be inhibitions at play here, sexually speaking. It takes time to get to know each other fully and comfortably. It takes open and honest communication.

 

[Guest]

Ros...
I have a different answer for you. Have you considered the idea of Christ being able to help you through this? I may be out of the norm to be a visitor here AND a strong Christian. With out Christ's help, I dont know where I woud be. I think Marriage is an incredible blessing and Responsibility that needs to be fought for and protected deeply! You OBVIOUSLY feel your relationship with your wife is not what you want to lose. you want to lose the cravings. I am gently offering to you the idea that perhaps God is creating a small window of opportunity in your heart for himself to grow in you. Does this make sence?.. does this make youmad?.. does it confuse you?..
whatever your answer I hope you will consider this idea.

WHere to go from there?... I am with everyone else as far as getting professional help. Also another option may be finding a person ( i know of them through my church) who is willing to pray with you and hold you accountable. THis could be a person whom you can call if you are feeling that frustration again and can offer suggestions and encouragement but maily prayer- or what ever works for you.

Lastly, I will suggest a church for you to look up. VINEYARD Christian Fellowship is non denominational, internatinal and very "current" - (no robes and chanting! HA HA)- But do know its ok to searh for a place you feel comfortable.

Blessings to you! YOu are incredibly valuable to God and your desire to protect your marriage is a right attitude. DOn't give up.

 

[bubette]

Ros,
Although I'm a woman I can from first hand experience relate to your problem. I'm not sure I have any answers for you but maybe it will help to know there are others who have been where your are. I was married to my first husband for 14 years. I loved him completely as a person but we never had a great sex life. The biggest part of this I blamed on myself and spent many years in counseling trying to overcome it. I have been sexually active since I was 14. For many years when I was younger the sex act itself did not do a whole lot for me but the whole build up leading up to it was an incredible feeling. I guess I suffered from low self esteem when I was younger and when a guy paid attention to me even if only to get into my pants I was incredibly turned on. As I matured I came to fully appreciate all aspects of sex and I loved it. I've always had a "wild streak" and would fantazise wild and outrageous scenarios. I masturbated every day almost since I was 14 or so. I usually would date men who were wild as hell and real losers. When I met my first husband he was the opposite of every guy I'd ever been attracted too. He was a police officer, very conservative and very stable. He was so good to me and he worshipped the ground I walked on. I felt so safe with him and I just knew we would have a wonderful life together. He was also a virgin (23 yrs old) when I met him. He was incredibly turned on by my sexuality and I was drawn to his high moral character. He was a normal healthy man who also had a high sex drive once he unleashed it. He had outrageous fantasys also and we should have clicked wonderfully well. But I felt like he was above the "baser, nasty" side of sex and when he wanted the wild things I craved in fantasy it was a complete turn off to me. I looked at him as being above all that. Have you ever heard of the Madonna-Whore Syndrome that some men experience? They put their wife on a pedestal and she's supposed to be pure and clean strictly a lady while they crave the kind of sex you get with a whore or slut. Well I think I had the Madonna Whore Syndrome with my first husband. I could never look at him and think he should be "down and dirty" but I still craved " down & dirty" so after a few years I strayed.
I had a couple of relationships where I actually had feelings and cared for the men I was seeing but most of the time I combed the bars looking for a one night stand. I can't explain it but I felt compelled to do it and I felt so bad and disgusted with myself afterwards that I would fall into a deep depression which would cause me to do it again. It was a horrible time in my life! My friends even told me they thought I had a problem and that one man could never satisfy me. I wanted more than anything to love and be loved by one person, but I couldn't feel that way for my husband. I finally filed for divorce and met the man who is my husband now. He is truly my soulmate and the most wonderful incredibly sexy man I've ever known. We've been married for 7 years and I would rather drink poison than ever be unfaithful to him. He's a good person but he's also been around the block a few times and I don't see him as a saint. It's not a struggle to be faithful to him, I can't imagine anyone else ever touching me without it totally disgusting me. That's not to say I don't still have an active fantasy life because I do, and as good as the sex is with him there are still a few kinky fantasys that turn me on that I'm not willing to share with him, so I hang out sometimes in places like here and occasionlly exchange email and cyber with someone who also has the same type fantasys I have. I don't consider it cheating and I don't think about them when I'm not online. As a matter of fact most of the time when I've spent some time online in a sexy chatroom or reading sexy email, it's usally late at night after he and I have made love. Usually I wind up waking him up again and giving him a most incredible fucking.
Anyway I've rambled on enough. Just wanted you to know your situation is not hopeless and others have been where your at. Don't let anyone tell you your not capable of monogamy because I believe each of us is at the right time and with the right person. You really do need to get counseling though ASAP. I believe this will really help you to overcome this problem you have. You've taken the first step by admitting there is a problem, now take the 2nd step and get some professional help.
Good Luck,
Bubette

 

[Guest]

Another additional fact that may or may not be relivant, is that Im suffering from Manic Depression (sometimes called Bi-polar Disorder)
Basically it boils down to having very low self esteame at times.

Plese Help.

I dated a bi-polar man, and when I did, went out and found all the material I could about the disorder.

Bi-polar disorder does increase your libido. It happens when you are cycling and manaic. Talk to a pdoc as soon as you can. This is a treatable disorder, and he should know about this aspect. You should probably be on Lithium or Depakote. Treating only depression does not work for bi-polar people.

Your low self esteem could also be by-products of the disorder, although not all bi-polar people have low self esteem. My bf had a very high self esteem.

For reading material (the best I could find) was "A Perfect Madness" by Patty Duke. Believe it or not, she's bi-polar. When she was finally diagnosed, she looked for material about the disorder, and couldn't find much. So with a professional journalist, she researched and wrote that book. It's very informative. My bf learned a lot from it, and he'd been diagnosed for 20 years.

- Moon

[Edited by MoonWolf on 11-16-2000 at 10:50 PM]