Serious: Please Help!!

[marieR19]

I just had a very emotional, serious, and disturbing revelation, and I have no idea where to go from here. As most of you know I am very new to the RL aspects of bdsm, but I have known for years that I'm submissive and that I want someone to dominate me. I read a lot of beginners guides online and stuff, and "realized" that I wanted to (eventually, after training and more experiance) become a 24/7 lifestyle slave. Well tonight has changed my outlook on that, and scared me too.
I have been talking quite seriously with a Mistress about becoming her slave, we have talked about what would be required, limits, needs/wants, etc. and I was very confident and sure that I wanted to be hers. But then she requested three naked pictures of me, two of which would be close-ups, and my anxiety went racing to panicked hysteria. Seriously. I cried for a long time and tried to explain to her why I couldn't take those pictures, but she said that as a slave I would have to put my fears behind and just trust that she would take care of me and know that I would be pleasing her. And I really, truly wanted to. But I still struggle, every single day, with urges to become anorexic again, as I was for four years. It is still so bad that I have to take extreme precautions not to focus too much on my body (I even have my bathroom mirror covered with wallpaper so that I don't see my body after/before my shower).
Unfortunately, we are no longer talking. And I'm really starting to doubt my ability as a submissive and/or slave. I'm scared that not being able to do something as "simple" as that may mean that I'm not as submissive or willing as I think I am. Maybe I'm really not destined to be owned and dominated, as I've thought for so long. Or maybe this particular thing is just a hard limit for me?? I really don't know. In my heart, as well as my logical mind, I still feel that I am a submissive and that I can be obedient and follow orders. I can even be naked around people (girlfriend, etc) after a certain level of trust is built... It's not really the nakedness that gets to me, It's the times when I'm able/have the oppertunity to look at my body and "see" how fat I am (even tho I really know I'm not) that makes me cry and panic.
So yeah, I know it's been long and stuff, but PLEASE help me. Does anyone have any advice, words of wisdom, suggestions, anything?


Marie

 

[graceanne]

*great big hugs*

I'm sorry to hear you've struggled with anorexia, and think it's wonderful that you've manged to 'beat' it. I've been friends with many many anorexic/bulemics and I know how hard it is to fight. I skirted anorexia myself. In highschool I only ate at dinner, and that's cause my mom made me. Occasionaly for lunch I'd have a pop. You must be and extreemly strong person to be doing as well as you are.

There are two things that I'm thinking here. First, it sounds to me like your prospective mistress is very insensitive. This may be a 'small' thing to someone else, but it's a big thing to you and you are who we're talking about here. Everyone has something that's 'small' to someone else. I am terrified of the sound of a toilet flushing at night time. I'm sure that sounds small to you, but it's huge to me. I actually wait till dawn, then get up and go flush the toilet so that it won't bug anyone. I'm wondering if this lady has ever been with a recovering anorexic before. Maybe she needs to do some research in the disease and talk to some people before she tries to dominate a submissive.

The other thing I'm worrying about is that you body image is still ruling you. You are so afraid of seeing your body that you cover up the mirrors, and that concerns me. I can see doing that at first, but it's been . . . four years? Are you still getting therapy for your disease? The only way to fully recover, if I remember right, it to learn to accept your body, and you can't do that if you are denying it. I could be wrong, I don't know.

Either way, I'm really sorry that all this happened, I'd noticed you talking in a few posts about your prospective mistress, and I know you were excited. *hugs*

 

[Rrrosyn]

I just had a very emotional, serious, and disturbing revelation, and I have no idea where to go from here. As most of you know I am very new to the RL aspects of bdsm, but I have known for years that I'm submissive and that I want someone to dominate me. I read a lot of beginners guides online and stuff, and "realized" that I wanted to (eventually, after training and more experiance) become a 24/7 lifestyle slave. Well tonight has changed my outlook on that, and scared me too.
I have been talking quite seriously with a Mistress about becoming her slave, we have talked about what would be required, limits, needs/wants, etc. and I was very confident and sure that I wanted to be hers. But then she requested three naked pictures of me, two of which would be close-ups, and my anxiety went racing to panicked hysteria. Seriously. I cried for a long time and tried to explain to her why I couldn't take those pictures, but she said that as a slave I would have to put my fears behind and just trust that she would take care of me and know that I would be pleasing her. And I really, truly wanted to. But I still struggle, every single day, with urges to become anorexic again, as I was for four years. It is still so bad that I have to take extreme precautions not to focus too much on my body (I even have my bathroom mirror covered with wallpaper so that I don't see my body after/before my shower).
Unfortunately, we are no longer talking. And I'm really starting to doubt my ability as a submissive and/or slave. I'm scared that not being able to do something as "simple" as that may mean that I'm not as submissive or willing as I think I am. Maybe I'm really not destined to be owned and dominated, as I've thought for so long. Or maybe this particular thing is just a hard limit for me?? I really don't know. In my heart, as well as my logical mind, I still feel that I am a submissive and that I can be obedient and follow orders. I can even be naked around people (girlfriend, etc) after a certain level of trust is built... It's not really the nakedness that gets to me, It's the times when I'm able/have the oppertunity to look at my body and "see" how fat I am (even tho I really know I'm not) that makes me cry and panic.
So yeah, I know it's been long and stuff, but PLEASE help me. Does anyone have any advice, words of wisdom, suggestions, anything?


Marie

Your personal immage issues and your ability to be submissive are not related. You can be a submissive with any number of health problems. Nothing changes that spark of your personality.

Was this Mistress online? Did she know you battle with anorexia? Personally, I cannot imagine giving such private pictures to anyone online. That's just me. But if she knew about your self-image issues and eating disorder, then her demanding this is not just a warning sign, but it was uncaring. That's her not you.

Imagine the difference though if this was a Mistress in the same room with. You're standing nude, kneeling before her. She is taking photos and telling you how lovely she finds you and what a nice angle your breasts are at in that position and so on.

A proper dominant shouldn't just make promises verbally about taking care of you. Her actions need to be taking care of you. And she needs to take care of all of you. That includes your mental and emotional health.

If you feel you are still submissive, I am sure you are. As I said, the two are not related.

I doubt I said anything you didn't all ready know, but sometimes it helps to have confirmation.

 

[linuxgeek = RAT]

Call the cops.

 

[graceanne]

If you feel you are still submissive, I am sure you are. As I said, the two are not related.

I agree. Only you know who and what you are, not someone you've chatted with for a bit online.

 

[tealsphynx]

Having limits based on your own fears and displeasures are not wrong. This mistress is wrong for not respecting your limits (even if you had not previously listed as limits, you may not have known about them before). Limits are there for a reason and if your body image causes a photography limit it's her responsibility as your mistress to keep your trust and loyalty to respect that. It's all about safe, sane and CONSENTUAL. I'm sorry you have that battle. I started getting anorexic, I battled it before it consumed me, but I find now being 4 months postpartumn and still the same weight I was the day after I delivered, it is difficult to not have a body issue image. Good luck with your mistress should she decide she can handle your limits. You're not a bad sub/slave for having limits.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If you have never met this person in RL, and more importantly, are not her slave YET, you do not have to obey any command she may give you....and to give over such pics would be high risk IMO. There is this myth that you have to submit to commands of anyone who cares to call themselves a Dominant and then that leads to being considered for something more one on one....BS....unless you are owned by someone, you are not obliged to follow any orders or commands. Granted, it can demonstrate your desire and willingness to submit, but it can also demonstrate indiscriminate submission and not really understanding how deep a commitment submission can be. My thoughts are this person was inexperienced as a Mistress, or not who she said she was, or perhaps just looking to get some pics to perve on or use for other purposes. If you are looking for a RL 24/7 relationship, get to know the person first, not just D/s aspects but everything, know they are who they say they are, and that they respect you and your life, try to meet......then see where it goes.

Catalina

 

[cremebrulee]

Pm

marie,
I have sent you a PM. Preferred not to post to the whole list...

Best wishes

Creme

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Here I will echo catalina's thoughts:

If you are not currently _collared_to_her_, you are not required to obey the commands of this Domme. Others have touched on the body image issue and struggling with anorexia and the lack of sensitivity this Domme is showing.

But here is something to consider:

This "Domme" may not even be a woman. Keep in mind that online, anyone can be anything. That profile may indicate a gorgeous, young woman who is blonde, 36D-24-36, and college educated, with 8 years of real BDSM experience as a Domme. Even have a really gorgeous pic of her in this nice leather corset and riding crop (Gawd I love kinky porn pic sites... )

But the person behind the profile may in fact be old, balding, fat, ugly, tattoed, pierced, evil, sadistic, a drop out, MALE and hung like a stud field mouse ( in otherwords, _me_) .... *LOL*

I don't know but the first thing that would have set off my alarm bells would be asking for the pics in the first place.... HELLO!!! Ladies, back me up on this, but in my personal experience _women_ generally do not ask for nekkid pics right away. But guys? OMG yes. Lots of HNGs out there and the second thing they ask is "are ya nekkid? Great! Take pics and show me!"

That comes right after the "Are you collared yet? No? Great! On yer knees, bitch! Yer MY slave now!"

Rule number one in the cyber realm. Every sub has a safeword. The OFF Button. Use it!

Now after the collar is on, that's a whole different matter. If you were _my_ slave, we would go after this issue hammer and tong. Not because I want pics of you naked, but because the anorexia has power over you, it owns part of you. And I would have you reclaim that part of your heart and soul because unless you own that part of you, you can not surrender it to me.

That and I'm an exhibitionist, I would be showing you off and bragging about how lovely you are etc. You would be getting much positive reinforcement. And you wouldn't want to have issues with your body image because that would be contradicting your owner's good taste and judgement... *grin*

Hope that helps!

 

[marieR19]

Thank you all sooooooo much for the positive, uplifting responses! The reason I wanted your opinions was because I respect everyone in this forum so much, and reading the replies.... Graceanne, Catalina, Rrrosyn, and tealsphynx, thank you so much!!! Maybe I'm just emotional tonight, but your sweet words brought tears. Creme, thank you for the wonderful, enlightening PM. And Geoff, your post made me laugh and smile. I needed that. Thank you all so much.... I'm definately feeling better now. I think I'm going to change my collarme profile to include this as a limit, and keep all your words in mind. Thank you.

Marie
.......................... PS: Okay, f*ck this. I've been on this board long enough, I feel safe enough around you all that I can tell you: Marie is my middle name. My real first name is Heather.

 

[mdiaz451]

you are worthy of a better Mistress

How unfortunate that the supposed Mistress didn't have any sensitivity to your concerns. Anorexia is a condition that can kill, and not being aware and considerate of your needs should send of huge alarms in any sensible person.

I suspect that, inded, this is not a woman, and if it is, she does not deserve you, and would not care for you as you need to be, if you got together.

You did the right thing to end communication with that person.

I don't know if you can target a Domme/ Mistress, but somebody in or associated with the mental health field may possibly be a good match, maybe a RN/LICSW?

I wish you the very best in your search.

 

[FurryFury]

Echos the chorus.

Those who wish to dominate should treasure those who submit. That means take into account their limits and needs. That's what I think.

I would never send a nude picture to anyone. It takes a lot of trust to even get a face shot.

You are a great girl from what I can tell if she doesn't value you, she should. You could probably do better.

Fury