Serious Bedroom problems

[Chicky__]

Hi Guys,

I'm new to this so here we go. I'm 20 yrs old and dating the love of my life for just over a yr now. I've never been able to orgasm nor have I ever felt much with him or in the past. He's been aware of this but its only really become clear in the past few months. I stared seeing a therapist and I'm pretty sure that its justa psychological thing as Inever really took thetime to masturbate or get to know myself as a sexual person. Anyways, while I'm doing these things and trying to figure this out our sex life has been on the back burner. He doesn't enjoy anything bc he thinks Im not enjoying anything ( as he now knows I used to pretend) and he can never finish either. We're in such a hard place and its really tearing us apart. I need to know how to help him as Im starting to finally enjoy things!! I'm pretty scared about trying new things and I don't really know where to start. I want to become more adventurous and I want to excite him again. He's not into me making thigns about him..he wants it to be the both of us enjoying things. Please please please help me... I don't want to lose him and I want us to experience all those crazy intimate sexual experiences.

Big thanks to anyone who replies!

 

[mjl2010]

I'm sure someone will beat me up for saying this...Going to say it anyway.

Sex is something you learn to be good at, just like anything else.

For starters, how about getting intimate and letting that be enough for now? Forget about orgasms and whatever. Yes eventually you want to have them, but are they the most important thing to you?

Hell girl, you're only twenty and you've got a long life ahead of you.

Let me put together this imaginary scene...

romantic dinner for two, at home. Candle light, soft music. Dancing a little afterwards, in the direction of the bedroom after a little while.

Slow undressing. Laying on the bed. cuddles, snuggles. hugs. kisses. touches. leading up to what? does it have to??? This stuff is nice. really nice.

Other times...maybe you want to practice. You're both in bed. got some touching and stuff going on. sure. nice.

He touches, it doesn't feel so great. "Oh hon, not there ok."

He touches. it feels like, oh that's nice. "Yeah hon, more of that for a minute."

Other times, when the romance + intimacy is going on, practice what you've practiced. Forget about the orgasms please. Then one day it might just happen. I'm bumbling this I'm sure. I'm not saying you shouldn't be enjoying it. you should be.



Jeez ERIKA! come help.

MJL

 

[SweetErika]

Nah, you did great, MJL.

Chicky, are you exploring yourself now? Have you tried taking a nice bath, reading some really good stories, and just touching, teasing, different areas of your body to see what feels good to you?

Have you tried exploring with toys, like a vibrator, or even a handheld showerhead, for instance?

None of this should be about orgasm; it's all about learning what makes you tick. Eventually, you'll find enough things that you can put together in such a way that you won't be able to hold back from orgasming, and then you can teach your bf how to do the same.

As for the situation with your bf, I'd sit him down outside the bedroom, tell him how much you love him and appreciate his understanding, and make it clear that you can, and do, enjoy yourself without having an orgasm. Your orgasm (or lack thereof) isn't an indication of your enjoyment, and sexual activity with him is about WAY more than the way your body reacts - it's just as much about being emotionally close to the man you love. (He's probably been watching porn and thinks orgasm is the goal, forgetting the physical and emotional journey!)

Laying out your plan to him will probably provide him with a sense of security. My plan would be to continue with therapy, learn about my body, teach him what I learn, and introduce new ideas, in hopes of us both enjoying sex more. Your plan may very well be different, though, and that's perfectly fine.

With him, you might start by going back to the basics and imposing limits on yourselves for a time. Make out like teenagers with the point of learning what feels great, re-igniting the spark and getting really aroused. After that, you can start adding more touching, mutual masturbation, oral, toys, etc. - think of all of the exciting ways to make each other feel good without actual sex. Hopefully, this will spark your excitement and help you start learning about each other.

I suspect you're going to have to be the leader here for a while. Tell him what you want to do, like and don't like, how much you enjoyed yourself, etc. He's no doubt confused and afraid of using and/or hurting you. I suspect communicating what you want/need in a clear way will help him with that.

 

[x_ShimmeR_x]

Hi Guys,

I'm new to this so here we go. I'm 20 yrs old and dating the love of my life for just over a yr now. I've never been able to orgasm nor have I ever felt much with him or in the past. He's been aware of this but its only really become clear in the past few months. I stared seeing a therapist and I'm pretty sure that its justa psychological thing as Inever really took thetime to masturbate or get to know myself as a sexual person. Anyways, while I'm doing these things and trying to figure this out our sex life has been on the back burner. He doesn't enjoy anything bc he thinks Im not enjoying anything ( as he now knows I used to pretend) and he can never finish either. We're in such a hard place and its really tearing us apart. I need to know how to help him as Im starting to finally enjoy things!! I'm pretty scared about trying new things and I don't really know where to start. I want to become more adventurous and I want to excite him again. He's not into me making thigns about him..he wants it to be the both of us enjoying things. Please please please help me... I don't want to lose him and I want us to experience all those crazy intimate sexual experiences.

Big thanks to anyone who replies!

Don't feel bad. I never experienced an orgasm until I was 20 years old either ... also because I never took the time to explore myself and my sexuality and I had only been with some pretty selfish partners. When I started masturbating and exploring my own body, without the pressure of 'performing' for someone else, I started learning what I enjoyed. It wasn't until I learned how to get myself off that I was able to orgasm with a partner.

In my opinion, sex for a woman can be quite enjoyable even without achieving orgasm. Rather than worrying about that, just enjoy the sensations that you do feel when you and your boyfriend are together. Don't fake orgasm if it doesn't happen, and when something does feel good, TELL HIM, even if it isn't bringing you to climax. And you don't have to be all "Jenna Jameson" about it ... don't worry about sounding sexy or moaning or screaming ... just communicate to your partner that you enjoy what's going on. That way he'll know you are enjoying it, and he can let himself enjoy it also. Also, it doesn't have to be a big rush or about 'finishing' for either one of you. Try different things, different positions, different speeds ... and just be honest about what feels good.

 

[HotBodyLover]

Id also like to add, make yourself feel sexy, endulge in some voyeuristic behaviour maybes, wear a mini-skirt without panties one day, for the whole day, go shopping like that, even the cold or warm whisk of a breeze up into your vagina could make you feel something youve not felt before.

Even go and buy something sexy and wear it for a night infront of the TV and just touch your body, on your own though, wactch say your fave boxset and get to know your body more, get intune with what it wants and how it wants it.

Id also buy a vibrator and or dildo, nothing too extreme at the moment, buying that to explore the vaginial area of your body in a bath or bed, find where you like it to be as you can then teach your b/f to go to theese areas.

And as they have said before, talk to your b/f, let him know you are learning your body, if he dosnt understand hes a prat, hopefully he should understand and want to wait till you have explored yourself and know what you want.

 

[PertPerth]

Hi Guys,

I'm new to this so here we go. I'm 20 yrs old and dating the love of my life for just over a yr now. I've never been able to orgasm nor have I ever felt much with him or in the past. He's been aware of this but its only really become clear in the past few months. I stared seeing a therapist and I'm pretty sure that its justa psychological thing as Inever really took thetime to masturbate or get to know myself as a sexual person. Anyways, while I'm doing these things and trying to figure this out our sex life has been on the back burner. He doesn't enjoy anything bc he thinks Im not enjoying anything ( as he now knows I used to pretend) and he can never finish either. We're in such a hard place and its really tearing us apart. I need to know how to help him as Im starting to finally enjoy things!! I'm pretty scared about trying new things and I don't really know where to start. I want to become more adventurous and I want to excite him again. He's not into me making thigns about him..he wants it to be the both of us enjoying things. Please please please help me... I don't want to lose him and I want us to experience all those crazy intimate sexual experiences.

Big thanks to anyone who replies!

Don't put so much pressure on yourself! The more you stress about it, the harder it will become. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 25.
There is a lot of good advice in the above posts. My suggestion is to masturbate to figure out what works for you. That way you can explore things without worrying about anything/anyone else. Try toys, lotions/lube and pay particular attention to your vaginal muscles and breathing.

Good luck, I hope things improve for you

 

[Emerald_Dragon]

Don't feel bad. I never experienced an orgasm until I was 20 years old either ... also because I never took the time to explore myself and my sexuality and I had only been with some pretty selfish partners. When I started masturbating and exploring my own body, without the pressure of 'performing' for someone else, I started learning what I enjoyed. It wasn't until I learned how to get myself off that I was able to orgasm with a partner.

In my opinion, sex for a woman can be quite enjoyable even without achieving orgasm. Rather than worrying about that, just enjoy the sensations that you do feel when you and your boyfriend are together. Don't fake orgasm if it doesn't happen, and when something does feel good, TELL HIM, even if it isn't bringing you to climax. And you don't have to be all "Jenna Jameson" about it ... don't worry about sounding sexy or moaning or screaming ... just communicate to your partner that you enjoy what's going on. That way he'll know you are enjoying it, and he can let himself enjoy it also. Also, it doesn't have to be a big rush or about 'finishing' for either one of you. Try different things, different positions, different speeds ... and just be honest about what feels good.

Absolutely. There is nothing wrong about having sex for enjoyment rather than the big O. The husband and I have had sex that way and what is the harm? I enjoy the closeness and yes I do get turned on but I am not always in the "mood" to have an orgasm. Sex still feels great and I still really enjoy it and the husband enjoys it.

Don't forget too that there are different ways for a woman to orgasm. They can range from small to large. There are also times of the month that it is easier for me to orgasm. I don't know if it is hormones or what.

Just enjoy each other and figure the orgasm for one or both as an added bonus. Sex play is sometimes better than the orgasm anyway!!

Don't forget too that there is nothing wrong with him having an orgasm and then helping you with yours when you find the best way for you (toys, positions, whatever). Very rarely do you actually have orgasms at the same time. Somebody has to go first!!!

 

[Aaraaf]

Hm...that is quite a dilemma. I think that maybe, while you two are initiating in intimate acts you should tells him if you're enjoying what he's doing or not, and make suggestions of what you do like. Another thing that I've personally found effective, is asking my lover if they're enjoying what I'm doing, and/or prefer something else...It's really hard to work on a relationship when the sex isn't decent. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it'll be hard, because you don't get to enjoy those moments of ecstacy with them.

P.S. Oral doesn't work with you neither?

 

[Chicky__]

Thanks guys!

I have tried a vibrator...it feels great but I still can't go...I think I hae such a hard time psychologically connecting to what's going on..because after awhile ym nerves get so sensitive bc they're so stimulated that I can't keep going but mentally I'm a little bit behind that...and no oral doesn't really work for me either at the moment but i have high hopes. Mainly, I just need to figure out a way to help him...I don't mind dealing with this and being frustrated but its just been months and months of this and he doesn't know what to do...He says he's just too nervous and can't stop thinking about that its not good for me and I try and reassure him as best as Ic an but it doesn't work..any ideas guys?? or ladies for that matter.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks guys!

I have tried a vibrator...it feels great but I still can't go...I think I hae such a hard time psychologically connecting to what's going on..because after awhile ym nerves get so sensitive bc they're so stimulated that I can't keep going but mentally I'm a little bit behind that...and no oral doesn't really work for me either at the moment but i have high hopes. Mainly, I just need to figure out a way to help him...I don't mind dealing with this and being frustrated but its just been months and months of this and he doesn't know what to do...He says he's just too nervous and can't stop thinking about that its not good for me and I try and reassure him as best as Ic an but it doesn't work..any ideas guys?? or ladies for that matter.

It's likely you need to take breaks when using a vibe or receiving other kinds of stimulation that feels really good. When it feels overwhelming or stops feeling as good, take a short break, relax, then start again. You might have to do this multiple times, but that's okay; when you eventually have an orgasm, you'll find it's much better because you worked yourself up. I even have to take breaks during oral - there's a point at which nothing really stimulates me anymore, and I need to rest my nerves and refocus my mind to get anywhere.

For the mental component, do you fantasize? For example, have you tried reading a couple of great stories, then replaying the arousing components in your mind?

I find fantasizing serves a dual purpose for me: it's arousing and it helps keep me from getting distracted and wandering off mentally.

Neither of these things are magic bullets, but they help me quite a bit.

I don't know what you should do about your bf. Other than talking to him in a frank way outside the bedroom and going back to basics to learn what feels good together, you can't convince him you're enjoying yourself if he's set on not believing it. You might equate it to him doing things that make you or others feel good, e.g., it feels good to give someone a massage or gift because you know it makes them feel good, and then translate that to sex (e.g. it gives you pleasure to do things to him because you know those things make him feel good).

I see this as a trust issue: he's not choosing to believe you get pleasure when you don't orgasm and give him pleasure. You can tell him it hurts to not be believed when you're being completely honest, and to not be able to give him pleasure, but in the end, you can't make him believe you id he doesn't want to. And, sadly, if he doesn't change his mind, you may have to consider whether or not you want a relationship with someone who won't give you a chance to rebuild trust and believe you.