Serial Monogamy as Accepted Norm?

[Shendude]

Officially, modern culture considers permanent monogamy, or at least monoamory(sp?), to be the default form of romantic/sexual relationship.

In truth, though, it seems that the dominant paradigm is serial monogamy; very few people will exclusively dedicate themselves to a single relationship, but the number of people able to have a serious relationship with more than one partner at a time without neglecting or outright abusing (psychologically at least) one of them is also pretty small.

So what if, instead of attempting to keep people in exclusive permanent relationships, society accepted this truth?

Imagine if, rather than the sadly common situation where social forces cause two people who no longer love each other stay together until they actively hate each other, resulting in the inevitable seperation becoming a painful and destructive battle in which both participants do their utmost to hurt the other, society instead encouraged couples to accept that a relationship is not working and seperate while the two parties can still stand each other?

 

[sexymom]

I think that's pretty much what we do now. Of all the divorced people I know, and that's quite a few; our marriage statistics being what they are, a lot more than half are "amicable divorces", who get along and cooperate when necessary, and bear no grudges. Years ago, when it was harder to get a divorce, someone had to be the good guy and someone the bad guy- not so anymore.

 

[Shendude]

I think that's pretty much what we do now. Of all the divorced people I know, and that's quite a few; our marriage statistics being what they are, a lot more than half are "amicable divorces", who get along and cooperate when necessary, and bear no grudges. Years ago, when it was harder to get a divorce, someone had to be the good guy and someone the bad guy- not so anymore.

I know. The idea is to take that to the next level: a world in which majority of divorces and break-ups are amicable, because it is accepted from the beginning that the relationship will end when one or both parties lose interest.

Ideally (albeit unrealistically), in such a world, there would be NO drama about a divorce. So we'd have scenarios like this:

A wife tells her husband over breakfast that she's attracted to another man. The husband nods, expresses regret that she doesn't have feelings for him anymore, and goes on eating.

By the end of the day, the neccesary forms have been gathered, signed, and given to city hall or whatever, and the ex-wife moves in with her new boyfriend.

Over the next few weeks, the various arrangements are worked out. The next month, the ex-couple enjoy a last dance at her wedding.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

I know. The idea is to take that to the next level: a world in which majority of divorces and break-ups are amicable, because it is accepted from the beginning that the relationship will end when one or both parties lose interest.

Ideally (albeit unrealistically), in such a world, there would be NO drama about a divorce. So we'd have scenarios like this:

A wife tells her husband over breakfast that she's attracted to another man. The husband nods, expresses regret that she doesn't have feelings for him anymore, and goes on eating.

By the end of the day, the neccesary forms have been gathered, signed, and given to city hall or whatever, and the ex-wife moves in with her new boyfriend.

Over the next few weeks, the various arrangements are worked out. The next month, the ex-couple enjoy a last dance at her wedding.

Some time ago I suggested a further extension of this, as formalised, state controlled serial monogamy. Partners are assigned in some stages, and free choice in others.

Adjusted to Lit ages it runs:

18-28 Assigned to an older partner to learn about sex and partnership
28-48 Free choice to marry in own age group and have children
48-58 Assigned as mentor to an 18-33 year old to teach them
58- Free choice to marry in own age group and retirement.

 

[Noor]

I know. The idea is to take that to the next level: a world in which majority of divorces and break-ups are amicable, because it is accepted from the beginning that the relationship will end when one or both parties lose interest.

Ideally (albeit unrealistically), in such a world, there would be NO drama about a divorce. So we'd have scenarios like this:

A wife tells her husband over breakfast that she's attracted to another man. The husband nods, expresses regret that she doesn't have feelings for him anymore, and goes on eating.

By the end of the day, the neccesary forms have been gathered, signed, and given to city hall or whatever, and the ex-wife moves in with her new boyfriend.

Over the next few weeks, the various arrangements are worked out. The next month, the ex-couple enjoy a last dance at her wedding.

I think the above scenario is not possible. Feelings of hurt when rejected is not something exclusive to monogamous relationships or even sexual ones. Being reminded that you have been replaced when you care about another person will not disappear just because societal acceptance. Just watch a child get rejected and you can see that the feeling is not limited to people who understand societal norms. You can even see it in pets, so its not just a human feeling either.
Only if both people lose interest or the connection between was superficial, like one of convenience, then I could see the rejected person being enjoying at the ex's wedding.

 

[Shendude]

I think the above scenario is not possible.

Hence, "unrealistic".

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

I think the above scenario is not possible. ...

You would be surprised what variations of social and inter-personal norms actually exist in various parts of the world. There are polygamous, and polyandrous cultires. There are cultures where sharing wives among brothers is normal, why not Shendude's suggestion? Just because monogamy and a patriarchal hierarchy is the norm in the USA does not mean that other arrangements could not be feasible.

The immense emphasis on paternity is wholly artificial, and is considered much less important than maternal relationships in some societies and religions today. It is derived from the mistaken belief (long since discarded by science) that babies grow solely from the man's seed and that the woman is merely the vessel in which the baby grows. The clear analogy with seeds in the ground was entirely believable when there was no way of detecting that women produced eggs which are a part of the process.

 

[oPENsex]

I think the above scenario is not possible. Feelings of hurt when rejected is not something exclusive to monogamous relationships or even sexual ones. Being reminded that you have been replaced when you care about another person will not disappear just because societal acceptance. Just watch a child get rejected and you can see that the feeling is not limited to people who understand societal norms. You can even see it in pets, so its not just a human feeling either.
Only if both people lose interest or the connection between was superficial, like one of convenience, then I could see the rejected person being enjoying at the ex's wedding.

Good words! A good and real person has written this.